Tag: LGBTQIA+

I Got a Conan Gray Inspired Tattoo

On my adventure to become an even hotter and sexier person I knew one thing had to be done: I needed to get a tattoo. I had always thought that maybe somewhere down the road I would get a tattoo if I came up with a design I absolutely loved. However, I am super picky about tattoos, and preferred ones that were fine lines in black or colored ink. I had seen a lot of ugly tattoos and did not want to be the owner of one.

Up until my nineteenth year of life a design like that had never spoken to me. Then, one day on TikTok I saw someone get lyrics from a Conan Gray song tattooed on their arm in Conan’s handwriting. This thought had never even occurred to me. When Conan’s most recent album, Superache, came out in June of 2022, he sold vinyls with pictures, a poster, and lyric sheets he had written in his own handwriting.

In the back of my mind, I loved this idea and considered it for myself, but I am indecisive, so I sat with it for a while. Plus, I had the “Astronomy” lyrics sheet that had a tiny Saturn and stars drawn on it, and I had been considering getting that tattooed somewhere, but never decided where I wanted it. Later, I decided I wanted lyrics from my favorite song, “People Watching.” It’s been my favorite song for years, plus that song is definitely aspec and queer.

I was worried it would be a bit cringe to get a tattoo inspired by my favorite artists. What if he’s no longer my favorite artist in two years? What if he does something super crazy and gets totally and completely canceled by society? (We all know that wouldn’t happen, Conan is too pure for this world). I never thought I would be one of those fangirls who practically dedicated their life to an artist, and maybe I’m not there yet, but let’s be honest, Conan is a huge part of my life.

The idea of a tattoo was in my head, and I knew I eventually had to get one. I considered behind my ear, and on my finger, but none of those places seemed just right. After scrolling on Pinterest, I saw lots of cute tattoos on people’s ribs, and decided I would be even hotter and sexier with a rib tat. Have you ever met an uncool unsexy person with a rib tat? I think not.

I had considered getting the words “people watching” tattooed on my ribs, but on another Pinterest scroll, I saw a graphic that said “love and emotion” and I knew what had to be done.

Here’s all the reasons I decided to get “love and emotion” tattooed on my body forever:

Conan brings me the most joy I have ever felt in my whole entire silly little life.
“People Watching” is my favorite song of all time.
Love and emotion is so me. I am so full of love, and I am so full of emotion.
Rib tats are hot.
The way Conan sings “love and emotion” in “People Watching” is so angelic and beautiful I knew I needed it on my body forever.
If this song ends up not being my most favorite, looking back on this and knowing how much joy and happiness this brought me at the age of nineteen would be a lovely little memory to have.
If for some reason I ended up hating it, I could easily cover it up and never see it.
It’s good for the plot.

I had the idea of getting a Conan lyric in the back of my mind for at least four months, and in January Fully committed to “love and emotion.” At first, I decided I would sit with it until the fall, and get a tattoo at the end of 2023 if I still wanted it.

That clearly didn’t happen.

One day, in the middle of January, I was walking back from math class, and “People Watching” came on in my headphones. There must have been something in the air that day because that song had never sounded so good, and I knew, I just knew, that I needed it on my body forever. Plus, I had the playlist on shuffle (Conan’s Complete Collection), and the song that came on right after was once again “People Watching.” I took that as a sign. (The song was added to the playlist twice, once as a single and once when the entire Superache album was added. What’s the chance that song plays back to back?!)

After that, I told my dear friend Rana my epiphany, and we began looking for a tattoo artist (since she wanted a tattoo as well). She found the location, and we did our separate research on the artists who worked there, coincidentally having the same favorite artist, who we immediately booked with. I decided to book for after my birthday in February (giving myself a whole month to wait). I knew I wanted to get my tattoo when I was 19, mostly because it sounded like a good age for a tattoo, and 18 seemed too young and irresponsible. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the tattoo three days after my 19th birthday, so maybe some of my 18th year decision making was still with me.

