Unfortunately, I have now had the experience of being broken-hearted.

As you may know, I was dating my best friend in a queerplatonic relationship. As time went on, our aspec identities changed and no longer aligned in a way that was fulfilling and satisfying to what we needed in a relationship. So, we broke up. It was not the outcome I was hoping for. I had a lot of hopes for how our relationship would go. However, at the start of our relationship, knowing how complicated our identities were, we simply promised to be together for as long as the universe allowed. The universe gave us a number of months, and I know that us being together began and ended at the right time. 

With all of that being said, she is still my best friend. Since our breakup (which sounds so depressing, she’s still in my life after all) I have actually texted her everyday. So, I’m managing. She’s also the editor of this blog, so there’s no way I can kick her out of my life completely. (Hi Jordan thanks for editing this you slay). 

Something that needs to be clearly stated is this;

No matter the situation, no matter your partner, if you are an aspec person going through a breakup or a difficult time, there is one thing you need to remember. You are not broken. 

You are not broken. You never have been and you never will be.

Your asexuality is a gift. 

Your aromanticism is a gift.

I truly believe that asexuality and aromanticism are a blessing. My queerness, especially my asexuality, has allowed me to be a more empathetic understanding person, and appreciate the beauty that is diversity in relationships and love. 

There is no one to blame for the fall of your relationships because of identities that didn’t match. Your identity is not a burden, and it is not to blame. That is how you are; how you get to live life on this planet as a unique, one of a kind individual. 

You are not broken. 

The following is a guide on how I helped myself through this emotional time: 

1. Write About Your Emotions – AKA – Feel Them

I was sad. I was really, really, utterly and completely heartbroken. For about 24 hours. That’s not to say I’m magically over the heartbreak. I am, however, a lot better. The second I stopped overthinking all the things I felt and put them into words, pulled every thought out of my brain and onto a page, practically solved all my problems. So, if you don’t write about your emotions, go start. It’s amazing. 

2. Let Yourself Cry

I’m an emotional gal. I’m a crier. I had to let myself cry. All the time. Whenever I needed. In the shower. While eating dinner. When I randomly woke up in the middle of the night. Repressing emotions is not healthy!! Feel them!! You’re valid!! Feel everything to feel better!!

3. Grieve What You Have Lost

There were aspects of our relationship that I loved. That I’m going to miss. That I do miss. That I need time to get over. I am letting myself grieve that. Just because our breakup is giving me good blog ideas does not mean everything is all happy sunshine and rainbows. I’m still upset, and I am allowed to miss things. 

4. Appreciate What You Have Gained

When I’m not writing about all of my emotions that I feel oh, so strongly, I am appreciating all of the good things I have gained from this relationship. I became confident in my identity. I learned what I need in a romantic relationship and how I express that love. I changed labels and found ones that fit me. I grew as a person thanks to my partner and that is something I couldn’t have done without her. We now get to enter into a new version of our friendship, one that is built on the trust and love we previously shared through dating. 

5. Appreciate Your Unique Circumstance; it’s good for the plot.

As the love of my life Conan Gray says, you sometimes need to do things that are good for the plot. I have always loved the uniqueness of our relationship, it’s something I’ve found a lot of confidence in. I love being asexual. I loved dating a person who is aspec. It brought me a great amount of joy to have such a special relationship. Dating someone for the first time, breaking up, it all adds to the life I’ve experienced, and will help me go through all the life I have left to experience. 

6. Don’t Overthink

This is actually pretty hypocritical of me, because I overthink all the time. However, overthinking aspects of our relationship and questioning events was not helpful. Instead of overthinking, write about your emotions! Talk to someone! Turn your life into a fictional story! Listen to music! Make a playlist of your favorite Conan Gray songs (all of them) and listen to it with a friend! Distract yourself and watch a TV show. Bake some cookies. Take a nap. As much as I have stressed the need to feel your emotions, sometimes it’s good to take a break from that. You know yourself. If you’re spiraling, take a minute to reflect why, and decide if you should feel these emotions right now and then, or distract yourself and feel it later. When the time comes to feel it later, it might still be there, but it might be more manageable. 

7. QPRs Aren’t Perfect 

I’ve only ever heard of one QPR ending, and that was in a book. Not that I’ve heard of many QPRs to begin with. Because they aren’t like typical relationships, I had fabricated an idea in my mind that QPRs, practically deep friendships, won’t likely come to an end. That’s not the case. Friendships come and go just like romantic relationships. Although they’re different, they are not perfect. Every relationship comes with challenges, and this is something that doesn’t go away just because I was in a QPR. There were aspects of my relationship that were challenging. As much as we loved each other, our relationship ending truly came down to my asexuality and my partners aromanticism and our comfort level in a romantic relationship. 

Writing this blog post has been very therapeutic for me. Right now, I’m happy. However, there is a very good chance something will spark a memory, and I will go back to feeling sad. That’s okay. Grief isn’t linear. If I’m upset later, I’ll simply sit with my feelings, or write them out, or listen to a song that represents my mood. I’ll be okay, even if in the moment, I don’t feel okay. 

Life can be hard but it’s not always hard; it will pass and you’ll come out on the other side. 

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