I didn’t have the greatest week. Some days were good, while others sucked. I had some events going on in my personal life, I questioned my sexuality, and I read an article for class that made me extremely frustrated due to its amatonormativity and aphobic comments. Because of all of that, I thought I should write out some affirmations for myself and any other queer person reading this. 

Your sexuality is valid. 

Your labels, no matter how many you have, are valid. 

You are not broken, and you never have been.

You experience life in a beautifully unique way; embrace that. 

It’s okay for your sexuality to change.

It’s okay to question your identity and not dive into it. 

It’s okay to question your identity and change your label. 

It’s okay to keep your identity to yourself. 

It’s okay to make your queerness your whole personality. 

It’s okay to be upset at society.

It’s okay to be upset at heteronormativity and amatonormativity. 

It’s okay to be upset about coming out. 

It’s okay to be upset about staying closeted. 

You are valid whether you are out or not. 

You are valid in every single aspect of your queerness. 

Your feelings are valid whether they’re happy or not. 

Let yourself feel every emotion.

Your emotions are valid and they deserve to be heard and acknowledged. 

It’s okay to be wrong about your sexuality. 

It’s okay to try out a label and change it. 

And lastly…

You are loved and you matter. There are people who love you and they want to see you happy.

If these were a bit too cheesy for you, you simply could remind yourself that you are hot and sexy and slay everyday. 

Don’t be surprised if upcoming blog posts are me ranting about changing labels or aphobia. 

Continuing with the ever-present theme of music on this blog, today we’re going to talk about the ten gayest songs from my gay playlist. Ironically, this playlist used to be titled “I do be an educated ally,” but I did have to change that title once I realized I was no longer an ally. Now it is titled “pissing off republicans and questioning my sexuality.” 

I’m a sucker for a good pop song, so over the years I have compiled a list of the gayest pop songs I could find. Because I’m gay I am incredibly indecisive. Because of this, I am not ranking these songs in any particular order, I am simply discussing each one. I also tried to choose a wide range of songs to cover as many different identities as possible. 

1. Girls Like Girls – Hayley Kiyoko 

It would truly be a crime to not include one of the most iconic queer songs of all time, written by none other than Lesbian Jesus. 

Although it wasn’t a massive part of my queer awakening like it was for others, I do remember the first time I watched this music video years ago. I’m sure it struck something subconscious in me, but I didn’t realize it until years later. I do in fact remember watching the video and being happy the girls ended up together, although that was the point of the video. Maybe I was a bit happier than your average hetero watcher. (Not that many straight people watched a video titled Girls Like Girls). 

Gayest Lyric: “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new”

Most Iconic Lyric: “Building your girls second story/Ripping all your floors out”

2. girls – Girl in Red

Besides Hayley, it would not be a gay playlist without arguably the gayest artist on here, Girl in Red. Marie, who’s stage name is Girl in Red, is a Norwegian singer whose EPs and singles gained popularity amongst the queers for good reason; they’re catchy and gay. Marie, who identifies as gay, is well known amongst the queer commnity as a symbol of queer identification. One could ask if you’re a friend of Dorothy, or if you listen to Girl in Red. 

Gayest Lyric: “They’re so pretty, it hurts/I’m not talking ‘bout boys/ I’m talking ‘bout girls”

Most Iconic Lyric: “They’re so pretty with their button-up shirts”

3. Crush Culture – Conan Gray

For my asexual and aromantic besties, I obviously had to include Crush Culture, and we all know I must talk about Conan Gray in every single blog post. I did a brief analysis of this song already, which you can read here.

Gayest Lyric: “Crush culture makes me want to spill my guts out”

Most Iconic Lyric: “Just let me be sad and lonely”

4. Wish You Were Gay – Claud 

Claud is SO UNDERRATED!!! I love Claud’s music, but I swear, no one listens to them!! Everytime I listen to their music I am reminded of how much I love it. Wish You Were Gay is such an iconic song. 

This is one of their best songs, and I stand by that. 

