Tag: asexual

Sobriety, Weddings, and Violins: Things That Make Me Wonder “Is That an Ace Thing?”

Today I am going to be listing off things, thoughts, actions, interests, any other descriptive word, that makes me wonder “Is that an ace thing?” Sometimes I’ll be going about my day and have a realization, and I will wonder if that is a universal feeling, a me feeling, or just an ace thing. So, if you’re ace, please weigh in. I think some of these things are going to be ace experiences, and others might be funny coincidences. Nevertheless, let’s begin.

Aces Enjoy Being Sober

Now. As an underage college student I obviously have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Edibles? I have never heard of such a thing. Marijuana? Couldn’t be me…(cough cough hint hint nudge nudge). So…the following statements are totally and surely hypothetical.

I will start by saying that no matter your age, but especially as a college student, it is incredibly important to use substances responsibly and with people you feel safe with. Thankfully I have a lovely group of friends who support me whether I choose to endeavor into adult substances or choose to remain sober, and most of the time I choose to be, as they say, stone cold sober. Now. I have never had a bad experience under the influence and have always consumed a non-concerning amount of alcohol. However, I rarely do because I just don’t have that much interest in it. Sure, it’s fun to try. It’s a different group activity than what I usually do. But I just don’t see the major appeal. In my mind that groups into the face thing with the no sex bit. Why drink alcohol or have sex when I could eat a cookie and watch a movie?

There has been a study done which I’ll link here (link!) that discusses how ace people are less likely to drink. The culture with drinking is usually surrounded by hookup culture, and that obviously is not the ideal spot for a majority of asexual or aromantic people.

Clothes Don’t Sexualize You

Let’s see if I can explain this correctly. You can wear sexy clothes and be sexy in them if you decide that. If you just think they’re cute, and enjoy wearing them but are sexualized, that’s a societal issue. And there’s an aura, an energy, about those who wear hot or sexy clothes for the purpose of being hot or sexy.

It’s ultimately up to the person to decide if something they’re wearing or doing is sexual. If I put on a tiny top and called it “slutty,” I would say that in a sense that I’m showing a lot of skin and society would probably sexualize me. But, in my ace mind, I’m simply wearing a shirt I look hot in, and by no means am trying to get people to notice me.

Does that make sense? Wear what you want and I don’t care. As long as your clothing doesn’t impact your life or is so revealing that it is actually going to bother others…wear what you want. It doesn’t matter.

I Don’t Want Kids

Plenty of people don’t want kids for a variety of reasons. Plenty of heterosexual, cisgender people don’t want kids. I think my no-kids view has to do with my asexuality, but also with the fact that I just don’t love children. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited to be the cool aunt. I can’t wait until my nieces and nephews (or niblings) visit me in my future cottage and I read them books and teach them cool things and am the coolest, most funny aunt ever. However, I feel no desire to raise them for the next 18+ years. That seems like so much work. Work I wouldn’t enjoy. I would rather raise cats and a pet cow.

Also, it is possible that I would have to be pregnant to have kids. And there is truly not a single brain cell in my mind that can imagine that. I have no desire to be pregnant. To birth a child. If I had kids I would adopt, and I thought that for a while until recently when I realized I don’t want kids at all. From a young age I knew I wanted to adopt if I had children and looking back that must have been a subconscious asexual thing.

Maybe if my future partner really wants kids and I get older I might want them. Never say never as they say. But also…it seems unlikely.

Weddings Are Way Too Big a Deal

Weddings seem like way too much work for what they are. So many people. So many details. So. Much. Money. Not to mention weddings feel super heteronormative and Jesus-y. Not my vibe. (Obviously not all, this is just a general claim).

Now, I’m not saying it’s all bad. Because I want to be proposed to so badly. However, I do not want a gigantic wedding. Instead, I would love a little party with my family and friends where we can listen to music and eat cake and I have an opportunity to wear a dress that isn’t white and have a stunning moss agate wedding ring. My future partner and I can sign the papers ahead of time and do the legal thing. It doesn’t need to be a huge deal. I think there’s an aspect of straight culture that is all “get married and you can stop trying” when in reality I want to get married because it’s romantic and I can have a party to celebrate queer love.

Additionally, I want to keep my last name. I have a memory of being in the fifth grade and thinking how I would keep my last name unless my husband had a really good one that was even better than mine. Obviously I don’t want the husband part but my point still stands. And, I am no way opposed to a hyphenated last name. Imagine I write a gay little book and I get to have my name on it as well as my partner’s last name added right on the end of mine. That’s adorable.

Aces Always Play an Instrument

I have never met an ace person who does not play an instrument. I play the violin, and if I think back to every ace person I know now or knew in high school it is 100% true that they are in some kind of music program. This one must be a coincidence but it is pretty funny that every ace person I know lives in the music department of their school.

Aces Are Hot and in a Relationship

I have never met an ugly ace person. I have never met an uncool ace person. And I also have never met an ace person who hasn’t been in a relationship or is currently in one. Aces pull people. Probably because we’re hot. And if you’re ace and not in a relationship it’s probably because you don’t want to be or you’re simply waiting for your perfect ace partner to come along.

This probably ties back with the previous point that aces are cool and musicians are cool. When I tell you how happy I would be if I had a musician/rocker girlfriend or partner. Hot.

Alright. That’s all. What was this but another blog post scraping my brain for silly ace experiences.

Why boygenius is Changing The Lives of Queer Listeners

In my last blog post I talked about how I wanted to have a post dedicated to boygenius and my deep, deep love for them. This is that post.

If you are unaware, boygenius (yes in lowercase letters) is a band, specifically a supergroup, made up of three queer women named Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus. They all had successful solo careers before they teamed up in 2018, forming a close friendship and later a band. They released their EP, boygenius, in 2018 and haven’t released anything else together until now. They got back together when the pandemic started, initiated by Phoebe Bridgers, just weeks after she released her album, Punisher.

