I thought it would be fun to do a little Q&A on the blog, except I had one problem. I have no one to ask me lots of questions. And, I figured if I just Googled “questions people have about asexuality” I would get a bunch of boring repetitive questions I didn’t want to answer. So, I decided to copy the Genius YouTube channel and pretend I was a super famous celebrity and answer the web’s most searched questions about asexuality. In order to do this all I did was put in prompts to a question into Google and choose some of the suggested responses that came up. So…here we go. 

The first prompt: why do asexuals…

1. Why do asexuals like cake?

One day on the internet years ago a random ace on AVEN said that asexuals like cake more than sex. And they were right. A lot of asexuals (not all) would most definitely prefer to eat cake than have sex. This became a meme of sorts, and people ran with it, and it became a joke, or a stereotype of sorts that aces love cake. It’s true. I love cake. 

2. Why do asexuals wear black rings?

A black ring on the middle finger of your right hand is a symbol of asexuality. From what I’ve found on the web, this started on an AVEN quorum in 2005, where someone asked what a way to suggest asexuality through clothing was, and thus ace rings were born. 

(I found the original discussion here). 

3. Why do asexuals like garlic bread? 

Same with the cake thing. Aces would rather eat garlic bread than have sex. I believe this is for the aces that don’t like cake. They can have bread instead!

4. Why do asexuals hate Denmark? 

We don’t hate Denmark. Because asexuality is such a small community, lots of aces go online (as I have) to meet other aces and find validation. Similar to the garlic bread/cake thing, this started as a meme. Someone made a meme stating that since approximately 1% (it’s actually more) of the population is ace, that means there are more ace people than the amount of people who live in Denmark…so if we invaded them for some reason it’s likely that we could win. Other aces might tell you that Denmark is full of bread and cake. This might be true, but I’ve never been to Denmark so I can’t fact check that. 

The second prompt: can asexuals…

5. Can asexuals have crushes?

Yes. 

I don’t know if this is a me thing, or an ace thing, or a combination of both, but when I have a crush on someone it usually lasts for an embarrassing amount of time. I have never been one of those people to have a new crush every week. I can count the people I’ve liked on one hand. So yes, aces definitely have crushes, just without the sexual attraction bit. 

6. Can asexuality be fixed?

NO. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and it cannot be fixed with conversion therapy. Additionally, asexuality, unlike other sexual orientations, is often medicalized, because people think we can be fixed because there is something wrong with our brain that makes us not want sex. Asexuality is not a disease, or an illness, or something that can be cured. It is simply how people are!

7. Can asexuals kiss?

Yes. Some asexuals like kissing, some don’t. I fall in that weird in between category where I wouldn’t be comfortable kissing someone on the lips (*sigh* I really wish I did) but I feel comfortable kissing my hypothetical significant other on the cheek or forehead, or possibly other body parts (arm, hand, etc). 

The third prompt: what do asexuals…

8. What do asexuals wear? 

I would assume the answer to this would be black rings. But my answer would be super hot and sexy outfits usually in the color scheme of the ace flag. 

The fourth prompt: does asexuality…

9. Does asexuality exist in humans?

Yes. Duh. 

10. Does asexuality run in families?

No. Just like any other sexuality or gender identity, queerness is not genetic. It’s just how people are. 

11. Does asexuality come from trauma?

Sometimes, it is possible that someone can identify as asexual due to some sort of trauma that has caused them to no longer want sexual interaction or experience sexual attraction. However, this is usually not the case, and it is unfortunately a pretty common assumption that asexuality is something wrong with you, or caused by something, when in reality it is just the way some people are. 

Oh the internet. How silly you are. If you took anything away from this post I hope it was that asexuality is just how people are, and it is not caused by something. Also, asexuals are hot and sexy and slay. 

