Category: Asexuality

Let’s Remember the “A” This Pride Month

Hopefully the following things I am about to say do not sound like a complaint (although they are a little) and instead sound like valid and understandable points. Yay!

We need to remember the “A” this pride month. And honestly, we need to remember all of the letters after the “T.” 

Pride month is coming, and with that, corporations are going to participate in what the queer community likes to call rainbow capitalism, which is where companies attempt to capitalize off of pride month by making rainbow and queer-targeted products for the sole purpose of making money. It may seem like they’re being allies and supporting the community, but in reality they are simply doing it out of greed and are doing nothing for the queer community. The rest of the year they aren’t donating money, signing petitions, or hiring queer employees. 

 A lot of those companies are going to celebrate the LGBT community, or maybe the LGBT+ community. And if we’re oh, so lucky, the LGBTQ+ community will be celebrated.

I totally understand saying LGBT+, because let’s be real, the whole acronym is a mouthful. But simply not including the plus? How hard is it to add a plus, and if we’re honest, the main 8 syllables in LGBTQIA+. 

Words are much more impactful than we seem to think. Cutting out letters from the acronym, especially when not considering the plus, cancels out voices and experiences of other minority communities. There is already so much discrimination and individual challenges each sexual orientation or gender identity faces, we simply shouldn’t add to that by ignoring letters, because in this case, letters are people, experiences, and important parts of identity. 

I didn’t realize how much it impacted me until last pride month, when my Instagram feed was covered in rainbows, celebrating those who are gay and trans, and I didn’t see myself in any of those posts. I distinctly remember seeing “LGBT” everywhere, and rarely seeing the A. How hard is it to include the other letters? If you’re celebrating the entire community, why not truly celebrate the entire community? 

Language matters. Including all of the letters, the flags, having diverse people in interviews, in ads, as models for rainbow merchandise, shows the queer community that we are valid. Ignoring letters and identifying within the community suggest those letters, those real life human beings, are not as important. They’re easily forgotten. 

However, it’s not all about me. It would be selfish to say that it is. But this is about a broader community. The “A” is often forgotten. Asexual and aromantic communities are much more likely to be in the closet and be offered conversion therapy, so why are we always forgotten and rarely celebrated? We have a history of finding each other online, yet when it comes to pride month where every social media platform has a rainbow profile picture and flags in every post, asexuals, the online community, is rarely involved.

Additionally, pride parades can be quite a sexualized place. Although it is totally valid and important to celebrate the sexual part of your identity, it is important to remember that not everyone experiences that piece, and being inclusive with language and celebrating different orientations encapsulates every queer identity. And I’m not a parent, but lots of young queer people and little kids attend with their families, so maybe showing off your kinks and fetishes at pride parades while wearing leashes and leather is not the most family friendly choice…

It is obviously important to celebrate the queer community now and moving forward, and it is amazing that being queer is so widely accepted in the United States that companies are making products that target a queer demographic. But, we still have a long way to go. Corporations should be donating money to queer organizations. They should be advocating for the passage of gender-affirming healthcare and a federal ban to conversion therapy. They should be using their platform to spread awareness and support the community. 

Now. Simply not saying additional letters does not actually wipe away the intersex or aromantic or pansexual population. Wearing slutty clothing to pride does not offend asexuals. However, when being an ally, or even a member of an oppressed community, language is impactful, especially when actions in the past (and unfortunately the present) have been harmful to queer people. Pride month, and every month, is a time to celebrate differences and let love be love. 

Alright. That’s enough from me. Pride month is so soon, and I am so excited to buy rainbow stickers and wave my little flag at a parade. 

Sobriety, Weddings, and Violins: Things That Make Me Wonder “Is That an Ace Thing?”

Today I am going to be listing off things, thoughts, actions, interests, any other descriptive word, that makes me wonder “Is that an ace thing?” Sometimes I’ll be going about my day and have a realization, and I will wonder if that is a universal feeling, a me feeling, or just an ace thing. So, if you’re ace, please weigh in. I think some of these things are going to be ace experiences, and others might be funny coincidences. Nevertheless, let’s begin. 

  1. Aces Enjoy Being Sober

Now. As an underage college student  I obviously have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. Edibles? I have never heard of such a thing. Marijuana? Couldn’t be me…(cough cough hint hint nudge nudge). So…the following statements are totally and surely hypothetical. 

