There’s a few different discourses in the queer community that really get my blood boiling, so today I decided to take that opportunity to discuss them all with you. 

1. Harry Styles is Queerbaiting 

Many people seem to be convinced that singer-songwriter Harry Styles (he needs no introduction, we all know the man) is queerbaiting, which,  if you don’t know, is a marketing technique when a company or platform hints at queer romance or representation without actually portraying it in order to pull in a larger audience. 

However, Harry Styles is not queerbaiting. Why? Because people can’t queerbait. 

Who can queerbait? Companies, entertainers, and marketers. 

People are not a commodity. People do not owe anyone their sexuality. 

Many people feel that Harry is not doing anything for the queer community, even though he presents himself in a very androgynous way. He wears color and glitter, he was on the cover of Vogue in a dress. He waves pride flags around on stage and helps fans come out at his concerts. 

The people who think he is not queer clearly know nothing about him. They don’t know about his song “She,” they don’t know that he doesn’t label his sexuality, and they certainly don’t know about the Larry fan theories (not that I’m suggesting those are real). 

Harry Styles has never confirmed his sexuality because he has never labeled it. Additionally, just because Harry presents himself in a certain way doesn’t actually say anything about his sexuality.

“Well, he’s only been seen dating women. He must be straight.” 

Assuming Harry Styles is straight because he has only been seen dating women is biphobic. Just because he has only publicly dated women does not mean he has not privately dated men. He doesn’t have to date the same gender as him to prove his queerness. A bisexual or queer person dating a member of the opposite gender does not make them straight, just like dating a member of their same gender does not make them exclusively gay or lesbian. Harry could only date women for the rest of his life and if he experienced attraction to men or people outside the binary, doesn’t make him any less queer. 

“Okay, even if he is queer, he hasn’t done anything for the queer community. He never speaks about queer issues.” 

Let us all be reminded that Harry Styles is a singer, not an activist, although many artists are activists, that is not the job they signed up for. Yes, Harry has a huge following and has influence over millions of fans. That does not mean he has to become a political figure. He is simply a singer and songwriter. It is important that people with big followings know their power, and that is why many celebrities speak out on issues important to them. However, that is not their job they signed up for, and it is not the role they have to fill. We don’t know what Harry is doing in his private life. And heck, the man is probably voting to support queer issues, which is one of the most important things anyone can do. 

Harry is often compared to the love of my life light on this earth Conan Lee Gray. For some reason, people can validate Conan’s queerness, but not Harry’s. Because Conan has exclusively said he doesn’t label his sexuality, and often shows queerness in his music videos by portraying same sex couples, or showing himself interested in people in members of the same sex, his unlabeled queerness is accepted. He also almost exclusively writes lyrics with gender neutral pronouns, and when he does use binary pronouns, the outcome is usually queer in itself. 

For example in his song “The Exit,” off of his sophomore album Superache, Cone sings “You love her, it’s over.” Here the pronoun suggests that the person he dated is queer. If it was a straight presenting relationship and he dated a girl, he would be singing about the girl falling in love with another girl after Cone and her broke up. Or, if he was dating a boy, the boy would like girls and boys because they had dated Conan. 

This portrayal of queerness, as well as Cone’s androgynous style and pride-flag-waving at concerts allows people to accept his queerness even though he typically does not speak out about the queer community (although he has in a few interviews). Suddenly, when Harry does many of these things, it’s seen as queerbaiting, which is a dangerous double standard. 

2. If You Haven’t Faced Discrimination, You’re Not Queer

I see this a lot in ace discourse, and that is that ace people can’t possibly be queer because they’re not discriminated against. First of all, that right there is discrimination because you’re dismissing our identity as queer. And secondly, being queer is not a competition of who has it the hardest. Basing queerness on who is the most oppressed is a dangerous and invalidating game. 

The only reason we’re discriminated against is because of people holding up the cisheteropatriarchy. The people who cause us the most harm are straight, cisgender, white people. 

The only thing that makes you queer is your experiences outside the cisgender and heterosexual experience. Asexuals are queer because we experience attraction outside of the norm. Something as simple as our existence and our different approaches to romantic and sexual relationships puts us outside of the binary. Our relationship to our sexuality impacts our gender expression and experiences in a cisgender heterosexual world. 