Their album, the record, was released March 31st 2023 and contains songs about love, friendship, religion, and heartbreak.

But what’s so great about them that I need to write a whole blog post on it?

First of all, they’re an all queer band. We often see bands made up of boys who are usually straight white men. And, when we do get girl groups, they’re expected to sing about heartbreak and be everything society tells women they should be. boygenius not only breaks the expected girl group trope, but they do it in a queer way, singing about love, friendship, and mental health. Even the name of their band plays with the idea of men having superiority in the music industry. They poke fun at the patriarchy, sing about life, not just boys, and wear suits. Plus, fans call them “the boys” and I think that’s just adorable.

Additionally, many queer listeners can see themselves represented by each member. Phoebe is sarcastic, edgy, and bisexual. Lucy is kind, funny, and queer, and Julien is energetic, passionate, and gay.

Secondly, they’re activists. All three members actively speak out about political issues such as abortion and women and queer rights. In their song “$20,” lyrics further this claim when they sing “Pushing the flowers that come up/Into the front of a shotgun/So many hills to die on.”

Thirdly, they have a beautiful friendship. I am obsessed with watching interviews and clips from concerts with them because they are just so adorable. They smile, laugh, make jokes, hug, and even tackle each other on stage. You can see how pure and real their friendship is, and that provides so much hope and joy.

Fourthly, I am in love with Julien Baker. She is always so happy. She has such golden retriever energy. She has the most genuine, biggest smile I have ever seen. She’s adorable. She is only five feet tall and full of energy. She is so intelligent. She speaks eloquently in interviews and you can tell how passionate she is about being an artist and a role model. Her laugh is contagious. She is covered in tattoos and wears masc outfits that make my gay heart fall head over heels. She has a guitar that says “queer joy” and every time I see it I could truly cry.

I could obviously say the same for each member, but I do have a favorite, so I’m not going to shut up about her.

And lastly, I’m seeing them in concert and I could literally explode. I’m so happy. I truly have no words to describe how excited I am to see them. They are so gay, and I am so gay, and I didn’t even realize how important it was for me to be in that kind of environment with other queer listeners listening to a bunch of queer people sing about being queer. It is so validating. It is so heartwarming. It fills me with so much hope. And it hasn’t even happened yet. I just know how fantastic it is going to be.

Now. I say they’re changing lives, and I can for certain say they changed my life, but probably not in the grand way you’re thinking. They didn’t show up to my house and give me a million dollars or save my puppy from a burning fire. They simply exist. All they do is show the queer community that we can exist and be ourselves and form genuine relationships and be happy. But, we don’t have to be happy all the time, especially when we’re listening to their music.

You already know you’ll be getting an updated blog post once I see them perform in July. Until then!

10 Songs That Aren’t About Romance or Sex

We all know by now that I am nothing if not a hopeless romantic. However, that is not the case for my entire community. Some aces and aros out there don’t enjoy consuming media that is about romance or sex so this blog post is for them (you’re welcome). Plus, it seems difficult to create a good song not about love when that is all we hear about on the radio so props to all these people for doing just that.

Here’s ten great songs not about love or sex:

(Can We Be Friends?) – Conan Gray

I haven’t mentioned the love of my life Conan Lee Gray very recently in a blog post and it’s starting to feel like a crime. Oh Conan. I have nothing bad to say about this man just as I have nothing bad to say about this song. His song is short, sweet, and incredibly intimate. If you need a song for that one special friend (or friends) in your life this is the perfect song for them.

Notable lyric: “Could you be my best friend?/Can we be friends?”

Additionally: “So, if anybody fucks with you/I’ll knock their teeth out (yeah)”

The little “yeah” is followed by a tiny laugh and it really gets me good every time.

Mood Ring – Lorde

I love this song mostly because the whole thing is satire and commentary on trying to connect with oneself through spirituality. The whole song is politically charged and if I’m going to listen to a song I love when it comments on corruption in society.

Notable lyric: “You can burn sage, and I’ll cleanse the crystals/We can get high, but only if the wind blows”

Brutal – Olivia Rodrigo

Maybe I just wanted another opportunity to talk about Conan Gray as he is best friends with Olivia, but this song is a banger and all about teen angst which I’m sure Conan approves of.

Notable lyric: “And I’m not cool and I’m not smart/And I can’t even parallel park”

I am cool, and I am smart, but if Miss Rodrigo has been right about anything it’s the fact that I can’t parallel park.

Eat Your Young – Hozier

Every time I talk about music I talk about Hozier because that man is just that talented. He recently released three songs before he releases his third album later this year and I already know it is going to be a masterpiece. This song is about the famine in Ireland and the things people had to do for money to provide for their families.

Notable lyric: “Skinning the children for a war drum/Putting food on the table selling bombs and guns”

Literally oh my god. Andrew. I-

Satanist – boygenius

When I tell you I am in love with boygenius you better believe it. I somewhat recently started listening to Phoebe Bridgers, who makes up one third of the supergroup boygenius, and decided to listen to their debut record after a five year hiatus from when they released their EP. The other members, Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker, are also extremely talented, and although I don’t listen to their music quite as much, I am head over heels in love with Julien Baker. She has golden retriever energy and is so silly and happy I could just pass away. Additionally, they are an all queer band and I think I have to write a completely separate blog post on how important they are to me, their friendship, and the massive gay crush I have on Julien.

Notable lyric: “Will you be a satanist with me?/Mortgage off your soul to buy your dream”

Additionally: “Will you be an anarchist with me?/Sleep in cars and kill the bourgeoisie”

So edgy so punk so cool.

The Kids Are All Dying – FINNEAS

The first time I listened to this song I knew it was going to be one of my favorites. And it is. It is so good. Truly everything about it. The message. The sound. The music video. The irony.

