One of my favorite things about being queer is the knowlegde I have gained about the complexity that is human attraction. Like most things in life, attraction is complicated. But, things that are complicated are usually pretty cool and interesting; hence why I have dedicated an entire blog post to the various levels of attraction. 

Arguably, there are many types of attraction, but for the sake of this blog post (and my sanity) I’ll be talking about the five major types of attraction. Before we get into my definition for each, and how I experience each one, I’ll give the actual definitions. 

First of all, what even is attraction? 

Attraction: the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something. 

Okay, now that we have a somewhat vague definition, here are the different types: 

Romantic attraction: a deep, emotional attraction to someone. 

This could be expressed through: hand holding, cuddling, kissing, showing love, expressing emotions, etc. 

Sexual attraction: attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest.

This could be expressed through: kissing, sex, sexual intimacy, etc. 

Platonic attraction: an interest or desire for a friendship. 

This could be expressed through: time spent together, emotional closeness, trust, etc. 

Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with someone physically in a nonsexual way.

This could be expressed through: hand holding, cuddling, hugging, etc. 

Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the beauty or appearance of another person. 

This could be expressed through nonsexual physical touch, or nothing at all. 

There are obviously many more ways to experience attraction such as…

Emotional: a connection to someone’s mind, spirit, and personality. 

Intellectual: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner such as conversation. 

Physical:  the degree to which a person’s physical features are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from either. 

*sighs from exhaustion*

Maybe all of these make sense in their own independent ways. Maybe you sense an overlap, but see some distinct differences. Maybe you read this and realized you feel all of these different levels of attraction to your partner or other important people in your life.

Or maybe, you’re like me, and are utterly confused. I will say, there are aspects of attraction that I understand. I have platonic friends, I don’t feel sexual attraction, and I do feel a certain amount of romantic attraction. However, as I scoured the internet searching for definitions of the previously mentioned terms, many of them sounded very similar to me. For example, romantic attraction sounds a lot like platonic attraction. Who’s to say hand holding and cuddling is reserved for a romantic partner? How is romantic attraction different from emotional attraction? But, there is no need for my confusion and questioning to keep us from exploring my (because this is my blog after all) different ways of feeling stuff!

Jadey’s Complex Way Of Feeling Stuff! 

Romantic attraction: Starting off a bit complicated, my romantic attraction is technically labeled as alterous, which I wrote a whole blog post about that you can read here. I do pretty fully understand romantic attraction, but over time I have come to the conclusion that I don’t experience romantic attraction to the same extent that others do. Because of that, I label my romantic attraction as alterous; a desire for emotional closeness with someone that is neither exclusively platonic or romantic. 

When I hear about romantic attraction, it seems quite passionate and intense. Maybe that is because it’s mixed with sexual attraction, and those who experience both can’t articulate the difference in the same way I can’t articulate the difference between platonic and romantic in my relationship. 

Sexual attraction: Yay! This one’s easy. I don’t feel this. At all. In fact, I’m quite opposed to the idea of sex that I consider myself sex-averse (meaning I am opposed to the idea of sex and find it very unappealing).

Platonic: I know for a fact that I feel platonic attraction to my friends. I love them, but obviously feel no sexual or romantic attraction to them. That becomes a touch complicated with the feelings I have for my Queer Platonic Partner, considering platonic is literally in the name, I feel platonic as well as romantic attraction to her, but she is the only exception.

Sensual: Sensual attraction is a relatively new term to me. It’s also a bit ironic, because if you know me, you know there’s one thing I incredibly dislike: physical touch. I am not a fan of hugs, although I will accept hugs from my mother and grandmother when they initiate it. (To my other family and friends possibly reading this, sorry, I probably don’t like to hug you, no offense.) I do appreciate when someone asks for a hug, which gives me a moment to process the fact that I will no longer have personal space. An unannounced extraction of my physical space is the root of my discomfort. I’ll scoot over on the couch if I find my knees touching my sister to be uncomfortable. A hug from someone I’m not incredibly close to makes me feel..icky. I’ll step away when a stranger unknowingly gets too close. This could be due to my asexuality, this could just be my personality. Some people just don’t like touch, however msot of them probably aren’t sex-averse. I’ve always prefered my personal space.

