Author: Jadey Holcomb

I Got a Conan Gray Inspired Tattoo

On my adventure to become an even hotter and sexier person I knew one thing had to be done: I needed to get a tattoo. I had always thought that maybe somewhere down the road I would get a tattoo if I came up with a design I absolutely loved. However, I am super picky about tattoos, and preferred ones that were fine lines in black or colored ink. I had seen a lot of ugly tattoos and did not want to be the owner of one.

Up until my nineteenth year of life a design like that had never spoken to me. Then, one day on TikTok I saw someone get lyrics from a Conan Gray song tattooed on their arm in Conan’s handwriting. This thought had never even occurred to me. When Conan’s most recent album, Superache, came out in June of 2022, he sold vinyls with pictures, a poster, and lyric sheets he had written in his own handwriting.

In the back of my mind, I loved this idea and considered it for myself, but I am indecisive, so I sat with it for a while. Plus, I had the “Astronomy” lyrics sheet that had a tiny Saturn and stars drawn on it, and I had been considering getting that tattooed somewhere, but never decided where I wanted it. Later, I decided I wanted lyrics from my favorite song, “People Watching.” It’s been my favorite song for years, plus that song is definitely aspec and queer.

I was worried it would be a bit cringe to get a tattoo inspired by my favorite artists. What if he’s no longer my favorite artist in two years? What if he does something super crazy and gets totally and completely canceled by society? (We all know that wouldn’t happen, Conan is too pure for this world). I never thought I would be one of those fangirls who practically dedicated their life to an artist, and maybe I’m not there yet, but let’s be honest, Conan is a huge part of my life.

The idea of a tattoo was in my head, and I knew I eventually had to get one. I considered behind my ear, and on my finger, but none of those places seemed just right. After scrolling on Pinterest, I saw lots of cute tattoos on people’s ribs, and decided I would be even hotter and sexier with a rib tat. Have you ever met an uncool unsexy person with a rib tat? I think not.

I had considered getting the words “people watching” tattooed on my ribs, but on another Pinterest scroll, I saw a graphic that said “love and emotion” and I knew what had to be done.

Here’s all the reasons I decided to get “love and emotion” tattooed on my body forever:

Conan brings me the most joy I have ever felt in my whole entire silly little life.
“People Watching” is my favorite song of all time.
Love and emotion is so me. I am so full of love, and I am so full of emotion.
Rib tats are hot.
The way Conan sings “love and emotion” in “People Watching” is so angelic and beautiful I knew I needed it on my body forever.
If this song ends up not being my most favorite, looking back on this and knowing how much joy and happiness this brought me at the age of nineteen would be a lovely little memory to have.
If for some reason I ended up hating it, I could easily cover it up and never see it.
It’s good for the plot.

I had the idea of getting a Conan lyric in the back of my mind for at least four months, and in January Fully committed to “love and emotion.” At first, I decided I would sit with it until the fall, and get a tattoo at the end of 2023 if I still wanted it.

That clearly didn’t happen.

One day, in the middle of January, I was walking back from math class, and “People Watching” came on in my headphones. There must have been something in the air that day because that song had never sounded so good, and I knew, I just knew, that I needed it on my body forever. Plus, I had the playlist on shuffle (Conan’s Complete Collection), and the song that came on right after was once again “People Watching.” I took that as a sign. (The song was added to the playlist twice, once as a single and once when the entire Superache album was added. What’s the chance that song plays back to back?!)

After that, I told my dear friend Rana my epiphany, and we began looking for a tattoo artist (since she wanted a tattoo as well). She found the location, and we did our separate research on the artists who worked there, coincidentally having the same favorite artist, who we immediately booked with. I decided to book for after my birthday in February (giving myself a whole month to wait). I knew I wanted to get my tattoo when I was 19, mostly because it sounded like a good age for a tattoo, and 18 seemed too young and irresponsible. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the tattoo three days after my 19th birthday, so maybe some of my 18th year decision making was still with me.

Rana and I weren’t able to get a tattoo appointment for the same day, so I watched her get hers first, and got mine the next day. Watching her get her tattoo got rid of almost all of my nerves, and replaced them with pure excitement. Rana got a rose on her left inner arm, and I can honestly say (not even as her friend) that it is the prettiest rose I have ever seen. The lines are so incredibly thin and the detail work is crazy good. I have truly never seen such a beautifully detailed tattoo like it before. Our artist did an amazing job.

At my appointment, I adjusted the words from the “People Watching” lyric sheet a tiny bit, in order to make the lines straighter and adjust Cone’s handwriting so it was clear enough to my liking.

I was hardly nervous. I was just so excited, and even once the tattoo needle was out, my nerves remained only a slight flicker.

Now. You know what everyone says about rib tattoos. That they hurt. I got my tattoo on the right side of my body, in a middle space between my stomach and right rib cage, so it’s visible when I wear a tiny top or a bikini. I would give the pain a 6/10. It definitely stung and was uncomfortable, but it was totally bearable. I would go through it again. Maybe if it was on my actual rib cage, on top of the bones, it would have hurt a lot more.

I was at the appointment for about an hour and fifteen minutes, but the actual tattoo process took about thirty minutes. First the artist did the outline of the words, then went back and filled them in. I focused on my breathing to distract from the stinging, and talked to my two friends who accompanied me. (I ended up paying $170 for it including tip).

Once the tattoo was done, I obviously got to look at it, and I was overjoyed. It looked so cool. The tattoo was bigger than what I originally had in mind, but in order for it to look good over time, a bigger size was necessary for it to last well, and size and location actually turned out perfect, and I had an awesome artist who I would definitely go to again and again.

