What makes someone cool? Is it personal opinion, or societally constructed? Do different cultures have varying views on what makes someone cool, or is there a universal cool? Why are certain qualities deemed uncool?

Recently I was talking to some friends, and as people do, we were discussing the people we go to school with. I run my queer club on campus and we started talking about the members in this club. Like with any social organization, there are always people you like more than others, and we got on the topic of who was cool and uncool. These friends of mine deemed a lot of the people who attend my club as uncool, but to me, a majority of my members are super cool people. 

The people my friends deemed cool seemed to be conventionally attractive, cisgender or cis-passing people. They weren’t super alternative in their looks, and could arguably be heterosexual passing. Now, of course everyone is allowed to have their own opinions. And these friends did just happen to find more traditionally attractive people cool. But that got me thinking. Why were these heterosexual/cisgender looking people cool? Was it personal preference, internalized homophobia, the media’s standards of beauty? There could be many reasons, but I wondered what makes someone, especially a queer person, cool? 

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to break this down into four categories. First, what society (western standards) deem as a “cool” gay person, and what society deems as “uncool.” Then we’re going to discuss Jadey’s version of “cool” and “uncool” gay people.

Now, first we have to address a few things. What does being “cool” mean? 

When I Google the slang definition of cool, the general consensus I gathered is that someone who is cool has a certain attitude, behavior, or style that is admirable to a certain group or society and appeals to social norms. So, this definition could change depending on who you are, where you are, etc, but it has largely to do with “fitting it” and appealing to social norms. However, there is a bit of edge to a cool person. They are confident, but they have a certain sense of autonomy and are distancing themselves from authority. Being identified as cool usually appeals to younger generations. 

Okay. Awesome. So what is my definition of cool? 

When I think of someone who is cool I think of someone confident. They are sure of themselves. They don’t care what others think. They are a kind and respectful individual but they also stand up for what they believe in. They’re not afraid to be outspoken and have people disagree with them. Cool people have a unique sense of style and self. To me, a cool person is politically active, has an alternative edgy style, has niche interests and hobbies, and is (though they don’t have to be) queer. 

And, we have to acknowledge that in contemporary Western society it is never “cool” to be gay.

Now that that’s out of the way, that brings me to another question. Why do we “other” people in an already minority community? Why do some queer people feel that they have the authority to feel superior to other queer people? 

I think the main reason is that queer people who “other” people in their own community are struggling with internalized homophobia. They might see themselves as a “normal” queer person, someone who is quiet about their queerness. They think that loud gay people are doing a disservice to the community. That if these loud gays were quieter, if they weren’t loud and flamboyant or polyamorous or trans or used neo pronouns or was a furry, that straight people would respect these so called “normal” gays. But the truth of the matter is, no queer person is ever going to be normal in the eyes of a cishet society.  

What Society Deems as “Uncool”

1. Trans and GNC People 

People who are not cis are not cool. People who go against the gender binary are not cool. The exception to this might be cis passing trans people where those around them don’t know they are trans. Once this is found out about them they are deemed uncool. So, this means that anyone who is not transexual (be it non-binary, agender, genderfluid, androgynous, etc) are never going to be cool. Breaking the traditional gender binary goes against everything the patriarchy has in place to subordinate minorities. Very uncool. 

2. Loud and Proud Gays

Our patriarchal and homophobic society does not like queer people who are loud about their identity. Why? Because these people are hard to control. This can be the kind of gay person who is flamboyant and extroverted, or alternatively dressed and heavily active in politics. The only good gay person is the silent one. 

3. Unconventionally Attractive and/or Alternative Gays (including those who might be disabled or neurodivergent) 

White, cishet passing, able-bodied queer people are the only ones who might be allowed to be queer in public. Being neurodivergent, disabled, or a person of color, anything that already others you is not cool, and once you mix that with queerness, god forbid! This definitely has to do with white supremacy but that’s another conversation. 

