Category: Asexuality

Rejecting Labels, Dismantling Desire, Poetry Publications, & Other Life Updates

It has been many, many moons since my last blog post. And that’s not to say I haven’t had one sitting in Google Docs 80% done for the past four months. Because I certainly have. I just haven’t brought myself to finish it for whatever reason. I, of course, have still been writing lots. More than ever actually. It’s my senior year of undergrad so not only have I been writing for classes, I’ve been applying to grad schools and writing my thesis: a poetry collection on asexuality, queerness, desire, and taboo amongst other things.

Maybe I’ll have to do a rundown of the best books and poetry collections I’ve read. But that of course is for Future Jadey to decide.

Last year at this time I was unpacking comphet and deep in the journey of my Lesbian Renaissance, coming to terms with lesbianism and the fact that I wasn’t attracted to men. And shocker, here’s an update on that – I’m not a lesbian. Listen. Did I spend months thinking about that label, adopting it, and working through comphet? Yes, obviously. Was all of that completely necessary? Yes. But as I kinda figured I would do, I decided labels aren’t for me, and un-labeling my romantic orientation and using queer as a broad term makes me feel the most comfortable and seen in my identity.

Do I resonate with aspects of lesbianism and the lesbian community? Yes. I’m still going to use the label lesbian for convenience, but in my little gay heart, I’m not one. The label lesbian feels too limiting. I have the capacity to like a wide range of people, just not cishet men.

Part of this discovery was through dating my genderqueer partner, and being with them – dismantling gender norms and existing as just a person – has allowed me to feel perfectly at ease with not being boxed in. The same thing has resulted for my gender, where I may use she/her pronouns and be perceived as femme, on the inside I’m just a person existing who doesn’t need labels to define or box in the many experiences and nuances I feel around my identity.

Being with my partner has also allowed me to reevaluate desire and my asexuality. Even as well-versed in ace knowledge as I am, I realized I was boxing myself into a preconceived notion of asexuality. By this I mean that I had it in my head what I was and was not comfortable with. How I wanted to show intimacy, what desiring someone meant. As I got older I wanted to explore that more, but a lot of it seemed like a hypothetical.

Now, I find that I am stripping my understanding of my asexuality down to the very basic definition. Asexuality means experiencing little to no sexual attraction. While before that was closely tied to how I understood what I did not want, I am now reversing that idea, and understanding my asexuality through what I do want. To me, this means exploring physical intimacy in a way that feels right to me. Maybe what most would perceive as a sexual act actually feels romantic to me. Maybe I feel most connected with my partner through conversations surrounding our queerness – a part of that being how we physically interact with each other. Additionally, I’m accepting the fact that I could desire things that are seen as sexual. I can want physical intimacy and closeness even when I don’t experience sexual attraction. To put that idea to an analogy – I can still eat even when I’m not hungry. I’m also learning how huge a role aesthetic attraction plays in my desire.

There are things I never thought I would be comfortable with that I now do and enjoy. And it feels so freeing and exciting to learn these things about myself. For example, if you’re an avid reader of the blog you may recall that for a long time I’ve been opposed to kissing on the mouth. There was something about it that just wasn’t for me. It made me uncomfortable, I didn’t see the appeal, and frankly, it seemed gross. And I often complained about this, because I so badly wanted to be an asexual who kissed. For many reasons. Because it was a “normal” thing to do. Because it seemed fun. Because it seemed romantic. Anywho. I never thought I’d actively want to kiss someone. And you know what, now I’m dating someone who likes to be kissed. And guess what, now I like it. Now, I don’t get “sparks” or “butterflies” like I do when I’m kissed on the cheek or somewhere else. I’m not begging to be kissed on the mouth. But I know my partner likes it, and it makes them happy, and that alone makes me enjoy it and want to do it.

A lot of factors went into this new kind of thinking. The first obviously being the relationship I have with my partner, the safety and comfort I feel with them, and the desire to explore and experiment with someone I love. Simply getting older, wanting to try new things. Conversations with my friends revolve around sex and relationships and I’ve always taken such an interest in intimacy and desire I wanted to further explore it within myself.

While this may sound like I’m exploring what could be deemed “sexual” I am not at all saying I’m not asexual. In fact, this makes me more confident in my asexuality, and excited to explore it further. While before I searched for other aces talking about their experiences as sex-repulsed or sex-averse, I’m now interested in sex-neutral to sex-favorable ace experiences to understand different perspectives and see how they resonate with my own identity.

A few baby updates not long enough for their own post:

I listened to this podcast called Velvet, a fictional narrative about a woman coming to terms with her newfound asexuality and understanding “what it means to experience pleasure beyond sex.” She discusses desire with her allo friends, attends an ace group, and even goes to a Shibari class, which was my favorite episode and by far the most interesting. I wasn’t blown away by the writing, but it was so relatable, and covered so many pieces of the ace experience. This was awesome to listen to as an ace person, and I think would be really informative for allo people wanting to understand asexuality more.

Click here to read a poem I got published: I Wish I was a Riot Grrrl Magpie Zine

This was my first publication outside of my university, and a poem I’m really proud of! My bio is on page 61, and my poem on page 62.

Anywho. It feels good to be back on the ol’ blog. It’s also been really nice understanding more about my queerness and exploring who I am and my relationship to love and romance. See y’all later.

Actually Important Asexual Culture You Should Know

Since I usually write about my silly little ace life, I thought it would be cool to share some important aspects of ace culture that are beyond funny stereotypes about cake and rings. So, this post is a bit more legit. It’s not all garlic bread and puns. These are important roots for the ace community and we get a bit into queer theory (which is my favorite thing probably ever – besides Conan Gray of course).

AVEN and David Jay

David Jay is probably one of the most well-known asexuals in the community. Tired of asexuality being ignored, he created AVEN (Asexuality Visibility Education Network) in 2001 for aces and allos to gain education and talk to each other. It’s currently the biggest platform for asexuals to gather and communicate on the forums. There are over 130,000 members as of 2021, and I’m sure that doesn’t even include the daily visitors who check it out as I do.

As an asexual who frequented AVEN at the beginning of my sexuality crisis I can confirm that AVEN is actually a really special place for a lot of aces. There’s a great sense of community and it’s really nice to read stories and experiences of other aces when being ace can feel isolating. Plus, there’s book and movie recommendations, canon ace characters, surveys to fill out, and people to meet. AVEN is responsible for advocating for the DSM to change HSDD to be more ace-inclusive and not pathologize those who identity on the ace spectrum.

Although this is probably one of the most well-known parts of ace culture, it’s arguably the most important due to its prevalence in ace spaces and the work AVEN has done for the community.

A Prude’s Manifesto

“A Prude’s Manifesto” is a spoken word poem by Cameron Awkward-Rich, and although often heard about in the ace community, is often brought up in books on asexual/queer theory. This is one of the most prevalent asexual poems and probably one of the only ones you would find if you were to look up asexual poetry. The main idea of this poem is that Rich discusses things he would do rather than have sex as well as self-love, romantic relationships, religion, and asexuality. It is funny and beautiful and of course politically charged.

The poem begins with Rich saying “Here is a list of things I like more than having sex” followed by “reading,” “peeling back the skin of a grapefruit” and “riding my bike away from parties.” He says that “Love is a girl who slept beside me barely touching for two years.” Some of my favorite lines are “When I touch her it is with someone else’s hands,” “The best love I have ever known was sin or sacrilege,” and “I have been made ghost and reborn as flesh.”