My other favorite songs by them: Sideline Star, Gold, Overnight, If Were You, & Soft Spot

Gayest Lyric: “I wish you were gay/so you could just hold me/Call me your babe/instead of your homie”

Most Iconic Lyric: “Picture this you and me in the morning/kissing over the coffee you’re pouring”

5. 1950 – King Princess 

An ode to the queer icons before us, 1950 relfects on those who were closeted, and the beauty that is current day queer love. 

This is one of the prettiest songs I have ever heard. There is something about Mikaela’s voice in this song that is truly ethereal. 

Gayest Lyric: “I hate it when dudes try to chase me”

Most Iconic Lyric: “So tell me why my gods look like you”

6. Take Me to Church – Hozier 

Hozier is the most iconic straight white man. Every single song he makes is absolute perfection. His lyricism?!?! Truly unmatched. Not to mention he’s super woke and supports us gays and women’s rights. He just released a song called Swan Upon Leda where he donated profits to multiple organizations that help pregnant people get access to reproductive healthcare. King. 

Gayest Lyric: “Every Sunday’s getting more bleak/A fresh poison each week”

Most Iconic Lyric: Every single lyric in this song is a masterpiece it is truly impossible to pick one, Hozier is truly a literature scholar. 

7. Boi Bi – Mad Tsai 

Here’s a song for my bi, pan, and queer besties. I think we all have a complicated relationship with songs that go viral on TikTok, mostly because they’re good for a day or two and then get overplayed so much you realize the lyrics are actually incredibly cringey. That is not the case with this song. The song, the music video, the lyric video, none of it gets old. 

Gayest Lyric: “Like, I’m watchin’ a Disney movie and the couple gets it on/But who should I look at, is it Shang or Mulan?”

Most Iconic Lyric: “I cry every time/ I try-y to decide” 

8. girls girls girls – FLETCHER 

One day I listened to Cari’s music, and I haven’t stopped. I’m also going to her concert in less than a month, so I have been binge-listening to her music in preparation. 99% of Cari’s songs are gay, so that means 99% (arguably 100%) of her songs are fantastic. 

Gayest Lyric: “Girls, I got girls, only girls/Going wild in my mind”

Most Iconic Lyric: “You move like poetry”

9. I Wanna Be a Boy – Addison Grace 

Addison Grace is such an adorable person. I found their music a bit before he came out with his EP, and fell in love with this song, as well as Manic Pixie Dream Girl and Sugar Rush. 

Gayest Lyric: “I wanna be a boy”

Most Iconic Lyric: “I’ll break and bend my spine/If it’d make you say you’re mine”

10. What I Want – MUNA

THIS SONG IS SO ICONIC. I only recently started listening to this song, and it has become one of my favorites of all time. I will admit, I have hardly dug into MUNA’s discography, but it is a goal of mine to listen to their self-titled album a whole heck of a lot more. 

There is truly no bigger goal I have in life (besides living in a cottage and writing novels all day) then to sing this song at a gay bar. That would truly be the peak of my existence. 

Gayest Lyric: “I want the fireworks, I want the chemistry/ I want that girl right over there to want to date me”

Most Iconic Lyric: “I wanna dance in the middle of a gay bar”

It is taking everything in me to not add a few more songs that I believe are deemed worthy for this list, but I must keep this blog post orderly. All of these songs are amazing and you should definitely try listening to them! 

#1. There’s Always Fear

It’s scary. It’s not always scary. But there’s enough fear to keep you up at night. 

I can never seem to stress enough the frustration I feel about being in a queer relationship in public. It’s amazing how in love I can be, how happy I can be, while also feeling so much anger, frustration, disappointment, and resentment. 

I’m angry that the world is so unfair. That the world is so heteronormative. 

I’m frustrated that people can’t accept the fact that my relationship doesn’t look like theirs. I’m frustrated that politicians want to take away my right to marriage. My friend’s rights to healthcare. 

I’m disappointed that this is what being queer in the United States feels like. The so-called melting pot of diversity has a shockingly strict list of requirements to be accepted into. 

And, although it’s not a lot, my resentment towards straight couples is certainly there. It’s not fair that I fear for my safety. It’s not fair that at any moment someone could verbally attack me and my girlfriend. It’s not fair that every time I hold my girlfriend’s hand in public I have to worry about people staring. What could happen. What might happen. What one day I very likely will experience. 