Notable lyric: “How can you sing about drugs? Politicians are lying”

Additionally: “Bang Bang/Knocking on my door/”Do you have a dollar? Would you like to fund a war?/What’s your carbon footprint and could you be doing more?””

Chinese Satellite – Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers is such a unique artist. Sometimes I’ll listen to a song by her or boygenius and think to myself “wow this whole poem is a metaphor” and then I’ll read what it’s about and it will be about the most literal specific situation ever. This song feels like it could be a breakup song upon first listen but it’s actually about Phoebe’s relationship with faith and the fact that she doesn’t believe in god.

Notable lyric: “You were screaming at the Evangelicals/They were screaming right back from what I remember”

Fan Behavior – Isaac Dunbar

The first time I listened to this song was blasting it in the car and my jaw was literally on the floor. I have no words to describe how good this song is. A true hype song. Isaac’s voice is just inexplicably good and this song truly makes me speechless.

Notable lyric: “Hey, I just wanna say “hey” to let you know your blow/And all you did was feed my ego”

Number One Fan – MUNA

I mentioned this song in my blog post titled “How I Became Confident in Myself, My Sexuality, and Being Unlabeled” Where I obviously discussed how I’m hot and sexy and love myself. And at the bottom of that post I said you could just listen to this song because this song is about self love and is a pop banger.

Notable lyric: “”Oh my God like, I’m your number one fan/So iconic, like big, like stan, like/I would give my life just to hold your hand/I’m your number one fan”

no body, no crime – Taylor Swift

It wouldn’t be a music discussion without mentioning the music industry herself, Taylor Alison Swift. This song goes out to all the misogynistic men who think she only writes about boys and heartbreak. A song about the hypothetical murder of her best friend? Creativity and lyricism is unmatched.

Notable lyrics: “Good thing his mistress took out a big life insurance policy”

There we go. Ten songs about anything other than romantic relationships.

How I Knew I Was Asexual!

I decided I needed to write an explicitly ace post because I haven’t done one in a while. This post might be really familiar if you’ve read “How I Knew I Was Asexual and Queer.” However, that blog post also discusses how I realized I was in fact, not straight and liked women, so I decided to make a post on how I knew I was asexual without all the other complicated parts.

The following is a list of things that made me realize I was asexual. Some things seem to be common amongst the ace community, and some seem to just be a me thing. Take these with a grain of salt.

Literally what is sexual attraction?

The biggest thing that made me realize I was asexual was that I had no idea what the heck sexual attraction was. And, as I quickly found out with many Google searches, no one thinks to write about it because you’re just supposed to know. Google would always tell me that it was a feeling to desire sexual contact with someone else. From my understanding (allos correct me here) that is true. However…THAT MAKES NO SENSE. How am I supposed to know if I feel that? Unfortunately there is no guide or chart to tell you if you feel sexual attraction, and I came to the conclusion that I do not want to have sex with people and have never felt a desire to…so I must be ace.

Somewhat relevant note here: I was around 17 when I started questioning this, so if you’re any younger I wouldn’t overthink anything, but obviously if that is a label you feel comfortable with, use it! There is no age limit on when you can label your sexuality and no one knows how you feel more than you do.

I kept coming back to the label asexual.

From my experience, if a label is swimming around in our brain for a long time, it may be the right one for you. For probably at least six months I questioned if I was ace…and everything I kept wondering and feeling was basically confirmation that I was …so I came out. And let me tell you, I was more nervous to come out as ace than I was to say I like girls. There was something so scary about coming out as ace because I was so afraid I would be wrong and put myself into a community where I don’t belong. (This was a fear because the ace community is so misunderstood and even smaller than the amount of people who like the same gender as them). Obviously, I truly belong. And even if I didn’t and no longer identified an ace later, that would be okay. I could just no longer use that label.

Additionally, once I came out as asexual I realized that I found even more comfort in others knowing that about me, and everything about myself that felt different from what others felt was validated.

Sex is gross!

This one’s self explanatory. I don’t want to touch someone else. I don’t want someone to touch me sexually. That would be…say it with me now…gross!

I call myself a sex-averse asexual (meaning I don’t have any desire to have sex or have positive feelings about doing it) but I think if I were to involve myself into a sexual situation I would be sex-repulsed (meaning I literally find it disgusting).

If I had sex it would be way off in the future.

I would always be so shocked when I realized that my high school peers were genuinely sexually active. Not only was I not in a relationship for most of high school, I always thought I would have sex later in life. Now as a college student I can confidently say that I am at that age where people have sex and I want none of it.

If I had sex it would be boring.

If for some reason I had sex I would not be the giver or do anything that isn’t so basic and vanilla. Probably because I don’t want to have sex at all!

I’ve never had a lot of crushes.

I have had five whole crushes in my lifetime. And three of them were boys and I no longer experience attraction to men. My friends seem to have a new crush every week. I have not found anyone on my college campus who I have any desire to date.

Maybe that’s because I’ve convinced myself that my tiny liberal arts college can’t possibly hold the love of my life/future person I’m going to marry. But more realistically I think it’s just an ace thing and I am somewhat realistic with my crushes, so if they’re in a relationship or likely allosexual my brain takes that option off of the table.

I never wanted to do anything sexual with my past crushes.

You’re telling me…people want to have sex with their crushes. They want to perform sexual activities. They want to make out with their crush. They want to kiss them on the lips?!

Absolutely not.

Never in my life has a thought about being sexual with a crush crossed my mind.

All I want to do with my crushes is get to know them and then hold their hand..because that’s cute. And not gross.

Labels with “sex” in them felt off.

