I’ll be honest. I wasn’t going to write a blog post this week. During the week when I usually spend my time writing was instead  filled with my new hobby; crocheting. About a month ago I decided I needed to learn how to crochet. So I did. And I became addicted. And instead of posting on the blog on Sunday as I usually do, I was going to spend it grinding out math homework so I don’t fail my math test on Monday. But, when I mentioned that to my friends, they were up in arms, so I have to upload for my biggest fans. I’m still going to spend Sunday studying, but I ended up with some time at this very moment and figured I could update you all on my sexuality. I know, you’re dying to know.

A very long, long time ago (four months) I wrote about how I was queer and asexual. After that, I wrote a post about how I felt that my romantic orientation was on the aromantic spectrum. Well, things have changed. 

I do still identify as ace. However, my post from a few weeks ago, “Exposing My Journal Entries From My Sexuality Crisis,” got me thinking. And by thinking, I mean I remembered how I really enjoyed not labeling my sexuality. So uh, that’s that. I decided I no longer want to explicitly label my romantic orientation as queer, as I had been doing. I still love using queer and gay as umbrella terms. I call myself gay and make jokes using the word gay literally everyday. So, I have love for those terms. However, I feel a lot of…comfort…I guess I could call it, in not labeling my romantic orientation. 

Also, I am not on the aromantic spectrum. At first, I labeled my romantic orientation as alterous; an orientation where one feels platonic and romantic feelings. I no longer feel that way. I’m very certain I’m alloromantic. *sarcastically celebrates*

I can’t really elaborate on how I figured this out. It’s really just one of those things I feel confident in. 

Also…I don’t like men. Besides Conan Gray, obviously. That might make you say, “Jadey, that sounds like you’re a lesbian then.” And to that I would say, “No.” Now, I have seen a lot of internet discourse from queer people discussing how compulsory heteronormativity, the patriarchy, internalized/external homophobia, and the fetishization of lesbians, specifically in porn, has made it extremely difficult for many people to accept the fact that they are lesbian, and that is a term that applies to them. I know I do not have to defend my sexuality, and the labels I choose to use or not use, but I did want to discuss this. Trust me, I’ve thought about this label numerous times. And like every label I’ve tried on in order to name my romantic orientation, it never fit just right.  Using the label lesbian feels too restrictive to me. I feel like that suggests I only like women, when in reality I would date anyone who wasn’t a man. Women. Non-binary people. Gender-fluid people. People with no labels on their gender. It doesn’t really matter to me how someone identifies. I’m just not that into masculinity. 

This wasn’t the biggest update. And it honestly did not take a lot of mulling over. In fact, most of my thoughts about this were done while writing this post, and this has maybe taken half an hour. As I’ve said before, labels are tools, not restrictions. Labels are magnets, not stickers, they’re not permanent. If one doesn’t fit, you can remove it from your hypothetical gay fridge. And if you find a really cool one you like, like one with a frog sitting on a mushroom or Conan Gray, you could add it to your collection. Alright, I’m off to crochet. 

Today we’re discussing something I’ve had on my mind recently….open relationships. Not necessarily for myself, but for my potential future partner. As a single college gal, I am now in the dating scene. And by dating scene I mean I can have slightly romantic crushes on people I barely know and never talk to. It’s fun to have crushes. It’s fun to imagine my future partner. It’s fun to think flirting is liking someone’s story on Instagram. Well, fun…pathetic…pish posh. 

Before I discuss my own thoughts on these three subjects, I thought I would give definitions, and we could have some reflection on prejudices, stereotypes, and internal bias. 

Polyamory: the practice or desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one partner at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved. 

Open Relationship: an arrangement where someone has one or more sexual or romantic partners at a time. 

(From my understanding, this differs from polyamory because you could have as many partners as you want, and be free to take new partners whenever you please. This is typically a sexual relationship, not romantic).