After saying all of this, there is indeed only one person I experience sensual attraction towards; my girlfriend. Interestingly enough, she is the only person I’ll go out of my way to be physically close to. I’ll hold her hand. Rest my head on her shoulder. And, when I hug her, which is quite often, it’s for a comically long period of time. This could be because of my alterous attraction. It could be a different form of expression of love due to my asexuality. It could simply be that she is the only person I’ve ever felt sensually attracted to. 

Aesthetic: I would assume that a majority of the population experiences this. I experienced it heavily with the love of my life Conan Gray. He’s so beautiful. His face. His hair. His physique. His outfits. Everything about him is beautiful. It’s interesting how others experience this mixed with sexual or romantic attraction, and I experience it as simply as possible. All I desire to do is admire a person’s beauty. 

Okay. The complexity of the human experience and sexuality is quite complicated. If you took a shot every time you read the word attraction today you would definitely not have gotten to reading the conclusion of this blog post. 

And on that note, I’ll see you next week. 

Today’s blog post is a pretty chill one where I go over a QPR checklist; a list I found in the depths of AVEN quorums. 

This may come as a surprise, but relationship intimacy is not just sex. I know, that seems obvious, but it is often the first thought that comes to mind when one thinks of being intimate. However, as a sex-averse asexual there are definetly other ways I give, and receive, intimacy in a non-sexual relationship. I thought this would be interesting to share, especially for the allosexuals in the audience, who might not have considered these things as acts of intimacy. This is just another way to further share my personal asexual experience and what I feel comfortable with in a relationship! 

 Here’s the link on AVEN 

Aromantic/Queerplatonic Dating Checklist 

Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc): Yes!

Kissing (mouth): No thank you. 

Hand holding: YES

Cuddling: YES

Hugging: Yes!!

Other affectionate touching: I don’t know what that would be but sure!

Hugging in public: Yeah. 

Cuddling in public: Depends on the situation, but probably yes. 

Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc) in public: This would depend on the situation. 

Kissing (mouth) in public: Respectfully, absolutely not. 

Hand holding in public: Yes!

Other affectionate touch in public: Sure!

Eye gazing: Yeah. Sounds weird when you put it like that though. 

Crying on: That’s sad, but I’ve definitely done it so gonna have to go with yes. 

Being cried on: Sad but yes. 

Massage (giving): Probably not. 

Massage (receiving): Maybe…

Hair brushing (giving): If I was doing my partner’s hair then yes, but it would be a no for just random hair brushing. 

Hair brushing (receiving): If my partner was doing my hair, yes! Random hair brushing seems weird to me?? 

Nail painting (giving): YES

Nail painting (receiving): This is especially funny because I religiously paint my girlfriend’s nails, so it would be highly unlikely that she would paint my nails, but I guess if she wanted to, sure!

Shaving (giving): This makes me extremely uncomfortable. No. 

Shaving (receiving): No. 

Bathing together (with bathing suit): No. 

Bathing together (naked): No. 

Seeing my partner naked: If my partner needed to get changed and I was in the room, sure. For any other reason, no. 

My partner seeing me naked: Same as above, if I was getting changed that’s fine, but otherwise that’s just…weird…

Feeding my partner: No. 

Being fed by my partner: No. 

Tickling (being tickled): Sure. 

Tickling (doing the tickling): Maybe. 

Terms of endearment: Pet names are kinda cringe so it would have to be a really good one, which means I’m gonna go with possibly yes. 

Being called “best friend”: Yeah!

Being called “partner”: Sure!

Being called romantically-coded words (boyfriend, girlfriend, etc): Yes. 

Me having other platonic partners: …friends? 

My partner having other platonic partners: …friends? 

Me having other romantic partners: No. 

My partner having other romantic partners: No.

My partner doing romantic-coded things with someone else: No.

Me doing romantic-coded things with someone else: No.

My partner doing sexual things with someone else: Sure if they want to. 

Me doing sexual things with someone else: Gross, no. 

Touching my partner sexually: Definetly not. 

Being touched by my partner sexually: Hard pass. 

Having sex of any kind with my partner [specify if yes]: Absolutely not!

Sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: No. 

Non-sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: No.

“Romantically coded” gifts (flowers, chocolates, etc): Yes. 

Dancing: Sure.

Bed sharing (non-affectionate): Yes. 

Bed sharing (cuddling): Yes. 

Tucking my partner in: Maybe. 

Being tucked in: Maybe. 

Living together: Yes. 

[Platonic] marriage: Yes. 

Raising children together: If my partner really wants children, then adoption is a yes. 

