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The Top 5 Most Asexual Songs I (an asexual) Have Ever Heard:

Considering I’m working towards a degree in English, I figured I might as well put my analysis skills to use in order to share my five favorite ace songs.

1. We’ll Never Have Sex – Leith Ross

We’re starting off this blog post with the only song on this list actually written about asexuality. Due to that reason, this song holds a special place in my heart, and obviously has to be placed at spot number one. 

“Oh you kissed me just to kiss me/Not to take me home” 

There is something about asexual love that I find quite pure and genuine. I think this line captures that beautifully, illustrating a kiss truly out of love and affection, rather than sexual desire without intimacy attached.

“I don’t wonder about your indifference” 

There is a great deal of indifference in many aces feelings towards sex or romance. As someone dating an aromantic, I find this line especially relatable and heartfelt. Even though I, or others, may not experience attraction the same way as many others, that doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. Emotions don’t need to be passionate and strong to be valid. Indifference can be just as beautiful.

“If I said you could never touch me/You’d come over and say I looked lovely”

THIS LINE. I could cry every time I hear it. The overwhelming love and respect in this one line has me screaming, crying, and throwing up.

“Come and kiss me, pretty baby/Like we’ll never have sex”

A kiss that won’t lead to anything else!! With no expectations!! It’s just out of love!!

2. It’s Nice to Have a Friend – Taylor Swift (honorable mention: cowboy like me) 

“Something gave you the nerve/To touch my hand/It’s nice to have a friend”

This is the perfect line to describe alterous attraction. There’s a hint of romance, yet immediately followed is platonic attraction. 

“Call my bluff, call you ‘babe’”

As the song progresses, so does this relationship, going from childhood school friends to something more intimate that hints towards romance: a relatable and wholesome piece. 

“…stay in bed/The whole weekend”

This is the dream. 

3. Like Real People Do – Hozier

“Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips/We should just kiss like real people do”

Even though I don’t experience sexual attraction, that doesn’t mean some aspects of it don’t appeal to me. The butterflies of a first kiss. The anticipation and romance that comes with it. Maybe I should pretend to be like “real people” and try it myself. 

4. Crush Culture – Conan Gray (honorable mention: People Watching)

“I don’t care if I’m forever alone/I’m not falling for you/’Cause this baby is loveproof”

I don’t care what anyone has to say, Cone wrote this song for the aromantics. 

“Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out”

Another line for my romance repulsed aros. 

Can we talk about the imagery in this line though? The hyperbole?! Conan said so much with just a simple line. We stan. 

“I’m sick of the kissing cult”

The energy spent questioning every single interaction with your crush, every text message, wondering what to wear or what to say. It all seems exhausting. If I could get sick of hearing about it, I can’t imagine hearing about all of your friends or peers conquests when you want that to happen to you. 

I’ve personally never felt pressured to join in on these stereotypical high school experiences, having a romantic first kiss being one of them. That’s probably because I think kissing is gross. Why on earth would I want to press my lips on someone elses and have their saliva on me?!  I have no idea. I truly can’t see the appeal no matter how hard I try. I see the love in couples eyes when they do it!! I do!! It’s just not for me. 

I guess that makes me, as well as Cone, sick of the kissing cult. 

5. Broken – lovelytheband

“I like that you’re broken, broken like me/Maybe that makes me a fool/I like that you’re lonely, lonely like me/I could be lonely with you”

There’s a strange sense of irony with being queer. As much as queer existance has to do with community, it is in fact, quite isolating. At times it is very easy to feel alone. Especially with asexuality, the so-called “invisible orientation,” makes it very easy to feel isolated. It can feel like there is no one who understands your experience. The way you personally experience attraction. Yet, we have to remember that there are people out there who understand you completely, and hopefully we’ll all be able to meet one and find comfort together through our loneliness. 

I love how these lines show hope for meeting that right person, if a partner is something you’re looking for. Even though society has called me broken for being asexual, maybe I, or other a-spec people, could find each other, and find comfort together in the loneliness we felt for so long. 

“Think I could love you, but I’m not sure”

THIS. This is the ace experience. 

I can love you, but is it in the way you love me? Is it enough for you? Is it okay that I love you differently? The way I love other people? I’m not sure. 

This line encapsulates those questions, that confusion, perfectly. 

