At the end of 2020 when my sexuality crisis started, I did what any person trying to salvage their emotional state does; I began journaling. 

Side note, I still journal to this day if I’m overthinking or need to rant. My blog has kind of turned into my journal, and I can confidently say writing about events in my life has brought me a lot of peace and happiness. 

Now that I’m back from college for winter break, I have access to the very journal I wrote in, and decided to make a very entertaining blog post by going through it and writing my thoughts about that time. Instead of laughing at myself (although I will be doing a little of that) I decided it would be much more beneficial to give advice that I could have used during that time, and possibly provide advice for anyone else having a sexuality crisis as I did. 

I will start by saying that if you are questioning a label or your sexuality for quite some time, it’s probably because that is your label. Straight cisgender people don’t spend every waking hour questioning if they’re trans or aromantic or bisexual. If a label is swimming around in your mind, it’s probably who you are. Not always, but oftentimes that is the case. 

Okay, onto the journal. The first entry was from December 9th 2020. Out of the many bullet points I wrote (lots of which you can find here) the one that sticks out to me is “I would be okay if someone assumed I wasn’t straight.” 

For all of the statements you’re going to read and wonder how I had these thoughts and still thought I was straight, I will admit that in the very very back depths of my mind during this time I did know that I was probably queer, it just wasn’t something I was fully admitting to myself. 

The next day I wrote about the release of Evermore followed by a statement that said “I wouldn’t be too mad if I liked girls. I mean, having a pretty girlfriend would be cool. But am I ACTUALLY ATTRACTED to women?!” 

Unfortunately for me I wasn’t aware of asexuality yet, and was definitely struggling to confirm if I was attracted to women when I was unaware I was not sexually attracted to anyone. 

In a full circle moment I also wrote “One day I’ll look back on this when everything is figured out. Today is not that day.” Two years later, it’s very comforting to know how confident I am in my sexuality. I’m sure Past Jadey would be very happy and proud of Future/Present Jadey. I also wrote about how I wished I knew about the LGBTQIA+ community when I was younger. At the ripe old age of 17, I felt that I was late in the game to knowing my sexuality. This is obviously not the case. I was, and still am, quite young. I have a lot of things figured out about myself that others older than me don’t, yet I also have so much more to learn. It is unfortunate that many queer people, especially youth, have to figure out all of this information by themselves. Thankfully social media has become a very easy way to learn about the community and has normalized our existence even more. 

December 25th 2020:

I thought I could be bi with a strong preference for men. Ironically, right after I said that, I stated that having a crush on a girl would feel “Warm. Fuzzy. Sweet. Dare I say right?” 

I truly laughed out loud reading that.

Dare I say right?!? That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard!!! 

January 21st 2021:

“I have a crush on a girl lmao.” 

It’s the casual “lmao” for me. The lowercase letters. The laughing at my situation. 

Wow. Look at me finally admitting things to myself. My first girl crush. A big deal. Looking back, the person I had a crush on is pretty cool, so I’m not surprised I pined over her for a while. Sometimes you look back on the crush you had and want to projectile vomit all over the floor. I’m happy to say that is not the case, and honestly makes me enjoy looking back on this because there’s nothing mortifying I have to face. 

February 15th 2021:

 I “feel very comfortable/happy with being unlabeled.” Honestly I still have a lot of love for calling my sexuality unlabeled. It was, in a sense, a label I used for a long time and found a lot of comfort in. 

September 22nd 2021:  

I am “still unlabeled and very gay.” 

December 2022 Jadey agrees that even now that is a very accurate statement. My preference for men was definitely deteriorating at this time. 

My entries became a lot less frequent as I began to figure out my sexuality. 

The last update was April 12th 2022:

I started identifying as asexual and still have my romantic attraction unlabeled. 

As of now, December 2022, I identify as asexual and queer. I feel incredibly confident in my asexuality, and mostly confident in my romantic attraction. I know who I like and who I don’t like, yet I’ve never found a label that fully fits my feelings. I use queer in a loose term to voice the fluidity and complexity of my romantic attraction. However, going through this journal has really reminded me how I enjoy not labeling my romantic attraction. I think queer sounds cool. I think unlabeled sounds cool. Maybe I’ll use both. Who knows. 

It was quite an adventure to look back on this, and I’m sure I will continue to read through it from time to time if I’m ever in need of some lighthearted entertainment. 

Since this post is going up on Christmas, I thought I should take this opportunity to acknowledge the love and acceptance I receive as a queer person, and to verbalize how incredibly thankful I am that I get to be so visibly out. Unfortunately, this is a difficult time for my community, and my heart goes out to them. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, and if you want to get me a present, you can keep it very small and share my blog with your one hundred closest friends. 

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