Having pets together: Absolutely!! Cats!!

I have never been a fan of the term “coming out.”

Like many terms I use to describe my own queerness, I use the term “coming out” in a broad sense. When my asexuality comes up in conversation with a friend or family member who was unaware of it, I would refer to that situation as coming out. 

However, coming out is for straight people. 

Let me repeat that.

Coming out. Is for. Straight. People.

The only person I’ve had to truly come out to is myself. And lucky for me, she took it pretty well. 

The idea that I would actively need to come out is one I believe is perpetrated by straight people.

I would never have to come out if cishets stopped assuming I was heterosexual. When I walk into a room and someone assumes I like men, they automatically put me in the closet, which leaves me with two options. 

Number one: come out of the closet. 

Number two: stay closeted. 

Presented in front of me on a glimmering silver platter are two options I didn’t even want to choose from in the first place. 

In the grand scheme of things, this is by no means a large ordeal. I can very easily address the situation and come out if I feel safe and comfortable in my current environment. Or, I smile and nod along, maybe making a comment about how no, I don’t have a boyfriend. 

Unfortunately, these are two things I didn’t want to do in the first place. 

It is exhausting to come out. The emotional energy spent on coming out is one that shocks me every time I have to do it. 

Thankfully, I do enjoy talking about my queerness and educating others on my unique identity. Plus, I will happily take any opportunity to talk about my girlfriend. (And Conan Gray, obviously).

However, it should not be an expectation, a burden on my shoulders, that I must educate others on my sexuality, and describe my queerness to them. Let me be frank for a second; Google exists.

If I were straight, I would never even have to go out of my way to state my sexuality. If I mentioned I had taken a liking to a boy, or that I even had a boyfriend, I would undoubtedly be met with smiles and applause. 

I do not owe anyone a “coming out.” 

As much as I love my mother, my best friend, my sister, they do not deserve to know my sexuality. I have let them know this part of me because it is important to me and how I live my life. Keeping this to myself, or a select group of people is not me keeping a secret or hiding a part of my life. 

It is letting people into my life. 

We live in a society riddled with patriarchy. That patriarchy is the root of heteronormativity, amongst many other greater evils. 

Because of this system, heterosexuality is expected. It is not my fault that others assume this about me, and therefore expect to be told that they assumed wrong. The second they assume I am heterosexual, is the second they unknowingly hold up this oppressive system, and put queer people back into a box of expectations created by white, cisgender, heterosexual  men. 

At the end of the day, I will come out. I will come out again, and again. It is something I will always do, and I have accepted that. 

To look on the bright side, my “coming out” will bring awareness to asexuality, normalize queerness, and expand the expecations of those around me. Even though I am coming out for myself, I am simultaneously coming out for those who cannot, and hopefully creating a space where queerness is not only normalized, but embraced and accepted with love, so others can live their lives without fear. 

Considering I’m working towards a degree in English, I figured I might as well put my analysis skills to use in order to share my five favorite ace songs.

1. We’ll Never Have Sex – Leith Ross

We’re starting off this blog post with the only song on this list actually written about asexuality. Due to that reason, this song holds a special place in my heart, and obviously has to be placed at spot number one. 

“Oh you kissed me just to kiss me/Not to take me home” 

There is something about asexual love that I find quite pure and genuine. I think this line captures that beautifully, illustrating a kiss truly out of love and affection, rather than sexual desire without intimacy attached.

“I don’t wonder about your indifference” 

There is a great deal of indifference in many aces feelings towards sex or romance. As someone dating an aromantic, I find this line especially relatable and heartfelt. Even though I, or others, may not experience attraction the same way as many others, that doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. Emotions don’t need to be passionate and strong to be valid. Indifference can be just as beautiful.

“If I said you could never touch me/You’d come over and say I looked lovely”

THIS LINE. I could cry every time I hear it. The overwhelming love and respect in this one line has me screaming, crying, and throwing up.

“Come and kiss me, pretty baby/Like we’ll never have sex”

A kiss that won’t lead to anything else!! With no expectations!! It’s just out of love!!

2. It’s Nice to Have a Friend – Taylor Swift (honorable mention: cowboy like me) 

“Something gave you the nerve/To touch my hand/It’s nice to have a friend”

This is the perfect line to describe alterous attraction. There’s a hint of romance, yet immediately followed is platonic attraction. 