Not to mention that many ace people are not straight or cisgender. And for the aces who are, it’s up to them to decide if queer is a label they want to use. 

Additionally, the Oppression Olympics allows queer people to continue to be discriminated against by straight people in order to prove our querness. Just because I haven’t been hate-crimed doesn’t mean I’m any less gay than someone who, unfortunately, has. 

3. Internalized Homophobia is the Queer Person’s Fault 

We see this a lot with politicians, where supposedly straight anti gay male politicians are caught having sex with a man. Oh my god! They’ve been queer all along! That’s why they’re homophobic! It’s because they can’t accept themselves!

This then leads people to believe that everyone who is homophobic is secretly gay. Is it true that there are people who are homophobic because they’re suffering with internalized homophobia? Yes, of course. But simply saying that every homophobic person is gay places the blame entirely on queer people. 

Assuming that every homophobic person is gay allows the blame to be placed onto a marginalized community and never lets the true oppressor take fault for their violent actions. 

Are secret gay people really the ones murdering trans women? Assaulting lesbian couples? Misgendering and bullying nonbinary kids to the point of suicide? No. 

Racist people aren’t racist because they’re secretly Black. That logic makes no sense. 

Homophobia is a systemic issue, and is being upheld by straight, cisgender, white men. The only people who should be blamed for homophobia are the people who are actively hurting the queer community. 

4. There’s a “Right” Way to be Queer

Apparently there’s a “right” way to be queer. Sure, we can get married and adopt kids. Yeah, transexual people should be gendered correctly. Sure, we can dye our hair and hold hands with the person we love. 

But, god forbid we exist outside of the gender binary, or use neopronouns, or look too alternative, because suddenly we’re making the community look like a joke. Straight people won’t take us seriously. Republicans will continue to vote against us if we aren’t “normal.”

Spoiler alert: there’s no “right” way to be queer. Queerness exists on a spectrum, and that experience looks different for everyone. 

Let us all remember that social media is not real. It is all online. It is not what you see in real life. I see a lot of online discourse from people within the queer community saying that there are queer people who we “do not claim.” These are typically gender nonconforming people who have extravagant makeup and use neopronouns that we see on social media. While some people might not understand this, the truth of the matter is that people within the community worry they are ruining our credibility to non-queer people. 

Their logic is that straight people can understand those who are gay and lesbian, maybe trans people too, but when people use bug/bugself neopronouns, that’s a step too far. That is too queer, and it makes the “normal” queer people look like idiots. Because surely if we call our friend by their neopronouns and their chosen name is Stick, then we’re just hopping on the gay agenda. 

The truth is that these people are never going to accept us. Also, it just doesn’t matter. These people we see online who are supposedly being queer in the “wrong” way are just that, online. The people I’ve met in real life who are trans or nonbinary or have chosen their name and use neopronouns are real genuine people. They are kind and cool and, shockingly, not that different from me. They simply want to exist and be supported. Frankly, everyone does, no matter your gender or sexuality. 

For laughs and giggles, let’s say you do meet a real person who uses bug/bugself pronouns, and wears a ton of eyeliner and makes those weird movements you see on TikTok. They’re probably fine people. And if they’re not, if they’re hating on allo/cishet people and are mad when people misgender them, assuming everyone understands neopronouns, that’s on them. No one is going to understand your identity right away. As much as you want them to, as upsetting as it is, that’s life. Plus there are a ton of “normal” (aka cis/het) people who are weirdos. There are “normal” people who are crazy. Whacko! Insane! Look at the politicians we elect and the people we support! Look at the woman running the Libs of TikTok account calling out random school teachers and queer people for existing or having pride flags in their classrooms. She targets these normal people and then allows her followers to harass them on social media, and spread their personal information revealing their home address and place of employment. Then she claims her account is not responsible for her fans calling in bomb threats to schools! That’s pretty freakin’ whack. 

These groups queer people are trying to win over are mostly Republicans, and in their eyes the only “right” way to be queer is to not be queer at all. 

Republicans aren’t going to accept their quiet next door lesbian neighbors, and they sure as hell aren’t going to support their idea of queer people which is cat-litter-using-furry-plant-named gen Z kids. 

Harry Styles isn’t queerbaiting. Oppression isn’t a competition. Internalized homophobia is not our fault, and there is no right way to be queer.