One day a few years ago I decided that I wanted to get over one of my biggest insecurities. Like most people, especially teenage girls, I was insecure about how my stomach looked. It is honestly a bit strange to say your insecurities out loud, and it feels incredibly vulnerable, even though I know for a fact that each and every one of my friends, and probably everyone in my life could agree that their body, especially their stomach, is a big insecurity. This is also quite silly because in middle school and high school, and honestly now, I was/am a very petite person. Although I have grown and gotten lots of gains from CrossFit, I stand at a whole five feet two inches. There was nothing big about me; especially my stomach, yet I thought there was. So, I decided I was going to change my negative self-talk into positive self-talk, and spend all of that negative energy on something positive, which was complimenting myself and my appearance. Without even realizing it, that change snowballed into so many parts of my life, and I can now confidently say (oh wow look a pun) that I am a confident and self-assured person. In a way, it is that simple, but it’s also incredibly hard to suddenly change your thoughts, and it doesn’t happen overnight. So, as I usually do, I decided to make a list and tell you all how I found confidence in myself, my sexuality, and additionally, not labeling my sexuality. 

1. Positive Self Talk (you’re hot and sexy)

One day I started joking that I was perfect. Did I steal this joke from the love of my life, Conan Gray? Why yes, of course I did. I thought it was funny, and eventually I began expanding that joke, and adding more positive adjectives after calling myself perfect (sarcastically of course). 

Here’s an example:

“Wow Jadey, your blog is so funny”

“Thank you so much I actually won a Nobel Prize for how funny and amazing it is.”

Is this a joke? Yes. Do I actually think I’m hot and sexy and am amazing at everything? Well…yes. I made this joke so many times that it became true. Now, am I actually perfect? No. Because perfection doesn’t exist. But perfect people don’t go around saying they’re not actually perfect. They go around knowing they’re good at everything and can do whatever they put their mind to. And if they make a mistake, or they aren’t good at something right away, it’s okay because they’ll get better and they’re great at everything else.

For example, I have a list of things I am not perfect at (to stay humble, obviously). And on that list is one single item. That one item is wrapping presents. I am not good at wrapping presents. The paper always folds weird and I cut the wrong size and the sides aren’t smooth and it looks bad. But all I do is simply remind myself that I’m an amazing writer and am a super funny and kind and amazing person who slays everyday so I don’t have to be perfect at wrapping presents. Plus, the more presents I wrap, the better I get, and one day I will be the best present wrapper to ever exist. 

Now, thinking I’m perfect is completely different than thinking I’m better than everyone else. I’m not. There are people out there who are better writers than me. There are people who are smarter than me. And even though it’s hard to believe, there are people (maybe just one or two) who are funnier than me. That’s just a fact of life. There’s people who are better than you at things and that’s okay.

2. Fake it Till You Make it

To summarize basically everything I just said in the above point, you have to fake it until you make it. I know. This is what everyone says, and they’re right. All you have to do is fake confidence until you have it. It does not matter what anyone thinks about you. It doesn’t affect you. What you’re wearing, what you’re saying, what you’re doing. It doesn’t affect anyone else besides yourself. So, do whatever you want. 

3. Act The Cool Person Part

You know when you see someone, and they’re just cool? If this scenario involved me, I would probably think this when I saw someone with a cool sense of style. Dyed hair or a cool haircut. Facial piercings or an edgy tattoo. And I think to myself, they look so cool. All you have to do is tell yourself you are. For example, everything I do is cool:

I have a blog. That is so cool and creative of me.

I have a YouTube channel. That is so artsy film girly of me.

I do CrossFit and Olympic weight lifting. How many teens do that? Not a lot. That is so strong and unique and slay of me.

I have dyed hair and my helix pierced and listen to Conan Gray. That’s cool. 

I’m asexual and queer. How many people get to experience life and attraction like me? Not a lot. That is so cool!!!

If you tell yourself that you and your abilities and your unique aspects are cool, you’ll eventually believe it and won’t worry about what anyone else thinks. 

