I decided I needed to write an explicitly ace post because I haven’t done one in a while. This post might be really familiar if you’ve read “How I Knew I Was Asexual and Queer.” However, that blog post also discusses how I realized I was in fact, not straight and liked women, so I decided to make a post on how I knew I was asexual without all the other complicated parts. 

The following is a list of things that made me realize I was asexual. Some things seem to be common amongst the ace community, and some seem to just be a me thing. Take these with a grain of salt. 

1. Literally what is sexual attraction?

The biggest thing that made me realize I was asexual was that I had no idea what the heck sexual attraction was. And, as I quickly found out with many Google searches, no one thinks to write about it because you’re just supposed to know. Google would always tell me that it was a feeling to desire sexual contact with someone else. From my understanding (allos correct me here) that is true. However…THAT MAKES NO SENSE. How am I supposed to know if I feel that? Unfortunately there is no guide or chart to tell you if you feel sexual attraction, and I came to the conclusion that I do not want to have sex with people and have never felt a desire to…so I must be ace. 

Somewhat relevant note here: I was around 17 when I started questioning this, so if you’re any younger I wouldn’t overthink anything, but obviously if that is a label you feel comfortable with, use it! There is no age limit on when you can label your sexuality and no one knows how you feel more than you do. 

2. I kept coming back to the label asexual.

From my experience, if a label is swimming around in our brain for a long time, it may be the right one for you. For probably at least six months I questioned if I was ace…and everything I kept wondering and feeling was basically confirmation that I was …so I came out. And let me tell you, I was more nervous to come out as ace than I was to say I like girls. There was something so scary about coming out as ace because I was so afraid I would be wrong and put myself into a community where I don’t belong. (This was a fear because the ace community is so misunderstood and even smaller than the amount of people who like the same gender as them). Obviously, I truly belong. And even if I didn’t and no longer identified an ace later, that would be okay. I could just no longer use that label. 

Additionally, once I came out as asexual I realized that I found even more comfort in others knowing that about me, and everything about myself that felt different from what others felt was validated. 

3. Sex is gross!

This one’s self explanatory. I don’t want to touch someone else. I don’t want someone to touch me sexually. That would be…say it with me now…gross!

I call myself a sex-averse asexual (meaning I don’t have any desire to have sex or have positive feelings about doing it) but I think if I were to involve myself into a sexual situation I would be sex-repulsed (meaning I literally find it disgusting). 

4. If I had sex it would be way off in the future. 

I would always be so shocked when I realized that my high school peers were genuinely sexually active. Not only was I not in a relationship for most of high school, I always thought I would have sex later in life. Now as a college student I can confidently say that I am at that age where people have sex and I want none of it. 

5. If I had sex it would be boring.

If for some reason I had sex I would not be the giver or do anything that isn’t so basic and vanilla. Probably because I don’t want to have sex at all! 

6. I’ve never had a lot of crushes.

I have had five whole crushes in my lifetime. And three of them were boys and I no longer experience attraction to men. My friends seem to have a new crush every week. I have not found anyone on my college campus who I have any desire to date. 

Maybe that’s because I’ve convinced myself that my tiny liberal arts college can’t possibly hold the love of my life/future person I’m going to marry. But more realistically I think it’s just an ace thing and I am somewhat realistic with my crushes, so if they’re in a relationship or likely allosexual my brain takes that option off of the table. 

7. I never wanted to do anything sexual with my past crushes. 

You’re telling me…people want to have sex with their crushes. They want to perform sexual activities. They want to make out with their crush. They want to kiss them on the lips?!

Absolutely not. 

Never in my life has a thought about being sexual with a crush crossed my mind. 

All I want to do with my crushes is get to know them and then hold their hand..because that’s cute. And not gross. 

8. Labels with “sex” in them felt off.

When it came to labeling my sexuality as a whole, labels with “sexual” in them (such as bisexual or pansexual) felt wrong because they implied that I was experiencing sexual attraction to multiple genders. Although I have always felt a connection to the label panromantic, (for the implication that I like people and not necessarily parts) it is probably just because it has to do more with my asexuality and my fluid romantic orientation rather than the fact that I am attracted to every gender. 

9. People have sexual fantasies.

People have sexual fantasies that they actually want to do in real life. Not only am I not having sexual fantasies but…well, there is no but. 

10. What the heck is feeling horny?

Literally what does being horny mean. When do you feel horny? How often do you feel horny? Why is it called horny? Am I a car with a horn? (Sorry bad ace joke). 

11. “You’ll start having new feelings as your body begins to change…”

I never understood what people meant when they said you’ll start looking at boys or girls differently when you reach puberty/middle school age. What do you mean I will? Sure I’ll have a little crush but that’s it. Turns out I was just a naive asexual and it turns out that is when people start to feel sexual attraction and start having those thoughts and feelings for the first time. 

Also…people had crushes in middle school. (I had a singular crush in my three years of middle school). 

People had crushes in elementary school?! I refuse to believe that. And by refuse I mean I just don’t understand and can not comprehend my eight year old self having a crush on little Timmy. 

Wow. What am I but a confused ace? Thankfully my time being an out asexual has allowed me to understand some of these a bit better…or simply ignore them.

If you are also a confused ace (or possible ace) I hope this was somewhat helpful and not just a chaotic word vomit of everything that puzzles my little queer brain.  

I think I’m going to listen to some Leith Ross now. 

• Asexuality