Even after I got the tattoo, and still now, I can’t believe that I am actually a person with permanent ink on my body.

Future Jadey will insert info about the healing process here:

The hardest part about the first few days of healing was that it was covered in a clear bandage, so I could see the ink begin to bleed as my tattoo healed and liquid and gunk buildup under the wrap. That meant I couldn’t see my tattoo very clearly. All I wanted to do was look at it!! I kept returning to the photos I had taken in order to see it crisp and clear. I thought it might get irritated when I worked out, but it didn’t at all. (I waited until the third day to work out).

After one week I was surprised to report that everything was perfect. I took the bandage off after three days, and began a routine of washing and moisturizing the spot twice a day. I thought it might be painful, or annoying to sleep on, but that was not the case. There was no itching, and no discomfort whatsoever.

A final update: after two weeks it’s totally fine?! I thought it would itch or feel like something, but it didn’t. It did peel a bit, but it was hardly noticeable. I kept comparing the healing process to that or an ear piercing, as that was the most similar experience I had to compare it to. And let me tell you, a tattoo is way better than a piercing. I got my helix pierced four months ago, and it still hurts if I sleep on it wrong. My tattoo on the other hand is almost too easy to sleep on.

Now…the question is. Jadey. Will you get another tattoo? The answer is…

Probably.

I have a few vague ideas of what I would want, but I am in no rush whatsoever to get another. I would like to get some more piercings first, and that costs just as much as a tattoo, and unfortunately for me, my blog doesn’t make me any money, so I’ll be waiting a while for another round of anything.

Alright. That’s enough talking. Of course I love it. It’s Conan. I’m excited for it to be summer so I can show it off and see how it looks in a few months when it’s completely healed.

If you were looking for a sign to get a tattoo, this is it.

Sometimes Asexuality Makes Me Sad

Recently, I had the realization that sometimes my asexuality makes me sad.

Up until this point in time I had never really thought that. Obviously, it brings me a lot of joy, as it is something I talk about quite a lot and even created a whole blog to discuss. I talked about it a little when I made a few breakup posts, and wrote about how I feared there might not be someone out there for me because I’m ace. I still know that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t those thoughts in the back of my mind. It’s hard to know that my asexuality, something I love about myself, is a flaw to others. It’s an issue to them, rather than a feature. And I know that it limits those who want to date me. It might be challenging to find another ace person to date. And while I know it’s possible I could be happy dating an allo person, I still worry my asexuality might be a burden. That it might prevent someone from feeling fulfilled in a relationship with me. Obviously, if that was the case, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. But that would inevitably lead to quite a sad breakup.

I know my asexuality is special. I know I’m special. I know there are people out there in the world who would be so lucky to know me and be my friend, let alone date me and have the opportunity to be loved by me. Because I am so full of love. I have so much love and joy to give and I look forward to the day when I meet the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. I know it’ll be a love story for the pages. However, it’s different when I tell that to myself. It’s different when I tell myself how compassionate and cool and kind I am, compared to when someone else does. Trust me, I know there are people in my life who think this. I know my friends and family love me. They do think I’m amazing. I don’t need them to verbalize that to know it. But, it’s different when there’s something about you that is so unique, so different from the experience of those around you.

I think it brings me more sadness especially because I am a sex-averse asexual (as opposed to being sex-neutral or sex favorable). I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to do anything sexual. It would make me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I don’t even want to kiss someone on the lips.

That in itself is a whole other topic of sadness. I know I’ve written about this before, but at this point in time, I wish I was an asexual that likes kissing. I hope that desire goes away eventually. But I know it’s okay because our society is so consumed with sex and romance that it can be hard to unlearn things. I don’t need to kiss someone to experience intimacy or show my love. There are so many other ways I can do that. Even though it’s silly of me, I do hope that maybe I will meet someone and want to kiss them. Is that possibly an aphobic thing for me to think about? Probably. But oh well. I know it won’t happen and I can think whatever I want about myself. It just seems so fun and cute. Oh well.

It’s not easy being queer. And unfortunately, the longer I live out and proud as I do, the more I realize that. I live in my own little gay bubble full of joy and rainbows. I talk about being queer and make it a big part of my life because it is. It is so important to me. That is not the reality of queerness. Like many other marginalized communities, being in the queer community is full of heartache. That is the brutal reality of my life. Of my community’s life. And it’s something that isn’t going to go away. Who knows. It might never.

My asexuality makes me sad. I’m sad people don’t understand it. I’m sad it limits my relationships and dating pool. I’m sad people have so many misconceptions and stereotypes about me and my community. I’m sad there is so little asexual representation in the media. I’m sad I don’t get to experience the spark of a first kiss or the giddy experience of telling my friends a cute boy asked for my number. There are experiences I miss out on because I’m ace and queer and that is something I have to come to terms with.

Alright. That’s enough sadness for today. It maybe didn’t help that I listened to Phoebe Bridgers the whole time I wrote this.

How Accurate are Asexual Stereotypes? – This Asexual Tells You

My blog post two weeks ago was answering the web’s most searched questions about asexuality, and that brought up a lot of funny ace stereotypes. Because I find a lot of those stereotypes quite entertaining and true, I decided it would be fun to share them and rate them on how accurate they are to me and the ace community. Obviously, these are stereotypes, but a lot of them are quite accurate, and this, like all my posts, is just one ace’s thoughts on this. I do not speak for the whole community.

Aces love dragons.