I will start by saying that no matter your age, but especially as a college student, it is incredibly important to use substances responsibly and with people you feel safe with. Thankfully I have a lovely group of friends who support me whether I choose to endeavor into adult substances or choose to remain sober, and most of the time I choose to be, as they say, stone cold sober. Now. I have never had a bad experience under the influence and have always consumed a non-concerning amount of alcohol. However, I rarely do because I just don’t have that much interest in it. Sure, it’s fun to try. It’s a different group activity than what I usually do. But I just don’t see the major appeal. In my mind that groups into the face thing with the no sex bit. Why drink alcohol or have sex when I could eat a cookie and watch a movie? 

There has been a study done which I’ll link here (link!) that discusses how ace people are less likely to drink. The culture with drinking is usually surrounded by hookup culture, and that obviously is not the ideal spot for a majority of asexual or aromantic people. 

  1. Clothes Don’t Sexualize You

Let’s see if I can explain this correctly. You can wear sexy clothes and be sexy in them if you decide that. If you just think they’re cute, and enjoy wearing them but are sexualized, that’s a societal issue. And there’s an aura, an energy, about those who wear hot or sexy clothes for the purpose of being hot or sexy. 

It’s ultimately up to the person to decide if something they’re wearing or doing is sexual. If I put on a tiny top and called it “slutty,” I would say that in a sense that I’m showing a lot of skin and society would probably sexualize me. But, in my ace mind, I’m simply wearing a shirt I look hot in, and by no means am trying to get people to notice me. 

Does that make sense? Wear what you want and I don’t care. As long as your clothing doesn’t impact your life or is so revealing that it is actually going to bother others…wear what you want. It doesn’t matter. 

  1. I Don’t Want Kids 

Plenty of people don’t want kids for a variety of reasons. Plenty of heterosexual, cisgender people don’t want kids. I think my no-kids view has to do with my asexuality, but also with the fact that I just don’t love children. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited to be the cool aunt. I can’t wait until my nieces and nephews (or niblings) visit me in my future cottage and I read them books and teach them cool things and am the coolest, most funny aunt ever. However, I feel no desire to raise them for the next 18+ years. That seems like so much work. Work I wouldn’t enjoy. I would rather raise cats and a pet cow. 

Also, it is possible that I would have to be pregnant to have kids. And there is truly not a single brain cell in my mind that can imagine that. I have no desire to be pregnant. To birth a child. If I had kids I would adopt, and I thought that for a while until recently when I realized I don’t want kids at all. From a young age I knew I wanted to adopt if I had children and looking back that must have been a subconscious asexual thing.

Maybe if my future partner really wants kids and I get older I might want them. Never say never as they say. But also…it seems unlikely. 

  1. Weddings Are Way Too Big a Deal

Weddings seem like way too much work for what they are. So many people. So many details. So. Much. Money. Not to mention weddings feel super heteronormative and Jesus-y. Not my vibe. (Obviously not all, this is just a general claim). 

Now, I’m not saying it’s all bad. Because I want to be proposed to so badly. However, I do not want a gigantic wedding. Instead, I would love a little party with my family and friends where we can listen to music and eat cake and I have an opportunity to wear a dress that isn’t white and have a stunning moss agate wedding ring. My future partner and I can sign the papers ahead of time and do the legal thing. It doesn’t need to be a huge deal. I think there’s an aspect of straight culture that is all “get married and you can stop trying” when in reality I want to get married because it’s romantic and I can have a party to celebrate queer love.

Additionally, I want to keep my last name. I have a memory of being in the fifth grade and thinking how I would keep my last name unless my husband had a really good one that was even better than mine. Obviously I don’t want the husband part but my point still stands. And, I am no way opposed to a hyphenated last name. Imagine I write a gay little book and I get to have my name on it as well as my partner’s last name added right on the end of mine. That’s adorable. 

  1. Aces Always Play an Instrument

I have never met an ace person who does not play an instrument. I play the violin, and if I think back to every ace person I know now or knew in high school it is 100% true that they are in some kind of music program. This one must be a coincidence but it is pretty funny that every ace person I know lives in the music department of their school. 