4. Romanticize Being Gay

I said I would talk about how I am so confident in my sexuality as well my personal self. I think we got the latter out of the way. I know how hard it can be to be queer. To want the “easy” life everyone else has. To not have to face rejection and homophobia. It’s not easy being in this community. However, it really helps to focus on the good parts. Or, make a blog. Writing about my life and sharing it with others has allowed me to reflect on everything I love about being queer. Finding an outlet, whether that’s a blog, YouTube channel, or just a friend, can be super beneficial to express all of the positives in your life.

The key thing to do is romanticize being gay. I LOVE being gay. It is so amazing that I get to experience life differently from a majority of people. I am so in tune with my feelings and sexuality in a way other people are not. I get to form bonds with other queer people, specifically other ace queer people, just by existing. I feel this way and it puts me in a spot to just get other ace people. We have an undeniable connection that heterosexuals don’t get. Plus, it would be so boring to be straight. Everything is straight. It is so boring and basic.  It is so fun to talk about being gay. To listen to gay music. To read gay books. To “look” gay. 

Plus, one day I get to have a cute little gay life and marry a pretty person and live in a cottage and write novels and live happily ever after. 

I know it can be difficult for people to not label their sexuality and feel “queer enough.” To that I say, there is no correct way to be queer. If you’re not cis or straight or allo, or any combination of those, you are queer if that is a label you like. You get to choose how you identify and no one can take that away from you. I find so much comfort in being unlabeled. It makes me feel like the most accurate version of myself when I don’t put words on my romantic orientation. And as for my asexuality, I have always found it a quite charming and unique part of myself that I choose to love. Plus, it’s super fun to make sex jokes for the added irony. They never get old. 

5. Don’t Let Others Have a Say

I spent almost two years reflecting on and thinking about my sexuality. When I finally came out, I knew what my sexuality was, because I had lived with it for two years, and kept it to myself. I had practically no one else (besides my editor) to talk about my queerness with. Because of that, I was able to form my own opinions and truly understand my feelings, so when it came to other people’s negative opinions, I had absolutely zero time for that. 

Here’s an example:

Random person: “Ew Jadey asexuality is weird.”

Jadey: “That’s aphobic and I’m not having this conversation right now.” 

Now, you don’t have to be that blunt about it. You could have a conversation with someone and tell them why what they said might not be okay. Or yes, I do feel this way, and no, it’s not a phase. But remember folks. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality or gender or the way you feel. Your feelings are valid and they are yours. No one can take that away from you. 

If someone has a problem with you, that is on them. It has nothing to do with you. It’s your world. At the end of the day, the most important person in my life is me. If I’m not happy, if I’m not healthy and content, then that is something that needs to be fixed. I am living the one life I have, and I better make myself, the one body and mind I have, the priority. 

6. Remember Life’s Not Perfect (unless you’re me)

I know this is easier said than done. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide that I was perfect and pretty and so so smart and funny. Some days I wake up and think I look bad or my outfit isn’t cute or my sexuality isn’t clear. That’s okay. Some days you wake up and have an off day. The next hour, or day, or even week will be better. Life always moves on, and that gives you an opportunity to have a better time. Obviously I’m only guessing, because that never happens to me because I’m perfect, but I’m sure you can work through it and come out on the other side. 

And if you are having a bad day, or you don’t feel confident, all you have to do is read my blog and listen to Number One Fan by MUNA and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better. 

I’ll be honest. I wasn’t going to write a blog post this week. During the week when I usually spend my time writing was instead  filled with my new hobby; crocheting. About a month ago I decided I needed to learn how to crochet. So I did. And I became addicted. And instead of posting on the blog on Sunday as I usually do, I was going to spend it grinding out math homework so I don’t fail my math test on Monday. But, when I mentioned that to my friends, they were up in arms, so I have to upload for my biggest fans. I’m still going to spend Sunday studying, but I ended up with some time at this very moment and figured I could update you all on my sexuality. I know, you’re dying to know.