I have no clue how this started. One day I saw a meme that aces love dragons and that was that. I think a part of the reason aces seem to love fantasy and mythical things is because they don’t exist, and some people think asexuality doesn’t exist. It’s ironic.

Jadey relatability: 8/10

I love dragons. They’re pretty. They’re cool. I would love a pet dragon.

Community relatability: 8/10

I think a lot of aces would agree with me.

Aces love cake.

This is by far the most accurate stereotype. I am honestly uncertain to even call it a stereotype because it honestly seems factual at this point. I talk about this more in this post, but one day an ace on AVEN said that aces would rather eat cake than have sex. That’s pretty darn true. For a really long time I decided cake was my favorite food. Now I would say it is my second or third depending on the day. (Pizza obviously being number one).

Jadey relatability: 10/10

Community relatability: 9/10.

One point is deducted for the aces who prefer garlic bread to cake.

Aces love garlic bread.

Just like the cake thing, aces do love garlic bread. I think some definitely prefer cake, but garlic bread is for those who don’t like cake.

Jadey relatability: 6/10

Community relatability: 8/10

Come on…who doesn’t like bread?

Aces love space.

This is a stereotype I am unsure about. I think this is mostly due to the fact that ace rhymes with space, and therefore things about asexuality are inspired by space due to the puns you can make.

Jadey relatability: 5/10

Space is cool. Space is pretty. I’m not one to be considered a science girly, but Conan Gray loves astronomy and wrote a song about it, and I love Conan Gray.

Community relatability: 7/10

Aces dress like the ace flag.

Jadey relatability: 5/10

I don’t always dress like the ace flag, but when I do, I make sure to document it. I’m usually too busy wearing black and green, as that is my favorite color combo.

Community relatability: 8/10

Online discourse has informed me that lots of aces unknowingly dressed like the ace flag before they realized they were ace. It almost seens like a right of passage.

Aces are going to take over the world.

This is an ongoing joke because aces have a lot of free time with all the time they spend not thinking about sex. Because of this free time, it gives them time to plot other things like world domination. Or at least taking over Denmark.

Jadey relatability: 1/10

I’m too busy writing blog posts and eating cake to use my brain to take over a country.

Community relatability: 5/10

I know some of y’all out here are plotting your invasion as we speak.

Aces are obsessed with rings.

Arguably, the entire gay community is obsessed with rings, and wearing a lot of rings has quickly become a symbol of queerness. Aces just arrived at this end a bit early with their ace rings.

Jadey relatability: 9/10

I wear rings every day. I love them. They add the perfect gay look to any outfit.

Community relatability: 8/10

Aces pull people.

This is by far my most favorite ace stereotype to date. Why? Because it is so accurate. Every single ace person I know is in a relationship or has been in one. And, if they’re not in one, it’s because they don’t want to be, not because they have no suitors.

As the only ace in my friend group, it was quite hilarious to me that I was the first person to be in a relationship, have my first kiss, the whole deal. Plus, I somehow end up having the most interactions with my crush compared to my allo friends. While my friends are talking about the eye contact they made with their crush, I’m updating them on the conversation we had earlier that day.

Jadey relatability: 10/10

Community relatability: 9/10

Gender…?

Today we’re going to talk about something I rarely write about.

Gender.

Why? you ask. Well, I’ve never written about my own experience with gender for two reasons. The first one is that as a cisgender female, I felt I had little to say about my own experience as a person whose gender identity doesn’t affect the level of homophobia I face. Obviously, as a female, there are definitely issues that come with that due to our patriarchal society, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my experiences as a woman, and the problems I could possibly face, are nowhere near the struggles and oppression my trans or non-binary friends and community face. There is truly no comparison, especially since I am a white cis female.

As for the second reason…I have a very difficult time trying to explain my gender. Not because I’m not cis, but because once I start thinking about it, I end up in a crisis, and suddenly gender and stereotypes and everything around me feel made up and all I can do is sit and stare at the wall thinking about how everything around me is fake.

Now. That’s a bit dramatic. But if you really think about it, there is no way to be a man or a woman. Everything we know about “how” to be a specific gender is merely holding up stereotypes upheld by the patriarchy. And when you strip all of those away and let go of those stereotypes you are left with literally nothing. There is no way to be a certain gender. The only way to experience gender is through feelings. And yes, those stereotypes can help many people feel connected to gender through physical appearance and perception, but that only helps add to the feeling.

For example; if you identified as a male, you could feel really connected to your gender by going to the gym, wearing masculine clothing, or having a short haircut. That’s great. But, even without all of those physical identifiers or actions, you can still identify as a man. Taking away those physical traits, or ones society perceives as masculine, doesn’t take away your identity as a male. I really hope that makes sense.

Anyway, onto my own gender.

Before I dived headfirst into the LGBTQIA+ community, I had never really questioned my gender. I had always been pretty stereotypically feminine. I wore dresses and makeup and painted my nails and had long hair. Once I got to a point of understanding my sexuality and basically going with the flow of “I like who I like,” the same ended up applying to my gender.

“I feel how I feel.”

Yes. I’m a female. I use she/her pronouns. People perceive me as a female because of how my body looks and how I present myself. That’s chill.

The thing is…I don’t really care how people perceive me. I don’t need people to go out of their way to use different pronouns for me. But, if someone referred to me with gender-neutral phrases or feminine ones, I’d just be going on my merry way. Masculine phrases aren’t my favorite, but I don’t have a problem with them, and at the end of the day they’re just words. I know this is not the case for everyone, and words definitely do have an effect, but for me, it’s not the biggest deal with how people perceive my gender. And honestly, if strangers out in the world saw me and referred to me with gender-neutral pronouns because they didn’t know how I identified, I would prefer that, because that is making a more accepting space for those who aren’t cisgender.