  1. Aces Are Hot and in a Relationship

I have never met an ugly ace person. I have never met an uncool ace person. And I also have never met an ace person who hasn’t been in a relationship or is currently in one. Aces pull people. Probably because we’re hot. And if you’re ace and not in a relationship it’s probably because you don’t want to be or you’re simply waiting for your perfect ace partner to come along. 

This probably ties back with the previous point that aces are cool and musicians are cool. When I tell you how happy I would be if I had a musician/rocker girlfriend or partner. Hot. 

Alright. That’s all. What was this but another blog post scraping my brain for silly ace experiences. 

How I Knew I Was Asexual!

I decided I needed to write an explicitly ace post because I haven’t done one in a while. This post might be really familiar if you’ve read “How I Knew I Was Asexual and Queer.” However, that blog post also discusses how I realized I was in fact, not straight and liked women, so I decided to make a post on how I knew I was asexual without all the other complicated parts. 

The following is a list of things that made me realize I was asexual. Some things seem to be common amongst the ace community, and some seem to just be a me thing. Take these with a grain of salt. 

  1. Literally what is sexual attraction?

The biggest thing that made me realize I was asexual was that I had no idea what the heck sexual attraction was. And, as I quickly found out with many Google searches, no one thinks to write about it because you’re just supposed to know. Google would always tell me that it was a feeling to desire sexual contact with someone else. From my understanding (allos correct me here) that is true. However…THAT MAKES NO SENSE. How am I supposed to know if I feel that? Unfortunately there is no guide or chart to tell you if you feel sexual attraction, and I came to the conclusion that I do not want to have sex with people and have never felt a desire to…so I must be ace. 

Somewhat relevant note here: I was around 17 when I started questioning this, so if you’re any younger I wouldn’t overthink anything, but obviously if that is a label you feel comfortable with, use it! There is no age limit on when you can label your sexuality and no one knows how you feel more than you do. 

  1. I kept coming back to the label asexual.

From my experience, if a label is swimming around in our brain for a long time, it may be the right one for you. For probably at least six months I questioned if I was ace…and everything I kept wondering and feeling was basically confirmation that I was …so I came out. And let me tell you, I was more nervous to come out as ace than I was to say I like girls. There was something so scary about coming out as ace because I was so afraid I would be wrong and put myself into a community where I don’t belong. (This was a fear because the ace community is so misunderstood and even smaller than the amount of people who like the same gender as them). Obviously, I truly belong. And even if I didn’t and no longer identified an ace later, that would be okay. I could just no longer use that label. 

Additionally, once I came out as asexual I realized that I found even more comfort in others knowing that about me, and everything about myself that felt different from what others felt was validated. 

  1. Sex is gross!

This one’s self explanatory. I don’t want to touch someone else. I don’t want someone to touch me sexually. That would be…say it with me now…gross!

I call myself a sex-averse asexual (meaning I don’t have any desire to have sex or have positive feelings about doing it) but I think if I were to involve myself into a sexual situation I would be sex-repulsed (meaning I literally find it disgusting). 

  1. If I had sex it would be way off in the future. 

I would always be so shocked when I realized that my high school peers were genuinely sexually active. Not only was I not in a relationship for most of high school, I always thought I would have sex later in life. Now as a college student I can confidently say that I am at that age where people have sex and I want none of it. 

  1. If I had sex it would be boring.

If for some reason I had sex I would not be the giver or do anything that isn’t so basic and vanilla. Probably because I don’t want to have sex at all! 

  1. I’ve never had a lot of crushes.

I have had five whole crushes in my lifetime. And three of them were boys and I no longer experience attraction to men. My friends seem to have a new crush every week. I have not found anyone on my college campus who I have any desire to date. 

Maybe that’s because I’ve convinced myself that my tiny liberal arts college can’t possibly hold the love of my life/future person I’m going to marry. But more realistically I think it’s just an ace thing and I am somewhat realistic with my crushes, so if they’re in a relationship or likely allosexual my brain takes that option off of the table. 

  1. I never wanted to do anything sexual with my past crushes. 

You’re telling me…people want to have sex with their crushes. They want to perform sexual activities. They want to make out with their crush. They want to kiss them on the lips?!

Absolutely not. 

Never in my life has a thought about being sexual with a crush crossed my mind. 

All I want to do with my crushes is get to know them and then hold their hand..because that’s cute. And not gross. 