A very long, long time ago (four months) I wrote about how I was queer and asexual. After that, I wrote a post about how I felt that my romantic orientation was on the aromantic spectrum. Well, things have changed. 

I do still identify as ace. However, my post from a few weeks ago, “Exposing My Journal Entries From My Sexuality Crisis,” got me thinking. And by thinking, I mean I remembered how I really enjoyed not labeling my sexuality. So uh, that’s that. I decided I no longer want to explicitly label my romantic orientation as queer, as I had been doing. I still love using queer and gay as umbrella terms. I call myself gay and make jokes using the word gay literally everyday. So, I have love for those terms. However, I feel a lot of…comfort…I guess I could call it, in not labeling my romantic orientation. 

Also, I am not on the aromantic spectrum. At first, I labeled my romantic orientation as alterous; an orientation where one feels platonic and romantic feelings. I no longer feel that way. I’m very certain I’m alloromantic. *sarcastically celebrates*

I can’t really elaborate on how I figured this out. It’s really just one of those things I feel confident in. 

Also…I don’t like men. Besides Conan Gray, obviously. That might make you say, “Jadey, that sounds like you’re a lesbian then.” And to that I would say, “No.” Now, I have seen a lot of internet discourse from queer people discussing how compulsory heteronormativity, the patriarchy, internalized/external homophobia, and the fetishization of lesbians, specifically in porn, has made it extremely difficult for many people to accept the fact that they are lesbian, and that is a term that applies to them. I know I do not have to defend my sexuality, and the labels I choose to use or not use, but I did want to discuss this. Trust me, I’ve thought about this label numerous times. And like every label I’ve tried on in order to name my romantic orientation, it never fit just right.  Using the label lesbian feels too restrictive to me. I feel like that suggests I only like women, when in reality I would date anyone who wasn’t a man. Women. Non-binary people. Gender-fluid people. People with no labels on their gender. It doesn’t really matter to me how someone identifies. I’m just not that into masculinity. 

This wasn’t the biggest update. And it honestly did not take a lot of mulling over. In fact, most of my thoughts about this were done while writing this post, and this has maybe taken half an hour. As I’ve said before, labels are tools, not restrictions. Labels are magnets, not stickers, they’re not permanent. If one doesn’t fit, you can remove it from your hypothetical gay fridge. And if you find a really cool one you like, like one with a frog sitting on a mushroom or Conan Gray, you could add it to your collection. Alright, I’m off to crochet. 

Today we’re discussing something I’ve had on my mind recently….open relationships. Not necessarily for myself, but for my potential future partner. As a single college gal, I am now in the dating scene. And by dating scene I mean I can have slightly romantic crushes on people I barely know and never talk to. It’s fun to have crushes. It’s fun to imagine my future partner. It’s fun to think flirting is liking someone’s story on Instagram. Well, fun…pathetic…pish posh. 

Before I discuss my own thoughts on these three subjects, I thought I would give definitions, and we could have some reflection on prejudices, stereotypes, and internal bias. 

Polyamory: the practice or desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one partner at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved. 

Open Relationship: an arrangement where someone has one or more sexual or romantic partners at a time. 

(From my understanding, this differs from polyamory because you could have as many partners as you want, and be free to take new partners whenever you please. This is typically a sexual relationship, not romantic).

Non-monogamy: (ethical non monogamy) refers to a relationship where partners agree to have other partners and are fully aware and agree to those partners. 

Now…I often feel that people are quick to judge those not in typical monogamous relationships. Let’s do some internal reflection, hm? Did you automatically think that this was weird? Gross? Wrong? How about we instead open our minds to the idea of diversity in relationships, and celebrate differences, rather than judge people for their differences. 

Okay. That’s enough of that. Time to bring this post back to everyone’s favorite topic; me. 