Rana and I weren’t able to get a tattoo appointment for the same day, so I watched her get hers first, and got mine the next day. Watching her get her tattoo got rid of almost all of my nerves, and replaced them with pure excitement. Rana got a rose on her left inner arm, and I can honestly say (not even as her friend) that it is the prettiest rose I have ever seen. The lines are so incredibly thin and the detail work is crazy good. I have truly never seen such a beautifully detailed tattoo like it before. Our artist did an amazing job.

At my appointment, I adjusted the words from the “People Watching” lyric sheet a tiny bit, in order to make the lines straighter and adjust Cone’s handwriting so it was clear enough to my liking.

I was hardly nervous. I was just so excited, and even once the tattoo needle was out, my nerves remained only a slight flicker.

Now. You know what everyone says about rib tattoos. That they hurt. I got my tattoo on the right side of my body, in a middle space between my stomach and right rib cage, so it’s visible when I wear a tiny top or a bikini. I would give the pain a 6/10. It definitely stung and was uncomfortable, but it was totally bearable. I would go through it again. Maybe if it was on my actual rib cage, on top of the bones, it would have hurt a lot more.

I was at the appointment for about an hour and fifteen minutes, but the actual tattoo process took about thirty minutes. First the artist did the outline of the words, then went back and filled them in. I focused on my breathing to distract from the stinging, and talked to my two friends who accompanied me. (I ended up paying $170 for it including tip).

Once the tattoo was done, I obviously got to look at it, and I was overjoyed. It looked so cool. The tattoo was bigger than what I originally had in mind, but in order for it to look good over time, a bigger size was necessary for it to last well, and size and location actually turned out perfect, and I had an awesome artist who I would definitely go to again and again.

Even after I got the tattoo, and still now, I can’t believe that I am actually a person with permanent ink on my body.

Future Jadey will insert info about the healing process here:

The hardest part about the first few days of healing was that it was covered in a clear bandage, so I could see the ink begin to bleed as my tattoo healed and liquid and gunk buildup under the wrap. That meant I couldn’t see my tattoo very clearly. All I wanted to do was look at it!! I kept returning to the photos I had taken in order to see it crisp and clear. I thought it might get irritated when I worked out, but it didn’t at all. (I waited until the third day to work out).

After one week I was surprised to report that everything was perfect. I took the bandage off after three days, and began a routine of washing and moisturizing the spot twice a day. I thought it might be painful, or annoying to sleep on, but that was not the case. There was no itching, and no discomfort whatsoever.

A final update: after two weeks it’s totally fine?! I thought it would itch or feel like something, but it didn’t. It did peel a bit, but it was hardly noticeable. I kept comparing the healing process to that or an ear piercing, as that was the most similar experience I had to compare it to. And let me tell you, a tattoo is way better than a piercing. I got my helix pierced four months ago, and it still hurts if I sleep on it wrong. My tattoo on the other hand is almost too easy to sleep on.

Now…the question is. Jadey. Will you get another tattoo? The answer is…

Probably.

I have a few vague ideas of what I would want, but I am in no rush whatsoever to get another. I would like to get some more piercings first, and that costs just as much as a tattoo, and unfortunately for me, my blog doesn’t make me any money, so I’ll be waiting a while for another round of anything.

Alright. That’s enough talking. Of course I love it. It’s Conan. I’m excited for it to be summer so I can show it off and see how it looks in a few months when it’s completely healed.

If you were looking for a sign to get a tattoo, this is it.

Sometimes Asexuality Makes Me Sad

Recently, I had the realization that sometimes my asexuality makes me sad.

Up until this point in time I had never really thought that. Obviously, it brings me a lot of joy, as it is something I talk about quite a lot and even created a whole blog to discuss. I talked about it a little when I made a few breakup posts, and wrote about how I feared there might not be someone out there for me because I’m ace. I still know that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t those thoughts in the back of my mind. It’s hard to know that my asexuality, something I love about myself, is a flaw to others. It’s an issue to them, rather than a feature. And I know that it limits those who want to date me. It might be challenging to find another ace person to date. And while I know it’s possible I could be happy dating an allo person, I still worry my asexuality might be a burden. That it might prevent someone from feeling fulfilled in a relationship with me. Obviously, if that was the case, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. But that would inevitably lead to quite a sad breakup.