Non-monogamy: (ethical non monogamy) refers to a relationship where partners agree to have other partners and are fully aware and agree to those partners. 

Now…I often feel that people are quick to judge those not in typical monogamous relationships. Let’s do some internal reflection, hm? Did you automatically think that this was weird? Gross? Wrong? How about we instead open our minds to the idea of diversity in relationships, and celebrate differences, rather than judge people for their differences. 

Okay. That’s enough of that. Time to bring this post back to everyone’s favorite topic; me. 

Polyamory: as far as I am aware I am not interested in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously my sexuality is up for changes, but at this point in time I think I would be happy having one partner and my partner not having any other romantic partners. I want to be that one person for my partner who they confide in, live with, and possibly get married to. 

Open relationships: here is where I have some comments. For myself, I am very much not interested in an open relationship…what would I do? I don’t want to have sex with people. I don’t see myself in multiple romantic relationships. This doesn’t apply to me. However, it could apply to my future partner. Just because I’m ace doesn’t necessarily mean my future partner will be. Although it would be nice to have an ace partner, the universe might throw the perfect person in my life and they could be allosexual. And, I figured it would be very unlikely for an allo person to be completely happy with a totally nonsexual relationship. No sex. No kissing. No funny business. So, if my hypothetical perfect person was interested in sex, that would then bring up an ~open relationship~

If my future partner wants to have sex…they can. Obviously this would be a very long discussion, but in general I don’t have a problem with my partner having sex with other people. As long as they’re in a committed relationship with me, they can have a sexual relationship too. This obviously isn’t something I’m in love with, as I would prefer that my partner could be fully happy and satisfied in a relationship with yours truly, but for some strange reason people want sex and I guess I can’t stop them. 

And to touch on non-monogamy, well, I said I’d be fine with an open relationship so if my partner has a sexual relationship, that’s fine. I personally don’t feel the need to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I know I would be happy in a monogamous relationship. 

Okay. That’s all this ace has to say on that. I do find it interesting how many people, specifically straight, cis, monogamous, allo people are usually the ones  a bit quicker to judge non-monogamous relationships, and I think my own experience in the queer community has definitely opened my eyes to the joy people find in different types of relationships; plus the importance of clear and  confident communication in a nontypical relationship. 

At the beginning of 2022 I made two lists in my notes app: “Books I Read This Year” and “2SLGBTQIA+ Books I’ve Read.” I decided it was only necessary that I review the gay books and give each of them a rating out of ten. Note: these are not ranked in any order of favorites, they’re in the order I read them (I am way too indecisive for that). 

Boyfriend Material – Alexis Hall

8.5/10

This book was the classic fake dating to real dating trope, which honestly, can be very overdone and cringe. However, this was not the case. To be completely honest, when I first tried to read this book I put it down, read some other books, before I eventually picked it back up to restart it. The author is from the UK and the big vocabulary plus the British terms threw me off, but once I kept reading I realized how wrong I was for putting it down. It was super entertaining and funny.  It definitely made you wait for the sappy gay love story because you were busy being annoyed at the protagonist. A sequel was recently released, and it’s currently sitting on my shelf waiting to be read. 

What If It’s Us – Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

8/10

A very cute wholesome gay book. You know they’re gonna be happy and the universe will bring them together. It’s one of those stories that’s an easy read and you feel happy reading it. I’m currently reading the sequel.

Melissa (first published as George)  – Alex Gino

7/10

I wanted to read this because it was on a list of banned books. Thanks transphobes. It was a cute coming of age story about a trans girl at a middle school appropriate reading level. A cute, wholesome read. I do wish the ending was a bit longer, and we got to see more of Melissa being her true self. 

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex – Angela Chen

10/10

This book was so interesting. Even as a pretty educated ace person myself, I learned lots by reading this and felt incredibly validated. If you’re interested in learning more about asexuality then this is the book for you! Also I think it would be really interesting for allos to read to understand the complexity of attraction and begin to understand more about one’s own attraction in a more in depth way. 