Anyway. It’s just a stunning poem, and the spoken presentation adds such a personable layer. You should listen, and then probably listen again.

Ace Zine Archive

I’m going to be so real with you guys, I just recently found out about this. I’m currently reading Asexual Erotics which I mentioned in my last blog post, and that book discussed this archive, which I immediately Googled and checked out. It’s a super cool website where you can find online zines (a shortened magazine type publication) about being asexual. Some of the zines are artistic, while others are more prose and education based.

These are super cool to check out and it’s nice to see asexuality turned into artwork and other mediums. One of my favorite ones was on the intersectionality of asexuality and race, which was especially cool and interesting. You can check it out here: zine! (I recommend downloading to be able to see it best.)

Kinsey Scale X

The Kinsey Scale is a test to determine where one lies on the sexuality spectrum. One could score from 0 to 6, the former being heterosexual, to the latter being exclusively homosexual. However, there is a secret seventh option which is “X.” This is a marker for those who do not experience sexual attraction. This is incredibly interesting because although the test does count for the ace community, it labels them in a way that ostracizes them from the rest of the queer community by giving a letter instead of a number. On the actual graph itself, there is no actual spot for the ace community.

Although this scale was invented to show the fluidity of sexuality, I would argue it is binary and allonormative in nature. It assumes people are having sex and that they would fall into a category that can be prescribed a label. However, even though there are some flaws within this test, I can’t ignore the fact that Kinsey was doing research for the queer community that would be important later on.

Researchers acknowledged the existence of asexuals yet often left them out of further research. Later, in the early 2000s, more research was done on asexuality and it has been slowly included more and more into research on sexuality and in queer spaces.

White Washing in Ace Communities

This is a topic I’ve more recently come to know about, but it is in fact crazy, and by crazy I mean absurdly racist. Unfortunately, the ace community is made up of predominantly white people. Societally we’ve been known to protect white sexuality, especially for white women. Children and white women are expected to be asexual, while people of color, especially Black women, are hyper-sexualized.

Yasmin Benoit is a great example of this. She’s probably one of the other best-known ace activists besides David Jay. However, she receives an incredible amount of aphobic and racist backlash as she’s a lingerie model and goth in her daily-presentation. A lot of people don’t understand how a Black woman who is “sexy” in her career could be asexual, especially when there’s a long history of Black women being seen as exotic and animalistic.

This just goes to show the heteronormative violence in our society that women simply owe men sex for existing. It’s a misogynistic and objectification of women that has long been rooted in our culture.

There is a stereotypical white, nerdy, cisgender male as a prototype for asexuality. Those who are white, cisgender, overweight, or “ugly,” are also assumed to be asexual as an excuse or assumption that no one would want to date them and therefore are not having sex. This idea that one must look a certain way in order to be sexually attractive and desire sex is rooted in sexism, fatphobia, and obviously white supremacy. This makes it challenging for those who are people of color to be believed and have their identities validated when society has hyper-sexualized POC and desexualized many white people.

Okay. That’s all. I’m sure you all found this so interesting and cool and probably the best thing you’ve ever read. Until next week!

More Asexual Books You Should (and shouldn’t) Read

I wrote a blog post a couple months ago about books on asexuality that you should (or shouldn’t) read, and since then I’ve read a few more so it only makes sense that I should make a part two. And as always, I am gladly accepting recommendations/suggestions for books and authors to read!

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality – Sherronda Brown

At the end of the first blog post I mentioned that I was currently reading Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda Brown, and oh my god that book changed my life.

Now, this could sound stupid to some, but this book really opened my eyes to white supremacy and how everything (sex, gender, patriarchy, politics) boils down to white nationalism. And sure, I knew about this, but as a white person, I live in a little bubble of privilege and am clearly naive to the difficulties surrounding race, because I’ll never experience life as a person of color. The way whiteness is so deeply tied to society and heteronormativity and sexuality is so deeply rooted it is almost unfathomable. And it is so interesting to learn how asexuality, and especially Black asexuality, goes against these cultural norms. This book discussed race, the hyper-sexualization of Black girls, the fear of the Black phallus, BLM categories on Pornhub, disability, colonization, discrimination of aces in the queer community, asexuality as a white identity, and literally so much more. If you’re interested in critical race theory, or queer and gender theory, I’m sure you would find this book fascinating.

Rating: 8/10

Would I recommend it? Yes 100%.

Would I read again? Yes. This book is definitely a scholarly one, so it is not the easiest read, but it is incredibly interesting and super educational.

How to be Ace – Rebecca Burgess

Like the last blog post, this was another book that, to my surprise, was a graphic novel. And by now we probably know I’m not the biggest graphic novel fan, but that did mean that I could read this book in a day. As an ace person who occasionally just wants to read a silly little book about another ace person, this was a great option. Rebecca simply just talked about how they realized they were ace and the experiences they had surrounding that (mostly in university) and how that coincided with their OCD and anxiety. The illustrations were cute and it had a happy ending so I don’t have any complaints.

Rating: 7/10

Would I recommend it? Sure!

Would I read again? Probably not. It was good, and an easy read, but I don’t find myself reaching for graphic novels often.

The Charm Offensive – Alice Cochrun

When I picked this book up I didn’t expect any characters to be ace, but the main character is demisexual! This book was one I saw on BookTok, and if you know me, you know I have let BookTok screw me over again and again. I see a book on BookTok, everyone says they love it. I get said book. I read book. I don’t like book. I get upset everyone told me to read mediocre book. I go on BookTok. I pick up another book. The cycle continues.

Well thank god this book broke that cycle.

The Charm Offensive follows Dev and Charlie through a split POV as Dev works on a television show – basically The Bachelor – and ends up falling for the bachelor himself, Charlie. This is obviously an issue as Charlie has just realized he’s gay, and is most definitely supposed to fall in love with a woman on the show he signed up for to fix his reputation. This book was so cute. It was funny and sweet and I read it so quickly. Plus, there’s a tiny short story the author published called A Charmed Christmas that gives a quick update on the characters in the future.

Charlie is demisexual and Dev, who is allo, is nothing but supportive of this part of his identity. The ace representation was subtle, but nevertheless there, and that’s all I could ask for.

Rating: 8/10.

Would I recommend it? Yes!!

Would I read again? In a couple years I could definitely see myself picking this one back up for an easy, uplifting read.

Kiss Her Once for Me – Alice Cochrun

Because I loved TCO so much I obviously had to read another book by Alice. And to (slightly less) of my surprise, the main character was once again demisexual. I would bet a decent amount of money this isn’t a coincidence and Alice herself is demi, so that means I’m probably supporting ace authors by buying her books and that’s a win/win situation!

KHOFM is a Christmas romance, though I think you could read it any time of year. Ellie and Jack had a meet-cute a year ago on Christmas that lasted only a single day, and due to some events we learn about later cause Ellie to run from the situation, leaving this perfect woman behind. In the present Ellie is still heartbroken over this amazing Christmas love affair. However, she is struggling to make ends meet, so she decides to join a crazy fake-marriage plan with her boss who promises to give her part of his inheritance he’ll earn only when he’s married. Ellie and Jack end up meeting again, and Ellie has to figure out if she should stay loyal to her faux-fiancé or follow her true feelings.