Additionally, stereotypically feminine things don’t necessarily make me feel more feminine. I paint my nails and wear makeup because it makes me feel like me. Not because it makes me feel more like a woman, maybe it does subconsciously, but I have never put on a dress and felt more like a woman. Plus, literally anyone of any gender could paint their nails or wear eyeliner and that doesn’t make them female.

I’m just me. I’m just a person living on planet earth going through life. I don’t need labels for how I exist. I’m doing just that. Existing.

Answering The Web’s Most Searched Questions About Asexuality

I thought it would be fun to do a little Q&A on the blog, except I had one problem. I have no one to ask me lots of questions. And, I figured if I just Googled “questions people have about asexuality” I would get a bunch of boring repetitive questions I didn’t want to answer. So, I decided to copy the Genius YouTube channel and pretend I was a super famous celebrity and answer the web’s most searched questions about asexuality. In order to do this all I did was put in prompts to a question into Google and choose some of the suggested responses that came up. So…here we go.

The first prompt: why do asexuals…

Why do asexuals like cake?

One day on the internet years ago a random ace on AVEN said that asexuals like cake more than sex. And they were right. A lot of asexuals (not all) would most definitely prefer to eat cake than have sex. This became a meme of sorts, and people ran with it, and it became a joke, or a stereotype of sorts that aces love cake. It’s true. I love cake.

Why do asexuals wear black rings?

A black ring on the middle finger of your right hand is a symbol of asexuality. From what I’ve found on the web, this started on an AVEN quorum in 2005, where someone asked what a way to suggest asexuality through clothing was, and thus ace rings were born.

(I found the original discussion here).

Why do asexuals like garlic bread?

Same with the cake thing. Aces would rather eat garlic bread than have sex. I believe this is for the aces that don’t like cake. They can have bread instead!

Why do asexuals hate Denmark?

We don’t hate Denmark. Because asexuality is such a small community, lots of aces go online (as I have) to meet other aces and find validation. Similar to the garlic bread/cake thing, this started as a meme. Someone made a meme stating that since approximately 1% (it’s actually more) of the population is ace, that means there are more ace people than the amount of people who live in Denmark…so if we invaded them for some reason it’s likely that we could win. Other aces might tell you that Denmark is full of bread and cake. This might be true, but I’ve never been to Denmark so I can’t fact check that.

The second prompt: can asexuals…

Can asexuals have crushes?

Yes.

I don’t know if this is a me thing, or an ace thing, or a combination of both, but when I have a crush on someone it usually lasts for an embarrassing amount of time. I have never been one of those people to have a new crush every week. I can count the people I’ve liked on one hand. So yes, aces definitely have crushes, just without the sexual attraction bit.

Can asexuality be fixed?

NO. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and it cannot be fixed with conversion therapy. Additionally, asexuality, unlike other sexual orientations, is often medicalized, because people think we can be fixed because there is something wrong with our brain that makes us not want sex. Asexuality is not a disease, or an illness, or something that can be cured. It is simply how people are!

Can asexuals kiss?

Yes. Some asexuals like kissing, some don’t. I fall in that weird in between category where I wouldn’t be comfortable kissing someone on the lips (*sigh* I really wish I did) but I feel comfortable kissing my hypothetical significant other on the cheek or forehead, or possibly other body parts (arm, hand, etc).

The third prompt: what do asexuals…

What do asexuals wear?

I would assume the answer to this would be black rings. But my answer would be super hot and sexy outfits usually in the color scheme of the ace flag.

The fourth prompt: does asexuality…

Does asexuality exist in humans?

Yes. Duh.

Does asexuality run in families?

No. Just like any other sexuality or gender identity, queerness is not genetic. It’s just how people are.

Does asexuality come from trauma?

Sometimes, it is possible that someone can identify as asexual due to some sort of trauma that has caused them to no longer want sexual interaction or experience sexual attraction. However, this is usually not the case, and it is unfortunately a pretty common assumption that asexuality is something wrong with you, or caused by something, when in reality it is just the way some people are.

Oh the internet. How silly you are. If you took anything away from this post I hope it was that asexuality is just how people are, and it is not caused by something. Also, asexuals are hot and sexy and slay.

How I Became Confident in Myself, My Sexuality, and Being Unlabeled

One day a few years ago I decided that I wanted to get over one of my biggest insecurities. Like most people, especially teenage girls, I was insecure about how my stomach looked. It is honestly a bit strange to say your insecurities out loud, and it feels incredibly vulnerable, even though I know for a fact that each and every one of my friends, and probably everyone in my life could agree that their body, especially their stomach, is a big insecurity. This is also quite silly because in middle school and high school, and honestly now, I was/am a very petite person. Although I have grown and gotten lots of gains from CrossFit, I stand at a whole five feet two inches. There was nothing big about me; especially my stomach, yet I thought there was. So, I decided I was going to change my negative self-talk into positive self-talk, and spend all of that negative energy on something positive, which was complimenting myself and my appearance. Without even realizing it, that change snowballed into so many parts of my life, and I can now confidently say (oh wow look a pun) that I am a confident and self-assured person. In a way, it is that simple, but it’s also incredibly hard to suddenly change your thoughts, and it doesn’t happen overnight. So, as I usually do, I decided to make a list and tell you all how I found confidence in myself, my sexuality, and additionally, not labeling my sexuality.