What Society Deems as “Cool” Gays

1. Cisgender and Heterosexual Passing Gays

The type of gay people society thinks is cool is the people who aren’t read as gay. These people are conventionally attractive. They fit into gender roles and expectations. They aren’t alternative in their style. This is the kind of person who is your everyday Joe. All in all, these people pass as cishet. 

2. Gay, but not Queer 

The more acceptable type of gay person in American society is the gay person who subscribes to the American ideal. They have a house and white picket fence. They are not vocal about their queerness. They join the PTA and the HOA. They aren’t friends with other queer people. They’re in a nuclear family unit. The acceptable type of gay person is a gay person who hides their queerness and assimilates into straight cisgender roles and expectations. 

When I say a person is gay, but not queer, I mean that they do experience attraction to the same gender but they do not participate in unconventional familial, household, or relationship roles. When a person is queer, this shows up in their daily life. They probably have radical views of gender and sexuality. They don’t subscribe to traditional gender roles in relationships and if they do, it’s a choice, not from outside pressure. 

What Jadey Deems as “Uncool” Gays

1. Uneducated Gays

People who identify somewhere on the spectrum of LGBTQIA+ but don’t know queer history. These are people who realize they are gay and stop there. They don’t know about Stonewall or other micro identities or neo pronouns and why the L is at the start of the acronym. Basically, they ignore the struggle and hardship of their queer elders. 

2. Homophobic Gay People

Listen. Homophobia can get the best of us. But identifying as gay and disliking other people for being queer (usually too queer or trans) is problematic. We live in a homophobic society, it is understandable to internalize those messages and subject them to yourself and others. But, if you’re not doing the work to overcome that, then you’re contributing to the issue, which is not cool. 

3. Gay, but not Queer 

I have a really hard time being around people who are gay but not queer. These are gay people who think they have the right to speak on queer issues just because they’re gay when in reality, they know nothing about the subject. Just because I’ve taken an algebra class doesn’t mean I have the right to tell you your calculus is wrong. 

4. Gays with a Victim Complex

These are the people I think the right would call “snowflakes.” These are gay people who think every single bad thing to happen to them is an act of homophobia. These people make everything centered around their queerness. These people expect everyone to know everything about queerness. They get pissed off at someone who slips up on pronouns even though they’re trying their best. This is the gay person who says they hate straight people. 

The kind of gay people I don’t like are the ones who are constantly playing the victim card. These are the people who are completely convinced every single bad thing to happen to them is pure oppression just because they are gay. Like, no Samantha, that person doesn’t like you because you’re annoying, not because you’re gay. 

What Jadey Deems as “Cool” Gays

1. Gays Educated in Queer History.

If you’re educated about queer topics, you’re cool. Because if you’ve educated yourself on a variety of queer history, it’s very likely you’ve gotten a variety of stories and perspectives of the queer experience and therefore have become a more educated, well-rounded, empathetic person.

2. Gays Educated in Queer Media 

This goes with the above topic. Listen, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to exclusively listen to queer artists or consume queer art and media. Unless you’re me that is. But, it’s important to know who is trailblazing in your community and making it easier and more accepted for you to live your life as an out and proud queer person. 

3. Queer, not Gay

At this point I’ve repeated myself enough so I’ll only say this: people who are simply “gay” and not “queer” are trapped in patriarchal bounds. They’re trying to appeal to a system that will never accept them and was made to erase them. That’s not cool. 

My asexuality (and my lesbianism) has played a huge role in how I identify as queer. Just my asexuality alone makes every romantic relationship I am in queer because it is an unconventional relationship. There’s no sex. Romance is prioritized. Other forms of affection are prioritized. 

I prioritize being in queer spaces and hanging out with queer people. I consume queer media. It’s important to me to know about my community and the complexity in it because the diversity is what makes it cool and unique and beautiful. How boring it would be to just be gay. Being queer is complex, and it’s really cool. 

