Today’s blog post is going to be a combination of many things that have been on my mind lately, as well as some reflecting I’ve done about the break up. 

I’ve finally hit the point where I feel like I’m getting over the heartache. For a second it felt like I never would. That there was no way I could get over the sadness. That’s how grief works I guess. It feels paralyzing for a while until one day it doesn’t. 

As an asexual, I am very aware that there are many people out there in the world who do not want to date me. I’m fine with that. I understand that people, for a reason I can’t understand, want sex in a relationship. That is, in fact, a necessity for them. However, I will admit, there is the occasional thought in my mind that I won’t find someone. Maybe there are people out there I’ll fall in love with but they won’t want me for me. Maybe I found the one person I got along with and now that’s over. I know that’s not true. I know there is another invisible string somewhere pulling the right person to me. Maybe I’ll meet them tomorrow. Maybe I’ll meet them ten years from now. They’re out there. I’m sure of it. I know I’m not the first person who has ever thought this. I’m sure the majority of the population has worried there is no one out there for them; asexual or not. If I truly believe there’s someone out there for everyone, why would I think I don’t apply to that? 

I think I was quite kind with my word choice in sharing how I felt about the break up on the blog. I wrote one post about how I was getting over it very soon after it happened. Although everything I said was true; that post did not mean I was totally okay. I was still incredibly sad. I still wrote about my feelings and missed what we had. 

Currently, the day I’m writing this, I feel quite okay. I feel like I’m truly okay with the fact that we broke up. Now I can have silly little crushes and be even more in love with Conan Gray. I can romanticize my life and imagine my main character moment when I finally have my meet-cute. That doesn’t mean I wanted the break up to happen. I have no choice but to make the best of the situation and move on. 

A lot of the time I did feel truly okay and lived my life as normal. However, there were many times where I would return to being extremely upset. I didn’t stop crying after the breakup. I didn’t magically get better. And that’s okay, I shouldn’t expect myself to. 

I also think there are people out there who don’t understand the reality of my relationship and the breakup. They assume I’m fine because I’m asexual and she is still my best friend. Let me be clear; I still had my heart broken. (That sounds so dramatic but you know what I mean). I was still extremely upset. Thankfully, I could keep photos of us up on my wall. I don’t have to burn the letters she’s given me or block her on social media. That does help the situation. However, during the sadness it was not my top priority to think of all the things I still have. It was my priority to let all my feelings out. 

Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean that I am not heartbroken. I was truly in love. I was so inexplicably in love. And I still am, just in a different way. I have love for my best friend. For the person who was there during my entire sexuality crisis. The first person I fell in love with. The first person who made me feel like I was me. She was the person who made me understand that I can feel love in just as beautiful a way as others do, if not in a way that is more special. Who would have been my muse for poetry if not her? 

I was the first person in my friend group to date someone. To fall in love. To no fault of their own, a majority of the people in my life could not relate to what I was going through, merely because they have never been in a relationship and will never experience what it’s like to be queer. I don’t want anyone to have to experience heartbreak, although it is almost inevitable. I do wonder how things would have been different if people around me had a way to relate to what I was going through. 

Just because there wasn’t sex and sexual attraction doesn’t make my relationsip any less legit. Just because we used different words and labels doesn’t take away the value in our relationship. It doesn’t make it any less real. This is my normal. Dating and falling in love and having romantic feelings is how I live life. That is my normal in a relationship. Just because my normal is different from yours does not devalue my relationship. It does not devalue my feelings and my love and my heartbreak. 

Maybe this is just me, and I get to say it because this is my blog, but I think, actually, I know, that the patriarchy limits what is capable of being felt and experienced in straight relationships. There are rules and expectations that straight, cisgender couples are upholding subconsciously and consciously. Supporting gender roles and societal expectations about heterosexual relationships takes away from what some could experience. I don’t really know how to elaborate on that. Don’t expect to live in the suburbs and raise three kids exactly two years apart if that’s not going to make you 100% completely and utterly happy. Queer people have an advantage, that they’re already defying what society wants of them. We have freedom to have unique relationships, to act and dress how we want. To express our sexuality and do whatever we want because we don’t have to live up to made up rules. This allows me to remain friends with my ex without the heteronormative assumptions and expectations. 

There isn’t a single ounce of me that doesn’t want my ex-girlfriend/ best friend in my life. I have quite a bit to say on this so it might be applicable to make separate blog post on. To quickly sum this up in case it doesn’t become a post; I love her. I’ve established a life with her that I want to keep. She never stopped being my best friend. Plus, it’s a bit ironic, and why not live for the irony and out of spite for those who think exes can’t be friends? 

Okay. That was quite a whirlwind of ideas and thoughts. There’s probably at least one more breakup blog post after this, and then we’ll move onto another topic. We need some variety in the world of this asexual. 

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