When it came to labeling my sexuality as a whole, labels with “sexual” in them (such as bisexual or pansexual) felt wrong because they implied that I was experiencing sexual attraction to multiple genders. Although I have always felt a connection to the label panromantic, (for the implication that I like people and not necessarily parts) it is probably just because it has to do more with my asexuality and my fluid romantic orientation rather than the fact that I am attracted to every gender.

People have sexual fantasies.

People have sexual fantasies that they actually want to do in real life. Not only am I not having sexual fantasies but…well, there is no but.

What the heck is feeling horny?

Literally what does being horny mean. When do you feel horny? How often do you feel horny? Why is it called horny? Am I a car with a horn? (Sorry bad ace joke).

“You’ll start having new feelings as your body begins to change…”

I never understood what people meant when they said you’ll start looking at boys or girls differently when you reach puberty/middle school age. What do you mean I will? Sure I’ll have a little crush but that’s it. Turns out I was just a naive asexual and it turns out that is when people start to feel sexual attraction and start having those thoughts and feelings for the first time.

Also…people had crushes in middle school. (I had a singular crush in my three years of middle school).

People had crushes in elementary school?! I refuse to believe that. And by refuse I mean I just don’t understand and can not comprehend my eight year old self having a crush on little Timmy.

Wow. What am I but a confused ace? Thankfully my time being an out asexual has allowed me to understand some of these a bit better…or simply ignore them.

If you are also a confused ace (or possible ace) I hope this was somewhat helpful and not just a chaotic word vomit of everything that puzzles my little queer brain.

I think I’m going to listen to some Leith Ross now.

I’ve Been Out For A Year!

I’ve been out for a year! (almost)

Exactly one year ago on April 20th 2022 I came out.

*sarcastic applause*

(For the sake of my posting schedule we can just pretend that it is in fact the 20th).

It was 5:17 P.M…

No. I have no idea what time it was. But it was a Wednesday, and I found myself sitting on the couch explaining my sexuality to my parents.

Although I have had this blog for quite some time, I have never shared my coming out story which is often a first area of discussion amongst queer communities. This story is one I feel comfortable sharing with my close friends and other queer individuals I meet throughout my life, however, I have no desire to share it with the whole internet. Maybe one day I will, but today is not that day. My coming out experience was not bad, but it wasn’t amazing. I was accepted with open arms and my family is very supportive. However, it was very emotional, and not something I love thinking about, as there were things I wish would have gone better. You never really understand how actually draining it is to come out until you have to do it, especially for the first time.

Nevertheless, here we are, and I’m really gay.

When I first came out I was still pretty “secretive” about my sexuality. It was hard to say “I’m asexual,” or “I’m queer” out loud. Today it’s practically as easy as saying my own name. I always knew there would be a time when I finally figured out my sexuality and lived out and proud as so many others did, and wow, why don’t you look at that, here we are!

In order to celebrate here are some things I have experienced, learned, and found out about myself as a very gay person.

I love rainbows.
I love gay jokes.
I don’t have to dress gay to find comfort in my sexuality. Although this was something I did at first, my style has evolved to feel like my own, and not a stereotype of what queerness is supposed to look like. Although, I do happen to dress pretty stereotypically queer because it’s what I like and it makes me happy.
I find myself not wanting to read books or watch movies or listen to music that is not queer or queer coded.
I did not realize how badly I needed queer friends and community.
I love discussing my sexuality and the complexity of human feelings.
Everyday my desire to live in a cottage and write poetry and marry a pretty person and own a pet cow grows.
I still contemplate labels for my romantic orientation, but not for long, and I really vibe with not labeling my romantic orientation.
When me or my friends make sex jokes about me it’s really funny.
Allo people confuse me less than they used to.
I am becoming more sex-averse/repulsed as sex becomes a more common topic of discussion on my college campus.

Here I want to make a special thank you to my friends and queer people in my life no matter if we’re best friends or just mild acquaintances through school or social media.

Hi people in my life. Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for letting me make gay jokes and wear silly little gay outfits and for liking my posts on Instagram about pride and giving me suggestions for queer media and sending me queer memes and loving me for who I am. I have found so much joy and confidence in myself this past year; it is truly unbelievable. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and continue to find even more joy in my life.

Not me getting emotional writing that last paragraph.

Coming out has truly changed my life and I cannot even begin to fathom how different and unhappy I would be if I wasn’t able to be myself. I am so incredibly grateful to live in a place that is so accepting and be surrounded by queer people and allies who love me for who I am.

Okay. That’s enough cheesy emotional gushy stuff for one day.

Love,

Jadey ❤

Be As Queer As You Want

I have unfortunately come to the realization that there are in fact homophobic people in the world.

The other day I attended my college’s gay club, as one does, where the president shared a story about transphobia in his work place. This incited a lot of fear for him, as he is a trans man, and for his own safety, has not revealed that to any of his colleagues, who were making transphobic comments. Although he played it off a bit as a funny storytime, it was obviously a huge concern and something that saddened and worried everyone in the club.

(As a side note, I am so extremely grateful for this club, it provides me with so much comfort and acceptance. I am so happy whenever we meet, and I didn’t know this was the kind of community I needed until I got to experience it. I appreciate everything the leaders of this club do and the safe space they provide).

On top of that, my campus was holding elections for the school government, and a rumor went around that one of the senators running was racist and homophobic and had made numerous remarks that were labeled as microaggressions. I do not know what kind of homophobic things this person had said, but I had unfortunately heard (through trustworthy sources) that this person had made weird and uncomfortable remarks about race. So, it is unfortunately very likely that this person is homophobic as well. (I will make a note here as well, that this person received very rude and inappropriate messages due to these rumors, which she should not have received, but that does not disregard the comments she made).

I am saying all this as a preface for the following concerns I have recently had.

I worry that I am too explicitly queer. That I make my queerness too obvious. That I make being gay and asexual too much of my personality. That my gay outfits and jewelry and jokes and topics of discussion are too predictable. When I wear a shirt that says “heterosexuality? in this economy?” and then discuss queerness, I worry it is annoying. I cuff my jeans and dye my hair and listen to queer artists. I paint my nails colors of the rainbow and wear ace flag earrings and look queer.