4. Confident and Outspoken Gays

It is cool to be proud of who you are. Why? Because it creates space for your identity to be normalized and makes other people feel confident in who they are. I always think back to the out queer kids I knew in high school when I was figuring out my identity and I thought these people were the coolest kids ever. I wanted to be their friend. Seeing people like you exist is crucial to accepting your differences and identity. Simply existing as a queer person is a protest in itself. 

5. Social and Political Activity 

Queer people who are active not only politically, but socially as well in their community. These are people who hang out with other queer people. They consume queer media. They make an effort to support queer business. They go to drag shows and support queer art. These people are making a difference for the wider queer community. 

6. Multi-layered Queerness 

The coolest type of queer person you can be is the queer person who understands (or is trying to understand) the multilayered complexity to your queerness. Because your queerness and sexuality isn’t just who you feel sexual attraction to (or in my case, don’t). There are so many types of ways to feel attraction: romantic, sexual, emotional, sensual, intellectual. The list goes on and on. Sure, you could identify as gay, but what does that mean? Being a cool gay is being aware of the complexity and layers to your identity. How does your sexual and romantic attraction to people affect your relationship dynamics? Plus, your sexuality can totally impact how you experience gender. How is your gender and sexuality different? How do they overlap and intertwine? 

Anyway, It’s cool to be queer. Who knew one conversation with some friends would turn into a full blown blog post and become such a nuanced conversation. 

Look who’s back. It’s been a while since my last blog post, I know. In fact, this whole year my blog has lacked the consistency of the near weekly posts I made during my first year of blogging. I do think about it pretty often, wondering why my consistency has lacked. 

“Oh Jadey,” I ask myself, “why haven’t you posted on your blog?”

And in return, the little Jadey in my mind simply says, “I don’t have anything to say.” 

I started this blog a mere few months after I came out. I was dealing with what it was like to be a queer person in the world. I was learning what my queerness and my asexuality meant to me. I was in my first relationship. I dealt with my first breakup. I started college and attended queer club meetings and I continued to find out more about my queer identity.

This past year I made a queer friend group that quickly became one of the most important things in my life. I applied to be the president of my campus’s gay club and got the job, which I’ll start in the fall. I’ve continued to find confidence within my identity, and now, I have found a quite cliche amount of “inner peace,” if you will. 

My queerness has simply rooted itself deep in my bones and blossomed in a way of fact. I no longer feel confusion or difficulty in my queerness. Being queer, though a huge part of my life, has settled in a way I never expected. 

And because of that, I have not had much to say to the public. But in reality, I find that an incredibly happy thing. My blog was once an outlet for all of my confusion and frustration and queer joy I was feeling for the first time. I needed a way to express myself instead of keeping my feelings bottled in. My blog became a diary of sorts, and the simple act of writing helped me articulate major life events. And it just so happens that I posted it on the internet for anyone to read. 

Now of course, you never know what the future holds. In a month or two, something absolutely crazy could happen, and I could be writing pages and pages of advice and experiences and questions and music recommendations. But for now, all of this is to say, I’m at an incredibly joyful, comfortable place in my queerness. 

I still identify as ace, and can never see that changing. I’ve let a few labels swim around here in there for my romantic orientation, but for now, I still find joy in being unlabeled, and using queer as an umbrella term. As the love of my life Conan Gray says, I “don’t give a fuck about labels.” 

I’ve become more clear in how I feel as a queer girl, no longer worrying about labels to articulate my gender. Recently I’ve realized that at the start of my queerness, I changed my style to outwardly show my queerness to other people. Although I still do that, and find that it suits me best, I still love to lean hyper-femme, and have started to embrace that more. 

I’ve been reading tons of queer novels, watching queer shows, and writing tons of short stories over the summer, obviously starring queer, and usually ace, characters. 

So, that’s my update for you all. A quite joyous one I do have to say. Who knows what the future holds, this could be an update for the next few months, or the start of an explosion of blog posts. 

Until then, stay gay!