I never thought I’d be a fangirl. 

Sure, I liked music. There were celebrities I kept somewhat up to date on and enjoyed hearing about. But, I was never that into it. I know we all went to middle school with that one person who loved Panic! At The Disco or the girl just head over heels in love – obsessed – with a boy band. But, that was something other people did – it was never me. (Side note: fangirls can obviously be of any gender – but for the sake of this post that’s the term I’ll be using). 

Then I started listening to Conan Gray. 

And, if you know anything about me, you know that I am completely head over heels in love with Conan Gray. 

I turned into a fangirl. 

I listen to Conan practically everyday. I have posters up in my room. I kid you not I’m wearing his merch as I write this. I have a tattoo in his handwriting of lyrics from my favorite song by him. So yeah, one could say I’m a fan. However, my love for Conan isn’t obsessive in a bad way. I don’t want to marry Conan or date him, and I’m perfectly okay with the fact that I will probably never meet him, and he’ll never know who I am. That’s just kinda how these things work. However, I love Conan for who he is, not for some celebrity facade. Conan is real. He’s funny. He’s honest and relatable. And yes he’s beautiful and talented, but his lyrics tell more truth than any publicity Instagram post ever could. Conan’s words and presence had brought so much joy and happiness into my life, how could I not love him for that? How could I not want the very best for him, and be so proud of him as a person, and of his career? 

I had thought about writing this post for a while, and the time came now just as I finished reading I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman. I Was Born For This follows Jimmy, a member of popular boy band The Ark, and Angel, a fangirl of The Ark, and their inevitable meeting and influence on each other’s lives. Let me tell you, this book was so relatable. Angel loved these boys for who they were, the music they made, and the joy they brought her. She simply wanted the best for them. It was so relatable that I had to talk about it and wrote a blog post of my own fangirl-ness. 

All of that leads me to the question of Conan – and other celebrities – largely queer fanbase. Yes, my generation is very gay, but there is something so inherently queer about being a fangirl – idolizing someone you’ve never, and probably will never, meet. And why do I, a very queer person, feel such community, such understanding, in my fandom? 

Let’s discuss four reasons why being a fangirl is inherently queer:

1. Representation

The queer community- while growing – is still incredibly underrepresented and members of the LGBTQIA+ community find representation where it is not explicitly given. Think about the Gaylor or Larrie theories – fans who think Taylor Swift is queer and Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson were/are dating while in One Direction. Yeah some fans do genuinely believe that, but others simply find representation in their lyrics and lifestyles. 

However, there are many more well-known artists who are queer- and do provide crucial representation for their fans. Conan Gray doesn’t label his sexuality. He sings about liking boys and girls and uses gender-neutral pronouns when discussing love interests. I love that about him. I can listen to Conan’s music and relate as as queer person, as an asexual person, and as someone who also doesn’t worry about labeling their romantic orientation.

Conan, without directly saying anything, lets me know that being queer is okay, and I can sing about, or fall in love with anyone no matter their gender. 

2. Being a Fangirl Breaks Heteronormative and Patriarchal Expectation

One might argue that being a fangirl is incredibly straight. Young teenage girls who are obsessed with conventionally attractive boys is a perfect example of typical heteronormativity. 

I’m here to argue that is not the case at all. Sure, there are some people who love a celebrity of the opposite sex and truly want to date or marry them. But, for a majority of the world that is not the case. And that assumption, that every girl is in love with a boy, is rooted in heteronormativity. Additionally, fangirls are seen as obsessive, controlling, and crazy. One might even suggest that is similar to the mad women trope – that women who can’t get their male lover to reciprocate feelings are therefore hyper-sexual and mad. And even if we ignore that, fangirls are seen as way less than fans of other people. Men are obsessed with football players and that is perfectly acceptable. But the second a girl starts talking about her favorite artist – the hobby of listening to music – she’s obsessive, and her hobby is seen as less than simply because she’s a female. 

Liking a band or an artist rebels against the patriarchy by doing exactly what we are told not to do. When society tells people they shouldn’t be so involved in a fandom or that they should have “real” hobbies, continuing to love and support artists is protest in itself. 

3. Chosen Family 

Having a super niche interest about anything can actually be isolating. No one really gets your love or fascination with it, and to be honest, people just don’t care. 

Meeting others who have the same love for something – whether it’s Conan Gray or not – brings mutual understanding and brings people together. People understand your excitement, your joy, your sadness, because they feel it too. Finding those who accept you for you, niche interests and all, has very queer undertones due to the idea of found family or chosen family – a group of people who bond based on shared experiences and interests. 

4. Fandoms Are Online 

Additionally, fandoms are built through online platforms. People make edits, write fanfiction, run fan accounts, all to share their love of someone or something. This continues to bring people together and share opinions and thoughts one might not have discovered on their own.

When I go on TikTok and see edits of Conan Gray, I like and comment and interact because other people get it. I see people make memes and post about what songs are their favorites, so I get to listen to them with a new lens that this is someone’s favorite song of all time. Someone could point out the percussion in a song I’ve listened to hundreds of times and never thought to pay attention to, and now that song is even better than it was before. 

I love Conan Gray. I love seeing other people who love him. I love talking about him and listening to his music and having him be a part of my life makes me me. I turned into a fangirl, and I love it. 

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