The Upside of Unrequited – Becky Albertalli

7/10

Honestly, I was expecting more from Becky. I really liked Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and was expecting another great book, but this one was just good. I did enjoy the ending where our main character finally gets the person she’s after, but I definitely had to wait a while to get there. 

I Wish You All The Best – Mason Deaver 

7.5/10

I don’t remember loving this one, but it was definitely good! There was great non-binary and queer representation, but it is really sad, which is something I usually don’t dip my toes into because I don’t need that kind of brutal homophobic sadness in my life. However that is very real and prevalent, so this book illustrated the reality of coming out and not having a supportive family. 

She Drives Me Crazy – Kelly Quindlen

6/10

BookTok recommended this and they disappointed me. 

The writing was really juvenile, which is something I am very quick to judge because it really irritates me. I throw that word around a lot with novels I read because I find it incredibly annoying. Sometimes I’m left thinking “They just let anybody publish a book nowadays, huh?” This book wasn’t bad, it just hyped up a lot so I was expecting great things and got disappointed. 

Kate In Waiting – Becky Albertalli

6/10

Another one I wanted to be a lot better. This was about our straight main character and her gay best friend crushing on the same guy. Maybe our straight main character threw me off…once again…expecting more from Becky.

Loveless – Alice Oseman

10/10 

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS EVER. I WANT TO RE-READ IT IMMEDIATELY. THE AROACE REP IS UNMATCHED. SO MUCH QUEER AND ACE REP!!!

she is the poem – june bates 

8.5/10

A super cute poetry book about the queer experience and sapphic love. Some of the poems made me cry which is very rare for my reading experience. These poems really just hit a spot of sensitivity and relatability in my little gay heart. 

I Kissed Shara Wheeler – Casey McQuiston

7/10

I adore Casey McQuiston books but this one was my least favorite of their books I’ve read. In 2021 I read Red, White & Royal Blue and loved  it. It was super witty and romantic, but this one wasn’t giving everything I wanted it to give. 

Heartstopper – Alice Oseman

10/10 

SO CUTE AND WHOLESOME. This was the only graphic novel I read this year and I fell so in love with Nick and Charlie. Plus it got turned into a TV show that I am OBSESSED with and have re-watched many, many times. 

The Song of Achilles – Madeline Miller

9/10

Beautiful. So well written. I adored this take on Greek mythology. Super unique plot. I honestly don’t have a lot to say because the plot and the writing speaks for itself. One of the best, if not the best written book I read last year. 

Fan Art – Sarah Tregay

5/10 (and that’s just me rating the story, not accounting for the problematic bits)

I needed a gay book to read and got this one for $3 at a local bookstore. This did the trick but was nothing to write home about. There were a few lines that were incredibly cliche, plus I never loved the main character. He was a bit of a push-over and I thought it seemed like a gay book written by a straight person, although I don’t know the author’s sexuality. It was cute, and I was entertained for what it was: a coming of age/falling in love with your best friend novel. I don’t know if this was the author’s first book…but it definitely seemed like it was…

People on GoodReads however had very different opinions and hated this book. I didn’t really pick up on the fetishazation/biphobia some people mentioned during my first read, but now looking back the main character was worried that his best friend was straight and not gay, which completely left out many other sexualities. There are more than two sexualities!! I will say again, it really seems like it was written by a straight person, and straight people should never try to write about the queer experience!! 

I downloaded Tinder. 

It was terrifying. 

As a group of college students do on a Monday night, my friends and I decided it would be just hilarious as well as entertaining to have our friend, Rana, make a Tinder account. We were right of course. We had great fun choosing pictures and info to put in our friends bio, but the real fun began when we started swiping through boys. 