These two events have made me realize that is not the case whatsoever.

I must continue to be as queer as possible. I must continue to be so loud and gay and obnoxious not only out of spite, but for those who cannot. I have to be as gay as possible so I can grow up and be a queer adult. Do you know how many out and proud queer adults I can think of who I genuinely know? None. The amount of queer adults I simply know of in my personal life is less than I could count on one hand. I do not know any trans adults. Think about that. I rarely see adult queer people out in public because they are closeted, they don’t exist, or they aren’t alive.

Additionally, straight people are everywhere. And they are oblivious. A few months ago I had a fellow peer ask me if there were any boys I had my eye on. I was dressed in a way I thought read extremely queer, and was taken aback by this comment, as it was one I hadn’t received in a very long time. (This was probably a genuine question to include me in conversation, which I appreciate, but the directness of assumed heteronormativity threw me for a loop). Moral of the story is; straightness is everywhere. It’s in movies and books and on the street. It’s assumed and it’s the majority. Most straight people don’t even realize the world is so heterosexual unless they are educated on queer topics because heterosexuality is so normalized.

I live in a bubble of privilege. I am a cisgender white woman. I go to a liberal arts school and have friends who are allies and queer themselves. My parents support me for who I am. I have never received any sort of hateful or life-threatening comments from outsiders. I will never experience life as a queer person of color. I will never experience the discrimination my trans friends face.

The following was supposed to be a separate blog post, but I thought it was fitting to include here. I wrote this because I genuinely love being a queer individual, and I must always remind myself that my explicit queerness is important and life-saving.

Here it is:

I love being gay. I love being queer. I love being asexual and not labeling my romantic orientation. I love that I get to marry a pretty person one day and have cat children. I love that I have such a unique life. I love that I get to go to pride parades and gay clubs and wear rainbows. I love that I get to make gay jokes and learn about the community and read gay books and listen to queer music and meet queer friends and post on the internet every week about my silly little gay life. I love wearing gay little outfits and dyeing my hair and cuffing my jeans and wearing rainbow Converse and Doc Martens. I love the comfort and acceptance within my community. I love how caring and accepting my community has made me.

It’s obvious that I am passionate about being queer. I have seen what happens when people are not accepted or have been taught that queerness is wrong and should be fixed.

That causes my community to die.

That needs to end. Now.

You should be as queer as you want, whatever that means to you. If that means you wear rainbow clothes and pronoun pins and dye your hair five different colors, then do that. If that simply isn’t you and you don’t feel the need to be so outwardly queer, or it would compromise your safety, don’t.

Your queerness is beautiful and special and it should be celebrated. No one should take that away from you.

Alright. Go off and be cool gay people (or allies).

Songs About Sex That This Asexual Loves

As the owner of a gay blog and a music enthusiast I thought it was time for another blog post about music – this time with some irony. Today I am going to be sharing ten songs about sex that I, an asexual, love.

Now. It isn’t really that ironic that asexuals listen to songs about sex. There are so many songs out there, and a lot of mainstream songs are about love or sex. I am an asexual that loves pop songs, and as a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, there is nothing I love more than a good love song.

However, there are some asexuals or aromantics who prefer not to listen to music about romance or sex. They find it annoying, or gross, or honestly, pop-ey love songs are just not their preferred genre. Occasionally there will be songs about sex that I do not like, but I am unsure if that is because I’m ace or because the song is just bad. Usually the problem with songs is that the word choice is incredibly explicit. There are certain words that portray a pretty graphic sexual image and I find that (shockingly) gross. It just so happens that a lot of the songs I listen to happen to be about romance instead of sex. Then again, there are definitely as few that are as sexual as it gets.

Here are some songs about sex that this asexual loves:

Gummy – Isaac Dunbar

Isaac Dunbar is the king of indie alternative pop songs. If you’re looking for a song with witty lyrics, intense beat drops, and catchy harmonies, this is the guy for you. And, in my very correct opinion, he is extremely underrated. His most recent album, Banish The Banshee, has quickly moved up my list of favorite records. His song “Gummy,” the second track on this album, is very explicitly about sex, and it is so good.

In “Gummy” Isaac sings about an experience he had while under the influence of a certain special type of candy, and shouts about all of the things he is going to talk about, whether society approves or not.

Notable lyrics: “I’m talking ’bout sex” (obviously)

Additionally: “She likes my afro and my cheeky foreplay/We slow dance/She confessed, ‘Isaac, I thought you were gay’”

Dress – Taylor Swift

We all know Miss Taylor Alison Swift is the queen of pop music in every single genre. Indie, country, and electro pop, this gal can do it all. The following song is a fan favorite for its lyrics, relatable desire, and queerness (which you can read about here). I will admit, it is rare for Taylor to sing songs about sex as she has held up a good girl image for so long, but this song, off of her 2017 album Reputation, lets us know that Taylor is in fact, done protecting her reputation, and is going to write about whatever she wants.

Swift writes about a lover she is friends with, but wants oh so much more.

Notable lyrics: “Only bought this dress so you could take it off”

Additionally: let us be aware of the sensual gasps and beat drops throughout this piece.

Casual – Chappell Roan

I have a feeling Miss Roan is going to blow up once her album releases and she will be a household name. Chappell creates beautiful narrative pop ballads that will have you obsessed the first second you hear them. My friends and I can’t get enough of her, and are completely devastated. Her most recent concert was 21+ and we couldn’t attend. Chappell, if you’re reading this, please, please let us 19 year olds into your next concert. I’m begging.

Chappell sings about a relationship with a guy who is not taking it seriously, and the oh so complicated roller coaster of emotions that comes with it, one obviously being their desire for each other.