“Call my bluff, call you ‘babe’”

As the song progresses, so does this relationship, going from childhood school friends to something more intimate that hints towards romance: a relatable and wholesome piece. 

“…stay in bed/The whole weekend”

This is the dream. 

3. Like Real People Do – Hozier

“Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips/We should just kiss like real people do”

Even though I don’t experience sexual attraction, that doesn’t mean some aspects of it don’t appeal to me. The butterflies of a first kiss. The anticipation and romance that comes with it. Maybe I should pretend to be like “real people” and try it myself. 

4. Crush Culture – Conan Gray (honorable mention: People Watching)

“I don’t care if I’m forever alone/I’m not falling for you/’Cause this baby is loveproof”

I don’t care what anyone has to say, Cone wrote this song for the aromantics. 

“Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out”

Another line for my romance repulsed aros. 

Can we talk about the imagery in this line though? The hyperbole?! Conan said so much with just a simple line. We stan. 

“I’m sick of the kissing cult”

The energy spent questioning every single interaction with your crush, every text message, wondering what to wear or what to say. It all seems exhausting. If I could get sick of hearing about it, I can’t imagine hearing about all of your friends or peers conquests when you want that to happen to you. 

I’ve personally never felt pressured to join in on these stereotypical high school experiences, having a romantic first kiss being one of them. That’s probably because I think kissing is gross. Why on earth would I want to press my lips on someone elses and have their saliva on me?!  I have no idea. I truly can’t see the appeal no matter how hard I try. I see the love in couples eyes when they do it!! I do!! It’s just not for me. 

I guess that makes me, as well as Cone, sick of the kissing cult. 

5. Broken – lovelytheband

“I like that you’re broken, broken like me/Maybe that makes me a fool/I like that you’re lonely, lonely like me/I could be lonely with you”

There’s a strange sense of irony with being queer. As much as queer existance has to do with community, it is in fact, quite isolating. At times it is very easy to feel alone. Especially with asexuality, the so-called “invisible orientation,” makes it very easy to feel isolated. It can feel like there is no one who understands your experience. The way you personally experience attraction. Yet, we have to remember that there are people out there who understand you completely, and hopefully we’ll all be able to meet one and find comfort together through our loneliness. 

I love how these lines show hope for meeting that right person, if a partner is something you’re looking for. Even though society has called me broken for being asexual, maybe I, or other a-spec people, could find each other, and find comfort together in the loneliness we felt for so long. 

“Think I could love you, but I’m not sure”

THIS. This is the ace experience. 

I can love you, but is it in the way you love me? Is it enough for you? Is it okay that I love you differently? The way I love other people? I’m not sure. 

This line encapsulates those questions, that confusion, perfectly. 

For more songs and ace vibes: 

Jadey’s Ace Playlist  

If you know of any other songs by asexual artists, or that have ace vibes, I will gladly take any recommendations. 🙂

I’ll be the first to admit, there is nothing more frustrating than being in the midst of a sexuality crisis and being told, “You’ll figure it out when you’re in a relationship.” 

First of all, there’s a good chance you’re not in a relationship. Secondly, I want to figure out my sexuality immediately. And if you are in a relationship, it’s perfectly valid to not understand what you’re feeling, or for the aro-spec community, not feeling.

This conversation happened when I was figuring out my asexuality, and was little to no help. 

Unfortunately for the possible confused aro-spec reading this, I did come to the conclusion about my aro-spec identity while in a relationship. So here’s your warning now: this might be of zero help.

Before and after I identified as asexual, I didn’t worry about my romantic attraction; feeling very certain I was alloromantic. I loved romance novels and movies. I wanted to, in the wise words of Conan Gray, “feel all that love and emotion”. Although I had never been in a relationship, I was positive it would feel like everything my favorite authors had described, minus the sex of course.

This was not the case.

Once I entered a QPR with my aroace partner, I was shocked by how much platonic attraction I felt. The love I felt for her was completely different from my other friends, yet there were still platonic undertones mixed amongst the romance. I did, and still do, refer to my partner as my friend or best friend. Usually this is in my head, as only a handful of people know she is my girlfriend, and referring to her as my friend would make things more complicated. Plus, it would only add to the assumption that I was straight, and therefore obviously looking for a nice boy to date. 

Calling our relationship a QPR felt right to me. There is no romantic attraction on my partners half, and absolutely zero sexual attraction between the both of us. Using a different term for our relationship fits us. 

Unfortunately for me, it drove me straight into an aromantic crisis. 