Polyamory: as far as I am aware I am not interested in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously my sexuality is up for changes, but at this point in time I think I would be happy having one partner and my partner not having any other romantic partners. I want to be that one person for my partner who they confide in, live with, and possibly get married to. 

Open relationships: here is where I have some comments. For myself, I am very much not interested in an open relationship…what would I do? I don’t want to have sex with people. I don’t see myself in multiple romantic relationships. This doesn’t apply to me. However, it could apply to my future partner. Just because I’m ace doesn’t necessarily mean my future partner will be. Although it would be nice to have an ace partner, the universe might throw the perfect person in my life and they could be allosexual. And, I figured it would be very unlikely for an allo person to be completely happy with a totally nonsexual relationship. No sex. No kissing. No funny business. So, if my hypothetical perfect person was interested in sex, that would then bring up an ~open relationship~

If my future partner wants to have sex…they can. Obviously this would be a very long discussion, but in general I don’t have a problem with my partner having sex with other people. As long as they’re in a committed relationship with me, they can have a sexual relationship too. This obviously isn’t something I’m in love with, as I would prefer that my partner could be fully happy and satisfied in a relationship with yours truly, but for some strange reason people want sex and I guess I can’t stop them. 

And to touch on non-monogamy, well, I said I’d be fine with an open relationship so if my partner has a sexual relationship, that’s fine. I personally don’t feel the need to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I know I would be happy in a monogamous relationship. 

Okay. That’s all this ace has to say on that. I do find it interesting how many people, specifically straight, cis, monogamous, allo people are usually the ones  a bit quicker to judge non-monogamous relationships, and I think my own experience in the queer community has definitely opened my eyes to the joy people find in different types of relationships; plus the importance of clear and  confident communication in a nontypical relationship. 

At the beginning of 2022 I made two lists in my notes app: “Books I Read This Year” and “2SLGBTQIA+ Books I’ve Read.” I decided it was only necessary that I review the gay books and give each of them a rating out of ten. Note: these are not ranked in any order of favorites, they’re in the order I read them (I am way too indecisive for that). 

Boyfriend Material – Alexis Hall

8.5/10

This book was the classic fake dating to real dating trope, which honestly, can be very overdone and cringe. However, this was not the case. To be completely honest, when I first tried to read this book I put it down, read some other books, before I eventually picked it back up to restart it. The author is from the UK and the big vocabulary plus the British terms threw me off, but once I kept reading I realized how wrong I was for putting it down. It was super entertaining and funny.  It definitely made you wait for the sappy gay love story because you were busy being annoyed at the protagonist. A sequel was recently released, and it’s currently sitting on my shelf waiting to be read. 

What If It’s Us – Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

8/10

A very cute wholesome gay book. You know they’re gonna be happy and the universe will bring them together. It’s one of those stories that’s an easy read and you feel happy reading it. I’m currently reading the sequel.

Melissa (first published as George)  – Alex Gino

7/10

I wanted to read this because it was on a list of banned books. Thanks transphobes. It was a cute coming of age story about a trans girl at a middle school appropriate reading level. A cute, wholesome read. I do wish the ending was a bit longer, and we got to see more of Melissa being her true self. 

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex – Angela Chen

10/10

This book was so interesting. Even as a pretty educated ace person myself, I learned lots by reading this and felt incredibly validated. If you’re interested in learning more about asexuality then this is the book for you! Also I think it would be really interesting for allos to read to understand the complexity of attraction and begin to understand more about one’s own attraction in a more in depth way. 

The Upside of Unrequited – Becky Albertalli

7/10

Honestly, I was expecting more from Becky. I really liked Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and was expecting another great book, but this one was just good. I did enjoy the ending where our main character finally gets the person she’s after, but I definitely had to wait a while to get there. 