Positive Self Talk (you’re hot and sexy)

One day I started joking that I was perfect. Did I steal this joke from the love of my life, Conan Gray? Why yes, of course I did. I thought it was funny, and eventually I began expanding that joke, and adding more positive adjectives after calling myself perfect (sarcastically of course).

Here’s an example:

“Wow Jadey, your blog is so funny”

“Thank you so much I actually won a Nobel Prize for how funny and amazing it is.”

Is this a joke? Yes. Do I actually think I’m hot and sexy and am amazing at everything? Well…yes. I made this joke so many times that it became true. Now, am I actually perfect? No. Because perfection doesn’t exist. But perfect people don’t go around saying they’re not actually perfect. They go around knowing they’re good at everything and can do whatever they put their mind to. And if they make a mistake, or they aren’t good at something right away, it’s okay because they’ll get better and they’re great at everything else.

For example, I have a list of things I am not perfect at (to stay humble, obviously). And on that list is one single item. That one item is wrapping presents. I am not good at wrapping presents. The paper always folds weird and I cut the wrong size and the sides aren’t smooth and it looks bad. But all I do is simply remind myself that I’m an amazing writer and am a super funny and kind and amazing person who slays everyday so I don’t have to be perfect at wrapping presents. Plus, the more presents I wrap, the better I get, and one day I will be the best present wrapper to ever exist.

Now, thinking I’m perfect is completely different than thinking I’m better than everyone else. I’m not. There are people out there who are better writers than me. There are people who are smarter than me. And even though it’s hard to believe, there are people (maybe just one or two) who are funnier than me. That’s just a fact of life. There’s people who are better than you at things and that’s okay.

Fake it Till You Make it

To summarize basically everything I just said in the above point, you have to fake it until you make it. I know. This is what everyone says, and they’re right. All you have to do is fake confidence until you have it. It does not matter what anyone thinks about you. It doesn’t affect you. What you’re wearing, what you’re saying, what you’re doing. It doesn’t affect anyone else besides yourself. So, do whatever you want.

Act The Cool Person Part

You know when you see someone, and they’re just cool? If this scenario involved me, I would probably think this when I saw someone with a cool sense of style. Dyed hair or a cool haircut. Facial piercings or an edgy tattoo. And I think to myself, they look so cool. All you have to do is tell yourself you are. For example, everything I do is cool:

I have a blog. That is so cool and creative of me.

I have a YouTube channel. That is so artsy film girly of me.

I do CrossFit and Olympic weight lifting. How many teens do that? Not a lot. That is so strong and unique and slay of me.

I have dyed hair and my helix pierced and listen to Conan Gray. That’s cool.

I’m asexual and queer. How many people get to experience life and attraction like me? Not a lot. That is so cool!!!

If you tell yourself that you and your abilities and your unique aspects are cool, you’ll eventually believe it and won’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

Romanticize Being Gay

I said I would talk about how I am so confident in my sexuality as well my personal self. I think we got the latter out of the way. I know how hard it can be to be queer. To want the “easy” life everyone else has. To not have to face rejection and homophobia. It’s not easy being in this community. However, it really helps to focus on the good parts. Or, make a blog. Writing about my life and sharing it with others has allowed me to reflect on everything I love about being queer. Finding an outlet, whether that’s a blog, YouTube channel, or just a friend, can be super beneficial to express all of the positives in your life.

The key thing to do is romanticize being gay. I LOVE being gay. It is so amazing that I get to experience life differently from a majority of people. I am so in tune with my feelings and sexuality in a way other people are not. I get to form bonds with other queer people, specifically other ace queer people, just by existing. I feel this way and it puts me in a spot to just get other ace people. We have an undeniable connection that heterosexuals don’t get. Plus, it would be so boring to be straight. Everything is straight. It is so boring and basic. It is so fun to talk about being gay. To listen to gay music. To read gay books. To “look” gay.

Plus, one day I get to have a cute little gay life and marry a pretty person and live in a cottage and write novels and live happily ever after.

I know it can be difficult for people to not label their sexuality and feel “queer enough.” To that I say, there is no correct way to be queer. If you’re not cis or straight or allo, or any combination of those, you are queer if that is a label you like. You get to choose how you identify and no one can take that away from you. I find so much comfort in being unlabeled. It makes me feel like the most accurate version of myself when I don’t put words on my romantic orientation. And as for my asexuality, I have always found it a quite charming and unique part of myself that I choose to love. Plus, it’s super fun to make sex jokes for the added irony. They never get old.

Don’t Let Others Have a Say

I spent almost two years reflecting on and thinking about my sexuality. When I finally came out, I knew what my sexuality was, because I had lived with it for two years, and kept it to myself. I had practically no one else (besides my editor) to talk about my queerness with. Because of that, I was able to form my own opinions and truly understand my feelings, so when it came to other people’s negative opinions, I had absolutely zero time for that.

Here’s an example:

Random person: “Ew Jadey asexuality is weird.”

Jadey: “That’s aphobic and I’m not having this conversation right now.”

Now, you don’t have to be that blunt about it. You could have a conversation with someone and tell them why what they said might not be okay. Or yes, I do feel this way, and no, it’s not a phase. But remember folks. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality or gender or the way you feel. Your feelings are valid and they are yours. No one can take that away from you.

If someone has a problem with you, that is on them. It has nothing to do with you. It’s your world. At the end of the day, the most important person in my life is me. If I’m not happy, if I’m not healthy and content, then that is something that needs to be fixed. I am living the one life I have, and I better make myself, the one body and mind I have, the priority.