This was super cute and wasn’t as predictable as you might think. Plus, the character’s met at Powell’s Bookstore, and I’m currently writing a screenplay where the characters meet as Powell’s which is a crazy, but cool, coincidence.

Rating: 7.5/10

Would I recommend it? Yes!

Would I read again? Like Alice’s other book I could see myself reading this again a couple years from now.

Asexual Erotics – Ela Przybylo

Asexual Erotics is not for the weak. Be warned: this book is a challenging read. And as someone very interested in queer theory, someone who consumes queer media, reads queer and feminist theory for fun, and is currently in school for a minor in gender and sexuality studies, this book had me scratching my head in confusion.

This book is incredibly academic. However, it is also incredibly interesting. While there are some paragraphs and sentences my brain skims over with lack of comprehension, there are certainly some amazing lines. Working on Audre Lorde’s theory of erotic, Przybylo defines erotics as “energy of collective struggle to end oppression” and ties this theory into race, lesbian bed death, feminist theory, spinsters, and the asexual child.

In order to explain this, here’s some sentences I found incredibly interesting:

“Ianna Hawkins Owens discusses how compulsory heterosexuality has uneven racial histories, such that whiteness has tended to emulate an ‘asexuality-as-ideal’ as demonstrative of a form of innocence, moral, control, and restraint, while black people have often been positioned as hypersexual so as to justify enslavement, lynching, and other instruments of racism.”

“Kathryn Kent argues that in the postbellum period and the early twentieth century, marriage signified differently for white women and black women such that white women sought self-autonomy through refusing marriage while black women sought self-determination and entry into the public sphere through marrying.”

I haven’t completed this book in total yet, and I’m currently about half way through. I found the introduction to be interesting, and the first and second chapter to be interesting but definitely more theorizing than actually proving anything. However, the second half of the book covers topics I think will peak my interest, so I’ll let you know when I finish,

Rating: TBD

Would I recommend it? Yes! However this is not for the faint of heart.

Would I read again? I can see myself using this as an academic piece in classes and discussions on asexuality. I would probably re-read certain parts and not the book in its entirety.

Childhood Signs I was Asexual and Queer

I’ve seen a lot of videos on YouTube where people talk about childhood signs they were gay or trans or non-binary or what-have-you, so today that’s what I’m going to share with you!

Now. I will say this is a bit different from other experiences and sexualities. The first is because little kids don’t experience sexual attraction (duh). So for the sake of this post, most of these statements are things I felt or thought about from the age of twelve (ish) onward. Additionally, there weren’t a ton of signs I liked girls as a kid because I genuinely did like boys, and my lack of sexual attraction definitely played a role in that. And of course none of these things made me asexual or queer. A lot of people could probably relate to some of these in some aspect, but for me they ended up connecting to my queerness.

Nevertheless, here are some childhood signs I was asexual:

I wanted to adopt kids.

Ever since the fifth or sixth grade I have wanted to adopt kids, and it was always a big if. Now, I’m not that interested in having kids, but if I did, I would still want to adopt. This is a personal preference but also in connection to my asexuality that you…uh… have to have sex to get pregnant, and somewhere in my inner subconscious I knew I would never do that. And in relation to this point we move onto our next one…

I didn’t want to be pregnant.

Getting pregnant…not for me. I have a distinct memory of being in the sixth grade and thinking I didn’t want to be pregnant because I would have to try to get pregnant and that was gross. I thought that was just me being an immature kid and I wouldn’t think that later but eight years later here we are.

Side rant, I think it has been way too normalized for straight couples to go on and on about how they’re trying for kids (given they’re trying to conceive “naturally”). Like, okay Jennifer, we get it, your husband is going down on you every night. I do not need that imagery. Time and place. Plus, Jennifer would go out of her way to say something weird about queer couples adopting or going through IVF. The hypocrisy is crazy.

I wanted to keep my last name.

I’ve definitely talked about this before but I have another distinct memory of being in the fifth grade and thinking I would only take my husband’s last name if it was really cool. I still agree with this but with a wife or partner. And I mostly just want to hyphenate my name with my partner’s if it sounds good. And if it doesn’t, no biggy, I’ll just keep mine and not have to go through the legal loopholes.

I never had a lot of crushes.

I never had a lot of crushes growing up and part of it made me feel mature because I wasn’t boy crazy. Even now, I still don’t crush on people very often. I thought a lot of the boys around me were gross and not up to my standards, and I still think that! However, now I know my asexuality plays a huge role in that. I don’t get crushes on people because I feel sexually attracted to them. I have to think they’re pretty aesthetically attractive or I know something about them that makes me see them as a good partner.

In middle school I had a friend I thought was so pretty and cool.

In the sixth grade I was friends with this girl who was in my orchestra class and she had dyed hair and I thought it was so cool. I remember thinking she was so pretty and I wanted to hang out with her. Now, I’m all for intimate female friendships and appreciating your friends’ beauty, but this sounds pretty gay. Looking back this was definitely the first crush I had on a girl, and Little Jadey didn’t even know! In her defense, the crushes I have on people do feel like a pretty intimate friendship, because I don’t have any sexual thoughts, so Little Jadey couldn’t have dug into it that much.

I thought I was a late bloomer (of sorts).

Now I wasn’t actually a super late bloomer. I wasn’t the first in any capacity, but I wasn’t the last. I didn’t have my first real crush until the seventh grade, and that was pretty late compared to my peers. Because of this, I figured I wasn’t interested in sex due to that, and in a few years, by the time I reached college, I would be interested. Now as an almost twenty year old college student I still don’t want sex. Wow! All these feelings I thought would arrive when I was a teenager never came.

I was fascinated by gay people.

One time in the eighth grade a woman came in as a guest speaker. She was with this other guy, and honestly I have no idea what they were even talking about. Probably about their job and college and giving us inspiration for what we could do or be in the future. Anyway, that’s not important. The important thing is that I just knew she was gay. The way she looked and the way she acted, and at the time I didn’t even know that much about the queer community. I just knew, and the whole time I waited for her to drop a hint about her wife or something, and she never did. And the sorta sad thing is, I still feel this way now. When I’m out and about I still get secretly excited to see other queer people. I don’t feel this way at school or with people around my age, because there are just queer people because it’s more accepted in my generation. However with adults I get excited because it’s pretty rare to see an older queer person. I hardly ever see trans adults who are grown up and happy, or gay men who are fathers or grandfathers. And unfortunately that’s due to a high suicide rate and the AIDS crisis.

All in all these things are memories and feelings I look back on and can see how they relate to my life now. It’s crazy to think about me as a little kid and know that Little Jadey has been queer all along, and she has so much to find out and love about herself.

Similarities, Differences, and Commonalities Amongst Male and Female Asexuals: A Friend Interview!

You guys. It’s an exciting day in the World of Jadey and the World of Average Asexual. Why? Because I’ve made a friend! Plus, he’s ace! I know. We’re all shocked. Jadey knows how to make friends?!

It’s a very exciting day because he’s going to answer some questions about his asexual and aromantic identity for the sake of education and curiosity so we get to compare and contrast our ace experiences. I am so excited for this post. Personally I hadn’t met any ace boys up until this point in my life. The other ace people I know are female or AFAB non binary/gender nonconforming people. And we all know that there aren’t that many asexuals so anytime I get to talk to another ace person, let alone befriend them, is a very exciting day.