I Wish You All The Best – Mason Deaver 

7.5/10

I don’t remember loving this one, but it was definitely good! There was great non-binary and queer representation, but it is really sad, which is something I usually don’t dip my toes into because I don’t need that kind of brutal homophobic sadness in my life. However that is very real and prevalent, so this book illustrated the reality of coming out and not having a supportive family. 

She Drives Me Crazy – Kelly Quindlen

6/10

BookTok recommended this and they disappointed me. 

The writing was really juvenile, which is something I am very quick to judge because it really irritates me. I throw that word around a lot with novels I read because I find it incredibly annoying. Sometimes I’m left thinking “They just let anybody publish a book nowadays, huh?” This book wasn’t bad, it just hyped up a lot so I was expecting great things and got disappointed. 

Kate In Waiting – Becky Albertalli

6/10

Another one I wanted to be a lot better. This was about our straight main character and her gay best friend crushing on the same guy. Maybe our straight main character threw me off…once again…expecting more from Becky.

Loveless – Alice Oseman

10/10 

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS EVER. I WANT TO RE-READ IT IMMEDIATELY. THE AROACE REP IS UNMATCHED. SO MUCH QUEER AND ACE REP!!!

she is the poem – june bates 

8.5/10

A super cute poetry book about the queer experience and sapphic love. Some of the poems made me cry which is very rare for my reading experience. These poems really just hit a spot of sensitivity and relatability in my little gay heart. 

I Kissed Shara Wheeler – Casey McQuiston

7/10

I adore Casey McQuiston books but this one was my least favorite of their books I’ve read. In 2021 I read Red, White & Royal Blue and loved  it. It was super witty and romantic, but this one wasn’t giving everything I wanted it to give. 

Heartstopper – Alice Oseman

10/10 

SO CUTE AND WHOLESOME. This was the only graphic novel I read this year and I fell so in love with Nick and Charlie. Plus it got turned into a TV show that I am OBSESSED with and have re-watched many, many times. 

The Song of Achilles – Madeline Miller

9/10

Beautiful. So well written. I adored this take on Greek mythology. Super unique plot. I honestly don’t have a lot to say because the plot and the writing speaks for itself. One of the best, if not the best written book I read last year. 

Fan Art – Sarah Tregay

5/10 (and that’s just me rating the story, not accounting for the problematic bits)

I needed a gay book to read and got this one for $3 at a local bookstore. This did the trick but was nothing to write home about. There were a few lines that were incredibly cliche, plus I never loved the main character. He was a bit of a push-over and I thought it seemed like a gay book written by a straight person, although I don’t know the author’s sexuality. It was cute, and I was entertained for what it was: a coming of age/falling in love with your best friend novel. I don’t know if this was the author’s first book…but it definitely seemed like it was…

People on GoodReads however had very different opinions and hated this book. I didn’t really pick up on the fetishazation/biphobia some people mentioned during my first read, but now looking back the main character was worried that his best friend was straight and not gay, which completely left out many other sexualities. There are more than two sexualities!! I will say again, it really seems like it was written by a straight person, and straight people should never try to write about the queer experience!! 

I downloaded Tinder. 

It was terrifying. 

As a group of college students do on a Monday night, my friends and I decided it would be just hilarious as well as entertaining to have our friend, Rana, make a Tinder account. We were right of course. We had great fun choosing pictures and info to put in our friends bio, but the real fun began when we started swiping through boys. 

I might be gayer than I thought, because there were SO many bros on straight Tinder. They all had ugly gym mirror selfies or fishing pics or incredibly grotesque hunting pictures with a dead animal bleeding out on their lap. Nothing says “I’m boyfriend material” like a murdered animal! Sport pics immediately threw me off and the only guys I thought were mildly attractive were the ones that had long hair and wore clothes that I would wear. 

After well over an hour of staring at men I couldn’t do it anymore. There were way too many Pisces men. Curiosity got the best of me and I downloaded Tinder (well, my phone was hijacked and it was downloaded by Rana) to see what the gay side looked like. 