I know my asexuality is special. I know I’m special. I know there are people out there in the world who would be so lucky to know me and be my friend, let alone date me and have the opportunity to be loved by me. Because I am so full of love. I have so much love and joy to give and I look forward to the day when I meet the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. I know it’ll be a love story for the pages. However, it’s different when I tell that to myself. It’s different when I tell myself how compassionate and cool and kind I am, compared to when someone else does. Trust me, I know there are people in my life who think this. I know my friends and family love me. They do think I’m amazing. I don’t need them to verbalize that to know it. But, it’s different when there’s something about you that is so unique, so different from the experience of those around you.

I think it brings me more sadness especially because I am a sex-averse asexual (as opposed to being sex-neutral or sex favorable). I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to do anything sexual. It would make me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I don’t even want to kiss someone on the lips.

That in itself is a whole other topic of sadness. I know I’ve written about this before, but at this point in time, I wish I was an asexual that likes kissing. I hope that desire goes away eventually. But I know it’s okay because our society is so consumed with sex and romance that it can be hard to unlearn things. I don’t need to kiss someone to experience intimacy or show my love. There are so many other ways I can do that. Even though it’s silly of me, I do hope that maybe I will meet someone and want to kiss them. Is that possibly an aphobic thing for me to think about? Probably. But oh well. I know it won’t happen and I can think whatever I want about myself. It just seems so fun and cute. Oh well.

It’s not easy being queer. And unfortunately, the longer I live out and proud as I do, the more I realize that. I live in my own little gay bubble full of joy and rainbows. I talk about being queer and make it a big part of my life because it is. It is so important to me. That is not the reality of queerness. Like many other marginalized communities, being in the queer community is full of heartache. That is the brutal reality of my life. Of my community’s life. And it’s something that isn’t going to go away. Who knows. It might never.

My asexuality makes me sad. I’m sad people don’t understand it. I’m sad it limits my relationships and dating pool. I’m sad people have so many misconceptions and stereotypes about me and my community. I’m sad there is so little asexual representation in the media. I’m sad I don’t get to experience the spark of a first kiss or the giddy experience of telling my friends a cute boy asked for my number. There are experiences I miss out on because I’m ace and queer and that is something I have to come to terms with.

Alright. That’s enough sadness for today. It maybe didn’t help that I listened to Phoebe Bridgers the whole time I wrote this.

Gender…?

Today we’re going to talk about something I rarely write about.

Gender.

Why? you ask. Well, I’ve never written about my own experience with gender for two reasons. The first one is that as a cisgender female, I felt I had little to say about my own experience as a person whose gender identity doesn’t affect the level of homophobia I face. Obviously, as a female, there are definitely issues that come with that due to our patriarchal society, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my experiences as a woman, and the problems I could possibly face, are nowhere near the struggles and oppression my trans or non-binary friends and community face. There is truly no comparison, especially since I am a white cis female.

As for the second reason…I have a very difficult time trying to explain my gender. Not because I’m not cis, but because once I start thinking about it, I end up in a crisis, and suddenly gender and stereotypes and everything around me feel made up and all I can do is sit and stare at the wall thinking about how everything around me is fake.

Now. That’s a bit dramatic. But if you really think about it, there is no way to be a man or a woman. Everything we know about “how” to be a specific gender is merely holding up stereotypes upheld by the patriarchy. And when you strip all of those away and let go of those stereotypes you are left with literally nothing. There is no way to be a certain gender. The only way to experience gender is through feelings. And yes, those stereotypes can help many people feel connected to gender through physical appearance and perception, but that only helps add to the feeling.

For example; if you identified as a male, you could feel really connected to your gender by going to the gym, wearing masculine clothing, or having a short haircut. That’s great. But, even without all of those physical identifiers or actions, you can still identify as a man. Taking away those physical traits, or ones society perceives as masculine, doesn’t take away your identity as a male. I really hope that makes sense.