I’ve conjured up a handful of questions that I had my friend Nolan answer. I also answered the questions myself, and compared and contrasted some things I found interesting.

How do you identify? (Gender, sexuality, pronouns, etc.) How long have you identified as ace/aro?

Nolan: I consider myself male (he/him) and am demiromantic (only feels romantic interest in people they have a pre-existing connection with) and apothisexual (repulsed by sexuality all together). A recurring theme when talking to people that are aro or ace is that once they learned it was a thing, there was no doubt in their mind that it perfectly summed up their orientation. It’s no different in my case; when I learned of the two spectrums a couple years ago, I felt an immense weight lifted from my shoulders, as I no longer needed to justify my differences and could feel comfortable in my own skin.

Jadey: I’m a cis female and use she/her pronouns. I’m ace (as we all know by now) and my romantic orientation is queer/unlabeled. I’ve identified as ace/queer for about two and a half years.

Unlike Nolan, there was no magical click in my brain when I heard about asexuality for the first time. I’ve heard a lot of aces say that when they heard the term they immediately knew that was the label for them. Just like my understanding of my queerness, it took a long time for me to really understand what labels fit me and how I identified. However, once I came out as queer and ace I became super comfortable in those labels and feel super happy about being out and ace!

Do you feel that you fit into queer spaces?

Nolan: Yes and no. Almost all my friends are queer and I like learning about their experiences, but it’s something I’m relatively new to. As the leader of my college’s Neurodiversity Club, I’ve wanted to do a collaboration with the college’s Pride Club, seeing as our members are all queer. Since most of us aren’t active in the Pride Club, I think it’d be a perfect opportunity for us to explore the intersectionality of Neurodiversity and LGBT identities. In short, it’s a work-in-progress, but I look forward to establishing myself more in queer spaces.

Jadey: I do feel that I fit into queer spaces. I think my preference for women/gnc people definitely adds to my feeling of queerness. My aceness adds a layer different from the general queer population, but it feels queer nonetheless.

I also am in predominantly queer spaces. Yay! Gay people! Besides attending Pride Club, my major consists of a lot of queer people, and I surround myself with queerness in other aspects as well. I write about queerness and consume a lot of queer media. I do have some queer friends, but my closest friends are cishet. Thankfully they are all amazing allies and celebrate my queerness and are never afraid to make a gay joke when the opportunity presents itself.

Do you feel that your gender impacted how you came to terms with your aceness? Do you feel that it was harder to come out/accept your aceness because of masculine stereotypes of being sexual?

Nolan: Honestly, no. I’ve been a non-conformist for all my life, and that extended to my avoidance of sexual topics or ideas before discovering asexuality. With the family and friends I came out to, it wasn’t a challenge convincing them I wanted to live a celibate life (that was clear), but rather that it was an identity in the same vein as being gay or transgender. As they saw it, asexuality is a lifestyle choice defined by restraint instead of an absence of sexual feelings, and it’s a point I always try to make when explaining asexuality that while I’m proud of it, it isn’t a choice I made for myself.

Jadey: (For the sake of this question I’ll be answering it with feminine stereotypes.) I don’t think my gender impacts how I came to terms with my sexuality. When I was figuring it out I knew of a lot of other queer people and women, so it never crossed my mind that there was some sort of stereotype of female sexuality I needed to uphold. I also ever internalized any societal expectations of women’s sexuality, so there weren’t any obstacles I had to face to be comfortable in my identity. If anything, my asexuality and queerness make me feel less feminine. And this is by no means a bad thing. There are simply feminine experiences that I don’t experience as a sapphic asexual.

I guess aces are just non-conformists. It seems that our gender didn’t impact our experiences with our sexuality and the both of us didn’t struggle with preconceived notions of how we should experience sexuality.

Do you see yourself represented in the community (queer or ace specific)?

Nolan: I’d say so, especially as I meet more people from both communities. With asexuality there are a lot of variations, like demisexuality and cupiosexuality, and meeting more people has shed light on how many perspectives there are. Even so, when meeting someone from a different subset we still tend to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, especially (cliché as it sounds) how nice non-sexual things are and that there’s too much emphasis on sexuality in today’s society. With the queer community I also feel well represented, with the intersectionality of neurodiversity and queerness being a consistent topic in the Neurodivergence Club since it’s something we can all bond over.

Jadey: I definitely see myself represented in the queer community largely due to my romantic orientation. There are less aces but there are still some. Plus, my existence allows other unlabeled aces to exist and know someone is like them!

There is definitely a niche understanding when meeting other ace people. It’s truly a feeling I can’t explain. Personally I feel quite a deep understanding and connection with other aces no matter how well I know them simply due to the fact that we both don’t experience sexual attraction, and there’s a language surrounding our identity a lot of other people, queer or straight, don’t get. I also definitely agree with Nolan that it’s easy to see yourself in other groups as well due to the intersectionality of my identity. I agree with a lot feminist discourse as well as queer ideology and those things can oftentimes go hand in hand.

Do you feel that you can’t relate to other men or do you feel “othered” by your aceness? (In other words does your gender play into how you might feel isolated by asexuality?)

Nolan: It may not feel like it in college, but there’s plenty of allosexual men that don’t make a big deal of sexuality, and since those are the men I associate with the most, I tend not to feel ‘othered’ on that front. Where it does become an issue is with me being arospec; I’m demiromantic, with this making me feel alienated from guy-friends that have more to say than I do on relationships. Even so, this kind of dynamic isn’t exclusive to men, it’s just easier to compare my romantic orientation to other men and feel ‘othered’ in doing so than with my sexual orientation.

Jadey: (Once again I’ll be talking about relating to other women.) I do sometimes feel that I don’t relate to other women due to my aceness more so than my attraction to women. It’s easier to say “boyfriend or girlfriend” for example, to create space for me, rather than include asexuality in discussions about relationships and significant others which is a popular topic in society, but especially with my age group. However, most of the time I feel that I fit in, and when I don’t, I would say it is because of my aceness and not other aspects of my identity.

Wow, some differences here! It’s interesting how we both don’t feel super alienated by our identities. I feel like cishet/allo people might think we do, but turns out we don’t! I would also agree that the people I spend time with aren’t very consumed with sex and sexuality, so that does help me fit into spaces.

Do you know other asexual men? (If you don’t, do you want to? Or does gender not matter when meeting/befriending other aces?)

Nolan: Not to my knowledge. I’d be thrilled to meet someone that was, since it could mean knowing someone with a similar outlook as mine, but I don’t think it could only happen with men. In fact, I have almost the same outlook on asexuality as some of the non-male asexuals I’ve met, so while it’d be exciting to meet another asexual man, I wouldn’t expect him to have the same perspective as mine. Overall, every asexual person has their own personality and experience, and I’ve learned not to expect anyone’s approach to asexuality to be predictable.

Jadey: I technically know one other ace guy (besides Nolan), but I didn’t know that he was ace until I graduated high school and we went our separate ways. So technically yes! But I definitely know a lot more female or non binary people who identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Gender doesn’t matter to me. I think it would be cool to be friends with more guys and ace guys specifically because it would be interesting to learn about their experience. However I’m happy to be friends with anyone no matter their gender or sexuality.