It’s fucking unfair that I can’t do something as simple as hold the hand of the person I love. It’s unfair that the little voice in the back of my mind will never turn off. This is a reality a majority of the population does not have to face; my friends and family can go on dates and hold their partner’s hand and not bat an eye. 

In the back of my mind I have a list of places I feel safe holding her hand. I could count those places on less than five fingers. It’s not fair that I have to put my safety in the hands of others. 

You might be saying, “Wow Jadey, that’s a lot of complaining. You could just, ya know, not hold her hand if it worries you so much.”

Why? 

So I can succumb to the expectations of our patriarchal heteronormative society and look how it expects me to? Oh wait. That’s not fair either. Guess I’ll pick the lesser of two evils. 

It’s not fair. 

And it probably never will be. 

#2. You’re Wrong About What Reactions You’ll Get

I had expectations for how my family would react. My mom. My dad. My sister. I had expectations for how I would tell my best friend. Expectations for those I would not tell. 

None of it happened how I thought it would. Some reactions were worse. Some were amazing. Reactions I received from certain people continue to leave me disappointed with how the situation was handled. I understood that not everything would go according to the plan inside my head, but hoped it would be close to that. I can honestly say I’m not angry at how anyone in my life reacted to my coming out. I can for certain say I was disappointed. 

It’s important to know that coming out will not be perfect. Unfortunately, that is a brutal reality that queer people must face. We don’t get to be like straight people and never announce our sexuality. Speaking of which, that leads me to our next point. 

#3. You’re Always Coming Out

I did in fact write a whole blog post on this, so I’ll keep it brief. At any time, at any social interaction with a new friend, a family member, or even a stranger, the assumption can be made that I am dating someone of the opposite gender. Shockingly, I’m not. 

I only bring up this as a concern because I do not know what kind of reaction I will receive. As confident as I am in my sexuality, and how much I love to bring up my girlfriend, it is still a risk to speak out about it. I doubt that the reactions I personally would have when talking about my queerness would result in violence, but there is always a chance I could receive rude looks or offhanded remarks. That negativity is something I don’t want to waste one breath on, so if need be, I’ll avoid that discussion. 

Okay. I’ll admit. This was very much a downer of a post. Thankfully, there are actually some good things about being in a queer relationship. 

#4. I’ve never been happier. 

Obviously, I do not know the person you are in a relationship with. I just so happen to be dating someone whom I love an incredible, indescribable amount. Loving her has validated my queerness in a way I didn’t expect, and made me be even happier in my own identity. It has also given me a person to communicate everything to; whether that be my own queer experience, or something as simple as what I ate for breakfast. (It was probably oatmeal) (Editor’s note: It was definitely oatmeal). It’s silly how our relationship isn’t like the movies, yet it totally is. 

*movies by Conan Gray immediately starts playing in head*

#5. I’m Someone’s Girlfriend

It surprises me everytime when I’m introduced as my partner’s girlfriend. I know I’m dating her. I call her my girlfriend all the time. Yet when the time comes and I meet someone new, I still get butterflies at the introduction. 

The idea of being someone’s partner has definitely been romanticized by the media. There seems to be a great deal of societal pressure to be in a relationship. I never felt that way, maybe that has to do with my asexuality, or just the fact that I knew I would meet the right person at the right time. With that being said, it is incredibly fun to romanticize my relationship. To do silly little things I would read about in a novel or see in a movie. It’s fun to buy my girlfriend flowers. To write silly little love poems and letters. 

As difficult as it is to be queer, and to outwardly express that, the joy I feel from my own self confidence, as well as the joy from my relationship and my community makes it all worth it.  

One of my favorite things about being queer is the knowlegde I have gained about the complexity that is human attraction. Like most things in life, attraction is complicated. But, things that are complicated are usually pretty cool and interesting; hence why I have dedicated an entire blog post to the various levels of attraction. 

Arguably, there are many types of attraction, but for the sake of this blog post (and my sanity) I’ll be talking about the five major types of attraction. Before we get into my definition for each, and how I experience each one, I’ll give the actual definitions. 

First of all, what even is attraction? 

Attraction: the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something. 