Remember Life’s Not Perfect (unless you’re me)

I know this is easier said than done. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide that I was perfect and pretty and so so smart and funny. Some days I wake up and think I look bad or my outfit isn’t cute or my sexuality isn’t clear. That’s okay. Some days you wake up and have an off day. The next hour, or day, or even week will be better. Life always moves on, and that gives you an opportunity to have a better time. Obviously I’m only guessing, because that never happens to me because I’m perfect, but I’m sure you can work through it and come out on the other side.

And if you are having a bad day, or you don’t feel confident, all you have to do is read my blog and listen to Number One Fan by MUNA and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better.

Oh Look…I Changed My Labels

I’ll be honest. I wasn’t going to write a blog post this week. During the week when I usually spend my time writing was instead filled with my new hobby; crocheting. About a month ago I decided I needed to learn how to crochet. So I did. And I became addicted. And instead of posting on the blog on Sunday as I usually do, I was going to spend it grinding out math homework so I don’t fail my math test on Monday. But, when I mentioned that to my friends, they were up in arms, so I have to upload for my biggest fans. I’m still going to spend Sunday studying, but I ended up with some time at this very moment and figured I could update you all on my sexuality. I know, you’re dying to know.

A very long, long time ago (four months) I wrote about how I was queer and asexual. After that, I wrote a post about how I felt that my romantic orientation was on the aromantic spectrum. Well, things have changed.

I do still identify as ace. However, my post from a few weeks ago, “Exposing My Journal Entries From My Sexuality Crisis,” got me thinking. And by thinking, I mean I remembered how I really enjoyed not labeling my sexuality. So uh, that’s that. I decided I no longer want to explicitly label my romantic orientation as queer, as I had been doing. I still love using queer and gay as umbrella terms. I call myself gay and make jokes using the word gay literally everyday. So, I have love for those terms. However, I feel a lot of…comfort…I guess I could call it, in not labeling my romantic orientation.

Also, I am not on the aromantic spectrum. At first, I labeled my romantic orientation as alterous; an orientation where one feels platonic and romantic feelings. I no longer feel that way. I’m very certain I’m alloromantic. *sarcastically celebrates*

I can’t really elaborate on how I figured this out. It’s really just one of those things I feel confident in.

Also…I don’t like men. Besides Conan Gray, obviously. That might make you say, “Jadey, that sounds like you’re a lesbian then.” And to that I would say, “No.” Now, I have seen a lot of internet discourse from queer people discussing how compulsory heteronormativity, the patriarchy, internalized/external homophobia, and the fetishization of lesbians, specifically in porn, has made it extremely difficult for many people to accept the fact that they are lesbian, and that is a term that applies to them. I know I do not have to defend my sexuality, and the labels I choose to use or not use, but I did want to discuss this. Trust me, I’ve thought about this label numerous times. And like every label I’ve tried on in order to name my romantic orientation, it never fit just right. Using the label lesbian feels too restrictive to me. I feel like that suggests I only like women, when in reality I would date anyone who wasn’t a man. Women. Non-binary people. Gender-fluid people. People with no labels on their gender. It doesn’t really matter to me how someone identifies. I’m just not that into masculinity.

This wasn’t the biggest update. And it honestly did not take a lot of mulling over. In fact, most of my thoughts about this were done while writing this post, and this has maybe taken half an hour. As I’ve said before, labels are tools, not restrictions. Labels are magnets, not stickers, they’re not permanent. If one doesn’t fit, you can remove it from your hypothetical gay fridge. And if you find a really cool one you like, like one with a frog sitting on a mushroom or Conan Gray, you could add it to your collection. Alright, I’m off to crochet.

An Ace’s Thoughts on Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Non Monogamy

Today we’re discussing something I’ve had on my mind recently….open relationships. Not necessarily for myself, but for my potential future partner. As a single college gal, I am now in the dating scene. And by dating scene I mean I can have slightly romantic crushes on people I barely know and never talk to. It’s fun to have crushes. It’s fun to imagine my future partner. It’s fun to think flirting is liking someone’s story on Instagram. Well, fun…pathetic…pish posh.

Before I discuss my own thoughts on these three subjects, I thought I would give definitions, and we could have some reflection on prejudices, stereotypes, and internal bias.

Polyamory: the practice or desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one partner at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved.

Open Relationship: an arrangement where someone has one or more sexual or romantic partners at a time.

(From my understanding, this differs from polyamory because you could have as many partners as you want, and be free to take new partners whenever you please. This is typically a sexual relationship, not romantic).

Non-monogamy: (ethical non monogamy) refers to a relationship where partners agree to have other partners and are fully aware and agree to those partners.

Now…I often feel that people are quick to judge those not in typical monogamous relationships. Let’s do some internal reflection, hm? Did you automatically think that this was weird? Gross? Wrong? How about we instead open our minds to the idea of diversity in relationships, and celebrate differences, rather than judge people for their differences.

Okay. That’s enough of that. Time to bring this post back to everyone’s favorite topic; me.

Polyamory: as far as I am aware I am not interested in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously my sexuality is up for changes, but at this point in time I think I would be happy having one partner and my partner not having any other romantic partners. I want to be that one person for my partner who they confide in, live with, and possibly get married to.