Anyway, onto my own gender.

Before I dived headfirst into the LGBTQIA+ community, I had never really questioned my gender. I had always been pretty stereotypically feminine. I wore dresses and makeup and painted my nails and had long hair. Once I got to a point of understanding my sexuality and basically going with the flow of “I like who I like,” the same ended up applying to my gender.

“I feel how I feel.”

Yes. I’m a female. I use she/her pronouns. People perceive me as a female because of how my body looks and how I present myself. That’s chill.

The thing is…I don’t really care how people perceive me. I don’t need people to go out of their way to use different pronouns for me. But, if someone referred to me with gender-neutral phrases or feminine ones, I’d just be going on my merry way. Masculine phrases aren’t my favorite, but I don’t have a problem with them, and at the end of the day they’re just words. I know this is not the case for everyone, and words definitely do have an effect, but for me, it’s not the biggest deal with how people perceive my gender. And honestly, if strangers out in the world saw me and referred to me with gender-neutral pronouns because they didn’t know how I identified, I would prefer that, because that is making a more accepting space for those who aren’t cisgender.

Additionally, stereotypically feminine things don’t necessarily make me feel more feminine. I paint my nails and wear makeup because it makes me feel like me. Not because it makes me feel more like a woman, maybe it does subconsciously, but I have never put on a dress and felt more like a woman. Plus, literally anyone of any gender could paint their nails or wear eyeliner and that doesn’t make them female.

I’m just me. I’m just a person living on planet earth going through life. I don’t need labels for how I exist. I’m doing just that. Existing.

Exposing My Journal Entries From My Sexuality Crisis

At the end of 2020 when my sexuality crisis started, I did what any person trying to salvage their emotional state does; I began journaling.

Side note, I still journal to this day if I’m overthinking or need to rant. My blog has kind of turned into my journal, and I can confidently say writing about events in my life has brought me a lot of peace and happiness.

Now that I’m back from college for winter break, I have access to the very journal I wrote in, and decided to make a very entertaining blog post by going through it and writing my thoughts about that time. Instead of laughing at myself (although I will be doing a little of that) I decided it would be much more beneficial to give advice that I could have used during that time, and possibly provide advice for anyone else having a sexuality crisis as I did.

I will start by saying that if you are questioning a label or your sexuality for quite some time, it’s probably because that is your label. Straight cisgender people don’t spend every waking hour questioning if they’re trans or aromantic or bisexual. If a label is swimming around in your mind, it’s probably who you are. Not always, but oftentimes that is the case.

Okay, onto the journal. The first entry was from December 9th 2020. Out of the many bullet points I wrote (lots of which you can find here) the one that sticks out to me is “I would be okay if someone assumed I wasn’t straight.”

For all of the statements you’re going to read and wonder how I had these thoughts and still thought I was straight, I will admit that in the very very back depths of my mind during this time I did know that I was probably queer, it just wasn’t something I was fully admitting to myself.

The next day I wrote about the release of Evermore followed by a statement that said “I wouldn’t be too mad if I liked girls. I mean, having a pretty girlfriend would be cool. But am I ACTUALLY ATTRACTED to women?!”

Unfortunately for me I wasn’t aware of asexuality yet, and was definitely struggling to confirm if I was attracted to women when I was unaware I was not sexually attracted to anyone.

In a full circle moment I also wrote “One day I’ll look back on this when everything is figured out. Today is not that day.” Two years later, it’s very comforting to know how confident I am in my sexuality. I’m sure Past Jadey would be very happy and proud of Future/Present Jadey. I also wrote about how I wished I knew about the LGBTQIA+ community when I was younger. At the ripe old age of 17, I felt that I was late in the game to knowing my sexuality. This is obviously not the case. I was, and still am, quite young. I have a lot of things figured out about myself that others older than me don’t, yet I also have so much more to learn. It is unfortunate that many queer people, especially youth, have to figure out all of this information by themselves. Thankfully social media has become a very easy way to learn about the community and has normalized our existence even more.

