#1. There’s Always Fear

It’s scary. It’s not always scary. But there’s enough fear to keep you up at night. 

I can never seem to stress enough the frustration I feel about being in a queer relationship in public. It’s amazing how in love I can be, how happy I can be, while also feeling so much anger, frustration, disappointment, and resentment. 

I’m angry that the world is so unfair. That the world is so heteronormative. 

I’m frustrated that people can’t accept the fact that my relationship doesn’t look like theirs. I’m frustrated that politicians want to take away my right to marriage. My friend’s rights to healthcare. 

I’m disappointed that this is what being queer in the United States feels like. The so-called melting pot of diversity has a shockingly strict list of requirements to be accepted into. 

And, although it’s not a lot, my resentment towards straight couples is certainly there. It’s not fair that I fear for my safety. It’s not fair that at any moment someone could verbally attack me and my girlfriend. It’s not fair that every time I hold my girlfriend’s hand in public I have to worry about people staring. What could happen. What might happen. What one day I very likely will experience. 

It’s fucking unfair that I can’t do something as simple as hold the hand of the person I love. It’s unfair that the little voice in the back of my mind will never turn off. This is a reality a majority of the population does not have to face; my friends and family can go on dates and hold their partner’s hand and not bat an eye. 

In the back of my mind I have a list of places I feel safe holding her hand. I could count those places on less than five fingers. It’s not fair that I have to put my safety in the hands of others. 

You might be saying, “Wow Jadey, that’s a lot of complaining. You could just, ya know, not hold her hand if it worries you so much.”

Why? 

So I can succumb to the expectations of our patriarchal heteronormative society and look how it expects me to? Oh wait. That’s not fair either. Guess I’ll pick the lesser of two evils. 

It’s not fair. 

And it probably never will be. 

#2. You’re Wrong About What Reactions You’ll Get

I had expectations for how my family would react. My mom. My dad. My sister. I had expectations for how I would tell my best friend. Expectations for those I would not tell. 

None of it happened how I thought it would. Some reactions were worse. Some were amazing. Reactions I received from certain people continue to leave me disappointed with how the situation was handled. I understood that not everything would go according to the plan inside my head, but hoped it would be close to that. I can honestly say I’m not angry at how anyone in my life reacted to my coming out. I can for certain say I was disappointed. 

It’s important to know that coming out will not be perfect. Unfortunately, that is a brutal reality that queer people must face. We don’t get to be like straight people and never announce our sexuality. Speaking of which, that leads me to our next point. 

#3. You’re Always Coming Out

I did in fact write a whole blog post on this, so I’ll keep it brief. At any time, at any social interaction with a new friend, a family member, or even a stranger, the assumption can be made that I am dating someone of the opposite gender. Shockingly, I’m not. 

I only bring up this as a concern because I do not know what kind of reaction I will receive. As confident as I am in my sexuality, and how much I love to bring up my girlfriend, it is still a risk to speak out about it. I doubt that the reactions I personally would have when talking about my queerness would result in violence, but there is always a chance I could receive rude looks or offhanded remarks. That negativity is something I don’t want to waste one breath on, so if need be, I’ll avoid that discussion. 

Okay. I’ll admit. This was very much a downer of a post. Thankfully, there are actually some good things about being in a queer relationship. 

#4. I’ve never been happier. 

Obviously, I do not know the person you are in a relationship with. I just so happen to be dating someone whom I love an incredible, indescribable amount. Loving her has validated my queerness in a way I didn’t expect, and made me be even happier in my own identity. It has also given me a person to communicate everything to; whether that be my own queer experience, or something as simple as what I ate for breakfast. (It was probably oatmeal) (Editor’s note: It was definitely oatmeal). It’s silly how our relationship isn’t like the movies, yet it totally is. 

*movies by Conan Gray immediately starts playing in head*

#5. I’m Someone’s Girlfriend

It surprises me everytime when I’m introduced as my partner’s girlfriend. I know I’m dating her. I call her my girlfriend all the time. Yet when the time comes and I meet someone new, I still get butterflies at the introduction. 

The idea of being someone’s partner has definitely been romanticized by the media. There seems to be a great deal of societal pressure to be in a relationship. I never felt that way, maybe that has to do with my asexuality, or just the fact that I knew I would meet the right person at the right time. With that being said, it is incredibly fun to romanticize my relationship. To do silly little things I would read about in a novel or see in a movie. It’s fun to buy my girlfriend flowers. To write silly little love poems and letters. 

As difficult as it is to be queer, and to outwardly express that, the joy I feel from my own self confidence, as well as the joy from my relationship and my community makes it all worth it.  

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