Notable lyrics: “Knee deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out”

Additionally: “I fucked you in the bathroom when we went to dinner”

Need I say more?

Pussy is God – King Princess

King Princess is the crazy gay best friend you never had. Their vocals and lyricism never miss, and she creates songs that are slow and emotional, or sensual and powerful.

I don’t think I have to tell you what this song is about…

Notable lyrics: “Your pussy is God and I love it/Gonna kiss me real hard, make me wanna it/You know that it’s God, baby, when you’re around her/I’ve been praying for hours”

Mikaela…

Did you come? – girl in red

girl in red is an icon in the queer music scene. Her ability to produce banger after banger is unbelievable. Her lyrics, unique sound, and voice allow her to tell beautiful stories of queerness, and in this case, the anger after a devastating heartbreak.

In this song, which I would argue is one of her best songs of all time, Marie sings about a breakup where her significant other brutally cheats on her, and the obvious anger that comes with it.

Notable lyrics: “Was she good? Just what you liked?/Did you cum? How many times?/Did you do the things you know I like?/Roll your tongue, make her cum twenty times?”

Becky’s So Hot – FLETCHER

If you’ve got that one ex you can’t seem to get over, Fletcher is the gal for you.

Fletcher wrote this song about her ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend, who yes, is named Becky in real life. And yes, we all know who her ex-girlfriend is, and all the drama that came with this song. It’s known on TikTok as the “Fletcher effect,’ and after this song was written, many well known internet lesbian couples broke up and caused a ton of drama on the app.

Notable lyrics: “Someone saw you out on Friday, saw you walking sideways/Guess you’re gettin’ fucked real good now”

Additionally: “’Cause Becky’s so hot in your vintage t-shirt/Ooh, she the one I should hate/But I wanna know how she taste”

How she taste?! Gay.

Bloom – Troye Sivan

Troye Sivan is truly the blueprint for what every queer indie artist desires to be. Catchy lyrics, narrative storytelling, and a true online presence, this man has a song for every gay experience ever.

One could argue this is about a lovely hike with some beautiful scenery, but we all know that is not what Troye was trying to sing about. If I really wanted to be a lit nerd and analyze this song, one could even suggest the location he’s in is the Garden of Eden, and woah, wouldn’t that be some religious symbolism and conflict between queerness and Christianity.

Notable lyrics: “It’s true, baby/I’ve been saving this for you, baby/Take a trip into my garden/I’ve got so much to show ya/The fountains and the waters/Are begging just to know ya”

Moment’s Silence – Hozier

No one, and I mean no one, does lyrics like Hozier does. I’m convinced Andrew Hozier-Byrne is a romantic poet of the 21st century. If you need a song about religion, Greek gods, and the beauty of women, this is your guy. I have no word to express the beauty in his voice and lyricism. Hozier is honestly the best lyricist I have ever heard. The things this man sings. I wish I could possess a single ounce of literary talent this man has.

All you need to do is read the lyrics to know what this song is most definitely about…

Notable lyrics: “A moment’s silence when my baby puts the mouth on me”

Boyfriend – Dove Cameron

Dove Cameron is mostly well known for her multiple roles on Disney, but her music career has exploded due to her iconic queer pop songs I, and many others, can’t seem to get enough of.

Dove wrote “Boyfriend” about an experience she had meeting another woman, where the night ended back at her place. This song is full of role reversal and feminism, and I am here for it.

Notable lyrics: “I could do the shit that he never did/Up all night, I won’t quit”

Nonsense – Sabrina Carpenter

This is one of the best pop songs of 2022. The rhyming. The lyricism.

Another song I don’t need to explain the context of:

Notable lyrics: “I’m talkin’ hope nobody knocks/I’m talkin’ opposite of soft/I’m talkin’ wild, wild thoughts”

Additionally: “How quickly can you take your clothes off pop quiz?”

I Got a Conan Gray Inspired Tattoo

On my adventure to become an even hotter and sexier person I knew one thing had to be done: I needed to get a tattoo. I had always thought that maybe somewhere down the road I would get a tattoo if I came up with a design I absolutely loved. However, I am super picky about tattoos, and preferred ones that were fine lines in black or colored ink. I had seen a lot of ugly tattoos and did not want to be the owner of one.

Up until my nineteenth year of life a design like that had never spoken to me. Then, one day on TikTok I saw someone get lyrics from a Conan Gray song tattooed on their arm in Conan’s handwriting. This thought had never even occurred to me. When Conan’s most recent album, Superache, came out in June of 2022, he sold vinyls with pictures, a poster, and lyric sheets he had written in his own handwriting.

In the back of my mind, I loved this idea and considered it for myself, but I am indecisive, so I sat with it for a while. Plus, I had the “Astronomy” lyrics sheet that had a tiny Saturn and stars drawn on it, and I had been considering getting that tattooed somewhere, but never decided where I wanted it. Later, I decided I wanted lyrics from my favorite song, “People Watching.” It’s been my favorite song for years, plus that song is definitely aspec and queer.

I was worried it would be a bit cringe to get a tattoo inspired by my favorite artists. What if he’s no longer my favorite artist in two years? What if he does something super crazy and gets totally and completely canceled by society? (We all know that wouldn’t happen, Conan is too pure for this world). I never thought I would be one of those fangirls who practically dedicated their life to an artist, and maybe I’m not there yet, but let’s be honest, Conan is a huge part of my life.

The idea of a tattoo was in my head, and I knew I eventually had to get one. I considered behind my ear, and on my finger, but none of those places seemed just right. After scrolling on Pinterest, I saw lots of cute tattoos on people’s ribs, and decided I would be even hotter and sexier with a rib tat. Have you ever met an uncool unsexy person with a rib tat? I think not.