December 25th 2020:

I thought I could be bi with a strong preference for men. Ironically, right after I said that, I stated that having a crush on a girl would feel “Warm. Fuzzy. Sweet. Dare I say right?”

I truly laughed out loud reading that.

Dare I say right?!? That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard!!!

January 21st 2021:

“I have a crush on a girl lmao.”

It’s the casual “lmao” for me. The lowercase letters. The laughing at my situation.

Wow. Look at me finally admitting things to myself. My first girl crush. A big deal. Looking back, the person I had a crush on is pretty cool, so I’m not surprised I pined over her for a while. Sometimes you look back on the crush you had and want to projectile vomit all over the floor. I’m happy to say that is not the case, and honestly makes me enjoy looking back on this because there’s nothing mortifying I have to face.

February 15th 2021:

I “feel very comfortable/happy with being unlabeled.” Honestly I still have a lot of love for calling my sexuality unlabeled. It was, in a sense, a label I used for a long time and found a lot of comfort in.

September 22nd 2021:

I am “still unlabeled and very gay.”

December 2022 Jadey agrees that even now that is a very accurate statement. My preference for men was definitely deteriorating at this time.

My entries became a lot less frequent as I began to figure out my sexuality.

The last update was April 12th 2022:

I started identifying as asexual and still have my romantic attraction unlabeled.

As of now, December 2022, I identify as asexual and queer. I feel incredibly confident in my asexuality, and mostly confident in my romantic attraction. I know who I like and who I don’t like, yet I’ve never found a label that fully fits my feelings. I use queer in a loose term to voice the fluidity and complexity of my romantic attraction. However, going through this journal has really reminded me how I enjoy not labeling my romantic attraction. I think queer sounds cool. I think unlabeled sounds cool. Maybe I’ll use both. Who knows.

It was quite an adventure to look back on this, and I’m sure I will continue to read through it from time to time if I’m ever in need of some lighthearted entertainment.

Since this post is going up on Christmas, I thought I should take this opportunity to acknowledge the love and acceptance I receive as a queer person, and to verbalize how incredibly thankful I am that I get to be so visibly out. Unfortunately, this is a difficult time for my community, and my heart goes out to them. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, and if you want to get me a present, you can keep it very small and share my blog with your one hundred closest friends.

Questions Asexuals Have For Allosexuals – A Friend Interview

I needed a blog topic for this week. My friends were in the room. I had the brilliant idea to ask them questions that I, an asexual, had for them, allosexuals.

Amongst my three allo friends one is queer, one is straight and in a relationship, and one is straight and not in a relationship. For context they’re all females, I unfortunately don’t have any guy friends I could interview – I think it would have added some nice diversity to the answers I received. I also combined all of their responses for a general answer, as it would have been too complicated and confusing to have different answers when many of their responses added on and agreed with things others had said.

Here’s my questions and their responses:

1. What is sexual attraction?

Sexual attraction is a physical and emotional desire to have a physical relationship with someone. For them it could not be with a complete stranger, there has to be some sort of connection, even if it is the tiniest interaction. Maybe you had a conversation once, or maybe they’re someone you’re close to. Moral of the story: they don’t experience attraction to randos on the street. Additionally, you don’t have to want sex with this person, you might just want to kiss or make out with them. You might wonder things about this person; are they a good kisser? You have thoughts and queries about this person but you don’t necessarily want to actually act on those feelings.

The only sort of exception to this is celebrities. Because yes, you have never met them, but they’re not necessarily strangers because you know about a character they might have played, or you gathered information from them from interviews. You know about their personality enough to have sexual attraction.

Follow up question: how often does this happen?

“A lot more than it should.” (Referring to a desire to want to kiss someone.)

They think about sex probably once a day. Honestly, I agree with this. I’m not thinking about how I want to have sex, but it definitely crosses my mind as it is such a prevalent topic in our society.

Just because they think about sex daily doesn’t mean they’re experiencing sexual attraction everyday. For example, my friend in a relationship explained to me how if there is an event, a date, or an interaction where she would see her boyfriend that would provide a situation where those feelings would come up.

