I went to the kink club! And it was really awesome. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I’ve been educating myself on the kink community. I just finished writing my undergrad thesis: a poetry collection on the taboo, so I obviously had to do my kink research to include this subject matter in my poems. Besides that, I’m just overall interested in non-normative expressions of sexuality and love learning about it. And in a lot of books and podcasts I’ve read about kink, kink clubs and play parties have been mentioned. And this, to me, seems like the pinnacle of kinky experiences. If I want to witness and experience kink, I better get myself down to the kink club.

But, how does one do this? I have a friend who frequents a kink club and talked highly of the place. Once I decided I wanted to go, I reached out to her and asked questions: What’s the cost to get in? What’s the range of activities going on? What’s the overall atmosphere like? And after looking at the website and talking to some friends who I thought would be down to go with me, I added my plans to the calendar and waited for the day to arrive. 

And while I can’t speak for all clubs, the one I went to was basically just a bar with a lot of seating and the following things to do: get a drink and hang out, go on the dance floor, watch others (from a respectful distance) participate in kinky activities, or do the kinky activities yourself. The club I was at had a prom orgy theme the night I went. So you were required to dress up, or pay a pretty expensive entrance fee if you weren’t in prom/nice attire.

The rules of a kink/sex club really aren’t that different from being in a normal bar or social setting. Be nice to other people. Ask for consent. Wipe down furniture after you use it. Don’t get all up in people’s business. Don’t touch toys and personal belongings that aren’t yours. Don’t stare at someone super close and weird. Basically, be a considerate human being. 

In the back of this club there were two beds near a spanking bench and a St. Andrew’s Cross (this is where I spent the first half of the evening watching activities unfold). The club required you to put towels down where you were sitting if you were going to be doing any activities to alert others and keep everything clean. Everyone was very respectful, there were cleaning supplies to wipe down equipment, there were gender neutral bathrooms, and private rooms for those who didn’t want to be watched. 

I’ve read a couple books and listened to some podcast and watched some YouTube videos on kink, so if you’re interested in learning more I’ll put my faves below:

1. Why Are People Into That?: A Cultural Investigation of Kink by Tina Horn 

This is a nonfiction book written by a former dominatrix, discussing different kinks, why people have them, and a cultural and psychological analysis of them. 

2. Sleeping Around Podcast by Alayna Joy

Specifically the episodes “What is Kink? Understanding BDSM with Stefani Goerlich” and “The Ultimate Guide to Kink with Tina Horn”

YouTube: What is Kink? Understanding BDSM with Stefani Goerlich

Spotify: What is Kink? Understanding BDSM with Stefani Goerlich

YouTube: The Ultimate Guide to Kink with Tina Horn

Spotify: The Ultimate Guide to Kink with Tina Horn

3. The Queer Collective Podcast

Specifically the episodes “Why the Church Makes People Kinky,” “Stone Top and Pillow Princess: The Lesbian Sex Dynamic People Don’t Understand,” “How to Hook Up With Your Friends,” “Intro to BDSM: Creating a Dom Persona ft. Yaz,” and “The Psychology of Kink ft. Pat” 

Youtube: Why the Church Makes People Kinky

Spotify: Why the Church Makes People Kinky

Youtube: Stone Top and Pillow Princess: The Lesbian Sex Dynamic People Don’t Understand

Spotify: Stone Top and Pillow Princess: The Lesbian Sex Dynamic People Don’t Understand

Youtube: How to Hook Up With Your Friends

Spotify: How to Hook Up With Your Friends

Youtube: Intro to BDSM: Creating a Dom Persona ft. Yaz

Spotify: Intro to BDSM: Creating a Dom Persona ft. Yaz

Youtube: The Psychology of Kink ft. Pat

Spotify: The Psychology of Kink ft. Pat

4. Kink: stories by R.O Kwon

This is a collection of short stories by different authors all surrounding kink and/or queerness. 

5. Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams 

I briefly skimmed over this book and it was a good introduction on etiquette, terminology,  and rules in kinky spaces as well as where to start finding kinky spaces to be a part of. 

I ended up going to the kink club with my partner and a bunch of my friends. If you’re not spending your Saturday night with your friends at the sex club, what are you even doing? It was really cool to see a world I’ve only read/heard about in real life. Plus, I saw these two leather daddies in their harnesses and it was just like the movie Pillion. 

So here’s some of my takeaways from the night. 

1. It was fun to people watch! 

One of the best things to do in life is people watch. And it’s even better when there’s a wide variety of people. There were people of all ages and genders at the kink club. There were lots of different cool outfits and activities going on. My partner and I ended up being there for about two hours, and honestly, we could have stayed longer. It was just getting late and we wanted to go check out the strip club before we went home. 

2. It made me happy, and sad, to be in such a sexually open environment.

Because I’m asexual, and in the eyes of society, that’s weird, I feel connected to a lot of non-normative groups. I resonate with furries. I resonate with kinky people. I resonate with people who have a lot of sex. People who like to collect weird things. People who don’t “fit in.” So, the kink club made me really happy to be in a space where people could express themselves freely and it felt like a really safe, welcoming environment. It made me feel like I could express my queerness and my asexuality and learn about kink and sex all at the same time. The overlap of my identities didn’t seem like an oxymoron, it seemed celebrated and understood. 

However, it also made me sad. Because even though we were in this space where people could express themselves, we had to be confined behind closed doors. In my ideal queer utopia, people would be able to express themselves wherever and not have to feel shame and hide parts of their identity. 

3. My voyeurism suspicions are getting confirmed.

Turns out I low key do like to watch people have sex. But not necessarily because it’s super arousing, because honestly I thought the kink club would be more arousing than it actually was. I just have a fascinating time watching people express their sexuality in new ways. It’s so interesting to see different toys and tools and furniture and outfits. Plus, this is a fun thing to do with my partner to feel close to them. 

4. Why is everyone such a freak about sex when it’s so normal? 

Similarly to the voyeurism experience I wrote about a few blog posts ago, I was sitting at the kink club watching this person bent over a spanking bench getting hit with various paddles, and my partner and I looked at each other and agreed that this was a very normal thing to do. Why it’s so taboo and abnormal is beyond me. (I actually totally know why but now’s not the time to get into what is the “right” way to express sexuality is under a patriarchal, white supremacist, able-bodied, capitalist society.) Really it just seemed like people were participating in a hobby. It was basically a big hang out sesh. 

My partner and I have already made plans to go back, plus, the other day I thrifted a Victoria’s Secret leather dress for $10 and if that’s not the perfect outfit for the kink club I don’t know what is. 

• Kink