I had considered getting the words “people watching” tattooed on my ribs, but on another Pinterest scroll, I saw a graphic that said “love and emotion” and I knew what had to be done.

Here’s all the reasons I decided to get “love and emotion” tattooed on my body forever:

Conan brings me the most joy I have ever felt in my whole entire silly little life.
“People Watching” is my favorite song of all time.
Love and emotion is so me. I am so full of love, and I am so full of emotion.
Rib tats are hot.
The way Conan sings “love and emotion” in “People Watching” is so angelic and beautiful I knew I needed it on my body forever.
If this song ends up not being my most favorite, looking back on this and knowing how much joy and happiness this brought me at the age of nineteen would be a lovely little memory to have.
If for some reason I ended up hating it, I could easily cover it up and never see it.
It’s good for the plot.

I had the idea of getting a Conan lyric in the back of my mind for at least four months, and in January Fully committed to “love and emotion.” At first, I decided I would sit with it until the fall, and get a tattoo at the end of 2023 if I still wanted it.

That clearly didn’t happen.

One day, in the middle of January, I was walking back from math class, and “People Watching” came on in my headphones. There must have been something in the air that day because that song had never sounded so good, and I knew, I just knew, that I needed it on my body forever. Plus, I had the playlist on shuffle (Conan’s Complete Collection), and the song that came on right after was once again “People Watching.” I took that as a sign. (The song was added to the playlist twice, once as a single and once when the entire Superache album was added. What’s the chance that song plays back to back?!)

After that, I told my dear friend Rana my epiphany, and we began looking for a tattoo artist (since she wanted a tattoo as well). She found the location, and we did our separate research on the artists who worked there, coincidentally having the same favorite artist, who we immediately booked with. I decided to book for after my birthday in February (giving myself a whole month to wait). I knew I wanted to get my tattoo when I was 19, mostly because it sounded like a good age for a tattoo, and 18 seemed too young and irresponsible. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the tattoo three days after my 19th birthday, so maybe some of my 18th year decision making was still with me.

Rana and I weren’t able to get a tattoo appointment for the same day, so I watched her get hers first, and got mine the next day. Watching her get her tattoo got rid of almost all of my nerves, and replaced them with pure excitement. Rana got a rose on her left inner arm, and I can honestly say (not even as her friend) that it is the prettiest rose I have ever seen. The lines are so incredibly thin and the detail work is crazy good. I have truly never seen such a beautifully detailed tattoo like it before. Our artist did an amazing job.

At my appointment, I adjusted the words from the “People Watching” lyric sheet a tiny bit, in order to make the lines straighter and adjust Cone’s handwriting so it was clear enough to my liking.

I was hardly nervous. I was just so excited, and even once the tattoo needle was out, my nerves remained only a slight flicker.

Now. You know what everyone says about rib tattoos. That they hurt. I got my tattoo on the right side of my body, in a middle space between my stomach and right rib cage, so it’s visible when I wear a tiny top or a bikini. I would give the pain a 6/10. It definitely stung and was uncomfortable, but it was totally bearable. I would go through it again. Maybe if it was on my actual rib cage, on top of the bones, it would have hurt a lot more.

I was at the appointment for about an hour and fifteen minutes, but the actual tattoo process took about thirty minutes. First the artist did the outline of the words, then went back and filled them in. I focused on my breathing to distract from the stinging, and talked to my two friends who accompanied me. (I ended up paying $170 for it including tip).

Once the tattoo was done, I obviously got to look at it, and I was overjoyed. It looked so cool. The tattoo was bigger than what I originally had in mind, but in order for it to look good over time, a bigger size was necessary for it to last well, and size and location actually turned out perfect, and I had an awesome artist who I would definitely go to again and again.

Even after I got the tattoo, and still now, I can’t believe that I am actually a person with permanent ink on my body.

Future Jadey will insert info about the healing process here:

The hardest part about the first few days of healing was that it was covered in a clear bandage, so I could see the ink begin to bleed as my tattoo healed and liquid and gunk buildup under the wrap. That meant I couldn’t see my tattoo very clearly. All I wanted to do was look at it!! I kept returning to the photos I had taken in order to see it crisp and clear. I thought it might get irritated when I worked out, but it didn’t at all. (I waited until the third day to work out).

After one week I was surprised to report that everything was perfect. I took the bandage off after three days, and began a routine of washing and moisturizing the spot twice a day. I thought it might be painful, or annoying to sleep on, but that was not the case. There was no itching, and no discomfort whatsoever.

A final update: after two weeks it’s totally fine?! I thought it would itch or feel like something, but it didn’t. It did peel a bit, but it was hardly noticeable. I kept comparing the healing process to that or an ear piercing, as that was the most similar experience I had to compare it to. And let me tell you, a tattoo is way better than a piercing. I got my helix pierced four months ago, and it still hurts if I sleep on it wrong. My tattoo on the other hand is almost too easy to sleep on.

Now…the question is. Jadey. Will you get another tattoo? The answer is…

Probably.

I have a few vague ideas of what I would want, but I am in no rush whatsoever to get another. I would like to get some more piercings first, and that costs just as much as a tattoo, and unfortunately for me, my blog doesn’t make me any money, so I’ll be waiting a while for another round of anything.

Alright. That’s enough talking. Of course I love it. It’s Conan. I’m excited for it to be summer so I can show it off and see how it looks in a few months when it’s completely healed.

If you were looking for a sign to get a tattoo, this is it.

Sometimes Asexuality Makes Me Sad

Recently, I had the realization that sometimes my asexuality makes me sad.