Okay, now that we have a somewhat vague definition, here are the different types: 

Romantic attraction: a deep, emotional attraction to someone. 

This could be expressed through: hand holding, cuddling, kissing, showing love, expressing emotions, etc. 

Sexual attraction: attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest.

This could be expressed through: kissing, sex, sexual intimacy, etc. 

Platonic attraction: an interest or desire for a friendship. 

This could be expressed through: time spent together, emotional closeness, trust, etc. 

Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with someone physically in a nonsexual way.

This could be expressed through: hand holding, cuddling, hugging, etc. 

Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the beauty or appearance of another person. 

This could be expressed through nonsexual physical touch, or nothing at all. 

There are obviously many more ways to experience attraction such as…

Emotional: a connection to someone’s mind, spirit, and personality. 

Intellectual: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner such as conversation. 

Physical:  the degree to which a person’s physical features are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from either. 

*sighs from exhaustion*

Maybe all of these make sense in their own independent ways. Maybe you sense an overlap, but see some distinct differences. Maybe you read this and realized you feel all of these different levels of attraction to your partner or other important people in your life.

Or maybe, you’re like me, and are utterly confused. I will say, there are aspects of attraction that I understand. I have platonic friends, I don’t feel sexual attraction, and I do feel a certain amount of romantic attraction. However, as I scoured the internet searching for definitions of the previously mentioned terms, many of them sounded very similar to me. For example, romantic attraction sounds a lot like platonic attraction. Who’s to say hand holding and cuddling is reserved for a romantic partner? How is romantic attraction different from emotional attraction? But, there is no need for my confusion and questioning to keep us from exploring my (because this is my blog after all) different ways of feeling stuff!

Jadey’s Complex Way Of Feeling Stuff! 

Romantic attraction: Starting off a bit complicated, my romantic attraction is technically labeled as alterous, which I wrote a whole blog post about that you can read here. I do pretty fully understand romantic attraction, but over time I have come to the conclusion that I don’t experience romantic attraction to the same extent that others do. Because of that, I label my romantic attraction as alterous; a desire for emotional closeness with someone that is neither exclusively platonic or romantic. 

When I hear about romantic attraction, it seems quite passionate and intense. Maybe that is because it’s mixed with sexual attraction, and those who experience both can’t articulate the difference in the same way I can’t articulate the difference between platonic and romantic in my relationship. 

Sexual attraction: Yay! This one’s easy. I don’t feel this. At all. In fact, I’m quite opposed to the idea of sex that I consider myself sex-averse (meaning I am opposed to the idea of sex and find it very unappealing).

Platonic: I know for a fact that I feel platonic attraction to my friends. I love them, but obviously feel no sexual or romantic attraction to them. That becomes a touch complicated with the feelings I have for my Queer Platonic Partner, considering platonic is literally in the name, I feel platonic as well as romantic attraction to her, but she is the only exception.

Sensual: Sensual attraction is a relatively new term to me. It’s also a bit ironic, because if you know me, you know there’s one thing I incredibly dislike: physical touch. I am not a fan of hugs, although I will accept hugs from my mother and grandmother when they initiate it. (To my other family and friends possibly reading this, sorry, I probably don’t like to hug you, no offense.) I do appreciate when someone asks for a hug, which gives me a moment to process the fact that I will no longer have personal space. An unannounced extraction of my physical space is the root of my discomfort. I’ll scoot over on the couch if I find my knees touching my sister to be uncomfortable. A hug from someone I’m not incredibly close to makes me feel..icky. I’ll step away when a stranger unknowingly gets too close. This could be due to my asexuality, this could just be my personality. Some people just don’t like touch, however msot of them probably aren’t sex-averse. I’ve always prefered my personal space.

After saying all of this, there is indeed only one person I experience sensual attraction towards; my girlfriend. Interestingly enough, she is the only person I’ll go out of my way to be physically close to. I’ll hold her hand. Rest my head on her shoulder. And, when I hug her, which is quite often, it’s for a comically long period of time. This could be because of my alterous attraction. It could be a different form of expression of love due to my asexuality. It could simply be that she is the only person I’ve ever felt sensually attracted to. 