I might be gayer than I thought, because there were SO many bros on straight Tinder. They all had ugly gym mirror selfies or fishing pics or incredibly grotesque hunting pictures with a dead animal bleeding out on their lap. Nothing says “I’m boyfriend material” like a murdered animal! Sport pics immediately threw me off and the only guys I thought were mildly attractive were the ones that had long hair and wore clothes that I would wear. 

After well over an hour of staring at men I couldn’t do it anymore. There were way too many Pisces men. Curiosity got the best of me and I downloaded Tinder (well, my phone was hijacked and it was downloaded by Rana) to see what the gay side looked like. 

First of all, I had no idea what to do. You’re telling me I am supposed to look at a photo of a person, read about them, and then decide if that makes them relationship material? 

Sure, the person I’m looking at is pretty. They look like a well rounded person with interests and a life and friends and hobbies. What am I supposed to do with that information?? 

It was especially funny when I found someone I knew. You can bet my hand flew over my mouth when I found a girl I have a class with. Imagine how awkward that would have been!

Here’s what I learned: 

1. Practically every gay person on Tinder smokes weed.

2. Half of the people there are looking for friends. (I mean…same.)

3. Dating apps are scary, but entertaining. 

4. I am either too asexual or not as alloromantic as I thought because I could not picture being more than friends with any of the people on there.

5. Time flies by on dating apps!

6. A bunch of college students are on dating apps. What happened to meeting people in person? You’re on a college campus for Christ’s sake! I get it, I have a blog, I’m old fashioned. Is meeting people your own age really that difficult? 

On Tuesday I went to do one last scroll and delete the app but I couldn’t because it was just too entertaining. What if I meet a Conan obsessed blogger to be my bestie?! Don’t worry, on Wednesday my account was deleted and the app was removed from my phone. Sorry to disappoint, you won’t be able to find me there. 

This was clearly a very limited view on the world of Tinder, so in order to provide more context I decided to interview my dear friend Rana to see what she had to say about her experience on straight Tinder. 

Jadey: What are your thoughts on Tinder/how was your experience?

(A summary of what Rana said)

When downloaded: it was really fun and entertaining to see who was on there, it was a big game of smash or pass. (Note: this is the exact opposite of what I thought, we love Rana adding allo diversity to this post). Getting matched was very entertaining. After the first text it got stressful. She realized she was not cut out for this life and it was hard to keep a conversation going

After two days it was entertaining, but is now just an app that sends her notifications. All the options are gross and she’ll only go on it if she’s bored. 

Jadey: Do you have a message to all the bros on Tinder? 

Rana: If you want something to happen don’t wait seven years to make it happen. Don’t send texts that end in “that’s supposed to be a compliment” because it’s clearly not a compliment. 

Pictures of guns? Don’t. 

Jadey: Do you think it’s possible to actually meet someone on this app?

Rana: I think so. Maybe not for me. I do think so. 

Jadey: Was tinder what you thought it would be?

Rana: 100%. I had some higher expectations for the people there. I thought they would be cuter. They were not. 

Jadey: How would you compare this experience to your entertainment from me scrolling on gay Tinder? 

Rana: I feel like yours was so much more diverse. Because every guy was the same. There were two types of guys; douches and the weirdos. Neither of which I would like to talk to.

Jadey: How’s Brady? (the guy she is currently talking to)

Rana: He just texted me actually. 

Now we shall wait and see if Brady makes a move. Alright. That’s all for this post. If you’re in the need of some entertainment – Tinder is the place to go. 

Today’s blog post is going to be a combination of many things that have been on my mind lately, as well as some reflecting I’ve done about the break up. 

I’ve finally hit the point where I feel like I’m getting over the heartache. For a second it felt like I never would. That there was no way I could get over the sadness. That’s how grief works I guess. It feels paralyzing for a while until one day it doesn’t. 