First of all, I had no idea what to do. You’re telling me I am supposed to look at a photo of a person, read about them, and then decide if that makes them relationship material? 

Sure, the person I’m looking at is pretty. They look like a well rounded person with interests and a life and friends and hobbies. What am I supposed to do with that information?? 

It was especially funny when I found someone I knew. You can bet my hand flew over my mouth when I found a girl I have a class with. Imagine how awkward that would have been!

Here’s what I learned: 

1. Practically every gay person on Tinder smokes weed.

2. Half of the people there are looking for friends. (I mean…same.)

3. Dating apps are scary, but entertaining. 

4. I am either too asexual or not as alloromantic as I thought because I could not picture being more than friends with any of the people on there.

5. Time flies by on dating apps!

6. A bunch of college students are on dating apps. What happened to meeting people in person? You’re on a college campus for Christ’s sake! I get it, I have a blog, I’m old fashioned. Is meeting people your own age really that difficult? 

On Tuesday I went to do one last scroll and delete the app but I couldn’t because it was just too entertaining. What if I meet a Conan obsessed blogger to be my bestie?! Don’t worry, on Wednesday my account was deleted and the app was removed from my phone. Sorry to disappoint, you won’t be able to find me there. 

This was clearly a very limited view on the world of Tinder, so in order to provide more context I decided to interview my dear friend Rana to see what she had to say about her experience on straight Tinder. 

Jadey: What are your thoughts on Tinder/how was your experience?

(A summary of what Rana said)

When downloaded: it was really fun and entertaining to see who was on there, it was a big game of smash or pass. (Note: this is the exact opposite of what I thought, we love Rana adding allo diversity to this post). Getting matched was very entertaining. After the first text it got stressful. She realized she was not cut out for this life and it was hard to keep a conversation going

After two days it was entertaining, but is now just an app that sends her notifications. All the options are gross and she’ll only go on it if she’s bored. 

Jadey: Do you have a message to all the bros on Tinder? 

Rana: If you want something to happen don’t wait seven years to make it happen. Don’t send texts that end in “that’s supposed to be a compliment” because it’s clearly not a compliment. 

Pictures of guns? Don’t. 

Jadey: Do you think it’s possible to actually meet someone on this app?

Rana: I think so. Maybe not for me. I do think so. 

Jadey: Was tinder what you thought it would be?

Rana: 100%. I had some higher expectations for the people there. I thought they would be cuter. They were not. 

Jadey: How would you compare this experience to your entertainment from me scrolling on gay Tinder? 

Rana: I feel like yours was so much more diverse. Because every guy was the same. There were two types of guys; douches and the weirdos. Neither of which I would like to talk to.

Jadey: How’s Brady? (the guy she is currently talking to)

Rana: He just texted me actually. 

Now we shall wait and see if Brady makes a move. Alright. That’s all for this post. If you’re in the need of some entertainment – Tinder is the place to go. 

Today’s blog post is going to be a combination of many things that have been on my mind lately, as well as some reflecting I’ve done about the break up. 

I’ve finally hit the point where I feel like I’m getting over the heartache. For a second it felt like I never would. That there was no way I could get over the sadness. That’s how grief works I guess. It feels paralyzing for a while until one day it doesn’t. 

As an asexual, I am very aware that there are many people out there in the world who do not want to date me. I’m fine with that. I understand that people, for a reason I can’t understand, want sex in a relationship. That is, in fact, a necessity for them. However, I will admit, there is the occasional thought in my mind that I won’t find someone. Maybe there are people out there I’ll fall in love with but they won’t want me for me. Maybe I found the one person I got along with and now that’s over. I know that’s not true. I know there is another invisible string somewhere pulling the right person to me. Maybe I’ll meet them tomorrow. Maybe I’ll meet them ten years from now. They’re out there. I’m sure of it. I know I’m not the first person who has ever thought this. I’m sure the majority of the population has worried there is no one out there for them; asexual or not. If I truly believe there’s someone out there for everyone, why would I think I don’t apply to that? 