For the reader at home, it’s way more likely that women identify as asexual rather than men (this could be largely due to societal stereotypes of men being sexual, and the pressure they feel to uphold that. Booo toxic masculinity). The majority or asexual people I know are women, and the rest are trans or non binary. Because asexuality is such a vast experience, I know I wouldn’t be able to fully relate to any ace, but we would definitely have some commonalities.

Is your asexuality intertwined with your aromantic identity? Was it harder to realize you were ace or aro?

Nolan: I wouldn’t say it was harder to realize, but it was harder to accept that I was aro. The idea of having a romantic relationship appeals to me, and I didn’t want to be arospec if it meant not being able to connect with other people on that level. The honest truth, though, is that my idea of a happy and fulfilling relationship is vastly different from most people’s; my idea of intimacy involves sharing life experiences and opening up to another, but I balk at the idea of love that seems shallow or possessive, hence my discomfort with sexuality and serial monogamy. Overall, I’d say my asexual and aromantic identities are closely interlinked, but they’re also very different from the other, with sex being something I’m averse to while the idea of romance captivates me.

Jadey: Since I’m not aromantic, I’ll talk about my allo identity and the confusion I’ve had with that. I will say that my asexuality and alloromantic identity are more connected than I initially thought. For a while I questioned if I was on the aro spectrum, and for a split second did consider my romantic orientation on the aro spectrum. Now I don’t think it is. I’ve questioned if I might be demiromantic, but I figured if I enter into a relationship and develop feelings after a deep connection has formed, then I’ll know. However, I do think that my sex-aversion affects what I consider romantic in a relationship. For example, many people consider kissing romantic, but that feels super sexual for me and therefore I don’t want to do it! For my case, it was harder for me to realize I was ace than that I liked women. I figured that out first, and after/a bit during, it was something I considered. Once I realized my identity was not straight, I had more space in my brain to consider being ace. That took a long time because I was confused. No one really sits you down to explain sexual attraction and libido and all the things, so I had to search the web for ages to try and figure out what those things meant in a way I understood. Once I was able to do that I could begin to understand that sexual attraction was something I didn’t experience, and that made me asexual. During this time I was also afraid of being wrong. I simply just didn’t want to insert myself into an oppressed community and realize I was wrong and leave. Obviously, you can jump in and out of the community, and consider a million and one labels and you’ll always be accepted. At the time it was just something I was quite concerned about.

Wow, I had a lot to say about that. This just proves that the ace experience is so complex and different and interesting!!

Let’s Talk About “ace song” by Izzie Burton

As one does, I was scrolling on TikTok, and, thanks to the algorithm knowing me better than I know myself, came across a video of a person using a filter to tell you what asexual stereotype you are (there is also an aromantic one if anyone was curious). I got “You may of thought that wanting sex in high school was overrated.” Now, besides the minor grammatical errors in that statement, that is true, and although that was fun, I was mostly intrigued by the song that played with the filter. Upon my first listen it seemed to be a song about asexuality so I did some investigating (I clicked two buttons) and found out what song it was. Turns out the person who uploaded it was Izzie Burton and it was an ace song, which was literally called “ace song.” I immediately went to Spotify to see if the full version was out. (If you don’t know, a lot of people tease parts of songs on TikTok before they’re released.)

It was out, which was a great surprise to me, because as we all probably know by now, there are not a lot of asexual songs out there. There are a few songs that have been claimed as ace songs, but many of them are not written by people who identify as asexual. So, I was very interested to see what this song was about.

Unfortunately, “ace song” is not a happy song, but it was certainly one that represented the ace experience well. I decided it was only necessary to do an analysis of the song (being the English major that I am) and discuss the importance of ace voices.

To me, this song was the opposite of “We’ll Never Have Sex,” a song written by Leith Ross celebrating asexuality. “ace song” was a really cool alternate version of the ace experience. “We’ll Never Have Sex” is one of my favorite songs, discussing a simple relationship filled with love for the sake of love, without sex. However, it’s very important to have multiple narratives of asexuality. There seems to be (with a lot of minority experiences) a single narrative. There are assumptions made about the community that aren’t always true. “ace song” gives another experience of a relationship and the truth that ace relationships can be challenging and upsetting.

Izzie Burton is a singer who has been releasing music on all streaming platforms since 2022. She produces very stripped down songs with minimal production where her voice is the prevalent instrument. “ace song” is accompanied by a soft guitar track. I haven’t been able to find the full lyrics online so the lyrics here are simply what I heard.

The song starts out with the lyrics “I don’t want to kiss you, or maybe I do,” and damn we’re getting right into a classic ace experience. I personally relate heavily to this line, as an ace who likes the idea of kissing, but doesn’t actively participate in it. I want to want to kiss people. It sounds fun and romantic. But the actual idea of kissing someone makes me feel icky and uncomfortable.

That line is followed by “You said that you understood/I don’t think you do.” Burton seems to be singing about a romantic partner in this song, but this line is universal in the ace experience. No one, besides other aces, understand the ace experience. It’s quite a niche identity, and experiencing sexual attraction is portrayed as a universal experience. To no fault of their own, some of the most important people in my life will never know how I truly experience life. My mom and sister and best friends will never truly understand no matter how much research they do. They simply will never experience asexuality.

Later, Burton sings “I just want love.” Arguably, that’s what everyone wants. It doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual, but everyone wants to feel loved and accepted. When wondering about her feelings of love, she asks “But is it something I’m not capable of?” Although this is an ace experience, it reminds me of the aromantic experience, and the difficulty aros face with feeling like something might be wrong with them because they don’t experience romantic attraction (which there is obviously nothing wrong about that, aro people slay).

It seems that her partner seemed like a good fit, but Burton reveals that they are not when she sings “I thought you’d be different/that made it just hurt worse.” I understood this relationship to be one where Burton dates someone who is allosexual. They claim to respect her asexuality, but yet their actions say otherwise, hurting Burton more than a simple rejection of her asexuality from the start.

Then we have the most painful line: “But when you said something’s wrong/we both know that you meant me.” WOAH. I was nearly in tears hearing that for the first time. Burton expresses the painful realization that her partner isn’t happy in the relationship, and the blame is put on her due to her asexuality. Being an ace person, I can’t help but wonder if my asexuality, something I can’t control, is what deters people from dating me. Would people be interested in me if I wasn’t ace? Is my asexuality going to leave me alone and unloved? It’s a difficult thing to work through, and Burton lays the truth out so simply through such a difficult situation. I can imagine that nothing hurts worse than being rejected for a core part of who you are. This is definitely a large reason many ace people feel broken or not good enough, because our allonormative society views sex as a necessary part of relationships.

The last verse reminds me of Phoebe Bridger’s “Waiting Room.” In that song, Bridgers repeats the line “Know it’s for the better,” nearly forty times until the listener becomes numb to the sound. Although Burton doesn’t sing her line nearly that much, she does repeat the line “Just hold me, could that be enough?” quite a bit. The repetition of this line portrays her deep desire for acceptance and a relationship without sex. I relate to this line heavily, as I too desire a relationship where love is shown through simple forms of physical touch like being held by the person you love.

Anyway. Another day another ace analysis. I think this song is super slay and a great emotional song about the ace experience. I hope Izzie comes out with more songs about her ace identity. I know myself and other ace community members appreciate her art and look forward to more.