As an asexual, I am very aware that there are many people out there in the world who do not want to date me. I’m fine with that. I understand that people, for a reason I can’t understand, want sex in a relationship. That is, in fact, a necessity for them. However, I will admit, there is the occasional thought in my mind that I won’t find someone. Maybe there are people out there I’ll fall in love with but they won’t want me for me. Maybe I found the one person I got along with and now that’s over. I know that’s not true. I know there is another invisible string somewhere pulling the right person to me. Maybe I’ll meet them tomorrow. Maybe I’ll meet them ten years from now. They’re out there. I’m sure of it. I know I’m not the first person who has ever thought this. I’m sure the majority of the population has worried there is no one out there for them; asexual or not. If I truly believe there’s someone out there for everyone, why would I think I don’t apply to that? 

I think I was quite kind with my word choice in sharing how I felt about the break up on the blog. I wrote one post about how I was getting over it very soon after it happened. Although everything I said was true; that post did not mean I was totally okay. I was still incredibly sad. I still wrote about my feelings and missed what we had. 

Currently, the day I’m writing this, I feel quite okay. I feel like I’m truly okay with the fact that we broke up. Now I can have silly little crushes and be even more in love with Conan Gray. I can romanticize my life and imagine my main character moment when I finally have my meet-cute. That doesn’t mean I wanted the break up to happen. I have no choice but to make the best of the situation and move on. 

A lot of the time I did feel truly okay and lived my life as normal. However, there were many times where I would return to being extremely upset. I didn’t stop crying after the breakup. I didn’t magically get better. And that’s okay, I shouldn’t expect myself to. 

I also think there are people out there who don’t understand the reality of my relationship and the breakup. They assume I’m fine because I’m asexual and she is still my best friend. Let me be clear; I still had my heart broken. (That sounds so dramatic but you know what I mean). I was still extremely upset. Thankfully, I could keep photos of us up on my wall. I don’t have to burn the letters she’s given me or block her on social media. That does help the situation. However, during the sadness it was not my top priority to think of all the things I still have. It was my priority to let all my feelings out. 

Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean that I am not heartbroken. I was truly in love. I was so inexplicably in love. And I still am, just in a different way. I have love for my best friend. For the person who was there during my entire sexuality crisis. The first person I fell in love with. The first person who made me feel like I was me. She was the person who made me understand that I can feel love in just as beautiful a way as others do, if not in a way that is more special. Who would have been my muse for poetry if not her? 

I was the first person in my friend group to date someone. To fall in love. To no fault of their own, a majority of the people in my life could not relate to what I was going through, merely because they have never been in a relationship and will never experience what it’s like to be queer. I don’t want anyone to have to experience heartbreak, although it is almost inevitable. I do wonder how things would have been different if people around me had a way to relate to what I was going through. 

Just because there wasn’t sex and sexual attraction doesn’t make my relationsip any less legit. Just because we used different words and labels doesn’t take away the value in our relationship. It doesn’t make it any less real. This is my normal. Dating and falling in love and having romantic feelings is how I live life. That is my normal in a relationship. Just because my normal is different from yours does not devalue my relationship. It does not devalue my feelings and my love and my heartbreak. 

Maybe this is just me, and I get to say it because this is my blog, but I think, actually, I know, that the patriarchy limits what is capable of being felt and experienced in straight relationships. There are rules and expectations that straight, cisgender couples are upholding subconsciously and consciously. Supporting gender roles and societal expectations about heterosexual relationships takes away from what some could experience. I don’t really know how to elaborate on that. Don’t expect to live in the suburbs and raise three kids exactly two years apart if that’s not going to make you 100% completely and utterly happy. Queer people have an advantage, that they’re already defying what society wants of them. We have freedom to have unique relationships, to act and dress how we want. To express our sexuality and do whatever we want because we don’t have to live up to made up rules. This allows me to remain friends with my ex without the heteronormative assumptions and expectations. 

There isn’t a single ounce of me that doesn’t want my ex-girlfriend/ best friend in my life. I have quite a bit to say on this so it might be applicable to make separate blog post on. To quickly sum this up in case it doesn’t become a post; I love her. I’ve established a life with her that I want to keep. She never stopped being my best friend. Plus, it’s a bit ironic, and why not live for the irony and out of spite for those who think exes can’t be friends? 

