It’s been a while since my last blog post so here I am, today with a very specific and detailed account of my asexuality. It has come to my attention that even my very closest friends still don’t exactly understand my asexuality, so today I will be answering questions they have asked me and other questions other asexuals seem to receive quite frequently. 

Now, here are two disclaimers before we begin. The first is my usual one. I am but one little asexual in the world of thousands, if not millions of us. This is just the experience of one asexual, and I do not speak for the whole community. My answers might resonate with other aces, but alas, they will not be the same for every ace person out there.

The other is that these questions are ones I have been asked by people who care about me and are trying to learn about my experience, or questions I came up with that I thought people might have. That’s to say these probably aren’t very appropriate questions to ask every ace person you meet, just like you wouldn’t ask a straight allosexual person about their sex life five minutes after meeting them. However, we all know that I share practically everything about my asexuality on the internet, so basically no questions are off limits for me.

In case you’ve forgotten or you’re new to my blog, I am asexual and queer. I technically don’t label my romantic orientation but I use terms such as gay and queer loosely to describe my romantic attraction to women and gender nonconforming people. I have liked boys in the past, but I don’t typically experience romantic attraction to them. 

One piece of information that might be helpful to know before you read these questions is the split attraction model; a model that recognizes that romantic and sexual orientation are not the same for some people. 

The main types of attraction I’ll be talking about is my lack of sexual attraction, my obvious romantic attraction, as well as platonic and aesthetic. 

Nevertheless, here are some very specific answers to your burning questions about asexuality:

1. What do you want in a relationship? 

I want a romantic relationship. I know everyone says this, but I want my partner to be my best friend, probably a little seriously more than your average person. I say this because of the comfort level with my friends. We insult each other, give each other brutally honest advice, make unhinged jokes, be comfortable in silence, and just enjoy their presence. I want my entire future romantic relationship to feel like that, without the strange pressure of trying to impress a significant other. However, I think some of the pressure is automatically removed from my relationships due to my lack of sexual attraction. 

I want to be with someone who feels like a best friend with added romantic elements such as hand holding, cuddling, living together, and raising pet children. Yes, you could do that platonically, but I feel a desire to do that with someone who I love romantically. I am also not physically affectionate to my friends in any way, so I would reserve physical touch to be a way to express my love for a significant other.  Hopefully that answers another common question of  “How is your relationship different from a friendship?” 

2. Do you want to have sex? 

No. 

3. Why not? 

I simply do not have the capability to feel that way towards someone. Just like how people are gay, they just simply don’t feel the same way about the opposite gender. I just wasn’t made that way. 

Here’s a metaphor for you: allosexual people are hungry. Asexual people are full of food. I’m never hungry. I don’t crave even one more bite to eat. Sure, I could try some food. If I really wanted to, I could physically eat. But my body and brain aren’t telling me to eat, so I’m not going to because eating more would make me feel way too full and uncomfortable. That’s how I feel about sex. Why do it if I don’t have a desire to? 

4. Will you ever have sex? 

No. I feel as time goes on and I understand my asexuality more, sex becomes something I want to do less. I’m gonna be a virgin for life, and I’m chill with that. 

5. What if your partner is not asexual?

If I happen to date someone who is not asexual, they would have to be okay with having a completely nonsexual relationship. And if they wanted a sexual relationship then I would be open to the idea of an open relationship so my hypothetical future partner could sleep with however they wanted because they weren’t gettin’ any from me. 

6. Would you feel guilty that you can’t satisfy your partner? 

I’ve thought about this a lot, and a lot plays into my answer. First, we’re going to assume that I have met the perfect person. The one. The love of my life. The person I am going to marry. My one true love! And in this scenario, let’s pretend they are allosexual. They want to have sex. They enjoy sex. However, they are perfectly content with having a nonsexual relationship even though they do experience sexual attraction. Let’s even say that this relationship is monogamous, and my hypothetical partner doesn’t feel the need to sleep with other people. Long story short, this person is perfect for me. 

Yes. I think I would feel some type of guilt. Only because I know how important sex is to people, although it is not the most important thing, I don’t think many people would disagree that it is a big part of their relationship. Knowing that, and knowing if my partner was not with me they would be doing that, I would feel some sort of sadness that that is something I cannot give to them. Heck, at times I want to be able to do that, it seems fun and romantic and intimate. But, I just don’t feel that type of attraction, and being in a sexual relationship would be very uncomfortable, and it’s just out of the picture. I love that person and I want them to be happy, so I would feel like I was taking away a part of their satisfaction within the relationship. However, this is all made up since I have never dated an allosexual person, and I know those feelings would fade with communication and trust of my partner. 

7. Do you want to kiss people?

I personally do not want to kiss people on the lips. For me that falls under the sexual attraction part, although that is not the case for everybody. I would be comfortable kissing someone on the cheek or forehead, or even the shoulder or hand. To me that feels much more casual and romantic. 

8. Do you feel arousal? 

Alas, I am but a biological human being, so I, as well as many ace people, do feel arousal. However, from my understanding, allosexual people feel that arousal is directed at something (another human), while asexual people feel arousal directed at well…nothing. If  someone is attractive I wouldn’t feel aroused towards them, but if I saw a steamy scene in a movie or read a smutty book it might make me feel some type of way. However, sometimes I feel the other type of way…which would be uncomfortable and grossed out depending on what I was seeing and/or reading. 

9. If you could, would you not be asexual? 

No. My asexuality is a part of me, and it’s a part of me that I love. I truly enjoy being asexual and I wouldn’t change that. If for some reason my asexuality could be “cured,” I wouldn’t feel any desire to fix it. 

10. How would you have kids? 

I don’t want kids. And if I had kids I would adopt. There is no way I’m getting pregnant by dating women and not having sex, so there is literally no way a baby could end up in my uterus, plus being pregnant is something I have never imagined for myself and is something I truly cannot fathom. Plus, I don’t want to go through the long and expensive process of IVF, so kids are a no from me. 

11. What if your partner is really hot? 

Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean I don’t have eyes. If I came home and my partner was in, for example, wearing lingerie, aka looking super hot, I would simply admire their beauty and tell them how hot they look. I wouldn’t want them to take their clothes off. I would probably give them a hug and gay panic a little that I got so lucky and am dating the most beautiful person to ever exist. The aesthetic attraction I feel for them would be at an all time high. 

To be honest before I started writing this I did not think I would have this many questions, so I hope you’re feeling informed. And if you have any other questions I’ll be happy to answer them in the comment section.

I’ll see you next week for another deep dive into my silly gay life.

• Asexuality