Asexuality is weird. Not weird weird. Just…different.
It’s weird that I don’t experience sexual attraction and almost everyone around me does. It’s weird that I don’t want to have sex or kiss someone or be involved in dating culture.
But you know what’s really weird? No, Jadey. They don’t. Because they have absolutely no idea where you’re going with this post. There is definitely something well known in the ace community that people grieve for the things they don’t want. A lot of the ace community has probably felt some disappointment in their life that they can’t fully relate to their friends or the sparks of a first kiss of what it’s like to sleep with someone you truly love. It can feel like you’re missing out. Like you’re excluded from something that everyone gets to experience. It’s weird to grieve for things you don’t want.
Recently I’ve been feeling that way. Not to that large of an extent. I don’t want to have sex. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about when a boy will text me back or if I’ll have my first kiss or when I’ll lose my virginity. That all seems annoying and way too time consuming.
I do, however, really want to kiss someone. I really want to fall in love and kiss someone. It seems so fun. To be in love and to express that in a way that is so intimate. That’s what I really want, I guess, that kind of intimacy. Oh but how fun it would be to make out with someone! I don’t have to go past that!! I know all you allos reading this are thinking “oh haha Jadey you silly little ace” but I know I’m right. People wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t fun. Every book and movie and TV show wouldn’t include a steamy first kiss scene if it wasn’t practically a universal desire.
I don’t need to do anything past that. But I want to kiss a pretty girl and be in love. I want so desperately to be an ace that likes kissing. It’s not fair.
Of course, I don’t actually want to kiss someone. Even if you put the most beautiful person I was madly pining over in front of me I wouldn’t actually want to. It would disgust me. I would probably feel sick if I actually kissed them. I would be so uncomfortable. Physically, I don’t want to…but theoretically…
Don’t get me wrong. I love that I’m asexual. I love that I get to experience love differently. I think that’s a beautiful thing. I’ve always found my asexuality a part of my identity to love. To celebrate.
I know that love and romance has been saturated and over hyped by the media. Yet, I still want that novel-worthy first kiss. Something crazy like in the pouring rain or on a rooftop or sitting in the back of a car at a drive in movie. Something memorable. Something romantic. I’m a hopeless romantic, but that should come at no surprise.
When I first got to college it kind of shook me a bit – how real sex is. Now that we’re all out of the house and “adulting,” having relationships and being sexually active is expected. It’s weird. I was always aware that sex was a thing, it just has become ten times more apparent at college. I’m constantly being told about STI testing and where to get birth control and about who to call if I need to report an incident. Sex is everywhere. And that’s weird to me. It’s weird for me to sit in class and know that everyone can relate to what we’re talking about or use the information we’re learning about – like communication in sexual relationships or birth control or deconstructing gender roles – when I will never use that information in my life. Besides maybe, to educate others or to ponder and be confused about.
There are people around me who want to have sex. Who have had sex. That is something they think about and want to do. One day my friends are going to get into relationships and have their first kiss and lose their virginity, and I’m probably going to hear about it. Then, I’ll have to try to not look as disgusted as I feel and I don’t know, applaud them or something. Give them a cake. A card that says congratulations.
Oh well. I’ll deal with it. It’s not about me. I will however continue to think that sex is weird, and occasionally ponder my silly little asexual life. When I’m not doing that I’ll listen to Conan Gray sing about being a hopeless romantic and be happy he never writes songs about sex.
Average Asexual 