Okay. That was quite a whirlwind of ideas and thoughts. There’s probably at least one more breakup blog post after this, and then we’ll move onto another topic. We need some variety in the world of this asexual. 

Last week I attended a Fletcher concert so I figured it was an appropriate topic for a blog post as it was probably the gayest thing I have ever been to. There was truly not one straight person in sight. I kid you not, it was gayer than Pride.

I’ve actually never been to a concert by an explicitly queer artist. I’ve seen the love of my life Conan Gray in concert, but he doesn’t label his sexuality or write songs about loving the same gender the way other queer artist do. Fletcher, aka Cari, does. Cari, for the most part, only writes songs about relationships, breakups, and being queer. This draws in an incredibly gay audience, one I’m sure lacks a token straight fan, as her queer music wouldn’t be super relatable. 

I also loved the irony of this concert, as I did in fact attend it with my ex-girlfriend, which is honestly the gayest thing we could have done. It was truly too perfect for a Fletcher concert, who would in fact spend the whole time singing about her ex and how she’s getting over that relationship. 

Here’s some highlights from the concert: 

1. Chappell Roan

I walked into this concert having no idea there was an opener, and then once I learned there was one, I had no idea who she was. Turns out, Chappell Roan is an indie pop/rock artist and she’s amazing. 

First of all, she’s stunning. I have actually fallen in love with every red head I’ve ever laid eyes upon and she was no exception. She also wore this adorable little green fairy-ish dress that made her look like Ariel. 

Secondly, her performance was such a slay. I kept turning to Jordan to say “She’s slaying!!” because she truly was. Her vocals were amazing. She had such an energetic stage presence. It also made it ten times better that there were two people behind us that absolutely adored her and were screaming along to every single song. Their energy was hilarious and made her performance even better. 

The next day I woke up and listened to her entire discography. She is also going on tour next year, and we even looked into buying tickets. Unfortunately she is already sold out in the city we could most easily go to and afford as the busy college students we are. 

2. The View

The seating was general admission, so we showed up a little over an hour before the doors opened. This was such a fantastic decision because we got there when the line was still short and ended up standing super close to the stage. I’ve never been that close at a concert before, and honestly have never expected to be that close. It wasn’t the very front row, but it was close. 

3. I Know How to Concert

I’m a music girly. I’m listening to music as I type this. I listen to music when I walk to class. When I get ready in the morning. When I shower. When I clean my room. I listen to music all the time. I’ve been in music classes since I was a wee child in the fourth grade. You can bet that I learned every single lyric to Fletcher’s discography so I could sing along to all of her songs. Plus, being there with a friend who also loves Fletcher is so much better. We obviously danced and sang and had the best time vibing with each other. It was truly me, her, and Fletcher. I have no clue what everyone else was doing. 

4. It Was Therapeutic 

We all know at this point that I’ve been broken hearted. Being able to spend time with my ex/best friend makes me feel a lot better about our relationship. I love spending time with her, and doing that, especially at a concert, allows me to become comfortable with our friendship and enjoy what we now have. 

5. Fletcher Has Bops

Singing breakup songs with your ex? Kinda superior. 

Unfortunately Cari didn’t sing “Feel”, which I was really hoping for as that is truly the perfect breakup cry song. I would have totally lost it. She also didn’t sing “Cherry” or “girls girls girls” which was disappointing, but she sang lots of other amazing songs like “All Love,” ”Undrunk,” “Bitter,” “Sting,” and “Becky’s So Hot.” 

6. It Was Gay

I was supposed to attend a girl in red concert earlier this year, and it ended up that I wasn’t able to go. I really, really wanted to go to a queer artist’s concert. I wanted to sing songs about loving girls with other queer people. This concert was that opportunity. There’s always an unspoken understanding when queer people get together and it’s quite comforting. It’s just nice to know that others share your experience, plus celebrate it by singing gay songs. 

