If you’re the kind of person who is fascinated with relationships and sexuality, it’s likely you see relationship-related content on Instagram reels. This might be couples talking about their sex life, sex educators discussing sexual education, or posts from Planned Parenthood just to name a few. This all comes up on my feed, and one thing I’ve been seeing a lot recently is something called an “Intimacy Menu.”

Basically, this is literally a menu, a list, of options for intimacy between two partners (obviously could be multiple partners but the ones I’ve seen have been geared at heterosexual monogamous couples). It’s a collaborative list of intimate physical acts that can range from holding hands to sex. It’s designed to break away from the idea that physical intimacy between a couple only means sex. It’s supposed to eliminate the pressure of initiation and feeling like physical intimacy has to mean one thing. It can bring you and your partner closer together as you design your own list, coming up and expressing your preferred types of intimacy. The menu can include appetizers (foreplay), entrees (sex), and dessert (aftercare). 

I think this is super cool and also fascinating. One, because anything surrounding sexuality is interesting to me. And two, because it opened up a mostly heterosexual allosexual world of couples needs that are somewhat different from my own. For example, I’ve found that straight people think sex is only penetrative. I’ve heard plenty of straight people say that they haven’t had sex with someone they’re seeing, but they did give their partner a blowjob or got eaten out. And that is so strange to me because so many things can be sex. First of all, oral sex literally has sex in the name…so considering it not sex is wild. So instead of getting educated on queer topics like I usually do, I was getting educated on heterosexuality! How the tables have turned.

My partner and I are both asexual. So the sex aspect of this menu isn’t very applicable to us. However, the initiating physical intimacy is. As I mentioned in a past blog post, we call our physical intimacy “asexual make out.” In my ideal world, we would have asexual make out all the time. It’s how I feel connected to my partner, though I’m not sure if this is something I want all the time, or just feel especially drawn to because we’re long distance. And in my ideal world, asexual make out happens sporadically, as well as on specifically planned days. 

However, my partner’s desire for asexual make out is not the same. We have a desire discrepancy. They don’t randomly want it. And because of things like chest dysphoria, and physical boundaries being crossed in a previous relationship, it’s hard for their brain and body to sync and feel fully comfortable in the moment. 

And this brings us to a complicated area. Because here’s this thing that’s really important to me, and makes me feel close to them that I really want to do, but they don’t always feel the same. And then they feel like they’re letting me down when I get emotional over it not happening. We both end up feeling shitty. I feel bad that my disappointment makes them feel bad, and they feel bad that they can’t give me something they know I so desperately want. 

Disclaimer: having this conversation with my partner was not at all easy. In fact, it makes me emotional talking to them about it. I feel disappointed, guilty, rejected, and even at times like I’m not performing asexuality the “right” way (which obviously isn’t true). I never want the person I love to feel uncomfortable, pressured to do something, or feel obligated to do something just to make me happy. And even though this is hard, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it. Having difficult conversations allows us to work together to come up with a solution and ultimately feel happier. These types of conversations bring us closer together and strengthen our relationship. Here’s your sign to communicate. My therapist would be so proud of me. Disclaimer over.

So in order to solve this it got me thinking. First, I suggested that they tell me ahead of time if they think they won’t be in the mood. Then, theoretically, I feel less disappointed knowing ahead of time that asexual make out won’t happen because I haven’t been hoping and fantasizing about it. But then that got me thinking more. And I realized we had kind of fallen into an all or nothing mindset, just like all these straight people talked about with their intimacy menus! We, two queer asexuals, had fallen into our own version of desire discrepancy. 

I had the bright idea that we should make our own intimacy menu. I figured that if we took specific time to initiate intimacy, whatever that was for us depending on the day, I would feel fulfilled, and my partner would be comfortable. A win-win!

But, upon Google searches, I couldn’t find anything relevant to asexuals. Plus, this whole intimacy menu thing on Instagram can be kinda gatekeep-y, and you gotta get all up in the DM’s to get a copy. So I searched Google for the ones I could find and took what was applicable from those, plus my own ideas and preferences and experience as an asexual to make my own. And because I’m so generous and kind I decided it needed to be shared on the internet for free so other people and asexuals can access it. 

I made sure to put a wide variety of options to fit people all across the ace spectrum (or anyone not ace who is interested too). Instead of dividing my menu into courses of a meal, I’ve divided it into themes: relaxation, being in control, and scandalous/sexual. I also tried to come up with things beyond the standard cuddling/kissing/hugging/more expected options of intimacy. And of course all of these could be stand alone activities or lead into something more. 

The Relaxing Options: 

These are options for when you just want to hang out and relax. Maybe you want a lazy afternoon in, or you want to do something before you hit the hay. These are relatively low effort activities you could do everyday if you wanted to. These are also the least “sexual” options that still feel intimate. 

• Play with each other’s hair
• Make a joint playlist of romantic/sensual songs 
• Give each other a massage with clothes on
• Give each other a massage with some/no clothes on
• Pet/trace along the other person’s skin (arms, legs, stomach, back)
• Give each other back scratches with/without shirts on
• Shower together (take each other’s clothes off, hug and/or kiss, wash each other)
• Take a bath together (take each other’s clothes off, sit in each other’s laps, hug or kiss, wash each other)
• Listen to erotic audio together
• Read a book aloud (smut/erotica, relationship/sex nonfiction, or just your favorite literature)

The In Control Options:

Maybe you or your partner don’t want to be touched. These are options where Partner A could tell Partner B what to do with or without physical touch. Maybe you just want to be in the same room as someone and still be intimate. 

• Tell each other a fantasy
• Tell the other person what touch you want them to do to you (take my clothes off, touch me here, only kiss me here)
• Tell the other person what you want to see them do (take your clothes off, touch yourself, etc)
• Spend time together cuddling (or just laying side by side) with or without clothes and just talk (discuss fantasies, your favorite things about the other person, how you envision the future together, etc)
• Pick out a date night outfit for the other person 
• Mutual masturbation (without touching each other)

The Scandalous Options:

These are the more “traditional” sexual acts you could do. But remember, what is sexual to one person might not be sexual to another. 

• Pick out sexy underwear/lingerie for the other person to wear 
• Take each other’s clothes off 
• Kiss each other everywhere 
• Straddle your partner and kiss them/touch them (or pin them against the wall! Hot!)
• Watch your partner touch themselves (then possibly assist them)
• Explain how you like to be touched and/or what setting of a toy you like best and show your partner how you use them on yourself 
• Use bondage and toys 

My partner and I have decided to pick a few options each time we see each other of things we can do that aren’t as intense as asexual make out. This allows me to look forward to our time together and feel connected, and alleviates the pressure from them. So far it’s worked pretty well and we both feel comfortable and satisfied. Alright that’s all. Happy pride!