For more songs and ace vibes: 

Jadey’s Ace Playlist  

If you know of any other songs by asexual artists, or that have ace vibes, I will gladly take any recommendations. 🙂

Turns Out I’m Aro-spec Too!

I’ll be the first to admit, there is nothing more frustrating than being in the midst of a sexuality crisis and being told, “You’ll figure it out when you’re in a relationship.” 

First of all, there’s a good chance you’re not in a relationship. Secondly, I want to figure out my sexuality immediately. And if you are in a relationship, it’s perfectly valid to not understand what you’re feeling, or for the aro-spec community, not feeling.

This conversation happened when I was figuring out my asexuality, and was little to no help. 

Unfortunately for the possible confused aro-spec reading this, I did come to the conclusion about my aro-spec identity while in a relationship. So here’s your warning now: this might be of zero help.

Before and after I identified as asexual, I didn’t worry about my romantic attraction; feeling very certain I was alloromantic. I loved romance novels and movies. I wanted to, in the wise words of Conan Gray, “feel all that love and emotion”. Although I had never been in a relationship, I was positive it would feel like everything my favorite authors had described, minus the sex of course.

This was not the case.

Once I entered a QPR with my aroace partner, I was shocked by how much platonic attraction I felt. The love I felt for her was completely different from my other friends, yet there were still platonic undertones mixed amongst the romance. I did, and still do, refer to my partner as my friend or best friend. Usually this is in my head, as only a handful of people know she is my girlfriend, and referring to her as my friend would make things more complicated. Plus, it would only add to the assumption that I was straight, and therefore obviously looking for a nice boy to date. 

Calling our relationship a QPR felt right to me. There is no romantic attraction on my partners half, and absolutely zero sexual attraction between the both of us. Using a different term for our relationship fits us. 

Unfortunately for me, it drove me straight into an aromantic crisis. 

One day, as I read the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, the thought dawned on me that I might be gray-romantic after reading a chapter on aromanticism. The feelings I had for my girlfriend were platonic, but also romantic. These two attractions were marbled together, sometimes separate, sometimes impossible to tell apart. Upon further research, the label didn’t seem to fit me in the way I wanted, so I dropped the investigation.

A few months later, demi-romanticism crossed my mind, and suddenly I was in the very center of a full blown sexuality crisis in the middle of a workout, sweaty and out of breath at the gym. As soon as I got home I researched the identity, texting my allo friend any and all questions I had, as well as my aromantic girlfriend, my mind going a million miles a minute. I kept this label as a possibility in the back of my head, deciding if I had to describe my romantic orientation that was a word I could use. It wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t in love with the flag, but it was a possibility.

I was still unsure. I knew my feelings were different from what alloromantics were feeling, and the idea that my romantic attraction was on the aro spectrum made sense while validating my feelings.

My feelings for my QPP felt platonic and romantic, yet I couldn’t find a word to describe it.

When I googled it I found no solid answer. Only articles from allos about what romantic attraction feels like, and quizzes about how to tell if you were in love.

Eventually, I scrolled on Instagram, and was reminded that the term alterous existed. 

I truly felt like the dumbest person alive. 

Many times I had previously read the term, related to it, and even had conversations about it with my girlfriend. How I had completely forgotten this label existed I have no idea. In my defense, there are quite a few to keep up with. 

Sighing, I realized this was a term I was definitely going to use. Unfortunately, the more I researched it, with what little information there was, I realized it was common to put a prefix in front of the term. 

God damnit. 

That was the one thing I hadn’t figured out. Bi-alterous didn’t feel right. Homo-alterous seemed too restrictive to one gender. Pan-alterous was better, but I certainly had a preference for girls. That led me to omni-alterous, but then again, was I actually attracted to all genders? Men oftentimes didn’t do it for me. 

I was back to the same old conclusion, I didn’t need to label my oriented attraction. 

Here’s a few ways I came to this conclusion: 

  • With previous crushes I already knew I never had experienced sexual attraction to them. This left me with romantic attraction, however, I had honestly just wanted to be friends with them, with a few added benefits of hand holding and possible cuddling.
  • With my current QPP it felt natural to call her my girlfriend as well as my best friend. 
  • I found comfort in the idea that my identity was on the aromantic spectrum.
  • I often couldn’t tell the difference between what felt platonic and romantic in our relationship. 
  • I identified with the friends to lovers trope.
  • The label alterous was one that I immediately clicked with, something I had never had with other labels. 