I think I was quite kind with my word choice in sharing how I felt about the break up on the blog. I wrote one post about how I was getting over it very soon after it happened. Although everything I said was true; that post did not mean I was totally okay. I was still incredibly sad. I still wrote about my feelings and missed what we had. 

Currently, the day I’m writing this, I feel quite okay. I feel like I’m truly okay with the fact that we broke up. Now I can have silly little crushes and be even more in love with Conan Gray. I can romanticize my life and imagine my main character moment when I finally have my meet-cute. That doesn’t mean I wanted the break up to happen. I have no choice but to make the best of the situation and move on. 

A lot of the time I did feel truly okay and lived my life as normal. However, there were many times where I would return to being extremely upset. I didn’t stop crying after the breakup. I didn’t magically get better. And that’s okay, I shouldn’t expect myself to. 

I also think there are people out there who don’t understand the reality of my relationship and the breakup. They assume I’m fine because I’m asexual and she is still my best friend. Let me be clear; I still had my heart broken. (That sounds so dramatic but you know what I mean). I was still extremely upset. Thankfully, I could keep photos of us up on my wall. I don’t have to burn the letters she’s given me or block her on social media. That does help the situation. However, during the sadness it was not my top priority to think of all the things I still have. It was my priority to let all my feelings out. 

Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean that I am not heartbroken. I was truly in love. I was so inexplicably in love. And I still am, just in a different way. I have love for my best friend. For the person who was there during my entire sexuality crisis. The first person I fell in love with. The first person who made me feel like I was me. She was the person who made me understand that I can feel love in just as beautiful a way as others do, if not in a way that is more special. Who would have been my muse for poetry if not her? 

I was the first person in my friend group to date someone. To fall in love. To no fault of their own, a majority of the people in my life could not relate to what I was going through, merely because they have never been in a relationship and will never experience what it’s like to be queer. I don’t want anyone to have to experience heartbreak, although it is almost inevitable. I do wonder how things would have been different if people around me had a way to relate to what I was going through. 

Just because there wasn’t sex and sexual attraction doesn’t make my relationsip any less legit. Just because we used different words and labels doesn’t take away the value in our relationship. It doesn’t make it any less real. This is my normal. Dating and falling in love and having romantic feelings is how I live life. That is my normal in a relationship. Just because my normal is different from yours does not devalue my relationship. It does not devalue my feelings and my love and my heartbreak. 

Maybe this is just me, and I get to say it because this is my blog, but I think, actually, I know, that the patriarchy limits what is capable of being felt and experienced in straight relationships. There are rules and expectations that straight, cisgender couples are upholding subconsciously and consciously. Supporting gender roles and societal expectations about heterosexual relationships takes away from what some could experience. I don’t really know how to elaborate on that. Don’t expect to live in the suburbs and raise three kids exactly two years apart if that’s not going to make you 100% completely and utterly happy. Queer people have an advantage, that they’re already defying what society wants of them. We have freedom to have unique relationships, to act and dress how we want. To express our sexuality and do whatever we want because we don’t have to live up to made up rules. This allows me to remain friends with my ex without the heteronormative assumptions and expectations. 

There isn’t a single ounce of me that doesn’t want my ex-girlfriend/ best friend in my life. I have quite a bit to say on this so it might be applicable to make separate blog post on. To quickly sum this up in case it doesn’t become a post; I love her. I’ve established a life with her that I want to keep. She never stopped being my best friend. Plus, it’s a bit ironic, and why not live for the irony and out of spite for those who think exes can’t be friends? 

Okay. That was quite a whirlwind of ideas and thoughts. There’s probably at least one more breakup blog post after this, and then we’ll move onto another topic. We need some variety in the world of this asexual.