My friends not in a relationship think about making out with someone probably once a day. Also, if they’re bored and their mind begins to wonder they could imagine a hypothetical situation relating to sex, but might not want to actively do it, it just crosses their mind.

2. Can you describe the feeling of being sexually attracted to someone?

It feels warm and fuzzy like hot/intense butterflies.

3. How do you separate romantic and sexual attraction?

You can’t.

(Crazy!!)

Romantic attraction is more gestures, time with that person,and the person’s personality. Sexual attraction is more about what they look like, and happens more in the moment.

You can feel sexual attraction and not romantic, but once you feel romanitc attraction you can’t not feel sexual attraction too.

4. Can you describe horny-ness please. I don’t understand.

It’s a random yearning for someone; you just want to have sex. Compared to sexual attraction, feeling horny feels more urgent and pressing. You can be horny without being turned on.

(Jadey: ???) That makes zero sense to me and even reading that multiple times I still don’t get it. (The ace editor is also very confused.)

The person is doing something that makes you want to have sex with them. Being turned on is in the moment while sexual attraction is a person to person basis.

5. Why do you want to have sex?

An overall response: I think it would be fun, it would feel good, and you’re also making someone else feel good – that provides a deeper connection with that person.

6. Is there something that would equal the intimacy of sex but isn’t sex or sexual in nature?

For my friend in a relationship – she gave an example of a back massage, or her boyfriend brushing her hair would have that same amount of intimacy and could be done instead of sex from time to time.

For lack of better words, my virgin friends said probably yes, but they couldn’t tell me what that would be yet because they haven’t experienced it yet. They guessed it could be a deep emotional experience, like a good laugh, having a good cry, or opening up about your feelings and being vulnerable.

7. How often do you experience sexual attraction?

“Once a day.”

“Three to four times a week.”

“Every other day.”

This is a rough estimate, for example if you saw your significant other or saw your crush then it might be a higher number.

8. Could you be in a romantic relationship without sex?

“No.”

Jadey: Why not?

You want to be desired by them it would bring you unhappiness or a feeling of not being satisfied if the relationship wasn’t sexual.

I didn’t like that answer. I obviously wished that people, not necessarily them, as I’m not dating any of them, said yes. It’s a bit difficult to hear that sex is so important when it’s not to me. It’s hard to know that a lot of the population couldn’t be satisfied in a non-sexual relationship.

9. How important is sex in a relationship to you?

Most of them couldn’t answer because they have not been in a relationship. However, it is important, but not the most important thing.

I asked for a number on a scale for reference. 1 being you can totally go without it, 5 being you could go either way, 10 being it’s very important.

The friend in a relationship says 8/10 – it’s pretty important but it’s not the most important thing.

10. What are stereotypes you’ve heard of asexuality, or things you don’t understand?

For context: they had all vaguely heard of asexuality from social media (TV shows, Instagram, TikTok, etc).

The consensus answer was that they didn’t know anything/didn’t know a lot until they met me.

This is why we need more ace rep!!

A follow up question I had for them was do they (especially my two straight friends) wish there was more queer representation. (For context I said for education, entertainment, and representation purposes).

They all said yes for all three reasons.

11. Does the over-sexualized culture we live in bother you? Do you feel that you have to be sexual because of your age, sexuality, culture, etc.

Short answer: no.

Feeling like they had to be sexual was never something they felt pressured to do because that was something you did when you were older/ married. It doesn’t affect their daily lives but it is something they find annoying. They don’t feel pressure to be sexual because that is something they already want to do. Additionally, hook-up culture is also very normalized, especially at college or on dating apps like Tinder. They never felt the need to dress to impress someone. We decided dressing up for men was different than dressing cute because you might see your crush that day.

12. Do you want to lose your virginity?

Yes.

Jadey: Why?

“I want the experience. I think it would feel good.”

Follow up question: Is this something you’ve felt more recently because it’s so normalized in college?

