I’ll be the first to admit, there is nothing more frustrating than being in the midst of a sexuality crisis and being told, “You’ll figure it out when you’re in a relationship.” 

First of all, there’s a good chance you’re not in a relationship. Secondly, I want to figure out my sexuality immediately. And if you are in a relationship, it’s perfectly valid to not understand what you’re feeling, or for the aro-spec community, not feeling.

This conversation happened when I was figuring out my asexuality, and was little to no help. 

Unfortunately for the possible confused aro-spec reading this, I did come to the conclusion about my aro-spec identity while in a relationship. So here’s your warning now: this might be of zero help.

Before and after I identified as asexual, I didn’t worry about my romantic attraction; feeling very certain I was alloromantic. I loved romance novels and movies. I wanted to, in the wise words of Conan Gray, “feel all that love and emotion”. Although I had never been in a relationship, I was positive it would feel like everything my favorite authors had described, minus the sex of course.

This was not the case.

Once I entered a QPR with my aroace partner, I was shocked by how much platonic attraction I felt. The love I felt for her was completely different from my other friends, yet there were still platonic undertones mixed amongst the romance. I did, and still do, refer to my partner as my friend or best friend. Usually this is in my head, as only a handful of people know she is my girlfriend, and referring to her as my friend would make things more complicated. Plus, it would only add to the assumption that I was straight, and therefore obviously looking for a nice boy to date. 

Calling our relationship a QPR felt right to me. There is no romantic attraction on my partners half, and absolutely zero sexual attraction between the both of us. Using a different term for our relationship fits us. 

Unfortunately for me, it drove me straight into an aromantic crisis. 

One day, as I read the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, the thought dawned on me that I might be gray-romantic after reading a chapter on aromanticism. The feelings I had for my girlfriend were platonic, but also romantic. These two attractions were marbled together, sometimes separate, sometimes impossible to tell apart. Upon further research, the label didn’t seem to fit me in the way I wanted, so I dropped the investigation.

A few months later, demi-romanticism crossed my mind, and suddenly I was in the very center of a full blown sexuality crisis in the middle of a workout, sweaty and out of breath at the gym. As soon as I got home I researched the identity, texting my allo friend any and all questions I had, as well as my aromantic girlfriend, my mind going a million miles a minute. I kept this label as a possibility in the back of my head, deciding if I had to describe my romantic orientation that was a word I could use. It wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t in love with the flag, but it was a possibility.

I was still unsure. I knew my feelings were different from what alloromantics were feeling, and the idea that my romantic attraction was on the aro spectrum made sense while validating my feelings.

My feelings for my QPP felt platonic and romantic, yet I couldn’t find a word to describe it.

When I googled it I found no solid answer. Only articles from allos about what romantic attraction feels like, and quizzes about how to tell if you were in love.

Eventually, I scrolled on Instagram, and was reminded that the term alterous existed. 

I truly felt like the dumbest person alive. 

Many times I had previously read the term, related to it, and even had conversations about it with my girlfriend. How I had completely forgotten this label existed I have no idea. In my defense, there are quite a few to keep up with. 

Sighing, I realized this was a term I was definitely going to use. Unfortunately, the more I researched it, with what little information there was, I realized it was common to put a prefix in front of the term. 

God damnit. 

That was the one thing I hadn’t figured out. Bi-alterous didn’t feel right. Homo-alterous seemed too restrictive to one gender. Pan-alterous was better, but I certainly had a preference for girls. That led me to omni-alterous, but then again, was I actually attracted to all genders? Men oftentimes didn’t do it for me. 

I was back to the same old conclusion, I didn’t need to label my oriented attraction. 

Here’s a few ways I came to this conclusion: 

• With previous crushes I already knew I never had experienced sexual attraction to them. This left me with romantic attraction, however, I had honestly just wanted to be friends with them, with a few added benefits of hand holding and possible cuddling.
• With my current QPP it felt natural to call her my girlfriend as well as my best friend. 
• I found comfort in the idea that my identity was on the aromantic spectrum.
• I often couldn’t tell the difference between what felt platonic and romantic in our relationship. 
• I identified with the friends to lovers trope.
• The label alterous was one that I immediately clicked with, something I had never had with other labels. 

There it is. An alterous asexual. That’s me. For someone who wasn’t a fan of labels, I sure seemed to be collecting more and more.

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