There it is. An alterous asexual. That’s me. For someone who wasn’t a fan of labels, I sure seemed to be collecting more and more.

How I Figured Out I Was Asexual and Queer

As the new owner of a gay blog, it is only fitting that I tell the long and exhausting story of how I realized I was very, very gay. 

I saw a TikTok from a friend at the time, probably sometime in the early fall of 2020. In the caption it said she was bi. And my immediate super straight and normal thought was, “I wish I was bi. I wish I could come out.” 

Yeah. A very straight person thing to think.

My sexuality crisis began during the start of my junior year of high school. 

Do I like girls? 

That was the age-old question. I knew I liked boys. I had in the past. Heck, I had been on two dates with a boy I genuinely liked. I was, and still am, certain it was not comphet. The weeks passed as I spent my nights laying in bed questioning my sexuality in the comfort of my room, alone with my thoughts. Eventually, I would settle back into the idea that I was straight for a week or two, only to end up questioning that again. I was terrified of claiming to be a part of a community that faced so much oppression, only to later come to the conclusion that I was wrong.

Here are some of the things I spent my time thinking about:

Could I like a girl romantically? 

Am I straight, or has society just forced me to believe I am? 

Physically, I could kiss a girl. But would I actually enjoy it? 

I knew I liked boys. 

Was I bi? If I was bi then I might as well be pan or omni. 

I was 17, shouldn’t I know by now?

Do I want a girlfriend? 

I could call myself bi-curious, but do I really like labels? 

I felt like I related to the queer community. Did I relate to them, or their beliefs and values because they lined up with my political ideology? 

If I liked girls, I definitely had a strong preference for men. 

After about six months filled with many informational YouTube videos, research, and ‘Am I Gay?’ quizzes, I eventually figured out that gender didn’t matter to me. What I really wanted was to be in love. (This definitely has to do with my asexuality and sex-aversion, I just hadn’t realized it at the time.)  Not labeling my sexuality felt like the most comfortable option, as well as occasionally calling myself queer, all in the safety and judgement free zone that was my head. 

We can thank social media for opening my eyes to queer people and the beauty that is the gay side of TikTok.

Here are a list of things that made me realize I was in fact, not straight at all:

– Girls are very pretty. 

– I realized all of the people I wanted to get close to throughout my life, or thought were cool, are queer.

– I had a phase in middle school where I loved rainbows and unicorns. While the unicorn phase did eventually fade away, my love for rainbows lasted. This was definitely a subconscious comfort with the pride flag and what it stands for. 

– I wanted to dress gay. Flannels, cuffed jeans, Converse. I was aware of the fact that that was not a very straight person thing to do. I didn’t need straight people to know I was queer, I needed to walk down an isle at the grocery store and know other queer people knew I was one of them.

– I was a very passionate ally.

– I watched practically all of the queer documentaries on Netflix.

– I read LGBTQIA+ books because I found them “super interesting that people had such different lives than me.” Subconscious queer awakening? I think yes.

Spoiler alert: straight people aren’t obsessed with gay people.

As time went on I began to realize I liked boys less and less. One day I thought about marrying a man, and was utterly disappointed at that thought. I texted a friend about this, and she responded with, “Oh no. That’s very gay.” My boy preference was gone, and was left with a minute liking of them, now with a very strong preference for people who were not men. 

During this crisis there was a very pretty red-headed girl I began to crush on during my junior year, but taking online classes made it easy for me to avoid confronting my feelings.  When we returned to in-person learning, I did in fact like her. Yeah. A real crush on a girl. No denying I was gay. We can ignore the fact that I only spoke one sentence to her. 

Eventually that crush faded towards the end of the school year, leaving room in my now empty brain for an asexuality crisis.

During the summer was when I revealed to my sister that I had been crushing on a girl during a late night talk while on vacation with our best friend. Now she knew, as well as my best friend who I had previously confided in. However, I still hadn’t told my only other queer friend about my crush on the red-head! Once back from vacation, I told her all about it while sitting on her front porch, and we had a true heart to heart about our experiences as queer individuals. 

After this conversation, the lists began. 