  1. Labels with “sex” in them felt off.

When it came to labeling my sexuality as a whole, labels with “sexual” in them (such as bisexual or pansexual) felt wrong because they implied that I was experiencing sexual attraction to multiple genders. Although I have always felt a connection to the label panromantic, (for the implication that I like people and not necessarily parts) it is probably just because it has to do more with my asexuality and my fluid romantic orientation rather than the fact that I am attracted to every gender. 

  1. People have sexual fantasies.

People have sexual fantasies that they actually want to do in real life. Not only am I not having sexual fantasies but…well, there is no but. 

  1. What the heck is feeling horny?

Literally what does being horny mean. When do you feel horny? How often do you feel horny? Why is it called horny? Am I a car with a horn? (Sorry bad ace joke). 

  1. “You’ll start having new feelings as your body begins to change…”

I never understood what people meant when they said you’ll start looking at boys or girls differently when you reach puberty/middle school age. What do you mean I will? Sure I’ll have a little crush but that’s it. Turns out I was just a naive asexual and it turns out that is when people start to feel sexual attraction and start having those thoughts and feelings for the first time. 

Also…people had crushes in middle school. (I had a singular crush in my three years of middle school). 

People had crushes in elementary school?! I refuse to believe that. And by refuse I mean I just don’t understand and can not comprehend my eight year old self having a crush on little Timmy. 

Wow. What am I but a confused ace? Thankfully my time being an out asexual has allowed me to understand some of these a bit better…or simply ignore them.

If you are also a confused ace (or possible ace) I hope this was somewhat helpful and not just a chaotic word vomit of everything that puzzles my little queer brain.  

I think I’m going to listen to some Leith Ross now. 

Sometimes Asexuality Makes Me Sad

Recently, I had the realization that sometimes my asexuality makes me sad. 

Up until this point in time I had never really thought that. Obviously, it brings me a lot of joy, as it is something I talk about quite a lot and even created a whole blog to discuss. I talked about it a little when I made a few breakup posts, and wrote about how I feared there might not be someone out there for me because I’m ace. I still know that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t those thoughts in the back of my mind. It’s hard to know that my asexuality, something I love about myself, is a flaw to others. It’s an issue to them, rather than a feature. And I know that it limits those who want to date me. It might be challenging to find another ace person to date. And while I know it’s possible I could be happy dating an allo person, I still worry my asexuality might be a burden. That it might prevent someone from feeling fulfilled in a relationship with me. Obviously, if that was the case, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. But that would inevitably lead to quite a sad breakup.

I know my asexuality is special. I know I’m special. I know there are people out there in the world who would be so lucky to know me and be my friend, let alone date me and have the opportunity to be loved by me. Because I am so full of love. I have so much love and joy to give and I look forward to the day when I meet the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. I know it’ll be a love story for the pages. However, it’s different when I tell that to myself. It’s different when I tell myself how compassionate and cool and kind I am, compared to when someone else does. Trust me, I know there are people in my life who think this. I know my friends and family love me. They do think I’m amazing. I don’t need them to verbalize that to know it. But, it’s different when there’s something about you that is so unique, so different from the experience of those around you.

I think it brings me more sadness especially because I am a sex-averse asexual (as opposed to being sex-neutral or sex favorable). I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to do anything sexual. It would make me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I don’t even want to kiss someone on the lips. 

That in itself is a whole other topic of sadness. I know I’ve written about this before, but at this point in time, I wish I was an asexual that likes kissing. I hope that desire goes away eventually. But I know it’s okay because our society is so consumed with sex and romance that it can be hard to unlearn things. I don’t need to kiss someone to experience intimacy or show my love. There are so many other ways I can do that. Even though it’s silly of me, I do hope that maybe I will meet someone and want to kiss them. Is that possibly an aphobic thing for me to think about? Probably. But oh well. I know it won’t happen and I can think whatever I want about myself. It just seems so fun and cute. Oh well.

It’s not easy being queer. And unfortunately, the longer I live out and proud as I do, the more I realize that. I live in my own little gay bubble full of joy and rainbows. I talk about being queer and make it a big part of my life because it is. It is so important to me. That is not the reality of queerness. Like many other marginalized communities, being in the queer community is full of heartache. That is the brutal reality of my life. Of my community’s life. And it’s something that isn’t going to go away. Who knows. It might never. 