You can listen to the song on YouTube here.

Asexual Books You Should and Shouldn’t Read

As an English major, an asexual, and a writer, I think it is only fitting that I discuss what asexual books are good, and which ones are…not so good. Now, I have obviously not read every book about asexuality to ever exist, but I have read a couple, and I definitely have opinions on them. I am always looking to read more about asexual characters and experiences, so maybe one day we’ll have a part two.

Also, there is an issue with underrepresentation with ace stories, so my selection to choose form is not incredibly large. However there are a good number of ace stories I haven’t read, and definitely plan to work my way through.

Anyway, here are the books on asexuality that you should and shouldn’t read:

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex – Angela Chen

Ace was the first book I read on asexuality, and arguably the most well known book about the ace experience. I really enjoyed this book, and out of all the books I’ve listed, I found this one the most educational. There were some personal stories shared by the author about her romantic partner that I found frustrating to read. That was mostly due to the author’s insecurity and struggle with her ace identity. It was a very personal thing to include, it just wasn’t relatable to me as an ace person. She discussed great points of intersectionality in the community such as race, gender nonconformity, and disability. This was certainly the most thought provoking read on asexuality.

Rating: 4.5/5 (I previously gave this book a 10/10 when I talked about it here but I think that might be a touch too high).

Would I recommend it? Yes! I would recommend this to people in the community, other queer people, and allies looking for a deep dive into understanding the ace experience.

Would I read again? Yes!

I Am Ace – Cody Daigle-Orians

I Am Ace is written by social media content creator Cody Daigle-Orians. Cody is best known for their YouTube Channel, Ace Dad Advice. I occasionally watch their videos and decided to read their book to support an ace creator, my local bookstores, and to see if I, a reasonably well-educated ace, could learn anything from a book that was deemed one for “beginners.”

Turns out I had so many more opinions than I thought I would.

First of all, I hate the font. The font is weird and not dark enough and there is so much space in the margins and the words that are too big just jump all the way down to the next line leaving big awkward gaps where words are supposed to be. There were a lot of sentences in parentheticals which felt odd to me. The format of the book itself felt out of place. There were big bold questions and bullet points and lists and it didn’t read like a novel at times.

Additionally, and this is something I’ve found throughout Cody’s content, there was a lot of repetition about the stereotypes of asexuality. Listen, it is important to bring awareness to stereotypes and prejudices in the community, but as an ace person who has heard those, and has never experienced them myself, it was quite annoying. I don’t need to be reminded that people think I’m broken and weird. And even if I had heard those things about my sexuality, I don’t need to be reminded of it!

There were also a lot of bad analogies and ones that just didn’t make sense to me.

I learned about fictosexual and felt aphobic. Fictosexual is where people only experience sexual attraction to fictional characters and not people…listen…I’m all for supporting other aces…but are some of these micro labels going a bit too far?!

There were a few good things about this book. The personal anecdotes Cody told about themselves and their partners were interesting. There were some good discussions at times about ace joy and experiences, but overall the cons outweigh the pros.

Rating: 2/5

Would I recommend it? Probably not. I could see this beginning good for an ally wanting an introduction to quality, but honestly there are better books.

Would I read again? No.

A Quick and Easy Guide to Asexuality – Molly Muldoon and Will Hernandez

This book was exactly what it was titled. This was a graphic novel written by two aces to give new or younger aces an introduction into the community.

I read it in one sitting and even had my mom read it who found it educational but also confusing.

Because it was a beginner guide I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to learn, but even I learned something new! Turns out axolotls are a mascot for the ace community. I don’t know exactly why, probably because of the ace-olotl meme. But I don’t really need a reason. They’re cool so I’ll take them.

The only thing this book didn’t discuss was the more inner-community jokes and stereotypes such as aces love cake and garlic bread (those things were on the cover but weren’t discussed at length). It didn’t mention ace rings, but honestly I could see them making a part two and it would be really cute.

Rating: 4/5

Would I recommend it? Yes! This book would be great for anyone. Aces, allos, other queer people, young people, older people, everyone!

Would I read again? Yes but it was so short and simple I didn’t feel the need to go out of my way to relearn anything or revisit it because I knew a lot already.

Gender Queer: a Memoir – Maia Kobabe

I got this book for free at school during banned book week and read it in one day

While writing this post I decided to read the reviews, and oh boy were people mad. Now, I don’t know what libraries this book was in, but according to some very angry people it was in elementary school libraries.

I doubt that.

However, if it were, people definitely have a right to be mad because this book is not for kids, however it is definitely for those over the age of thirteen, and if this were in a high school library that would be acceptable. There are some sexual images, but honestly they were quite mild. If I, a sex averse ace, can handle them certainly an allosexual 60 year old republican can too.

This book was good, I can see this book being important for those figuring out their gender. This person shared real struggles,and although they were not ones I faced, and I sometimes did not agree with how e handled things, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad book. This was one person’s real experience, and e are obviously a talented individual who just wanted to share eir story.

No, this book was not indoctrinating kids. No, this book was not pornography as some angry republicans think. This book is for teenagers and adults looking to read a book about someone who isn’t a cisgender straight white man.

Out of all the books I read on this list this one is the least about asexuality. Although the author is asexual, this story was more about eir journey to figure out eir gender and eir asexuality was more of a subplot. This was also the only book I’ve read where someone uses exclusively neopronouns. At times the author seemed to be a bit insecure and lacked confidence to truly express themselves. This is obviously a relatable issue, but can be somewhat difficult (and by difficult I mean kind of annoying) to read. This person also talked about eir experience with receiving pap smears, and honestly I hope they talk to someone about it because they had an awful experience. I do think however they could have included more about how e should have handled that because it came across as scary and painful and overall bad, perpetuating the idea that reproductive health is scary and something you should avoid which is not a message we need to be sending.

Rating: 3/5

Would I recommend it? Sure!

Would I read again? Probably not. It was good but personally I’m not a big graphic novel person so I don’t typically reach for this kind of book.

Loveless – Alice Oseman

I talked (or yelled) about this novel here.

As for fictional books representing asexuality, this is probably the most popular, and for good reasons. This is the only book on this list where the character is also aromantic. I usually read books about asexual alloromantic characters because that speaks to my experience the most. The diversity in this book was great, the topics discussed were relatable, and friendship was prioritized.

Rating: 5/5

Would I recommend it? Yes 100%!

Would I read again? Definitely. Everytime I see this book in stores I think about how I want to reread it.

I’m currently reading Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda Brown, so I’m sure one day I’ll have another post dedicated to ace books. Until then!

Sex Education’s New Asexual Character Isn’t What Asexual Viewers Wanted

This post contains discussion of the fourth season of Sex Education and spoilers are included. Read at your own risk!

Sarah “O” Owens is Sex Education’s new and explicitly asexual character. She’s edgy, a woman of color, and a sex therapist. She’s breaking stereotypes of what it means for someone to be asexual. Heck, asexual activist Yasmin Benoit worked with the show to create the script to create O. This was an opportunity for asexuality to be portrayed positively in an extremely popular television show.

I was so excited. I knew if Yasmin, a creator I’ve been following for well over a year, created this character, she was going to be awesome.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I dislike this character immensely. She’s mean. She’s cold. She’s a bully.

All and all, she is unlikeable.

