One day a few years ago I decided that I wanted to get over one of my biggest insecurities. Like most people, especially teenage girls, I was insecure about how my stomach looked. It is honestly a bit strange to say your insecurities out loud, and it feels incredibly vulnerable, even though I know for a fact that each and every one of my friends, and probably everyone in my life could agree that their body, especially their stomach, is a big insecurity. This is also quite silly because in middle school and high school, and honestly now, I was/am a very petite person. Although I have grown and gotten lots of gains from CrossFit, I stand at a whole five feet two inches. There was nothing big about me; especially my stomach, yet I thought there was. So, I decided I was going to change my negative self-talk into positive self-talk, and spend all of that negative energy on something positive, which was complimenting myself and my appearance. Without even realizing it, that change snowballed into so many parts of my life, and I can now confidently say (oh wow look a pun) that I am a confident and self-assured person. In a way, it is that simple, but it’s also incredibly hard to suddenly change your thoughts, and it doesn’t happen overnight. So, as I usually do, I decided to make a list and tell you all how I found confidence in myself, my sexuality, and additionally, not labeling my sexuality. 

1. Positive Self Talk (you’re hot and sexy)

One day I started joking that I was perfect. Did I steal this joke from the love of my life, Conan Gray? Why yes, of course I did. I thought it was funny, and eventually I began expanding that joke, and adding more positive adjectives after calling myself perfect (sarcastically of course). 

Here’s an example:

“Wow Jadey, your blog is so funny”

“Thank you so much I actually won a Nobel Prize for how funny and amazing it is.”

Is this a joke? Yes. Do I actually think I’m hot and sexy and am amazing at everything? Well…yes. I made this joke so many times that it became true. Now, am I actually perfect? No. Because perfection doesn’t exist. But perfect people don’t go around saying they’re not actually perfect. They go around knowing they’re good at everything and can do whatever they put their mind to. And if they make a mistake, or they aren’t good at something right away, it’s okay because they’ll get better and they’re great at everything else.

For example, I have a list of things I am not perfect at (to stay humble, obviously). And on that list is one single item. That one item is wrapping presents. I am not good at wrapping presents. The paper always folds weird and I cut the wrong size and the sides aren’t smooth and it looks bad. But all I do is simply remind myself that I’m an amazing writer and am a super funny and kind and amazing person who slays everyday so I don’t have to be perfect at wrapping presents. Plus, the more presents I wrap, the better I get, and one day I will be the best present wrapper to ever exist. 

Now, thinking I’m perfect is completely different than thinking I’m better than everyone else. I’m not. There are people out there who are better writers than me. There are people who are smarter than me. And even though it’s hard to believe, there are people (maybe just one or two) who are funnier than me. That’s just a fact of life. There’s people who are better than you at things and that’s okay.

2. Fake it Till You Make it

To summarize basically everything I just said in the above point, you have to fake it until you make it. I know. This is what everyone says, and they’re right. All you have to do is fake confidence until you have it. It does not matter what anyone thinks about you. It doesn’t affect you. What you’re wearing, what you’re saying, what you’re doing. It doesn’t affect anyone else besides yourself. So, do whatever you want. 

3. Act The Cool Person Part

You know when you see someone, and they’re just cool? If this scenario involved me, I would probably think this when I saw someone with a cool sense of style. Dyed hair or a cool haircut. Facial piercings or an edgy tattoo. And I think to myself, they look so cool. All you have to do is tell yourself you are. For example, everything I do is cool:

I have a blog. That is so cool and creative of me.

I have a YouTube channel. That is so artsy film girly of me.

I do CrossFit and Olympic weight lifting. How many teens do that? Not a lot. That is so strong and unique and slay of me.

I have dyed hair and my helix pierced and listen to Conan Gray. That’s cool. 

I’m asexual and queer. How many people get to experience life and attraction like me? Not a lot. That is so cool!!!

If you tell yourself that you and your abilities and your unique aspects are cool, you’ll eventually believe it and won’t worry about what anyone else thinks. 

4. Romanticize Being Gay

I said I would talk about how I am so confident in my sexuality as well my personal self. I think we got the latter out of the way. I know how hard it can be to be queer. To want the “easy” life everyone else has. To not have to face rejection and homophobia. It’s not easy being in this community. However, it really helps to focus on the good parts. Or, make a blog. Writing about my life and sharing it with others has allowed me to reflect on everything I love about being queer. Finding an outlet, whether that’s a blog, YouTube channel, or just a friend, can be super beneficial to express all of the positives in your life.

The key thing to do is romanticize being gay. I LOVE being gay. It is so amazing that I get to experience life differently from a majority of people. I am so in tune with my feelings and sexuality in a way other people are not. I get to form bonds with other queer people, specifically other ace queer people, just by existing. I feel this way and it puts me in a spot to just get other ace people. We have an undeniable connection that heterosexuals don’t get. Plus, it would be so boring to be straight. Everything is straight. It is so boring and basic.  It is so fun to talk about being gay. To listen to gay music. To read gay books. To “look” gay. 

Plus, one day I get to have a cute little gay life and marry a pretty person and live in a cottage and write novels and live happily ever after. 

I know it can be difficult for people to not label their sexuality and feel “queer enough.” To that I say, there is no correct way to be queer. If you’re not cis or straight or allo, or any combination of those, you are queer if that is a label you like. You get to choose how you identify and no one can take that away from you. I find so much comfort in being unlabeled. It makes me feel like the most accurate version of myself when I don’t put words on my romantic orientation. And as for my asexuality, I have always found it a quite charming and unique part of myself that I choose to love. Plus, it’s super fun to make sex jokes for the added irony. They never get old. 

5. Don’t Let Others Have a Say

I spent almost two years reflecting on and thinking about my sexuality. When I finally came out, I knew what my sexuality was, because I had lived with it for two years, and kept it to myself. I had practically no one else (besides my editor) to talk about my queerness with. Because of that, I was able to form my own opinions and truly understand my feelings, so when it came to other people’s negative opinions, I had absolutely zero time for that. 

Here’s an example:

Random person: “Ew Jadey asexuality is weird.”

Jadey: “That’s aphobic and I’m not having this conversation right now.” 

Now, you don’t have to be that blunt about it. You could have a conversation with someone and tell them why what they said might not be okay. Or yes, I do feel this way, and no, it’s not a phase. But remember folks. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality or gender or the way you feel. Your feelings are valid and they are yours. No one can take that away from you. 

If someone has a problem with you, that is on them. It has nothing to do with you. It’s your world. At the end of the day, the most important person in my life is me. If I’m not happy, if I’m not healthy and content, then that is something that needs to be fixed. I am living the one life I have, and I better make myself, the one body and mind I have, the priority. 

6. Remember Life’s Not Perfect (unless you’re me)

I know this is easier said than done. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide that I was perfect and pretty and so so smart and funny. Some days I wake up and think I look bad or my outfit isn’t cute or my sexuality isn’t clear. That’s okay. Some days you wake up and have an off day. The next hour, or day, or even week will be better. Life always moves on, and that gives you an opportunity to have a better time. Obviously I’m only guessing, because that never happens to me because I’m perfect, but I’m sure you can work through it and come out on the other side. 

And if you are having a bad day, or you don’t feel confident, all you have to do is read my blog and listen to Number One Fan by MUNA and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better. 

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