There are some things that are only in person conversations. I began to start writing lists of my own thoughts, opinions, confusion, and topics I wanted to share and discuss with my queer friend, who is asexual and aromantic, as well as into girls. Let me tell you, my lists were long and plenty. Every few months we would sleepover or get together and go over a new list I had created. She often agreed with everything I had there, oftentimes giving me unintentional good advice, while managing to say everything I needed to hear. 

Through these lists and conversations with another ace person, I came to the conclusion that I was asexual due to the following  reasons:

– I had no clue what sexual attraction was.

– I related to other ace people. 

– Sex was something I never thought about actively doing, and if I did, it was something I would do later in life.

– If I had sex, it would be very vanilla. I had no reason to want more.

– One night as I laid in bed, I woke up with a start. I had a realization that I had never wanted to kiss a crush. Heck, I had never thought about doing anything slightly sexual with the few crushes I had previosuly had, which I was certain was not what most people felt.

– I wanted to be friends with my past crushes. Hold hands. Cuddle. It had never crossed my mind to do anything past that. 

– Other labels such as bisexual or lesbian didn’t feel right because they suggested a relationship that involved sex or sexual attraction.

– It had never occurred to me that people had genuine celebrity crushes, and took the idea of a hall pass seriously.

– If I thought of a sexual situation it never involved myself, and always two made up characters I created that had the possibility to turn into a short story or novel, as I’m clearly very into writing.

It was extremely helpful to know another ace person during this time, and I’m eternally grateful to be able to have come through my journey with this friend. Also thanks to these chats, I became a huge fan of lists, as they are clearly the best way to organize one’s thoughts, so they must appear in every blog post. You’re welcome. 

In the spring I eventually came to terms with using the label asexual, and came out to my friend, who I had promised would be the first person to know if I ever labeled my sexuality. 

Since then I have become more comfortable with the label asexual, as well as other terms such as gay or queer.

This aroace friend of mine eventually turned into my Queer Platonic Partner, where I noticed my attraction to her was platonic as well as romantic. I began to label my romantic orientation as alterous; a desire to be emotionally close to someone that is neither exclusively platonic or wholly romantic. 

After saying all of that, I really don’t focus on labels. Calling myself ace has become something I am comfortable and confident in. (Clearly, I started a whole blog about it.) If someone asked, I could describe my romantic attraction, however I don’t feel an overwhelming desire to focus on it. 

Okay. It’s quite exhausting to relive all of my gay confusion. To any baby gays or aces reading this, I hope it was slightly helpful. And remember, labels are tools to use to help you feel comfortable in your identity, you can use whatever labels you want, or none at all. ❤

An Introduction:

It seems to be that every asexual has scoured the internet searching for more information about their identity. With information brings validation and comfort. Binge watching the select few ace YouTubers. Reading every inch of AVEN’s quorums. Finding the only real results of personal experiences from other aces on Reddit.

And after all of that is said and done, I seem to sit here with some more comfort than where I started, but that empty feeling is still there. Muted, but present. 

It’s an unspoken rite of passage to find an asexual community online. However, it’s difficult to find true connections. Sometimes all you need is an ear to listen. A TikTok to send someone. A text to a friend with yet another way allos confuse you. There are in fact limits to the internet. What every asexual needs, in my humble opinion, is another asexual. 

So, here I am! 

After hunting around the internet I found no solid answer in what I was looking for. A blog of a fellow ace, just talking about their personal experiences. One that was up and running, with somewhat recent posts. Preferably something besides a 2010 tumblr phase. 

How did my hypothetical blogger realize they were ace? What was their favorite song with ace vibes? What character were they convinced was queer coded? What were their ace book recs? How do their relationships work, QPR or not? 

When I couldn’t find such a thing, it became clear I must create my own. 

Hi. I’m Jadey. I’m 18. Asexual. I’m attending a tiny private liberal arts school to study English with a minor in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I have two cats. I love cake. I’m in love with Conan Gray. I CrossFit and paint my nails all the time. I want to be a writer and this is my starting place. I’m out to my family and friends and now the whole internet. I’m in a QPR with the most amazing person who I love an indescribable amount. I don’t know how long blog posts are supposed to be or how they really work so I think this is enough for a silly little blog post about my silly little ace life. Hopefully someone finds this and it’s exactly what they were looking for.