Jadey. You’re coming out? Haven’t you already done that? Didn’t you come out years ago and make being gay your whole personality? You made a blog about it and run your campus’s gay club and write and read and listen to and watch queer media. Doesn’t everyone in the world know you’re gay?!

Well…yeah.

But. Alas. I have adopted a new label that I thought I should share with you all (hence the reason I have a blog).

I’m a lesbian. And it feels weird to type that. It feels weird to see those words in reference to myself. I know this is probably shocking for you readers (it’s definitely not). But don’t worry. I’m definitely still asexual. That is not changing.

How did I come to this conclusion? I’ll tell you. 

1. I kinda always knew.

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that I was maybe sorta possibly just ignoring this part of my identity. This label has been swimming around in the back of my mind for a while. I know I don’t like men, yet I haven’t been using the label lesbian. I thought I would possibly come around to the label eventually, but I was never actually putting the work in questioning if that was a label I wanted. I wasn’t questioning it because I simply didn’t want to have another sexuality crisis. It’s a lot of work to question your sexuality and I did not want to go through that journey again. 

Besides the fact that I thought one day I might identify as a lesbian, I also felt very connected to the lesbian experience. Sometimes I would see people on TikTok talk about being an asexual lesbian, and I would feel very seen in those statements. Lesbians would talk about lesbian experiences and I would relate, but push it off as just a queer experience or a commonality because I also like women. 

During the summer I came to the realization that all my friends, even the ones who are queer, still experienced attraction to men. And I thought to myself “I need to make more lesbian friends.” That’s kind of a gay (lesbian) thing to think…If I didn’t identify as a lesbian then why would I want lesbian friends? Probably because I found it relatable…

2. I made lesbian friends.

This school year I became friends with two lesbians and they converted me. All these republicans are worried about the gay agenda. Well look what happened when I befriended some lesbians! 

No. What really happened is I simply talked to them about being lesbian. And low and behold it resonated with me. I would tell them things and they would look at me with a kind of “duh” look in their eyes because the things I would say to them were clearly lesbian experiences. 

Plus, these two friends have a list of all the lesbians on our campus and when I heard about this I thought to myself “I should probably be on that list.” That’s a pretty gay thing to think.

It turns out talking to people with commonalities makes you realize things about yourself. Plus, they would remind me that it’s cool to be a lesbian and send me lesbian memes on Instagram so that was nice and made me feel better about accepting this label. 

3. Heterosexual relationships disturb me.

Don’t take this the wrong way. I swear I’m a straight ally. My point is this: I don’t want it. I see straight couples out in public expressing PDA or holding hands or what have you, and I find it kinda…gross. It disappoints me. I see queer relationships and it makes my little gay heart flutter with hope and admiration. 

4. I read the Lesbian Masterdoc.

Yeah. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve read the Lesbian Masterdoc before. But that was years ago and I read it out of curiosity and to see if those points related to what I was feeling as someone trying to figure out if they liked women along with men (which is what I felt at the time). 

For about the past year I had put off reading it again. I put off reading it because I knew I would relate and I simply didn’t have time to question my sexuality again. I thought I was done with that. I spent years doing that and being out. I thought that period of my life was behind me. I was wrong. 

Now, some parts of the Lesbian Masterdoc simply don’t apply to me. Mostly because I’m ace, but also because I used to like boys.

Here’s some key takeaways I took from reading the Lesbian Masterdoc that made me realize I should probably just use this label: 

• You can’t imagine a happy and fulfilling life with a man
• You think it’s objectively true that every woman is more attractive than men
• Lesbian or gay feels like the label for you but you still doubt yourself 
• You’re repulsed by the dynamics of male/female relationships 
• You dread the idea of a future with a man
• You go through past memories to prove your attraction to men
• You couldn’t imagine yourself in a long term relationship to a man
• You really like a male celebrity (an unattainable man)
• Having past attraction to men or being in a relationship with a man in the past doesn’t take away from your lesbian identity now 

And this quote that really made me stop and think: “Lesbian doesn’t need to mean ‘only experiences attraction to women,’ it can mean ‘only feels comfortable, only prefers, and only prioritizes women & relationships with them.’” Once I read that I knew it was over for me.  

5. I questioned why I wasn’t using the label lesbian. 

Turns out there were a lot of reasons. The main one is that I was definitely (and still am unfortunately) struggling with some comphet stuff, and using the label lesbian really solidified the fact that I don’t like men and probably never will. As much as I thought I was over the whole wishing I liked boys thing so my life would be easier, I clearly was not. 

I also like to be mysterious and not labeling my sexuality allowed me to be cool and mysterious. Now, I still have lots of love and appreciation for being unlabeled or just using the label queer, but it’s necessary for me to come to terms with the term lesbian in reference to myself. Plus Conan Gray doesn’t label his sexuality and now we don’t have that in common. Devastating.