7. The Night Ended Well

It was nice to spend so much time with my best friend. It had been a while since I had seen her, and it will be a while until I see her again. We got to spend practically the whole day together, driving to the venue, waiting in line, being at the concert, and the lengthy drive home. 

The night ended in what I thought was the perfect way; we shared headphones and listened to Conan Gray on the way home. 

Unfortunately now all I want to do is attend another concert. However, none of my favorite artists are touring, so I must wait eight long months until I get to see the one and only Dr. Taylor Alison Swift in concert, which is going to actually be the coolest thing ever. You know there will be a blog post about that; you just gotta wait at least 244 days until it’s uploaded. 

I feel like I’ve been out forever.

It always catches me by surprise when I remember that I came out this year. I feel like I’ve been out my whole life. Although I jokingly refer back to a time when I was “straight,” that feels like another version of Jadey, one I knew in a dream, or a very distant past. 

Last spring (April 2022) I came out to my immediate family. After that, a whirlwind of growth and change filled the next few months; the biggest event being that I entered into a queer relationship. At the time, trying to navigate that relationship while choosing who to come out to and when, was more stressful than I had expected. 

Looking back, being in a relationship so soon after I came out was honestly the best thing that could have happened to me. My partner and I loved each other and had no desire to hide our relationship. Because I loved her so fiercely, it pushed me out into the open with my own queerness. I wasn’t going to hide her and who we were. Dating her gave me just another opportunity to be openly out, whether it was holding hands in public or discussing my relationship with a curious family member or friend. 

I went to Pride for the first time this year! I’ve wanted to go to Pride for years, and this year was the opportunity. It was amazing to be in a space where I could openly hold my girlfriend’s hand and see people who understood me for who I was. Never in my life had I been in a place where it was assumed that I was queer. It was a beautiful experience. It was also amazing to see my community represented and to see the ace flag being raised proudly in the parade. 

As time went on, I became a lot more comfortable with my sexuality. By being in a relationship I learned what I was comfortable with physically and emotionally, how I wanted to be loved, and how I express love through my unique attraction. 

Because of all of that, I ended up starting this blog. Writing about my experiences has allowed me to reflect on what my identity means to me; bringing me comfort as well as confidence in my queerness.

Right after I started this blog I began college. It’s wild to think that I was in high school this year. I feel like I’ve been in college for ages. It was a really good change for me to leave home and be on campus. I definitely felt a bit of resistance to be out in high school, and to be so open about my queerness. I wasn’t too afraid of how people at school would react; friends or teachers, but I was a bit hesitant to be out on social media, where lots of people would see me for me, even those who do not share the same beliefs as me. 

Leaving for college gave me a fresh start. I entered what I’ve been calling my “gayer in college era,” where my fresh start meant a time where I could dress in a queer way, as well as post and talk about my queerness on social media and in my everyday life. 

Once I got to school I immediately joined my school’s Pride club and have attended every week. I get to learn about lots of gay things in college. In one class we regularly read about gender and the patriarchy and heteronormativity and it is so cool. 

I also ended my first relationship this year. Although it was not something I wanted to do, it was best for my partner and our respective aspec identities and what we needed in a relationship. Being the gay people we are, we are still best friends, we are just no longer dating and using language that would refer to ourselves in that way. Dealing with the heartbreak that came from that forced me to reflect on the happiness and growth we both had during our time together as a couple. It’s truly been amazing to see how I’ve grown in my identity, and how she was unknowingly such a big factor in that. That just goes to show that having a community, having people, specifically other queer people, around me has been life changing. 

See? I feel like that’s a lot of things for barely eight months of being out. It feels like eight years. It’s almost exhausting to think about. I guess I’ll have to keep writing out my thoughts and living life as authentically as possible to keep having things to post on the blog.