As I’ve talked about many times before, it’s difficult for me to articulate my gender in a way I feel makes sense. That’s because I feel a connection between my sexuality as as queer ace person and how I present myself as a person. Simply put, I express my sexuality through my clothing, so even though I’m a cisgender female, I also just simply feel like a queer asexual person as a whole. My asexuality allows me to see the world differently, so I don’t see people as being sexually attractive, and therefore don’t see myself as a sexual being. I’m simply just a gal living life who is queer.  

Additionally, I know how my presentation is being read out in the world by the masses. I look very, very feminine a lot of the time. A lot of the time what feels feminine to me, what feels androgynous or masculine on my body, is not necessarily perceived from others the way it is perceived by me, the person picking out, wearing, and enjoying my clothes. 

I would put my style into two categories: the first being a woodland fairy, and the second being a slightly emo middle school boy. The former is where I wear lots of earth tones, long skirts, little lacy tank tops, and of course extravagant matching eye shadow. The ladder is where I throw on jorts and a band t-shirt, probably with some eyeliner or a darker makeup look. 

Some days I want to dress in a more masculine or androgynous way, and I’ve know I’ve won when my sister (in a joking way of course) says I “look like a they/them today.” Although that might not be the most politically correct way for her to say that, what she’s really saying is that I look queer and androgynous, so I take it as a compliment. 

I love both of these looks equally, and recently have been really into doing my makeup. All through high school I did my makeup every single morning, but when I got to college, I didn’t bother. Why wear makeup when I could sleep in and hit ten hours of sleep? My second semester I did my makeup occasionally, and now, back at school for my sophomore year, I do it everyday. 

I wear makeup because it’s fun. Just like painting my nails, which I religiously do, I use it to express myself, my creativity, and my queerness. I do understand that this makes me present as a very feminine person. I have long hair with streaks of orange, I wear full face of makeup, and my nails are long and always painted, obviously with rings stacked on my fingers. 

Side note, I’ve never worn makeup because I felt like I had to, or because I wouldn’t be pretty without it. I wear makeup because yes, it’s a confidence booster, but it makes me feel good and I love the process of applying it, so I wear it for myself as cliche as that is. Just like my clothing, it’s a way for me to express myself no matter what other people think. But, I will say, I think people are impressed by my makeup, and when I do more extravagant looks with glitter and color, I do receive compliments. So it’s nice to know other people appreciate my artistry and self expression even if green eye shadow isn’t the most conventional look. 

However, doing all of these things doesn’t make me feel more feminine as one might think. It doesn’t make me feel more like a girl. It simply makes me feel like me. 

Long story short, I say all this to illustrate the point that just because I dress feminine a lot of the time, doesn’t necessarily mean I identify a lot with femininity. Although I do, a large part of my disconnect is due to my queerness and asexuality. I do not fit in the cisgender heterosexual idea of femininity because I am not those things. In the world of young female adults, I fit into some areas 100%, while others I am extremely disconnected from. 

Also recently I’ve been incredibly annoyed with being referred to as certain feminine identifiers. For example, at my last job, my boss would say “Bye girls!” and the emphasis on girls felt really condescending. Or if a waiter says “What can I get you ladies?” First of all, you’re assuming the parties genders, and yeah, call me a snowflake, but my rule of thumb is, if someone looks queer, don’t assume their gender. And that’s probably just a personal annoyance, but oh well. Secondly, there’s a stupid patriarchal connotation with feminine words being less than, and even though I for one know women are not less than men, it feels…icky. 

Recently I’ve been super interested in the idea  of hyper-femininity. The other day, when I was doing research (kidding I was scrolling on TikTok)  I heard someone say how cool it was that hyper-femininity is queer.

This blew my mind! I absolutely love that because dressing in a hyper femme way (one might call this a bimbo and, for example, where sexual clothing, pink, lots of glitter and heavy makeup) rejects the patriarchy because women, or people, are self aware of their femininity and they take control over it. Their clothing becomes politically conscious and they are empowered through sexuality and autonomy. (One would argue that this also submits to the patriarchy due to people dressing in a sexualized feminine way, which is what men want but I chose to ignore that claim).

In a way, this rejects the male gaze because men don’t typically go for the girl wearing bright pink eye shadow and matching earrings. And as a queer person, that’s pretty awesome. 

When I first came out my style changed a bit, and became a bit more androgynous. I wanted to dress and look like other queer people did, so I dyed my hair, I wore flannels, and I bought rainbow shoes. I did things that read obviously queer. I wore love is love shirts. Now, I did this for myself. I have never, and will never, dress in a way that doesn’t make me feel like me, or dress in a way that pleases other people. I dressed stereotypically queer to make myself feel confident in my sexuality, and there is nothing wrong with that. I didn’t want to feel straight, and certain styles made me feel that way. 

Now I am the most confident in my sexuality I have ever been, and my style makes me feel as queer as ever. I can never imagine not having dyed hair, or not wearing funky earrings and doing my makeup with bright, bold colors. 

People have been assuming my sexuality my whole life, and there are certain ways people dress where people don’t assume your sexuality. Tomboys must be lesbians, and feminine boys must be gay. What about me? What about queer aces? Now I dress in a way that reads as queer, simply because I am queer. My clothes are queer because I am a queer person. My clothes are queer because they are on a queer body. My music taste and activities I do are queer because I am a queer person. I see the world through a queer lens because that is who I am. 

Also, it’s finally come to my attention that I don’t dress for the male gaze. That might seem like a ridiculous statement after all of the things I’ve said, but men are weird and I don’t really understand them, so I often wondered why I’ve never been hit on by a man, or received any sort of male attention (not that I want it by any means, I was simply curious). Turns out, it’s because my appearance isn’t what men want. As I write this, I’m wearing more blush than Trixie Mattel, and my eye shadow is purple and green, and my hair has recently been dyed bright orange. That’s not what most  men find conventionally attractive. Of course there is always an exception, and some certainly do, but the majority seem to want the long blonde hair, basic Lululemon wearing teenage girls that surround me at university. There’s nothing wrong with that style obviously, it’s just not me, and it is what straight cisgender men typically want. These girls wear natural makeup, if any, they have natural hair colors, and they wear leggings and crop tops. If I’m going to wear makeup, you’re going to notice. And if I’m in a boring outfit, it’s because I’m at the gym or in my pajamas going to bed.

However, thanks to the patriarchy, I am also a subject for male fantasy. I’m queer. I’m asexual. I’m unattainable. I’m a challenge. Some men would want to win the sex-rejecting sapphic. Thankfully I don’t know any men like that, and I try not to think about it because that is truly disgusting. 

This was the second time I’ve written this blog post, so for my sanity, I hope it makes sense. All in all, there’s a direct correlation between my sexuality and my gender expression. That’s all I’ve got for this week, so until them, stay gay or *insert a better outro than that.*

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