Now, from my understanding this wasn’t supposed to be the case. Yasmin took to Instagram a few days after the new season was aired stating that “some important moments were cut out or changed” from the original script, making O out to be a less likable character. According to the comments on that post by other aces, they find this is upsetting, but not surprising.

Important aspects of the character, including intersectionality of race, privilege, and acephobia were cut from the show. Yasmin states that “There was meant to be a scene of O receiving acephobic bullying in camp & deflecting by shifting focus to Ruby.” Unfortunately these lines were removed, and O was made out to be a bully, making fun of her friends to seemingly fit in with the other popular girls at camp when the girls were younger.

Yasmin even goes to say that “portraying an asexual character as inherently “cold” was dangerous.” I agree. We all know there are many asexual stereotypes out there, and portraying an explicit ace character as someone rude and selfish continues to push the narrative that asexual people are emotionless, robotic, and broken.

Understandably, “O was not meant to be a villain. She was a WOC being pushed out of a space she had found success in by a white guy who thought he deserved to be there more than her.” O does come across unlikeable, but that isn’t too shocking for the show. Many of the characters make frustrating decisions and at times are unlikeable, however, O seemed to have no likable qualities until later in the show.

Supposedly, O was “meant to be the target of a petty smear campaign that led her to being outed.” Some scenes from the episode where O was outed must have been changed, because as a viewer, and most importantly as an ace person, it did not seem crucial for O to come out in front of the entire school. I watched this episode, cringing at the debate knowing that O was going to come out, but praying that it wouldn’t happen. It was too predictable. The idea made me uncomfortable. Obviously it still happened.

There’s a scene where Otis and O are stuck in an elevator, or lift, as the British say, and they’re forced to talk to each other even though they’re rivals, campaigning to win the spot to have the only on-campus sex clinic. Why can’t there be two clinics…I guess that wouldn’t make for a good plot.

During this scene, O reveals how she just wanted to fit in with the other kids, and deeply regrets what she did to Ruby. She began learning about sex to seem educated around her peers, which became a passion for her and she ended up starting her clinic. Sadly, she asks “Who wants to have sex advice from someone who doesn’t have sex?”

Obviously, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. I’m glad they portrayed the isolation that many aces feel, including myself. It is really strange to have everyone around you feel the same way, and you be the only one who doesn’t understand.

During this conversation Otis asks her if she said she was ace just to make him look bad, suggesting she is lying about her sexuality. I had a visceral reaction to this comment, cringing at how ignorant and aphobic it was. This was obviously meant to highlight aphobia and teach Otis, as well as the viewers how many ace people feel isolated, and aphobic comments do a lot of harm.

Finally, O seemed to come around after a more touching scene. She became friendlier with everyone, including Otis, who let O have her clinic on campus after seeing how much it meant to her.

I’m obviously upset that this character who was explicitly ace was very unlikeable. I really wanted a relatable ace character, and I feel as though I did not relieve that. O is breaking a lot of stereotypes for what it means to be asexual, and I so appreciate that, however I wish she did what the community expected of her.

This just goes to show that asexual representation is needed even more, and the media needs to put in more work to represent our community.

I Tried out “Asexual Friendly” Dating Apps

For the sake of science I decided to try online dating…again.

We all know I had quite the time on Tinder (if you didn’t know that you can read about it here) and since then I have not had any romantic encounters or ventured onto any other dating apps. However, the other day my dear friend, Rana, who was a part of the Tinder Experiment asked me if there was an asexual dating app.

An ace dating app?! That was something I had never even thought of, so I quickly went onto the World Wide Web to check it out.

And to my disappointment, there was not one.

However, upon further research (aka skimming Reddit) I was informed about two dating apps that were portrayed as “asexual friendly” so I decided to do what any curious ace does, and download them. The apps recommended were HER and Taimi, but the first app that popped up when I researched Taimi was Zoe, and Taimi had poor reviews, so I downloaded Zoe as well as HER. There was another dating app I got ads for a lot on Tiktok, but I couldn’t remember the name, so these were the only two I looked at.

I first downloaded HER and did all the things. I made my little profile, put my name and pronouns, and uploaded a few pictures. I gave the basic information: I’m asexual and queer, 19, an Aquarius, I don’t drink or smoke, etc etc. My bio said “probs crocheting and listening to conan gray :).” Very creative? No. Very accurate? I’d have to say yes.

After that I began my swiping. Now, the following I’m going to say might be kinda rude. But I’m being honest about my experience, so here goes.

Everyone was ugly. Half of the pictures I swiped on looked like they had been taken on a toaster, and the other half seemed to be people trying to look hot or cool by including pictures of their boobs or them smoking. And sure…that’s what some people like, but that’s not my cup of tea.

Additionally, a lot of the people were overweight, and as someone who prioritizes their health and is at the gym five days a week, that was quite a turn off.

Because of all of that, I ended up swiping left on everyone. I know I have a somewhat specific type, but geez, how hard is it to upload a picture of your entire face, not just half?! It must have been an off day in the world of online dating because it wasn’t the cream of the crop as they say.

Listen, I’m clearly not an online dating pro…or even really an enthusiast, but come on. Like, at least choose a good picture for your profile?! And don’t even get me started on the people who just posted memes or pictures of their cat.

HER was basically the same experience as Tinder. I didn’t find people very attractive, no one was my type, and I permanently deleted my account.

I didn’t have much hope for the next app, but I did decide I wanted to try and keep it a bit longer than the first one because I downloaded HER for approximately ten minutes. I know I know, not a very good experiment, but what can I say, I’m an English major, not a STEM girly.

Zoe was a bit easier to navigate than HER, although I did have to add all the info about myself manually, the app didn’t direct me to it, plus the selections I could make for my interests were pretty limited. There wasn’t even a single option for crafts, crocheting, or CrossFit!

Also I couldn’t figure out how to get the distance out of kilometers so I actually had no idea how far away anyone was. I ended up swiping left on every single one of the people within a fifty kilometer radius of me, so I had to expand it to one hundred…which put my potential suitors out of state.

Much to my surprise, I actually saw one person who I thought was somewhat attractive so I swiped right. And a bit later a second because, for science, I should probably swipe on more people. Unfortunately they didn’t match with me, so after about thirty minutes I deleted the app.

So, are these “asexual friendly” dating apps actually good for ace people?

For what I was looking for, no.

There wasn’t an option to seek out other aces or just people looking for a nonsexual relationship which is what I would prefer. Having a specific section for romantic relationships would also eliminate a lot of the people looking for friends with benefits, a third, an experiment, or the people who put a whole lot of boob in their photos.

Is it possible to meet someone on these apps? Well yeah, of course. I personally don’t see myself turning to dating apps for a couple reasons. One, at the moment I’m perfectly happy being single. Maybe if I was a bit older, instead of a literal teenager I would put a bit more effort into finding a significant other. But let’s be real, what’s the chance I meet the love of my life at nineteen? Unless I’m actually in the year 1950 or unbeknownst to me, attending BYU, I’m gonna say pretty darn unlikely.

Secondly, I would prefer to meet someone in person. However, that doesn’t mean in the future I won’t try online dating, and heck, maybe my blog post in a couple months will be how I’m in the happiest relationship ever thanks to online dating. You never know what the universe has in store.