Open relationships: here is where I have some comments. For myself, I am very much not interested in an open relationship…what would I do? I don’t want to have sex with people. I don’t see myself in multiple romantic relationships. This doesn’t apply to me. However, it could apply to my future partner. Just because I’m ace doesn’t necessarily mean my future partner will be. Although it would be nice to have an ace partner, the universe might throw the perfect person in my life and they could be allosexual. And, I figured it would be very unlikely for an allo person to be completely happy with a totally nonsexual relationship. No sex. No kissing. No funny business. So, if my hypothetical perfect person was interested in sex, that would then bring up an ~open relationship~

If my future partner wants to have sex…they can. Obviously this would be a very long discussion, but in general I don’t have a problem with my partner having sex with other people. As long as they’re in a committed relationship with me, they can have a sexual relationship too. This obviously isn’t something I’m in love with, as I would prefer that my partner could be fully happy and satisfied in a relationship with yours truly, but for some strange reason people want sex and I guess I can’t stop them.

And to touch on non-monogamy, well, I said I’d be fine with an open relationship so if my partner has a sexual relationship, that’s fine. I personally don’t feel the need to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I know I would be happy in a monogamous relationship.

Okay. That’s all this ace has to say on that. I do find it interesting how many people, specifically straight, cis, monogamous, allo people are usually the ones a bit quicker to judge non-monogamous relationships, and I think my own experience in the queer community has definitely opened my eyes to the joy people find in different types of relationships; plus the importance of clear and confident communication in a nontypical relationship.

Rating All The Gay Books I Read in 2022

At the beginning of 2022 I made two lists in my notes app: “Books I Read This Year” and “2SLGBTQIA+ Books I’ve Read.” I decided it was only necessary that I review the gay books and give each of them a rating out of ten. Note: these are not ranked in any order of favorites, they’re in the order I read them (I am way too indecisive for that).

Boyfriend Material – Alexis Hall

8.5/10

This book was the classic fake dating to real dating trope, which honestly, can be very overdone and cringe. However, this was not the case. To be completely honest, when I first tried to read this book I put it down, read some other books, before I eventually picked it back up to restart it. The author is from the UK and the big vocabulary plus the British terms threw me off, but once I kept reading I realized how wrong I was for putting it down. It was super entertaining and funny. It definitely made you wait for the sappy gay love story because you were busy being annoyed at the protagonist. A sequel was recently released, and it’s currently sitting on my shelf waiting to be read.

What If It’s Us – Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

8/10

A very cute wholesome gay book. You know they’re gonna be happy and the universe will bring them together. It’s one of those stories that’s an easy read and you feel happy reading it. I’m currently reading the sequel.

Melissa (first published as George) – Alex Gino

7/10

I wanted to read this because it was on a list of banned books. Thanks transphobes. It was a cute coming of age story about a trans girl at a middle school appropriate reading level. A cute, wholesome read. I do wish the ending was a bit longer, and we got to see more of Melissa being her true self.

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex – Angela Chen

10/10

This book was so interesting. Even as a pretty educated ace person myself, I learned lots by reading this and felt incredibly validated. If you’re interested in learning more about asexuality then this is the book for you! Also I think it would be really interesting for allos to read to understand the complexity of attraction and begin to understand more about one’s own attraction in a more in depth way.

The Upside of Unrequited – Becky Albertalli

7/10

Honestly, I was expecting more from Becky. I really liked Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and was expecting another great book, but this one was just good. I did enjoy the ending where our main character finally gets the person she’s after, but I definitely had to wait a while to get there.

I Wish You All The Best – Mason Deaver

7.5/10

I don’t remember loving this one, but it was definitely good! There was great non-binary and queer representation, but it is really sad, which is something I usually don’t dip my toes into because I don’t need that kind of brutal homophobic sadness in my life. However that is very real and prevalent, so this book illustrated the reality of coming out and not having a supportive family.

She Drives Me Crazy – Kelly Quindlen

6/10

BookTok recommended this and they disappointed me.

The writing was really juvenile, which is something I am very quick to judge because it really irritates me. I throw that word around a lot with novels I read because I find it incredibly annoying. Sometimes I’m left thinking “They just let anybody publish a book nowadays, huh?” This book wasn’t bad, it just hyped up a lot so I was expecting great things and got disappointed.

Kate In Waiting – Becky Albertalli

6/10

Another one I wanted to be a lot better. This was about our straight main character and her gay best friend crushing on the same guy. Maybe our straight main character threw me off…once again…expecting more from Becky.

Loveless – Alice Oseman

10/10

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS EVER. I WANT TO RE-READ IT IMMEDIATELY. THE AROACE REP IS UNMATCHED. SO MUCH QUEER AND ACE REP!!!

she is the poem – june bates

8.5/10

A super cute poetry book about the queer experience and sapphic love. Some of the poems made me cry which is very rare for my reading experience. These poems really just hit a spot of sensitivity and relatability in my little gay heart.

I Kissed Shara Wheeler – Casey McQuiston

7/10

I adore Casey McQuiston books but this one was my least favorite of their books I’ve read. In 2021 I read Red, White & Royal Blue and loved it. It was super witty and romantic, but this one wasn’t giving everything I wanted it to give.

Heartstopper – Alice Oseman

10/10

SO CUTE AND WHOLESOME. This was the only graphic novel I read this year and I fell so in love with Nick and Charlie. Plus it got turned into a TV show that I am OBSESSED with and have re-watched many, many times.

The Song of Achilles – Madeline Miller

9/10

Beautiful. So well written. I adored this take on Greek mythology. Super unique plot. I honestly don’t have a lot to say because the plot and the writing speaks for itself. One of the best, if not the best written book I read last year.