Aesthetic: I would assume that a majority of the population experiences this. I experienced it heavily with the love of my life Conan Gray. He’s so beautiful. His face. His hair. His physique. His outfits. Everything about him is beautiful. It’s interesting how others experience this mixed with sexual or romantic attraction, and I experience it as simply as possible. All I desire to do is admire a person’s beauty. 

Okay. The complexity of the human experience and sexuality is quite complicated. If you took a shot every time you read the word attraction today you would definitely not have gotten to reading the conclusion of this blog post. 

And on that note, I’ll see you next week. 

Today’s blog post is a pretty chill one where I go over a QPR checklist; a list I found in the depths of AVEN quorums. 

This may come as a surprise, but relationship intimacy is not just sex. I know, that seems obvious, but it is often the first thought that comes to mind when one thinks of being intimate. However, as a sex-averse asexual there are definetly other ways I give, and receive, intimacy in a non-sexual relationship. I thought this would be interesting to share, especially for the allosexuals in the audience, who might not have considered these things as acts of intimacy. This is just another way to further share my personal asexual experience and what I feel comfortable with in a relationship! 

 Here’s the link on AVEN 

Aromantic/Queerplatonic Dating Checklist 

Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc): Yes!

Kissing (mouth): No thank you. 

Hand holding: YES

Cuddling: YES

Hugging: Yes!!

Other affectionate touching: I don’t know what that would be but sure!

Hugging in public: Yeah. 

Cuddling in public: Depends on the situation, but probably yes. 

Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc) in public: This would depend on the situation. 

Kissing (mouth) in public: Respectfully, absolutely not. 

Hand holding in public: Yes!

Other affectionate touch in public: Sure!

Eye gazing: Yeah. Sounds weird when you put it like that though. 

Crying on: That’s sad, but I’ve definitely done it so gonna have to go with yes. 

Being cried on: Sad but yes. 

Massage (giving): Probably not. 

Massage (receiving): Maybe…

Hair brushing (giving): If I was doing my partner’s hair then yes, but it would be a no for just random hair brushing. 

Hair brushing (receiving): If my partner was doing my hair, yes! Random hair brushing seems weird to me?? 

Nail painting (giving): YES

Nail painting (receiving): This is especially funny because I religiously paint my girlfriend’s nails, so it would be highly unlikely that she would paint my nails, but I guess if she wanted to, sure!

Shaving (giving): This makes me extremely uncomfortable. No. 

Shaving (receiving): No. 

Bathing together (with bathing suit): No. 

Bathing together (naked): No. 

Seeing my partner naked: If my partner needed to get changed and I was in the room, sure. For any other reason, no. 

My partner seeing me naked: Same as above, if I was getting changed that’s fine, but otherwise that’s just…weird…

Feeding my partner: No. 

Being fed by my partner: No. 

Tickling (being tickled): Sure. 

Tickling (doing the tickling): Maybe. 

Terms of endearment: Pet names are kinda cringe so it would have to be a really good one, which means I’m gonna go with possibly yes. 

Being called “best friend”: Yeah!

Being called “partner”: Sure!

Being called romantically-coded words (boyfriend, girlfriend, etc): Yes. 

Me having other platonic partners: …friends? 

My partner having other platonic partners: …friends? 

Me having other romantic partners: No. 

My partner having other romantic partners: No.

My partner doing romantic-coded things with someone else: No.

Me doing romantic-coded things with someone else: No.

My partner doing sexual things with someone else: Sure if they want to. 

Me doing sexual things with someone else: Gross, no. 

Touching my partner sexually: Definetly not. 

Being touched by my partner sexually: Hard pass. 

Having sex of any kind with my partner [specify if yes]: Absolutely not!

Sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: No. 

Non-sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: No.

“Romantically coded” gifts (flowers, chocolates, etc): Yes. 

Dancing: Sure.

Bed sharing (non-affectionate): Yes. 

Bed sharing (cuddling): Yes. 

Tucking my partner in: Maybe. 

Being tucked in: Maybe. 

Living together: Yes. 

[Platonic] marriage: Yes. 

Raising children together: If my partner really wants children, then adoption is a yes. 

Having pets together: Absolutely!! Cats!!