Up until this point in time I had never really thought that. Obviously, it brings me a lot of joy, as it is something I talk about quite a lot and even created a whole blog to discuss. I talked about it a little when I made a few breakup posts, and wrote about how I feared there might not be someone out there for me because I’m ace. I still know that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t those thoughts in the back of my mind. It’s hard to know that my asexuality, something I love about myself, is a flaw to others. It’s an issue to them, rather than a feature. And I know that it limits those who want to date me. It might be challenging to find another ace person to date. And while I know it’s possible I could be happy dating an allo person, I still worry my asexuality might be a burden. That it might prevent someone from feeling fulfilled in a relationship with me. Obviously, if that was the case, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. But that would inevitably lead to quite a sad breakup.

I know my asexuality is special. I know I’m special. I know there are people out there in the world who would be so lucky to know me and be my friend, let alone date me and have the opportunity to be loved by me. Because I am so full of love. I have so much love and joy to give and I look forward to the day when I meet the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. I know it’ll be a love story for the pages. However, it’s different when I tell that to myself. It’s different when I tell myself how compassionate and cool and kind I am, compared to when someone else does. Trust me, I know there are people in my life who think this. I know my friends and family love me. They do think I’m amazing. I don’t need them to verbalize that to know it. But, it’s different when there’s something about you that is so unique, so different from the experience of those around you.

I think it brings me more sadness especially because I am a sex-averse asexual (as opposed to being sex-neutral or sex favorable). I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to do anything sexual. It would make me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I don’t even want to kiss someone on the lips.

That in itself is a whole other topic of sadness. I know I’ve written about this before, but at this point in time, I wish I was an asexual that likes kissing. I hope that desire goes away eventually. But I know it’s okay because our society is so consumed with sex and romance that it can be hard to unlearn things. I don’t need to kiss someone to experience intimacy or show my love. There are so many other ways I can do that. Even though it’s silly of me, I do hope that maybe I will meet someone and want to kiss them. Is that possibly an aphobic thing for me to think about? Probably. But oh well. I know it won’t happen and I can think whatever I want about myself. It just seems so fun and cute. Oh well.

It’s not easy being queer. And unfortunately, the longer I live out and proud as I do, the more I realize that. I live in my own little gay bubble full of joy and rainbows. I talk about being queer and make it a big part of my life because it is. It is so important to me. That is not the reality of queerness. Like many other marginalized communities, being in the queer community is full of heartache. That is the brutal reality of my life. Of my community’s life. And it’s something that isn’t going to go away. Who knows. It might never.

My asexuality makes me sad. I’m sad people don’t understand it. I’m sad it limits my relationships and dating pool. I’m sad people have so many misconceptions and stereotypes about me and my community. I’m sad there is so little asexual representation in the media. I’m sad I don’t get to experience the spark of a first kiss or the giddy experience of telling my friends a cute boy asked for my number. There are experiences I miss out on because I’m ace and queer and that is something I have to come to terms with.

Alright. That’s enough sadness for today. It maybe didn’t help that I listened to Phoebe Bridgers the whole time I wrote this.

Gender…?

Today we’re going to talk about something I rarely write about.

Gender.

Why? you ask. Well, I’ve never written about my own experience with gender for two reasons. The first one is that as a cisgender female, I felt I had little to say about my own experience as a person whose gender identity doesn’t affect the level of homophobia I face. Obviously, as a female, there are definitely issues that come with that due to our patriarchal society, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my experiences as a woman, and the problems I could possibly face, are nowhere near the struggles and oppression my trans or non-binary friends and community face. There is truly no comparison, especially since I am a white cis female.

As for the second reason…I have a very difficult time trying to explain my gender. Not because I’m not cis, but because once I start thinking about it, I end up in a crisis, and suddenly gender and stereotypes and everything around me feel made up and all I can do is sit and stare at the wall thinking about how everything around me is fake.

Now. That’s a bit dramatic. But if you really think about it, there is no way to be a man or a woman. Everything we know about “how” to be a specific gender is merely holding up stereotypes upheld by the patriarchy. And when you strip all of those away and let go of those stereotypes you are left with literally nothing. There is no way to be a certain gender. The only way to experience gender is through feelings. And yes, those stereotypes can help many people feel connected to gender through physical appearance and perception, but that only helps add to the feeling.

For example; if you identified as a male, you could feel really connected to your gender by going to the gym, wearing masculine clothing, or having a short haircut. That’s great. But, even without all of those physical identifiers or actions, you can still identify as a man. Taking away those physical traits, or ones society perceives as masculine, doesn’t take away your identity as a male. I really hope that makes sense.

Anyway, onto my own gender.

Before I dived headfirst into the LGBTQIA+ community, I had never really questioned my gender. I had always been pretty stereotypically feminine. I wore dresses and makeup and painted my nails and had long hair. Once I got to a point of understanding my sexuality and basically going with the flow of “I like who I like,” the same ended up applying to my gender.

“I feel how I feel.”

Yes. I’m a female. I use she/her pronouns. People perceive me as a female because of how my body looks and how I present myself. That’s chill.

The thing is…I don’t really care how people perceive me. I don’t need people to go out of their way to use different pronouns for me. But, if someone referred to me with gender-neutral phrases or feminine ones, I’d just be going on my merry way. Masculine phrases aren’t my favorite, but I don’t have a problem with them, and at the end of the day they’re just words. I know this is not the case for everyone, and words definitely do have an effect, but for me, it’s not the biggest deal with how people perceive my gender. And honestly, if strangers out in the world saw me and referred to me with gender-neutral pronouns because they didn’t know how I identified, I would prefer that, because that is making a more accepting space for those who aren’t cisgender.

Additionally, stereotypically feminine things don’t necessarily make me feel more feminine. I paint my nails and wear makeup because it makes me feel like me. Not because it makes me feel more like a woman, maybe it does subconsciously, but I have never put on a dress and felt more like a woman. Plus, literally anyone of any gender could paint their nails or wear eyeliner and that doesn’t make them female.

I’m just me. I’m just a person living on planet earth going through life. I don’t need labels for how I exist. I’m doing just that. Existing.