Fan Art – Sarah Tregay

5/10 (and that’s just me rating the story, not accounting for the problematic bits)

I needed a gay book to read and got this one for $3 at a local bookstore. This did the trick but was nothing to write home about. There were a few lines that were incredibly cliche, plus I never loved the main character. He was a bit of a push-over and I thought it seemed like a gay book written by a straight person, although I don’t know the author’s sexuality. It was cute, and I was entertained for what it was: a coming of age/falling in love with your best friend novel. I don’t know if this was the author’s first book…but it definitely seemed like it was…

People on GoodReads however had very different opinions and hated this book. I didn’t really pick up on the fetishazation/biphobia some people mentioned during my first read, but now looking back the main character was worried that his best friend was straight and not gay, which completely left out many other sexualities. There are more than two sexualities!! I will say again, it really seems like it was written by a straight person, and straight people should never try to write about the queer experience!!

Exposing My Journal Entries From My Sexuality Crisis

At the end of 2020 when my sexuality crisis started, I did what any person trying to salvage their emotional state does; I began journaling.

Side note, I still journal to this day if I’m overthinking or need to rant. My blog has kind of turned into my journal, and I can confidently say writing about events in my life has brought me a lot of peace and happiness.

Now that I’m back from college for winter break, I have access to the very journal I wrote in, and decided to make a very entertaining blog post by going through it and writing my thoughts about that time. Instead of laughing at myself (although I will be doing a little of that) I decided it would be much more beneficial to give advice that I could have used during that time, and possibly provide advice for anyone else having a sexuality crisis as I did.

I will start by saying that if you are questioning a label or your sexuality for quite some time, it’s probably because that is your label. Straight cisgender people don’t spend every waking hour questioning if they’re trans or aromantic or bisexual. If a label is swimming around in your mind, it’s probably who you are. Not always, but oftentimes that is the case.

Okay, onto the journal. The first entry was from December 9th 2020. Out of the many bullet points I wrote (lots of which you can find here) the one that sticks out to me is “I would be okay if someone assumed I wasn’t straight.”

For all of the statements you’re going to read and wonder how I had these thoughts and still thought I was straight, I will admit that in the very very back depths of my mind during this time I did know that I was probably queer, it just wasn’t something I was fully admitting to myself.

The next day I wrote about the release of Evermore followed by a statement that said “I wouldn’t be too mad if I liked girls. I mean, having a pretty girlfriend would be cool. But am I ACTUALLY ATTRACTED to women?!”

Unfortunately for me I wasn’t aware of asexuality yet, and was definitely struggling to confirm if I was attracted to women when I was unaware I was not sexually attracted to anyone.

In a full circle moment I also wrote “One day I’ll look back on this when everything is figured out. Today is not that day.” Two years later, it’s very comforting to know how confident I am in my sexuality. I’m sure Past Jadey would be very happy and proud of Future/Present Jadey. I also wrote about how I wished I knew about the LGBTQIA+ community when I was younger. At the ripe old age of 17, I felt that I was late in the game to knowing my sexuality. This is obviously not the case. I was, and still am, quite young. I have a lot of things figured out about myself that others older than me don’t, yet I also have so much more to learn. It is unfortunate that many queer people, especially youth, have to figure out all of this information by themselves. Thankfully social media has become a very easy way to learn about the community and has normalized our existence even more.

December 25th 2020:

I thought I could be bi with a strong preference for men. Ironically, right after I said that, I stated that having a crush on a girl would feel “Warm. Fuzzy. Sweet. Dare I say right?”

I truly laughed out loud reading that.

Dare I say right?!? That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard!!!

January 21st 2021:

“I have a crush on a girl lmao.”

It’s the casual “lmao” for me. The lowercase letters. The laughing at my situation.

Wow. Look at me finally admitting things to myself. My first girl crush. A big deal. Looking back, the person I had a crush on is pretty cool, so I’m not surprised I pined over her for a while. Sometimes you look back on the crush you had and want to projectile vomit all over the floor. I’m happy to say that is not the case, and honestly makes me enjoy looking back on this because there’s nothing mortifying I have to face.

February 15th 2021:

I “feel very comfortable/happy with being unlabeled.” Honestly I still have a lot of love for calling my sexuality unlabeled. It was, in a sense, a label I used for a long time and found a lot of comfort in.

September 22nd 2021:

I am “still unlabeled and very gay.”

December 2022 Jadey agrees that even now that is a very accurate statement. My preference for men was definitely deteriorating at this time.

My entries became a lot less frequent as I began to figure out my sexuality.

The last update was April 12th 2022:

I started identifying as asexual and still have my romantic attraction unlabeled.

As of now, December 2022, I identify as asexual and queer. I feel incredibly confident in my asexuality, and mostly confident in my romantic attraction. I know who I like and who I don’t like, yet I’ve never found a label that fully fits my feelings. I use queer in a loose term to voice the fluidity and complexity of my romantic attraction. However, going through this journal has really reminded me how I enjoy not labeling my romantic attraction. I think queer sounds cool. I think unlabeled sounds cool. Maybe I’ll use both. Who knows.

It was quite an adventure to look back on this, and I’m sure I will continue to read through it from time to time if I’m ever in need of some lighthearted entertainment.

Since this post is going up on Christmas, I thought I should take this opportunity to acknowledge the love and acceptance I receive as a queer person, and to verbalize how incredibly thankful I am that I get to be so visibly out. Unfortunately, this is a difficult time for my community, and my heart goes out to them. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, and if you want to get me a present, you can keep it very small and share my blog with your one hundred closest friends.