Yes, it definitely grew in college. It was kind of in the back of their mind in high school, but grew once they got to college. You’re no longer home with your parents, you’ve grown as a person, and sex is really normalized here. There’s places for STI testing, birth control, and many locations to get condoms for free.

13. When did you first experience sexual attraction?

Another consensus answer was that they generally started experiencing it in eighth grade/freshman year. They didn’t necessarily want to act on it, but it was something they experienced.

Funny enough this was the time I thought I was straight and sex was something I’d want to do later in life. Oh how things changed.

Wow. That was a lot of allo information for this ace to mull over. Sexual attraction is weird, but interesting.

Asexuality is Weird

Asexuality is weird. Not weird weird. Just…different.

It’s weird that I don’t experience sexual attraction and almost everyone around me does. It’s weird that I don’t want to have sex or kiss someone or be involved in dating culture.

But you know what’s really weird? No, Jadey. They don’t. Because they have absolutely no idea where you’re going with this post. There is definitely something well known in the ace community that people grieve for the things they don’t want. A lot of the ace community has probably felt some disappointment in their life that they can’t fully relate to their friends or the sparks of a first kiss of what it’s like to sleep with someone you truly love. It can feel like you’re missing out. Like you’re excluded from something that everyone gets to experience. It’s weird to grieve for things you don’t want.

Recently I’ve been feeling that way. Not to that large of an extent. I don’t want to have sex. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about when a boy will text me back or if I’ll have my first kiss or when I’ll lose my virginity. That all seems annoying and way too time consuming.

I do, however, really want to kiss someone. I really want to fall in love and kiss someone. It seems so fun. To be in love and to express that in a way that is so intimate. That’s what I really want, I guess, that kind of intimacy. Oh but how fun it would be to make out with someone! I don’t have to go past that!! I know all you allos reading this are thinking “oh haha Jadey you silly little ace” but I know I’m right. People wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t fun. Every book and movie and TV show wouldn’t include a steamy first kiss scene if it wasn’t practically a universal desire.

I don’t need to do anything past that. But I want to kiss a pretty girl and be in love. I want so desperately to be an ace that likes kissing. It’s not fair.

Of course, I don’t actually want to kiss someone. Even if you put the most beautiful person I was madly pining over in front of me I wouldn’t actually want to. It would disgust me. I would probably feel sick if I actually kissed them. I would be so uncomfortable. Physically, I don’t want to…but theoretically…

Don’t get me wrong. I love that I’m asexual. I love that I get to experience love differently. I think that’s a beautiful thing. I’ve always found my asexuality a part of my identity to love. To celebrate.

I know that love and romance has been saturated and over hyped by the media. Yet, I still want that novel-worthy first kiss. Something crazy like in the pouring rain or on a rooftop or sitting in the back of a car at a drive in movie. Something memorable. Something romantic. I’m a hopeless romantic, but that should come at no surprise.

When I first got to college it kind of shook me a bit – how real sex is. Now that we’re all out of the house and “adulting,” having relationships and being sexually active is expected. It’s weird. I was always aware that sex was a thing, it just has become ten times more apparent at college. I’m constantly being told about STI testing and where to get birth control and about who to call if I need to report an incident. Sex is everywhere. And that’s weird to me. It’s weird for me to sit in class and know that everyone can relate to what we’re talking about or use the information we’re learning about – like communication in sexual relationships or birth control or deconstructing gender roles – when I will never use that information in my life. Besides maybe, to educate others or to ponder and be confused about.

There are people around me who want to have sex. Who have had sex. That is something they think about and want to do. One day my friends are going to get into relationships and have their first kiss and lose their virginity, and I’m probably going to hear about it. Then, I’ll have to try to not look as disgusted as I feel and I don’t know, applaud them or something. Give them a cake. A card that says congratulations.

Oh well. I’ll deal with it. It’s not about me. I will however continue to think that sex is weird, and occasionally ponder my silly little asexual life. When I’m not doing that I’ll listen to Conan Gray sing about being a hopeless romantic and be happy he never writes songs about sex.