Last week something crazy happened. Someone infiltrated my brain and switched the settings. Everything I thought I knew was turned upside down. Crazy thoughts were swimming around my brain. 

“Jadey. You’re so dramatic. What on earth are you talking about?”

Well dear reader, what happened was this: a boy. 

*a collective gasp shudders across the room*

You’re sure you read that wrong. But alas, it’s not what you think…not entirely. Let me give you some background on my current situation.

As everyone knows, I am asexual but I don’t label my romantic orientation. I use the term queer or gay in a broad sense, but never have found a label that fits perfectly. Recently I’ve been questioning if I’m a lesbian. Maybe this is the label that works for me. I don’t experience attraction to men, so theoretically, shouldn’t that make me a lesbian? And there’s something about this term that feels right, but also wrong. There are parts of the lesbian experience I relate to. Calling myself an asexual lesbian fits better than just saying lesbian, but the term still isn’t quite right. Maybe this is internalized homophobia. Maybe I’m just dealing with some weird version of compulsory heterosexuality and I’ll come around to the label eventually. Maybe I won’t and I’ll find labels were never meant for me in the first place. 

As I was going through this period of reflection on my sexuality I ended up befriending a boy. Shockingly, I had a very pleasant time interacting with him. He’s very kind and smart and we have similar interests. We’ve had classes together and we’ve hung out in real life. Overall it’s been a good time and he’s just a nice young lad. I found myself in what I called “platonic infatuation.” As our friendship grew it was something I thought about. I was very fascinated by it. And that got me thinking. Oh my god. Do I have a crush on him? 

I considered the possibility that my feelings had turned romantic. I was flabbergasted! Everything I thought I knew about myself was turned upside down! For years I had been going around thinking, and telling everyone, that I didn’t like men! What did this make of my sexuality?! Maybe this was a sign that I’ve been right all along about not labeling my sexuality because here I was suddenly attracted to every gender! Before I knew this boy I even thought to myself “If I were straight I would date him.” Was this projecting? Was this an unconscious crush? I thought to myself, “I’m almost 21! After four years now is when I’m going to question my sexuality? Shouldn’t I know it by now?” And of course, all of this had to happen right when I really put some thought into deciding is lesbian was a term I wanted to use.

I (figuratively) sat myself down and thought about this for approximately two seconds. Some parts of dating a boy seem nice. Some if it seems gentle. A boy holding a door open. Paying for dinner and walking me home. But it all seems casual. Sure, I could have a boyfriend, but certainly I couldn’t marry a man! I could maybe like a boy if he was just exceptionally cute and charming and even funnier than me. Basically, I could date a man if he was fictional. That is very gay. I need to date someone who understands the queer experience. There’s something political in being in an obviously queer relationship and I want to be a part of that. And let’s be real. Me? Dating a man? That is so off brand for me. Imagine if my next blog post  was me saying I had a boyfriend. In 2024? Come on…

Turns out, I’ve just never really made friends with a boy before and I think I took this new experience and blew it out of proportion. 

Of course if I did actually have romantic feelings for this boy that would be okay. It would be cool to have a new experience. My sexuality would simply be more fluid than I thought. It wouldn’t make me any less queer. If anything, it would let me into a world where I could connect to women and femininity in a way I feel I currently can’t as a queer asexual person. 

Anyway, all of that is to say I once again confused platonic feelings for romantic ones. I don’t have a crush on this boy. I probably will never have a crush on a boy and I will definitely not marry one. For a brief moment I was questioning that there was even an ounce of heterosexuality in my body. It was fun while it lasted. The lesbian allegations are back on the table. 

Now I’m going to post this even though there’s a chance he could read it, but when has that ever stopped me before? In fact, it almost seems necessary recently for me to write blog posts about people in my life. Only time will tell what I write about next. 

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