My asexuality makes me sad. I’m sad people don’t understand it. I’m sad it limits my relationships and dating pool. I’m sad people have so many misconceptions and stereotypes about me and my community. I’m sad there is so little asexual representation in the media. I’m sad I don’t get to experience the spark of a first kiss or the giddy experience of telling my friends a cute boy asked for my number. There are experiences I miss out on because I’m ace and queer and that is something I have to come to terms with.

Alright. That’s enough sadness for today. It maybe didn’t help that I listened to Phoebe Bridgers the whole time I wrote this.

How Accurate are Asexual Stereotypes? – This Asexual Tells You

My blog post two weeks ago was answering the web’s most searched questions about asexuality, and that brought up a lot of funny ace stereotypes. Because I find a lot of those stereotypes quite entertaining and true, I decided it would be fun to share them and rate them on how accurate they are to me and the ace community. Obviously, these are stereotypes, but a lot of them are quite accurate, and this, like all my posts, is just one ace’s thoughts on this. I do not speak for the whole community. 

  1. Aces love dragons.

I have no clue how this started. One day I saw a meme that aces love dragons and that was that. I think a part of the reason aces seem to love fantasy and mythical things is because they don’t exist, and some people think asexuality doesn’t exist. It’s ironic.

Jadey relatability: 8/10

I love dragons. They’re pretty. They’re cool. I would love a pet dragon. 

Community relatability: 8/10

I think a lot of aces would agree with me. 

  1. Aces love cake.

This is by far the most accurate stereotype. I am honestly uncertain to even call it a stereotype because it honestly seems factual at this point. I talk about this more in this post, but one day an ace on AVEN said that aces would rather eat cake than have sex. That’s pretty darn true. For a really long time I decided cake was my favorite food. Now I would say it is my second or third depending on the day. (Pizza obviously being number one). 

Jadey relatability: 10/10

Community relatability: 9/10. 

One point is deducted for the aces who prefer garlic bread to cake. 

  1. Aces love garlic bread.

Just like the cake thing, aces do love garlic bread. I think some definitely prefer cake, but garlic bread is for those who don’t like cake. 

Jadey relatability: 6/10

Community relatability: 8/10

Come on…who doesn’t like bread?

  1. Aces love space.

This is a stereotype I am unsure about. I think this is mostly due to the fact that ace rhymes with space, and therefore things about asexuality are inspired by space due to the puns you can make. 

Jadey relatability: 5/10 

Space is cool. Space is pretty. I’m not one to be considered a science girly, but Conan Gray loves astronomy and wrote a song about it, and I love Conan Gray. 

Community relatability: 7/10

  1. Aces dress like the ace flag. 

Jadey relatability: 5/10

I don’t always dress like the ace flag, but when I do, I make sure to document it. I’m usually too busy wearing black and green, as that is my favorite color combo.

Community relatability: 8/10

Online discourse has informed me that lots of aces unknowingly dressed like the ace flag before they realized they were ace. It almost seens like a right of passage. 

  1. Aces are going to take over the world. 

This is an ongoing joke because aces have a lot of free time with all the time they spend not thinking about sex. Because of this free time, it gives them time to plot other things like world domination. Or at least taking over Denmark. 

Jadey relatability: 1/10

I’m too busy writing blog posts and eating cake to use my brain to take over a country. 

Community relatability: 5/10

I know some of y’all out here are plotting your invasion as we speak. 

  1. Aces are obsessed with rings. 

Arguably, the entire gay community is obsessed with rings, and wearing a lot of rings has quickly become a symbol of queerness. Aces just arrived at this end a bit early with their ace rings. 

Jadey relatability: 9/10

I wear rings every day. I love them. They add the perfect gay look to any outfit. 

Community relatability: 8/10

  1. Aces pull people.

This is by far my most favorite ace stereotype to date. Why? Because it is so accurate. Every single ace person I know is in a relationship or has been in one. And, if they’re not in one, it’s because they don’t want to be, not because they have no suitors.

As the only ace in my friend group, it was quite hilarious to me that I was the first person to be in a relationship, have my first kiss, the whole deal. Plus, I somehow end up having the most interactions with my crush compared to my allo friends. While my friends are talking about the eye contact they made with their crush, I’m updating them on the conversation we had earlier that day. 

Jadey relatability: 10/10

Community relatability: 9/10