It has been many, many moons since my last blog post. And that’s not to say I haven’t had one sitting in Google Docs 80% done for the past four months. Because I certainly have. I just haven’t brought myself to finish it for whatever reason. I, of course, have still been writing lots. More than ever actually. It’s my senior year of undergrad so not only have I been writing for classes, I’ve been applying to grad schools and writing my thesis: a poetry collection on asexuality, queerness, desire, and taboo amongst other things. 

Maybe I’ll have to do a rundown of the best books and poetry collections I’ve read. But that of course is for Future Jadey to decide. 

Last year at this time I was unpacking comphet and deep in the journey of my Lesbian Renaissance, coming to terms with lesbianism and the fact that I wasn’t attracted to men. And shocker, here’s an update on that – I’m not a lesbian. Listen. Did I spend months thinking about that label, adopting it, and working through comphet? Yes, obviously. Was all of that completely necessary? Yes. But as I kinda figured I would do, I decided labels aren’t for me, and un-labeling my romantic orientation and using queer as a broad term makes me feel the most comfortable and seen in my identity. 

Do I resonate with aspects of lesbianism and the lesbian community? Yes. I’m still going to use the label lesbian for convenience, but in my little gay heart, I’m not one. The label lesbian feels too limiting. I have the capacity to like a wide range of people, just not cishet men. 

Part of this discovery was through dating my genderqueer partner, and being with them – dismantling gender norms and existing as just a person – has allowed me to feel perfectly at ease with not being boxed in. The same thing has resulted for my gender, where I may use she/her pronouns and be perceived as femme, on the inside I’m just a person existing who doesn’t need labels to define or box in the many experiences and nuances I feel around my identity. 

Being with my partner has also allowed me to reevaluate desire and my asexuality. Even as well-versed in ace knowledge as I am, I realized I was boxing myself into a preconceived notion of asexuality. By this I mean that I had it in my head what I was and was not comfortable with. How I wanted to show intimacy, what desiring someone meant. As I got older I wanted to explore that more, but a lot of it seemed like a hypothetical. 

Now, I find that I am stripping my understanding of my asexuality down to the very basic definition. Asexuality means experiencing little to no sexual attraction. While before that was closely tied to how I understood what I did not want, I am now reversing that idea, and understanding my asexuality through what I do want. To me, this means exploring physical intimacy in a way that feels right to me. Maybe what most would perceive as a sexual act actually feels romantic to me. Maybe I feel most connected with my partner through conversations surrounding our queerness – a part of that being how we physically interact with each other. Additionally, I’m accepting the fact that I could desire things that are seen as sexual. I can want physical intimacy and closeness even when I don’t experience sexual attraction. To put that idea to an analogy – I can still eat even when I’m not hungry. I’m also learning how huge a role aesthetic attraction plays in my desire. 

There are things I never thought I would be comfortable with that I now do and enjoy. And it feels so freeing and exciting to learn these things about myself. For example, if you’re an avid reader of the blog you may recall that for a long time I’ve been opposed to kissing on the mouth. There was something about it that just wasn’t for me. It made me uncomfortable, I didn’t see the appeal, and frankly, it seemed gross. And I often complained about this, because I so badly wanted to be an asexual who kissed. For many reasons. Because it was a “normal”  thing to do. Because it seemed fun. Because it seemed romantic. Anywho. I never thought I’d actively want to kiss someone. And you know what, now I’m dating someone who likes to be kissed. And guess what, now I like it. Now, I don’t get “sparks” or “butterflies” like I do when I’m kissed on the cheek or somewhere else. I’m not begging to be kissed on the mouth. But I know my partner likes it, and it makes them happy, and that alone makes me enjoy it and want to do it. 

A lot of factors went into this new kind of thinking. The first obviously being the relationship I have with my partner, the safety and comfort I feel with them, and the desire to explore and experiment with someone I love. Simply getting older, wanting to try new things. Conversations with my friends revolve around sex and relationships and I’ve always taken such an interest in intimacy and desire I wanted to further explore it within myself. 

While this may sound like I’m exploring what could be deemed “sexual” I am not at all saying I’m not asexual. In fact, this makes me more confident in my asexuality, and excited to explore it further. While before I searched for other aces talking about their experiences as sex-repulsed or sex-averse, I’m now interested in sex-neutral to sex-favorable ace experiences to understand different perspectives and see how they resonate with my own identity. 

A few baby updates not long enough for their own post:

I listened to this podcast called Velvet, a fictional narrative about a woman coming to terms with her newfound asexuality and understanding “what it means to experience pleasure beyond sex.” She discusses desire with her allo friends, attends an ace group, and even goes to a Shibari class, which was my favorite episode and by far the most interesting. I wasn’t blown away by the writing, but it was so relatable, and covered so many pieces of the ace experience. This was awesome to listen to as an ace person, and I think would be really informative for allo people wanting to understand asexuality more. 

Click here to read a poem I got published:  I Wish I was a Riot Grrrl Magpie Zine 

This was my first publication outside of my university, and a poem I’m really proud of! My bio is on page 61, and my poem on page 62. 

Anywho. It feels good to be back on the ol’ blog. It’s also been really nice understanding more about my queerness and exploring who I am and my relationship to love and romance. See y’all later.