Now, it would be interesting if I met someone I actually liked on these apps, and instead had a story about how I’m talking to someone and excited about it, but alas, that is not my current situation. And honestly, I didn’t expect it to be. I downloaded the apps to see if I could easily meet other ace people, with a pretty sure hunch I wouldn’t. And I was right.

What did we learn from this experiment?

Someone needs to make a dating app for asexuals, or at least a dating app where one can filter the exact type of relationship they’re looking for.

I also learned that a lot of people on dating apps are high key uggo and don’t know how to post good pictures of themselves.

Also, a lot of people are overweight and smoke and drink.

I am never one to lower my standards, and honestly, anytime I hear someone say to anyone that their standards are too high or they should, god forbid, settle, my standards go up out of spite.

Alright. That’s all the info I got. Maybe my next blog post will be about a great new ace dating app I found, but until then, I’ll be staying away from online dates.

Your Burning Questions – Answering Very Specific and Personal Questions About My Asexuality

It’s been a while since my last blog post so here I am, today with a very specific and detailed account of my asexuality. It has come to my attention that even my very closest friends still don’t exactly understand my asexuality, so today I will be answering questions they have asked me and other questions other asexuals seem to receive quite frequently.

Now, here are two disclaimers before we begin. The first is my usual one. I am but one little asexual in the world of thousands, if not millions of us. This is just the experience of one asexual, and I do not speak for the whole community. My answers might resonate with other aces, but alas, they will not be the same for every ace person out there.

The other is that these questions are ones I have been asked by people who care about me and are trying to learn about my experience, or questions I came up with that I thought people might have. That’s to say these probably aren’t very appropriate questions to ask every ace person you meet, just like you wouldn’t ask a straight allosexual person about their sex life five minutes after meeting them. However, we all know that I share practically everything about my asexuality on the internet, so basically no questions are off limits for me.

In case you’ve forgotten or you’re new to my blog, I am asexual and queer. I technically don’t label my romantic orientation but I use terms such as gay and queer loosely to describe my romantic attraction to women and gender nonconforming people. I have liked boys in the past, but I don’t typically experience romantic attraction to them.

One piece of information that might be helpful to know before you read these questions is the split attraction model; a model that recognizes that romantic and sexual orientation are not the same for some people.

The main types of attraction I’ll be talking about is my lack of sexual attraction, my obvious romantic attraction, as well as platonic and aesthetic.

Nevertheless, here are some very specific answers to your burning questions about asexuality:

What do you want in a relationship?

I want a romantic relationship. I know everyone says this, but I want my partner to be my best friend, probably a little seriously more than your average person. I say this because of the comfort level with my friends. We insult each other, give each other brutally honest advice, make unhinged jokes, be comfortable in silence, and just enjoy their presence. I want my entire future romantic relationship to feel like that, without the strange pressure of trying to impress a significant other. However, I think some of the pressure is automatically removed from my relationships due to my lack of sexual attraction.

I want to be with someone who feels like a best friend with added romantic elements such as hand holding, cuddling, living together, and raising pet children. Yes, you could do that platonically, but I feel a desire to do that with someone who I love romantically. I am also not physically affectionate to my friends in any way, so I would reserve physical touch to be a way to express my love for a significant other. Hopefully that answers another common question of “How is your relationship different from a friendship?”

Do you want to have sex?

No.

Why not?

I simply do not have the capability to feel that way towards someone. Just like how people are gay, they just simply don’t feel the same way about the opposite gender. I just wasn’t made that way.

Here’s a metaphor for you: allosexual people are hungry. Asexual people are full of food. I’m never hungry. I don’t crave even one more bite to eat. Sure, I could try some food. If I really wanted to, I could physically eat. But my body and brain aren’t telling me to eat, so I’m not going to because eating more would make me feel way too full and uncomfortable. That’s how I feel about sex. Why do it if I don’t have a desire to?

Will you ever have sex?

No. I feel as time goes on and I understand my asexuality more, sex becomes something I want to do less. I’m gonna be a virgin for life, and I’m chill with that.

What if your partner is not asexual?

If I happen to date someone who is not asexual, they would have to be okay with having a completely nonsexual relationship. And if they wanted a sexual relationship then I would be open to the idea of an open relationship so my hypothetical future partner could sleep with however they wanted because they weren’t gettin’ any from me.

Would you feel guilty that you can’t satisfy your partner?

I’ve thought about this a lot, and a lot plays into my answer. First, we’re going to assume that I have met the perfect person. The one. The love of my life. The person I am going to marry. My one true love! And in this scenario, let’s pretend they are allosexual. They want to have sex. They enjoy sex. However, they are perfectly content with having a nonsexual relationship even though they do experience sexual attraction. Let’s even say that this relationship is monogamous, and my hypothetical partner doesn’t feel the need to sleep with other people. Long story short, this person is perfect for me.

Yes. I think I would feel some type of guilt. Only because I know how important sex is to people, although it is not the most important thing, I don’t think many people would disagree that it is a big part of their relationship. Knowing that, and knowing if my partner was not with me they would be doing that, I would feel some sort of sadness that that is something I cannot give to them. Heck, at times I want to be able to do that, it seems fun and romantic and intimate. But, I just don’t feel that type of attraction, and being in a sexual relationship would be very uncomfortable, and it’s just out of the picture. I love that person and I want them to be happy, so I would feel like I was taking away a part of their satisfaction within the relationship. However, this is all made up since I have never dated an allosexual person, and I know those feelings would fade with communication and trust of my partner.

Do you want to kiss people?

I personally do not want to kiss people on the lips. For me that falls under the sexual attraction part, although that is not the case for everybody. I would be comfortable kissing someone on the cheek or forehead, or even the shoulder or hand. To me that feels much more casual and romantic.

Do you feel arousal?

Alas, I am but a biological human being, so I, as well as many ace people, do feel arousal. However, from my understanding, allosexual people feel that arousal is directed at something (another human), while asexual people feel arousal directed at well…nothing. If someone is attractive I wouldn’t feel aroused towards them, but if I saw a steamy scene in a movie or read a smutty book it might make me feel some type of way. However, sometimes I feel the other type of way…which would be uncomfortable and grossed out depending on what I was seeing and/or reading.

If you could, would you not be asexual?

No. My asexuality is a part of me, and it’s a part of me that I love. I truly enjoy being asexual and I wouldn’t change that. If for some reason my asexuality could be “cured,” I wouldn’t feel any desire to fix it.

How would you have kids?

I don’t want kids. And if I had kids I would adopt. There is no way I’m getting pregnant by dating women and not having sex, so there is literally no way a baby could end up in my uterus, plus being pregnant is something I have never imagined for myself and is something I truly cannot fathom. Plus, I don’t want to go through the long and expensive process of IVF, so kids are a no from me.

What if your partner is really hot?

Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean I don’t have eyes. If I came home and my partner was in, for example, wearing lingerie, aka looking super hot, I would simply admire their beauty and tell them how hot they look. I wouldn’t want them to take their clothes off. I would probably give them a hug and gay panic a little that I got so lucky and am dating the most beautiful person to ever exist. The aesthetic attraction I feel for them would be at an all time high.

To be honest before I started writing this I did not think I would have this many questions, so I hope you’re feeling informed. And if you have any other questions I’ll be happy to answer them in the comment section.

I’ll see you next week for another deep dive into my silly gay life.