The asexual thing also throws some complexities into the ring. One, because what I see on social media is a somewhat sexualized (in an empowering way) lesbian sexuality. I see gay people online talking about lesbian sex and enjoying it and being proud of it. That’s not something that resonates with me in the same way it does for others. And in a bad sexualized way, lesbians and queer women are often hyper and over sexualized in the media and viewed in a way for male pleasure. I’ve probably internalized that and subconsciously related that to lesbianism and therefore seen it as something I don’t experience/relate to as an asexual person. I had to separate these things and modify the lesbian definition to fit me, an asexual person. 

Let’s get back into the comphet stuff. I thought I wasn’t really dealing with compulsory heterosexuality because I love being queer. I went around saying I didn’t like men and I wouldn’t want to date a man…but I was secretly (maybe even unconsciously) holding onto hope that I did like men.

This came to the forefront when I befriended a boy. This is a pretty normal thing, but I’ve pretty much had friends who were girls (or nonbinary) throughout my life. So, of course, I got into my head about this. I like this friend a lot. We have a lot in common. We both write. We’re both hilarious. We’re both normal and not weirdo freak college kids. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I was hoping that I would like him. And that’s a terrible thing to admit. Because I don’t like boys in that way. But the hope was still there. 

It also didn’t help that my family members liked him. After I introduced this friend to my family (as one does when they make new friends) they had some choice things to say. “I wish you were straight so you could date him” and “do you still have a crush on him?” 

It’s terrible to hear these things because I’ve thought about them myself. I don’t want my family, people’s whose opinions and judgment I care about, to reflect back to me my own insecurities. Of course I also want to like him! Of course I wish that part of me liked boys. It would be so easy. I would relate to my other queer and bisexual friends. I would relate to my straight friends. I would be normal!! Ughhh not normal but you know what I mean. 

But alas. I don’t like boys. And I wouldn’t be happy marrying one. In fact, I’m haunted by Chappell Roan’s lyrics “you’re nothing more than his wife.” How a shiver runs up my spine! 

Why I’m using the label lesbian and other thoughts: 

I’m using the label lesbian because I want to be part of a community. I want to feel understood by people who don’t like men. I want to be on my friend’s lesbian list. 

I’ve been making myself save lesbian memes to my Pinterest folder. My lesbian friends will send me lesbian TikToks or memes and it makes me feel seen and all warm and fuzzy when they do. I’ve been making comments about me being a lesbian to a small group of people. I’m working on it. 

I made a presentation to tell my friends. This was good because I had to think about myself in conjunction with the label lesbian. I had to think about other people perceiving me this way. It also was something I could hang over their heads and be like “ooo super secret presentation I have to show you” so that made me feel better about it. At the time of writing this I have yet to show it to them, but I’m sure they will find it entertaining and funny and be happy for me. It definitely won’t come as a surprise. 

I feel as though I am back into the life I had at 17. I’m almost 21, a junior in college, and I feel just like my confused  junior year high school self. I’m watching YouTube videos about lesbians and finding comfort in that. I’m going on TikTok and searching up lesbian coming out videos. I’m looking at lesbian memes. I’m finding lesbian playlists on Spotify and singing along to songs about girls kissing girls. 

I’m mourning the life I could have had. I know a life of heterosexuality and traditional relationships is not for me. But embracing this label solidifies that in a way I didn’t expect. And that’s hard to admit. 

I am uncomfortable with this label now. But deep down I know that this is who I am. And later, if I realize labels never really were for me I can drop it. Because lesbian is just a word, and I’m a real person feeling real experiences and a word doesn’t have to define the complexity of things I’m experiencing. But I know that this journey of me realizing my internalized negative feelings was necessary. As proud as I am of my identity, I still can be prouder. 

No label is going to fit me the way asexual does. The community I feel, the comfort I feel in that word and seeing the ace flag is indescribable. Maybe one day I’ll feel that about lesbianism, but the most important part of my identity is my asexuality. Because I’m not just a lesbian. I’m an asexual lesbian. The term ace will always come first. 

I think I’m also having trouble because I feel like I have to give up the term queer. And I love being queer. It feels political. It feels broad and encompassing. It feels like a big fuck you to societal norms. So, let me remind myself: I don’t have to give up labels that work for me. I get to add labels. I can be a part of the ace community. The lesbian community. The queer community. I can be queer. I can be asexual. I can be lesbian. And I can be a queer asexual lesbian all at the same time. 

I don’t want to call myself a lesbian if it doesn’t fit. But I also don’t want to not call myself a lesbian because of homophobia or comphet or some other reason because I’m ashamed. I don’t want to be ashamed of my queerness. I want to love it with every ounce of my soul. 

I don’t have to go around screaming that I’m a lesbian. I don’t have to announce it.  I don’t even have to post this blog, but you all know I will because I love to overshare on the internet, and this post was not only funny, but meaningful for me to write, so maybe it’ll be helpful to someone else. 

Alright. It’s been about two months since I wrote all of the above. I’m happy to say I’m finding joy in identifying as a lesbian and it’s actually making me feel even more confident in my queerness. I’m sure this will be an ongoing process for me, and there will be more lesbian (and asexual) content to come.