One day, as I read the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, the thought dawned on me that I might be gray-romantic after reading a chapter on aromanticism. The feelings I had for my girlfriend were platonic, but also romantic. These two attractions were marbled together, sometimes separate, sometimes impossible to tell apart. Upon further research, the label didn’t seem to fit me in the way I wanted, so I dropped the investigation.

A few months later, demi-romanticism crossed my mind, and suddenly I was in the very center of a full blown sexuality crisis in the middle of a workout, sweaty and out of breath at the gym. As soon as I got home I researched the identity, texting my allo friend any and all questions I had, as well as my aromantic girlfriend, my mind going a million miles a minute. I kept this label as a possibility in the back of my head, deciding if I had to describe my romantic orientation that was a word I could use. It wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t in love with the flag, but it was a possibility.

I was still unsure. I knew my feelings were different from what alloromantics were feeling, and the idea that my romantic attraction was on the aro spectrum made sense while validating my feelings.

My feelings for my QPP felt platonic and romantic, yet I couldn’t find a word to describe it.

When I googled it I found no solid answer. Only articles from allos about what romantic attraction feels like, and quizzes about how to tell if you were in love.

Eventually, I scrolled on Instagram, and was reminded that the term alterous existed. 

I truly felt like the dumbest person alive. 

Many times I had previously read the term, related to it, and even had conversations about it with my girlfriend. How I had completely forgotten this label existed I have no idea. In my defense, there are quite a few to keep up with. 

Sighing, I realized this was a term I was definitely going to use. Unfortunately, the more I researched it, with what little information there was, I realized it was common to put a prefix in front of the term. 

God damnit. 

That was the one thing I hadn’t figured out. Bi-alterous didn’t feel right. Homo-alterous seemed too restrictive to one gender. Pan-alterous was better, but I certainly had a preference for girls. That led me to omni-alterous, but then again, was I actually attracted to all genders? Men oftentimes didn’t do it for me. 

I was back to the same old conclusion, I didn’t need to label my oriented attraction. 

Here’s a few ways I came to this conclusion: 

• With previous crushes I already knew I never had experienced sexual attraction to them. This left me with romantic attraction, however, I had honestly just wanted to be friends with them, with a few added benefits of hand holding and possible cuddling.
• With my current QPP it felt natural to call her my girlfriend as well as my best friend. 
• I found comfort in the idea that my identity was on the aromantic spectrum.
• I often couldn’t tell the difference between what felt platonic and romantic in our relationship. 
• I identified with the friends to lovers trope.
• The label alterous was one that I immediately clicked with, something I had never had with other labels. 

There it is. An alterous asexual. That’s me. For someone who wasn’t a fan of labels, I sure seemed to be collecting more and more.

It seems to be that every asexual has scoured the internet searching for more information about their identity. With information brings validation and comfort. Binge watching the select few ace YouTubers. Reading every inch of AVEN’s quorums. Finding the only real results of personal experiences from other aces on Reddit.

And after all of that is said and done, I seem to sit here with some more comfort than where I started, but that empty feeling is still there. Muted, but present. 

It’s an unspoken rite of passage to find an asexual community online. However, it’s difficult to find true connections. Sometimes all you need is an ear to listen. A TikTok to send someone. A text to a friend with yet another way allos confuse you. There are in fact limits to the internet. What every asexual needs, in my humble opinion, is another asexual. 

So, here I am! 

After hunting around the internet I found no solid answer in what I was looking for. A blog of a fellow ace, just talking about their personal experiences. One that was up and running, with somewhat recent posts. Preferably something besides a 2010 tumblr phase. 

How did my hypothetical blogger realize they were ace? What was their favorite song with ace vibes? What character were they convinced was queer coded? What were their ace book recs? How do their relationships work, QPR or not? 

When I couldn’t find such a thing, it became clear I must create my own. 

Hi. I’m Jadey. I’m 18. Asexual. I’m attending a tiny private liberal arts school to study English with a minor in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I have two cats. I love cake. I’m in love with Conan Gray. I CrossFit and paint my nails all the time. I want to be a writer and this is my starting place. I’m out to my family and friends and now the whole internet. I’m in a QPR with the most amazing person who I love an indescribable amount. I don’t know how long blog posts are supposed to be or how they really work so I think this is enough for a silly little blog post about my silly little ace life. Hopefully someone finds this and it’s exactly what they were looking for.